LadyWyldOne

I don't even know I'm posting in the right forum since I talk about my OWN drinking problem...

So yesterday was not the greatest but on the other hand it wasn't the worst either.

Today I am feeling very strong, productive and motivated.

Struggled a little bit with my boyfriend. He fails to understand (at least maybe now he understands) that I'm in this with him, and he has hurt me and upset me by lying to me. I mean he KNOWS he's done this but he does not understand that I need time to not be upset.

We have serious communication issues. He called me after he finished his day of work and told me he was going for a beer but he promised no bull ****. (cocaine). I wasn't entirely impressed cause I want him sober but I'm just thankful he's starting to take the right steps. I told him I was very stressed and fighting not to resort to my usual coping mechanism (drinking) and he was silent. Nothing. So I said "Okay well see you later bye" and hung up.

He was upset that hung up. He was upset I even told him how stressed I am. He said I was making it about me... which is not the case. I get that he has his own things going on and I do end up feeling a little selfish about putting my stress on him but I was just looking for support – not giving him a guilt trip. He feels horrible for being the cause of my stress. He began ignoring my msgs and phone calls which I cannot stand. I texted him "you're ignoring me and it's very very hurtful the last thing you want to do is hurt me" and he said "Relax I'm fine just having a beer then home" I told him I needed him sometimes too but I wouldn't be bothering him anymore. He then tells me he felt like **** about stressing me out. Vicious cycle.

I did everything I could to not have a drink last night. Having this guy ignore me – puts me on edge because I worry about him... knowing he's upset with me ... will he turn back to drugs? Plus just been stressed for a while about work and general winter time blues.... I live downtown and am 10 minutes from the subway walking. On the way home there are 3 bars and 2 liquor stores I pass. I got off a few stops early and walked (even though it was freezing- the walking helps me 'walk off' my stress sometimes) and passed a dozen bars and restaurants and liquor stores.

I just feel it, a darkness inside me that festers and pushes me to drink. What sickens me the most is I did not want to drink. The thought alone made my stomach hurt. I don't like the results of drinking when I drink to cope. But there's just this nagging thing inside me- I think it's cause since I was a young teen ager alcohol was my everything.

Coping with sadness, depression, stress and celebrating and rewarding myself. I do not have any other outlet or coping mechanism. End of story: Weak moments, weak day, lots of triggers still did not drink. Walking helped, taking a long ass hot shower when I got home helped. So today is a new day.

We argued a bit in the morning but we promised each other we will get through this. I won't give up either that's just who I am.

I decided I'm going to start baking. I want that to be my coping mechanism when I'm stressed or depressed. Something that is just mine. Something that I can do as a hobby something I can do to keep my hands busy, with something to show from it and because I'm such a caring person, other people can reap the benefits of it too which will satisfy my constant need to please others.

I've also noticed I am losing weight since I reduced drinking (I used to drink heavily... like a 26er in one night plus rack up 60+ at the bar in shots and beers, that was done twice or three times a week on top of random bottles of wine in the evenings to "relax" now- I drink socially. When it's a friend's birthday, when it was Halloween I went to a party and had a few drinks. Stayed very controlled. I was proud of myself). I don't like the weight loss though. Strange to say because I'm a curvier woman and have struggled with my weight my whole life but I'm losing it in all the GOOD places- therefore making the BAD places look even bigger. So I have to start doing some core strengthening exercises. Another coping mechanism I plan to use to get through my stressful times. I'm just so damn lazy sometimes.

So today I' am feeling strong and empowered. I am feeling like I beat it yesterday and that super motivates me to beat it again today.

I'm stressed. My old roommate is moving back to the city today. She's going to be crashing with us. So we will have 4 adults in a 2 bedroom apartment.

My other roomie, he has a coke problem. He's in recovery right now and doing great. Having him around has been amazing over the past months. We are the passive, strong ones. Then my boyfriend and the old roomie, they are aggressive, and although strong headed, they give in to their vices.

She has a drinking problem she is in denial of. She moved out of the city and stopped drinking but I am worried she will continue on her return (she failed in her profession- which has always been a trigger for me). We are having dinner tonight. So I msg her this morning telling her that I did not want to drink at all and I don't want her to offer it to me. She got a bit defensive at first. She's always relied on me to drink next to her. She tells me constantly I do not have a drinking problem.

I feel like I'm at a pitfall moment in my life (or near one). Need to make it through each day. My strength is constantly being tested. I can handle this. I can do this. I am doing and I will do it.

marie1960

I am not an expert in addiction, I have never been with someone who is actively working a recovery program, but my personal common sense meter says...........

get away, and stay away from the people that are currently triggering you.

Continuing on your current path will only lead to more shortcomings for YOU.

You matter too, and it would serve your recovery to do all you can for yourself.

OnawaMiniya

You CAN do it. Yes you can. Don't forget that.

I agree with staying away from people who are toxic to you. The old roommate saying to you that you don't have a drinking problem....even though YOU know you do.... that is incredibly toxic to you. She is not concerned about your well being as much as she is concerned with "partying"and having someone to "party" with - you. She is in denial and trying to drag you into denial as well. DON'T fall for it. Remove yourself if you won't prevent her from coming around and you feel too triggered. You CAN do this, just like you said.

So you like to bake? Do you ever blog? Maybe you could start a baking blog, complete with recipes and photos, for fun (be sure to credit sources of recipes, unless you are coming up with your own, due to copyright...You can do some research to learn about those details). Do it for YOU, if that sounds fun to you. And tell NON TOXIC people you know who are into baking
or cooking. If everyone you know knows each other, generate some traffic to your blog online. If you don't know how to, some research will give you tips. Comment on other cooking blogs, many blogs allow your username to be directly linked to your own blog, or allow you to sign in to comment using your blog. Personally I don't think I'd tell those who were toxic to me, since the point of doing the blog would be to have a fun thing that you like to do, that isn't harmful to you or others.

Have you ever tried counseling for yourself? You can go online to http://therapists.psychologytoday.co...rof_search.php and find listings in your area for counselors. To the right, in the profiles, they list their areas of specialty and the types of treatments they like to offer. Perhaps a counselor could help you remain objective and focused and clear minded, which can be hard when you are surrounded with people who have habits that are harmful to you, both because those around you become abusive and/or aren't supportive, and of course because they trigger you regarding your own issues with alcohol/they are intoxicated around you.

Wishing you only the best, keep your head held high and stay focused! Peace.

Edit: also in the listings for counselors in above link, many list whether the cost is offered on a sliding scale, if money is an issue.