Having anxiety because Im starting to feel normal again..
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: back woods USA
Posts: 171
Having anxiety because Im starting to feel normal again..
Does that make sense??!! Its CRAZY!!!
Im starting to have longer and longer periods of not thinking about the whole situation...the end of my marriage, that fact that he has no contact with my kids, this whole OW thing, is he really sober going on 4 years??!!.....
then I will realize that I haven't thought about it for awhile and have a complete panic attack about the fact that maybe I am finally moving on ..it really is over...this really is my life...Im alone.
Was I really married to this person for 19 years and now he is just someone I use to know??...that is just completely strange to me and not how I picture my life being at the age of 50 (which is coming up in about 6 weeks)...I imagined grand kids and us together talking about them and planning what we were going to do now that the kids are grown....I use to hear people taking about their exs and how they hadn't spoken to them in years..granted they had no kids but I thought "how could that happen". My sister was married years ago right out of college, no kids, he had an affair and she left and never spoke to him again. I always thought that was weird and I would never let that happen...now I completely understand.
anyways..just kinda venting, getting it out, processing things ....
Im starting to have longer and longer periods of not thinking about the whole situation...the end of my marriage, that fact that he has no contact with my kids, this whole OW thing, is he really sober going on 4 years??!!.....
then I will realize that I haven't thought about it for awhile and have a complete panic attack about the fact that maybe I am finally moving on ..it really is over...this really is my life...Im alone.
Was I really married to this person for 19 years and now he is just someone I use to know??...that is just completely strange to me and not how I picture my life being at the age of 50 (which is coming up in about 6 weeks)...I imagined grand kids and us together talking about them and planning what we were going to do now that the kids are grown....I use to hear people taking about their exs and how they hadn't spoken to them in years..granted they had no kids but I thought "how could that happen". My sister was married years ago right out of college, no kids, he had an affair and she left and never spoke to him again. I always thought that was weird and I would never let that happen...now I completely understand.
anyways..just kinda venting, getting it out, processing things ....
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
formyboys, your post got me to thinking.......I think I hear you talking about 2 things (phenomena? human behaviors?) that I can also relate to.
#1. How our grief and pain is a sort of way of keeping a connection to the past. I have often seen this in myself and others after a significant death----a feeling of angst; or guilt; or anxiety and sadness as the memories of the grieving begins to lift. I think it makes us aware that the loss is real and we can't even hang on to it through our grief and longer. The Final Acceptance. I have observed that this is also a kind of phase that passes in a fairly short time--not as long or intense as the acute grief period.
#2. What I, personally, think of the "In-between Time". That period of time that exists after something really Big or really Sudden that literally changes life as we have know it. I mean changed in major ways--not just a job change or a routine move. Deeper than that. Life has been flipped on it's end----and there hasn't been time to establish a new life, yet. We have lost our history---and we don't have a new one (yet). For me, it has felt like a global inner disturbance of some kind. Vague--hard to put my finger on.
Someone, here on SR once wrote "When one door closes--another door opens--but it is HEL* in the hallway!"
Formyboys, I thought I would share my thoughts on this--in case you can identify with any of this.
In any case, I have a feeling that, this too, shall pass.
dandylion
#1. How our grief and pain is a sort of way of keeping a connection to the past. I have often seen this in myself and others after a significant death----a feeling of angst; or guilt; or anxiety and sadness as the memories of the grieving begins to lift. I think it makes us aware that the loss is real and we can't even hang on to it through our grief and longer. The Final Acceptance. I have observed that this is also a kind of phase that passes in a fairly short time--not as long or intense as the acute grief period.
#2. What I, personally, think of the "In-between Time". That period of time that exists after something really Big or really Sudden that literally changes life as we have know it. I mean changed in major ways--not just a job change or a routine move. Deeper than that. Life has been flipped on it's end----and there hasn't been time to establish a new life, yet. We have lost our history---and we don't have a new one (yet). For me, it has felt like a global inner disturbance of some kind. Vague--hard to put my finger on.
Someone, here on SR once wrote "When one door closes--another door opens--but it is HEL* in the hallway!"
Formyboys, I thought I would share my thoughts on this--in case you can identify with any of this.
In any case, I have a feeling that, this too, shall pass.
dandylion
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Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
I can relate. I mean, in my case, there isn't a sadness and grief over it, but sort of a surprised realization that he really is not a person I even think about on a daily basis anymore. And exactly that ability that I've sort of been shocked at in people to talk about an ex as if they didn't really matter anymore is something I've envied.
I'm not there yet, mainly because he's still doing his best to #@$(*&#$ up my life and the life of our children -- but I have moved on to a place where he's an annoyance more than a looming threat every day.
I'm not there yet, mainly because he's still doing his best to #@$(*&#$ up my life and the life of our children -- but I have moved on to a place where he's an annoyance more than a looming threat every day.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
I think it is beginning to happen for you. "Recovery". I did read your posts when you were here before, you were 4myboys. 19 years is a really long time. I did 25 with mine. Not much difference there. I spent so many years trying to be the person that he could/would love. I no longer thought of myself anymore. Even when I left, I still couldn't imagine my life without him. I wanted all of the things that I dreamed of. My children were older, they already left the nest, (so to speak). I dreamed of taking trips, selling the house that we had, moving to the country. Having our grandchildren stay over, taking them to amusement parks and to the zoo.
Now it was all gone !!!!!!!!!!!!
What do I do now ??? That was my life.
Well, that was all fairy tales, all make-believe. If I stayed, I would have been miserable, just like I was miserable when I was there. Nothing was going to change.
But yet, I couldn't let it go. I think I spent so much time trying to fix things, make things better, so that I could have my fairy tale ending, that I didn't know how to think or even be me anymore.
It started to happen slowly. I would go a few hours without beating myself up, I was actually enjoying myself. Then I would think to myself, "well this can't be right, I'm happy, but yet this is not what I want". I want my fairy tale back. So I would sit around and think, and think some more, would get depressed, and I would be ok. I was back in my "comfort zone".
I didn't realize how silly that was. I was choosing depression over happy, just so that I could remain in my "comfort zone".
It took me a long time, close to 5 years, to realize that he did me a favor. I accepted that there was no turning back, I accepted he was gone, and then I looked at my life, the way it is now.
It's not so bad, I go out and I'm happy, I have the best friends anyone could ever imagine, I own my own home now, I had to do a lot of work here on it, but it's what I want, the way I like it. So what's so wrong with what I have?
Nothing is wrong with it !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just wasn't appreciating it while I had silly fantasies and fairy tales in my head.
I was dwelling on the past and not living for the present and the future.
I was afraid of the unknown, but I was living the unknown, and I liked it. I'm a really slow learner here, it took me almost 5 years to get "me" back.
Now it was all gone !!!!!!!!!!!!
What do I do now ??? That was my life.
Well, that was all fairy tales, all make-believe. If I stayed, I would have been miserable, just like I was miserable when I was there. Nothing was going to change.
But yet, I couldn't let it go. I think I spent so much time trying to fix things, make things better, so that I could have my fairy tale ending, that I didn't know how to think or even be me anymore.
It started to happen slowly. I would go a few hours without beating myself up, I was actually enjoying myself. Then I would think to myself, "well this can't be right, I'm happy, but yet this is not what I want". I want my fairy tale back. So I would sit around and think, and think some more, would get depressed, and I would be ok. I was back in my "comfort zone".
I didn't realize how silly that was. I was choosing depression over happy, just so that I could remain in my "comfort zone".
It took me a long time, close to 5 years, to realize that he did me a favor. I accepted that there was no turning back, I accepted he was gone, and then I looked at my life, the way it is now.
It's not so bad, I go out and I'm happy, I have the best friends anyone could ever imagine, I own my own home now, I had to do a lot of work here on it, but it's what I want, the way I like it. So what's so wrong with what I have?
Nothing is wrong with it !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just wasn't appreciating it while I had silly fantasies and fairy tales in my head.
I was dwelling on the past and not living for the present and the future.
I was afraid of the unknown, but I was living the unknown, and I liked it. I'm a really slow learner here, it took me almost 5 years to get "me" back.
My emotional baggage
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Northern CA
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Amy55,
Sorry wrong 4MyBoys! I'm still here too but more as a lurker now.
This post really fits my life right now. I have not been posting much at all, only reading becuase my life has been getting so much better. And sometimes coming here too much. It can actually bring on anxiety now when it used to soothe. I have finally turned a corner, I guess. He can still call the police on my but I just don't have that knee jerk panic reaction I used to.
I felt like a normie on Halloween night. I decided to be the bigger person and have the boys call to go see him briefly outside his new house in their costumes. The boys were thrilled. I am sure he had been drinking. He never even turned on his house inside or outside lights and took forever to answer the door even though we had never been there before. But I was the one in control of the situation. Never stayed more that a few feet away, so I could hear everthing being said. I knew I could call the police or intervene if it went sideways. RAther than having my knees give out is I was in a 10 foot radius of him.
My older son acted like I had given him the moon.... Glad to be finally in this position. It was a hard fought battle to get here.....
4MyBoys
Sorry wrong 4MyBoys! I'm still here too but more as a lurker now.
This post really fits my life right now. I have not been posting much at all, only reading becuase my life has been getting so much better. And sometimes coming here too much. It can actually bring on anxiety now when it used to soothe. I have finally turned a corner, I guess. He can still call the police on my but I just don't have that knee jerk panic reaction I used to.
I felt like a normie on Halloween night. I decided to be the bigger person and have the boys call to go see him briefly outside his new house in their costumes. The boys were thrilled. I am sure he had been drinking. He never even turned on his house inside or outside lights and took forever to answer the door even though we had never been there before. But I was the one in control of the situation. Never stayed more that a few feet away, so I could hear everthing being said. I knew I could call the police or intervene if it went sideways. RAther than having my knees give out is I was in a 10 foot radius of him.
My older son acted like I had given him the moon.... Glad to be finally in this position. It was a hard fought battle to get here.....
4MyBoys
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: San Diego, ca
Posts: 268
[QUOTE=formyboys;4281884]Does that make sense??!! Its CRAZY!!!
Im starting to have longer and longer periods of not thinking about the whole situation...the end of my marriage, that fact that he has no contact with my kids, this whole OW thing, is he really sober going on 4 years??!!.....
then I will realize that I haven't thought about it for awhile and have a complete panic attack about the fact that maybe I am finally moving on ..it really is over...this really is my life...Im alone./QUOTE]
Yes, I know this feeling well. It's very surreal, isn't it? I get rushes of anxiety when I let the feeling of loss creep in. It's been almost four months since the end and I go in and out of that feeling. I spend a lot of my time trying to push that loss away; by biking and photography and work. But when it gets quiet...oh I can get overwhelmed by the knowledge that he is becoming a stranger...yes, someone I probably will never talk to again. It's very disturbing to me.
Im starting to have longer and longer periods of not thinking about the whole situation...the end of my marriage, that fact that he has no contact with my kids, this whole OW thing, is he really sober going on 4 years??!!.....
then I will realize that I haven't thought about it for awhile and have a complete panic attack about the fact that maybe I am finally moving on ..it really is over...this really is my life...Im alone./QUOTE]
Yes, I know this feeling well. It's very surreal, isn't it? I get rushes of anxiety when I let the feeling of loss creep in. It's been almost four months since the end and I go in and out of that feeling. I spend a lot of my time trying to push that loss away; by biking and photography and work. But when it gets quiet...oh I can get overwhelmed by the knowledge that he is becoming a stranger...yes, someone I probably will never talk to again. It's very disturbing to me.
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: back woods USA
Posts: 171
I knew you peeps would understand...its almost like Ive been in this broken state of being for so long that its comfortable for me. 2 solid years of greif is a long time...we adapt to it and it becomes our norm. Now when I realize Im not dwelling on it I almost run back to that greif and then Im ok...cus If im not sad about it what else do I have to connect me to it??!!...good gawd, its so twisted...lol! you have to laugh.
Thanks for all your input...its so appreciated and important to me...never underestimate the feeling of knowing that you are not the only bat sh#% crazy person out there. lol!!
Thanks for all your input...its so appreciated and important to me...never underestimate the feeling of knowing that you are not the only bat sh#% crazy person out there. lol!!
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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formyboys--YOU ARE N OT CRAZY. This is a normal reaction to your situation (see my post).
Try not to use negative descriptions of yourself (words are so powerful).
(I understand how you feel, though).
dandylion
Try not to use negative descriptions of yourself (words are so powerful).
(I understand how you feel, though).
dandylion
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Reminds me a cat we picked up from a shelter years ago.
He had spent months in a cage, and that seemed normal to him. When we brought him home to live in our warehouse, it was too big and open for him to feel comfortable. He figured out he could climb up in the player piano, and it was all solid and enclosed around him. He mostly stayed inside there for the first week.
He had spent months in a cage, and that seemed normal to him. When we brought him home to live in our warehouse, it was too big and open for him to feel comfortable. He figured out he could climb up in the player piano, and it was all solid and enclosed around him. He mostly stayed inside there for the first week.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 156
I remember being extremely anxious ALL of the time about ABF and all his activities an where my life was headed. Just always wound up- sad- and sick. I cant remember the last time i felt that, or it came over me uncontrollably. Maybe that means recovery? Im still with him, and have small hints of it naturally if there is aome confrontations..... But hell... It used to be BAD and constant. Recovery is something that just "comes" i guess when u have been doing the work on your thoughts an self and least expect it. It is like trying to lose weight. Slow and constant then one day u look at yourself and say.. I got a ways to go BUT.... I am going to be OK. And that was when i realized that anxiety had mostly gone away.
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Join Date: Sep 2011
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thanks guys...I know its a process I have to go through, thanks for verifying for me 
At least now in the last few months I feel like Im finally moving forward and not stuck like I have been for the last 2 years. Life goes on ...with or without you.
whether you like it or not...
At least now in the last few months I feel like Im finally moving forward and not stuck like I have been for the last 2 years. Life goes on ...with or without you.
whether you like it or not...
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