MrsDarcy

Hi everyone. I haven't posted in quite a while, but I haven't left. I don't what I would do without this board.
So quick review on my situation--I confronted my AH on his drinking in early August, he said he'd quit and did so (without seeking any help) for maybe a month and then quickly reverted back to form. You all know the drill.

So here's my dilemma. My MIL has been asking me what our plans are for Thanksgiving and I need to give her some kind of an answer I just don't know how much to tell her. She and my FIL are not in the loop on their son's drinking and while I think she has some sense that something isn't right between us, I haven't said anything to her about it and she hasn't asked. My kids and I will spend Thanksgiving at my mother's, and I have told my kids that if they want to visit their father's parents that day, I will bring them over there but I have no plans to spend time at their house myself. I have a good relationship with them but I no longer have it in me to pretend all is well anymore. I have no idea what my AH plans to do as we are barely speaking these days. Ideally, this conversation should happen between her and her son, but that just isn't going to happen. He is deep in avoid and deny mode. He will also be super pissed if he knew I were talking to his mother about our marriage. I don't care about that for myself but I not looking to stir up unnecessary trouble between him and his parents. So how much should I say?
I'm sorry this got really long and I don't think my question is clear. I'm really frustrated to even be in this position. His parents are lovely people who deserve better and I know he won't be honest with them. I want to be honest myself but I feel like there is some boundary I shouldn't cross and I don't know what it is. Ugh--does that make any sense?

OnawaMiniya

I can understand what you feel and what you are confused about. I just wanted to offer some hugs. I'm sure someone on here has been in a similar situation and can offer advice from a been-there-done-that perspective.

Hoping your holiday is a good one, and good luck to you!

Peace.

AnvilheadII

keep it simple. she asked what your PLANS were for Thanksgiving, not the state of your marriage. tell her what you told us, you and the children will be spending the day with your parents....if possible, the kids may drop by for a bit, maybe around dessert time??? and that's it. you don't OWE her or anyone an explanation on a deeper level. this isn't the time to drop the bomb. if she asks about her son, reply she'll have to ask him. end of story.

hopeful4

And encourage her to ask HER SON what his plans are. Maybe they can spend time together. Who knows.

I will say I don't cover up for my AH anymore but truly understand the concept of not wanting to stir up any trouble esp for the holidays. However...when I started telling the truth to his family, my family and anyone else (I don't advertise it but I don't lie either) there was a huge sense of freedom for ME. I no longer care if he gets mad that I told his family. If he does not want them to know there is a simple solution...don't drink.

Good Luck and God Bless!

dandylion

MrsDarcy, alcoholism feeds on isolation and secrecy.

Another factor might be at play here (I think)......how close is your relationship with his family? Also, how much is this bothering you to keep this "secret" close to your chest???

It may well be time for them to be let into the loop---they are extended family---but, Major holidays are the worst possible time to let a "bomb" drop (if it can be postponed).

It would be ideal for him to tell his parents---but, nothing about this is ideal...LOL. If it were me--I would probably tell him to tell them or I would.

These are just my thoughts---I am not in your shoes...

dandylion

MrsDarcy

I guess not wanting to stir up trouble for the holidays is where I'm stuck but I guess that just falls into the category of things I can't control beyond what comes out of my own mouth. I'm not looking to cover for him (there are people in my life I'm very open about it with) but I hate leaving them in a place of confusion. At the same time, what happens between him and his parents isn't my responsibility. I did let her know we won't be there for food, so she can at least plan her shopping and cooking. I guess I'll just play it by ear from here and maybe only answer questions as they come to me.

Thank you all for the input. I really appreciate it. I hope everyone has a Happy, Safe and Drama-free Thanksgiving!!

hopeful4

I do get it. I am holding some things back regarding my AH just to avoid holiday trouble. As my sister told me the other night...it won't be holiday season forever!

Maybe their confusion will force him to answer some questions about his own self, but that is up to him! Good for you to be so calm about it and just take it as it comes!

I too wish you a Happy and Drama Free Turkey Day!