Being encouraging or crossing the line?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 216
Being encouraging or crossing the line?
due to a pretty severe week filled with crazy and not good surprises which have kept me and the AH on the phone, the Internet and studying laws with our lawyer I have not made it to any al anon meetings, and he, who after a breakdown on monday or tuesday and then promised to go to AA every night this week has not been to even one.
He also freelances and has been fairly swamped for the last two weeks..outside of late nights .but I digress. I have been reading "codependent no more" and checking these boards in the few free hours I have had a day....not many. So I am not so far in the book and I have a question.
.we got a bit heated over this legal issue which has nothing to do with his drinking..not an argument,,just a heated discussion.....and I blurted out
"God, when you are not drinking, I like you SOOOOO much"
he said "what brought THAT on" and I said, "it's just the truth! I like you so much"
Now, I am not holding hope that this bit of sobriety is going to last, and I realize that statements like that may be "crossing the street", or feeding into a lie/belief that he can white knuckle it, Or were they just words of encouragement?
I don't want to make a habit of that, but does anyone of thoughts? Did I say the right thing? Input welcome
He also freelances and has been fairly swamped for the last two weeks..outside of late nights .but I digress. I have been reading "codependent no more" and checking these boards in the few free hours I have had a day....not many. So I am not so far in the book and I have a question.
.we got a bit heated over this legal issue which has nothing to do with his drinking..not an argument,,just a heated discussion.....and I blurted out
"God, when you are not drinking, I like you SOOOOO much"
he said "what brought THAT on" and I said, "it's just the truth! I like you so much"
Now, I am not holding hope that this bit of sobriety is going to last, and I realize that statements like that may be "crossing the street", or feeding into a lie/belief that he can white knuckle it, Or were they just words of encouragement?
I don't want to make a habit of that, but does anyone of thoughts? Did I say the right thing? Input welcome
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: back woods USA
Posts: 171
I wish I would have been more encouraging to my XRAH when he started his recovery, I was to angry by that time. In my opinion I don't see anything wrong with letting him know you like him better sober. I think they need as much encouragement as they can get.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
It's really amazing how powerful we think we are sometimes, isn't it? As if we could cause or destroy someone's sobriety by a few words....
I'm guilty of the same thing myself, fretting about whether I said "the right thing." You know what? If the A wants sobriety, it makes no difference whatsoever what I say or don't say. If he does NOT want sobriety, it ALSO makes no difference what I say or don't say. Didn't Cause it, can't Cure it, can't Control it.
I think what is important is WHY you said it. If you are expressing an honest, heartfelt emotion or thought, then yes, it was right that you said it. If you said it w/any intention or hope to control or manipulate, then it was wrong that you said it.
It sounds to me like it was the former reason rather than the latter for you.
One of my meetings is a Buddhist-inspired meeting and we talked one day about Right Speech. I find this definition of that principle to be helpful when wondering "should I say/email/write/post this or not?"; maybe you will too.
1. Is it True?
2. Is it Helpful?
3. Is it Inspiring?
4. Is it Necessary?
5. Is it Kind?
I'm guilty of the same thing myself, fretting about whether I said "the right thing." You know what? If the A wants sobriety, it makes no difference whatsoever what I say or don't say. If he does NOT want sobriety, it ALSO makes no difference what I say or don't say. Didn't Cause it, can't Cure it, can't Control it.
I think what is important is WHY you said it. If you are expressing an honest, heartfelt emotion or thought, then yes, it was right that you said it. If you said it w/any intention or hope to control or manipulate, then it was wrong that you said it.
It sounds to me like it was the former reason rather than the latter for you.
One of my meetings is a Buddhist-inspired meeting and we talked one day about Right Speech. I find this definition of that principle to be helpful when wondering "should I say/email/write/post this or not?"; maybe you will too.
1. Is it True?
2. Is it Helpful?
3. Is it Inspiring?
4. Is it Necessary?
5. Is it Kind?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 182
Oh Honeypig. It sounds great but if I had to consider all these things before I spoke or typed I'd never, ever say/type anything. See!! This is none of the above !!....well it's true 
Booo I think (and its just my opinion because I'm just starting out on the whole codependency thing) that honeypig is absolutely right and in my mind (as long as your not "scheming") you can't be expected to never express what you are feeling. One of the recovery strategies (I'll be lost here if someone says which one because I can't remember but I know I read it) even suggests that you make a point of telling them how much you enjoy their company when they are sober.
Don't worry.
Booo I think (and its just my opinion because I'm just starting out on the whole codependency thing) that honeypig is absolutely right
If the A wants sobriety, it makes no difference whatsoever what I say or don't say. If he does NOT want sobriety, it ALSO makes no difference what I say or don't say.
Don't worry.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Originally Posted by jessicajoe 
Oh Honeypig. It sounds great but if I had to consider all these things before I spoke or typed I'd never, ever say/type anything. See!! This is none of the above !!....well it's true
Seriously, I am FAR from doing this 100% of the time, don't know that it will ever be possible, but when I do actually pay attention to what comes out of my mouth, so much of the time it's just noise. I am much more likely to regret what I did say and shouldn't have than what I didn't say and should have....
Anyway, don't mean to hijack, but this was kind of an eye opener for me, for sure. Back to the OP's question, w/my apologies!
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 220
Originally Posted by honeypig
It's really amazing how powerful we think we are sometimes, isn't it? As if we could cause or destroy someone's sobriety by a few words....
I'm guilty of the same thing myself, fretting about whether I said "the right thing." You know what? If the A wants sobriety, it makes no difference whatsoever what I say or don't say. If he does NOT want sobriety, it ALSO makes no difference what I say or don't say. Didn't Cause it, can't Cure it, can't Control it.
I think what is important is WHY you said it. If you are expressing an honest, heartfelt emotion or thought, then yes, it was right that you said it. If you said it w/any intention or hope to control or manipulate, then it was wrong that you said it.
It sounds to me like it was the former reason rather than the latter for you.
One of my meetings is a Buddhist-inspired meeting and we talked one day about Right Speech. I find this definition of that principle to be helpful when wondering "should I say/email/write/post this or not?"; maybe you will too.
1. Is it True?
2. Is it Helpful?
3. Is it Inspiring?
4. Is it Necessary?
5. Is it Kind?
I'm guilty of the same thing myself, fretting about whether I said "the right thing." You know what? If the A wants sobriety, it makes no difference whatsoever what I say or don't say. If he does NOT want sobriety, it ALSO makes no difference what I say or don't say. Didn't Cause it, can't Cure it, can't Control it.
I think what is important is WHY you said it. If you are expressing an honest, heartfelt emotion or thought, then yes, it was right that you said it. If you said it w/any intention or hope to control or manipulate, then it was wrong that you said it.
It sounds to me like it was the former reason rather than the latter for you.
One of my meetings is a Buddhist-inspired meeting and we talked one day about Right Speech. I find this definition of that principle to be helpful when wondering "should I say/email/write/post this or not?"; maybe you will too.
1. Is it True?
2. Is it Helpful?
3. Is it Inspiring?
4. Is it Necessary?
5. Is it Kind?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 216
Oh my gosh honey pig. That was so perfect! thank yiu And true that it was an absolute joyous burst of words that came out of me..completely in the moment too....with no thoughts of, "if I talk to him like "this" he will do "that"
I am sure my questions are so very mundane, but I am so afraid of doing something and then reading that it's something that I should not be doing...
As a Codie, I walk the line and at least I am aware that walk the line, so thanks for your wonderful words and support!
I am sure my questions are so very mundane, but I am so afraid of doing something and then reading that it's something that I should not be doing...
As a Codie, I walk the line and at least I am aware that walk the line, so thanks for your wonderful words and support!
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Here and now
Posts: 325
Originally Posted by Booo
due to a pretty severe week filled with crazy and not good surprises which have kept me and the AH on the phone, the Internet and studying laws with our lawyer I have not made it to any al anon meetings, and he, who after a breakdown on monday or tuesday and then promised to go to AA every night this week has not been to even one.
He also freelances and has been fairly swamped for the last two weeks..outside of late nights .but I digress. I have been reading "codependent no more" and checking these boards in the few free hours I have had a day....not many. So I am not so far in the book and I have a question.
.we got a bit heated over this legal issue which has nothing to do with his drinking..not an argument,,just a heated discussion.....and I blurted out
"God, when you are not drinking, I like you SOOOOO much"
he said "what brought THAT on" and I said, "it's just the truth! I like you so much"
Now, I am not holding hope that this bit of sobriety is going to last, and I realize that statements like that may be "crossing the street", or feeding into a lie/belief that he can white knuckle it, Or were they just words of encouragement?
I don't want to make a habit of that, but does anyone of thoughts? Did I say the right thing? Input welcome
He also freelances and has been fairly swamped for the last two weeks..outside of late nights .but I digress. I have been reading "codependent no more" and checking these boards in the few free hours I have had a day....not many. So I am not so far in the book and I have a question.
.we got a bit heated over this legal issue which has nothing to do with his drinking..not an argument,,just a heated discussion.....and I blurted out
"God, when you are not drinking, I like you SOOOOO much"
he said "what brought THAT on" and I said, "it's just the truth! I like you so much"
Now, I am not holding hope that this bit of sobriety is going to last, and I realize that statements like that may be "crossing the street", or feeding into a lie/belief that he can white knuckle it, Or were they just words of encouragement?
I don't want to make a habit of that, but does anyone of thoughts? Did I say the right thing? Input welcome
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I had a long talk w/my AH the other night. I realized that he needs encouragement and to know he is a person beyond alcoholism. Can I give that to him? I don't know. I doubt that because the A in him is progressing and taking over every good thing I see in him. However I am trying to remember that it's ok to tell him when he does do good things. Saturday he replaced some complicated plumbing. Called his brother in law to come help him. Without me nagging or having a single thing to do with it. (Not normal...I would normally be the one "helping" ie..standing there a nervous wreck it will not turn out right and he will be pi$$ed off the rest of the day). I would also have been the one to call said brother in law and ask for the help. Nope, my sister and mom came down and we did a little shopping...had nothing to do with it whatsoever...was not even home.
I did tell him I really appreciated it and that I appreciate the initiative it took to get it done. That is true. If we are separate or apart, our home is our investment and we have to have it in working order. It is also good for me to see that when/if we do separate he will be able to function on his own. It is good for him to feel like he did a good thing that had nothing to do w/drinking or not.
I am trying hard to remember he is a person and not just an A, although it is very hard.
Good Luck and thanks for letting me ramble on!
I did tell him I really appreciated it and that I appreciate the initiative it took to get it done. That is true. If we are separate or apart, our home is our investment and we have to have it in working order. It is also good for me to see that when/if we do separate he will be able to function on his own. It is good for him to feel like he did a good thing that had nothing to do w/drinking or not.
I am trying hard to remember he is a person and not just an A, although it is very hard.
Good Luck and thanks for letting me ramble on!
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