Yurt

Stella,
AH is her father, and he and I have always shared the laundry duties. He just has to have some control or something to say about every little aspect of our lives. It used to feel like he was caring. Now it just feels critical and controlling.

BTW, I think that DD does need to gauge the emotional temp in the household and respond in a healthy manner. Not by walking on eggshells, but by learning how to disengage. Understanding when and how to present her point of view. No she is not responsible for his responses, but she has to know what the outcome may be if she pushes his buttons. We have also talked about the fact that when she is on her own, she will have full control to make her own choices. The sad fact is that I am not ready to pull the plug yet. It may happen sooner than I expected or wanted, but I can't put our well being at risk by moving to the curb. Working on getting my ducks in a row, but not there yet. Taking my baby steps.

hopeful4

I agree with you. There is always a time to talk about things and when someone is not in the mind frame to hear it is not always the time to bring things up. I too believe you have to learn to gauge that in the home for each other. I think the important thing is that you are able to open up at some point and to talk at some point. If not it is walking eggshells.

With the way things sound I doubt it but do you think he would be open to counseling of any sort? I found I can bring up things in counseling that I don't at home because it gives me a neutral third party there to sort of mediate it all.

God Bless!

dandylion

I just have to say here........couples counseling isn't worth a h ill of beans with an active alcoholic----and, can often make it harder on the spouse.

I know that this is counterintuitive--but the rules for a non-alcoholic marriage go out the window for addictive marriages (relationships).

dandylion

dandylion

Yurt---have you ever talked to legal counsel? What makes you so sure that you have to "go to the curb"??

dandylion

stella27

It took me a long time to get that all the time spent trying to help other people "get it"(including AH and my children) were my continued attempts to control an uncontrollable situation.

Your post reminded me of a time that I told me sweet boy "honey, daddy's not mad at you. he's mad at me. you haven't done anything wrong," when what the kid and his younger siblings deserved was peace.

I'm talking about me, not you.

Yurt

Couples Counseling? My feeling is that AH would not be open to it. Oh, maybe if he thought that they could get me to see the error of my ways (i.e. Stepford Couples Counseling) In his family, there seems to be a stigma attached to anything that is associated with one's mental health. Relatives are spoken about in derogatory terms if they seek any type of help with these issues. Consequently, they use one another for guidance which is not always helpful. Interestingly enough, AH was always the one that family members went to when he was a teen, if they had problems. Can you imagine a 50yo A crying on an 18 year old's shoulder? This paints a disturbing picture of his family. It also reminds me of the concept of the "Sin Eater".

Legal counsel? Not yet. I did get contact info from one of my friends that divorced her AH two years ago. Right now, my job feels like it is all consuming. I had planned to get more info and seek advice after the new year though. I don't feel like I need to be in a hurry at the moment, although I am scouting out places to reside, getting banking info sorted, etc.

dandylion

For a married person--legal counsel is right at the top of the priorities--esp. if a child is involved.

It only takes one hour for a consultation. You can find free 1st. consultations---and these consultations can often be done over the phone. No need to take traveling time.

Surely, you have one hour.......?

There may be alternatives that you haven't even thought of. There often is.

dandylion

Yurt

Dandylion,
You are correct. I will make the time. Better to do this with guidance, rather than guessing and making the wrong choices.
Thank you for the face palm.

Wisconsin

Yurt, I'm willing to bet that you will feel a lot better after spending an hour on the phone with an attorney. ((hugs))

hopeful4

Yurt...I went to an attorney last week. It was so helpful and put me in a much better frame of mind. While I am not ready to act, I now realize what my options are and got my questions answered. I know my options when I am ready.

As far as counseling, I really meant family counseling but I understand, it is not always an option. I am lucky my AH is in the social work field and is very open to counseling. Although he is a binge drinker he is not putting the blame back on me so counseling is viable for us. We have both accepted we are going to either get help to make things better or to help us split up and remain friends and coparents. I realize not everyone's partner is so open to that type of help. It's a shame. I am the poster child for counseling, I believe we can all benefit...but that's another story LOL!

I recommend asking for a referral from a friend if possible for an attorney. I went to a friend in a similar situation as mine and got her attorney's name. I think that alone helped me feel more confident about the situation.