meggem

It was ok. The people were so nice and so welcoming. It was a book study group. There was about 10 people there and they were reading from this book called "Discovering Choices" or something and I had come in during step 8 and 9. What really confused me and actually made me mad was that I do not understand why on earth *I* would have to make amends! I know it was just the layout of their meeting and that is when I came in, and that's ok. But I really didn't understand why someone who has been affected by alcohol would need to make amends. I know there is a reason behind it but of course I didn't ask. If I didn't know any better I would have thought I was in an AA meeting.

So each person read a passage and spoke about what it meant to them, and one woman broke down and cried and talked for a while I could relate to her a lot. I picked up a few little things.. After the meeting two ladies (who have only been at that group one or two other times) talked with me and I liked it. It wasn't anything of great substance but I liked being around them.

I did feel safe. I wish I could have had a Jessicajoe meeting were I could have just cried and unloaded but I wasn't sure since it was a "book study" meeting if it was appropriate to tell my story per say because the passages were about making amends..but as people commented and reflected on the passage they just read they were sharing as it related.

But I certainly could not relate to needing to make any amends because I have done *nothing* wrong

I'm not sure if anyone can explain that better. But I do plan on going to that one every week. With my husbands outpatient treatment that is all my schedule will permit for now, but I went! And I wasn't sorry I went either.

lizw

Great you got to a meeting. I've been going to al anon for a few years now and that is a great book, discovering choices as I know I felt my choices were very limited when I first started attending al anon. My life felt very small and narrow due to my obsession with the alcoholic in my life.

If I were you I wouldn't worry too much about the 8th and 9th step right now, just keep going to meetings.

I found it very confusing too when I was new but as my obsession with the alcoholic lessened, the more I went to meetings I did start to see how I had been neglecting my own life and other relationships and needed to correct this.

honeypig

Just work on step 1--that's why it comes first. And by the time you make it down to steps 8 and 9, you may have a whole different take on whether or not you "have done anything wrong." A whole lot can change in your understanding and perceptions once you start Alanon.

And your feeling that you bumbled into an AA meeting is not so far from the truth. Pretty much all of the other meetings--Gamblers Anonymous, Codependents Anonymous, Overeaters Anonymous, Alanon, etc.--are the AA 12-step program w/a different substance of abuse. In our case in Alanon, our "drug of choice" is the alcoholic. Again, that might not make sense to you right now, but in time, I bet it will.

Good work on going to that first meeting. Keep on going, and maybe look into some Alanon reading material to help you figure out what's happening. Amazon has LOADS of stuff; just search under books for "Alanon books".

Best wishes!

Leana

Meggem- I agree with you 1000% and it is what turns me off to Al Anon. I did nothing wrong. I didn't harm anyone, I didn't use drugs or alcohol, break the law, lie, cheat, or steal, so who am I making amends to and why. I don't get it. Everyone says to start with step 1 and take it as it comes but I can not get past it, and it is a big reason why I won't go back.

honeypig

You know, I didn't use drugs or alcohol either; nor did I break the law lie, cheat or steal. However, I find I still have PLENTY to make amends about. I have been unkind, belittling, controlling, less than fully honest, selfish, unwilling to see any other point of view except my own...and the list could go on and on.

I felt angry at first, too, determined that I was the good one, the responsible one, the victim of someone else's problems. None of this was my fault, dammit, and why should I have to do anything about it?!?!

As I kept on going and did my best to keep an open mind, I began to get it. And I also began to see that Alanon isn't about the A; it's about me and it's about LIFE. You might like to check out this thread http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...reas-life.html and see if maybe there is something there that might get you to take another look at Alanon. Chances are, you're not quite as blameless as you thought--most of us aren't.....and there can be a lot of good gotten thru Alanon.

Some folks are content w/SR, and no doubt, this is a great community. I like to use both; each has its own strengths.

JustAGirl1971

I've only been to one meeting and they were on step 11. From what I understand that has to do with seeking your higher power through prayer and meditation. I COULD relate to that a lot.

As for the making amends part, I think everyone has people they need to make amends to. In my case - I definitely need to make amends to my children. I chose to stay despite the negative effects on them. In retrospect, I can see how my futile attempts at changing and controlling the situation and my husband actually made things worse instead of better. We all (husband included) would have been better off if I'd set clear boundaries early on and stuck to them (if you touch me in anger, I will leave; if you stay out late drinking, I will lock the doors and not let you in; I will not discuss important things with you when you're yelling or drunk; etc.) Instead, I made allowances. I attempted to control my husband's behaviors through manipulative means (even if I didn't recognize or mean them as such, it's the same end result.) I've been taking a hard look at myself these last few weeks and I'm seeing many things I've done wrong. No, maybe I didn't create the situation, but my reaction to the situation was wrong - it made things worse.

I don't know if that makes sense to you, but that's where I'm at. I haven't done a program, I don't know the steps, but I am, for the first time, seeing myself and my actions clearly and I'm not liking what I'm seeing.

JustAGirl1971

This is exactly what I was trying to say. Thank you

My ds's counselor thinks the 12 steps are beneficial for anyone. He thinks it's just a good, solid way to live your life.

meggem

yea, I know. I have always been an advocate of the 12 steps and spirituality and a higher power and I have known Melody Beattie long before this so I trust that in time, like you all said, someday step 8 and 9 might make more sense to me. I can't help but admit I felt a little angry about the topic of my first meeting as I sat there listening. But I knew I was in the right place with the right people and that is all I really had for the moment. I'm just not ready for any amends right now. I'm not ready to face and see how my behavior may have had a negative effect on others. Well, I might be ready to see it with one eye closed, but make amends for it? No. No way. HELL NO.

Leana

honeypig- I am not saying I am perfect by any means but as for your comment about me not being as blameless as I think I am.

Well, I am sorry but I respectfully disagree. We have 2 kids, each child was given every opportunity to succeed according to their plan in life- no matter what that might be. They were given rules, boundary's,and parents who were there for them. One is hard-working, well-mannered, and a success in his field. The other is an addict. Same rules, same parents, same opportunities.

While I may have amends to make with others in my life, sorry- no way in hell will I make amends to my addict daughter. I will love her, support her recovery, praise her accomplishments, and refuse to enable her if she would relapse. But as meggem said ..."make amends for it? No. No way. HELL NO."

jessicajoe

Hiya Meggem
I've been 3 times now.
The first one was just as I posted here.
The second was kind of weird. The way it works is they rotate the chair every week and the chair speaks first and shares for maybe twenty minutes then readings etc. Then it goes round the room and everyone shares. Everyone kind of starts by relating to something the chair said but often it goes off on a tangent and ends up being about something completely different they are dealing with.
Anyway at the second one it was kind of weird because (I'm trying to respect the whole "stays in the room thing" here) The chair shared about something and I disagreed with his point of view and felt he was laying blame somewhere he shouldn't. I wondered what others would say. People kind of found ways to support him and what he was feeling without actually agreeing. It was strange I found myself desperate to say "ah but".(I didn't) I just kept reciting in my head "take what you need and leave the rest" I hope that one day I can have as much tact as the others who were there.
Last Friday was back to being amazing. I was the "newest" person there. Everyone was kind of sharing about their journey and how much better they are because of AlAnon. People with their As, apart from them, active As and sober As but all the Alanon people"getting better"
When it came to my turn (I was last and I think the chair kindly engineered it that way) I said "I'm so glad you all talked about the crazy way you felt at the beginning because I think that's where I am right now" I then when on to talk about the fact that I know my partner and I going our separate ways is inevitable its just a matter of when. By the time I finished I was crying so hard I thought I wasn't going to stop. Seriously my chest was heaving and I was sort of convulsing in a way I haven't since I was a teenager it was actually scary. Everyone acted like it was normal.
When the meeting closed maybe six different people came and said to me. "When it happens you will be ready" or "if you can't take a day at a time take five minutes at a time" or "this is as bad as it need get" or variations of these. It was wonderful. Since that meeting I have felt different "resigned to it ?" "acceptance ?" I don't know not happy but different, better.
Anyway I think my point is I've had one good one, one okay one and one great one. They could have happened in any order and so far that's good odds.
This has gotten long and I wanted to talk about amends sorry.
I'm not looking forward to that either but whilst I don't know yet how amends would relate to my A there are other people in my life I have hurt. When I had my babies I was in a terrible marriage. I took so much out on my mother. I was always telling her she was "helping me wrong" and blaming her for things. I can still nip at her now and she's not a spring chicken. I also parted ways with a good friend of many years when I felt obliged to "take sides" with my XH in an argument. Him and I separated six years ago but I have been far too proud to approach her. I have lots more examples like that. If I'm understanding it right these are the sorts of things I have coming in amends. Hard work but I can see how they might be worth looking at. Thank goodness I'm still struggling with step one.
Goodness. Maybe I should just have said I hope the next ones better for you. I do.

honeypig

Recovery is a process. We are not expected to understand it or do it all in one day, all at one time. All I'm saying, Leana, is maybe leave the door open a crack. None of us knows what the future will bring.

Again, no one is expected to jump in at Step 8 or 9. There is a whole lot of other stuff to work thru before you even consider whether you have amends to make. And if you get there and can honestly say you have nothing to make amends for, then so be it. No one is going to force you to make amends--or to do anything else in Alanon, for that matter.

meggem

Leana, I completely understand how you feel because I feel that way too - but I am being open honest and willing. And honeypig is right, the steps are in that order for a reason. And I can't even get step one or two yet, let alone step 8 or 9. Jessicajoe your share helps a lot. I appreciate you telling me how your meetings went. I too felt the "take what you need and leave the rest" - I do look forward to next week and what it will bring. All I can say is that I walked out feeling different. Not happy, but different. I think I long for the meeting where something speaks to me and it's my turn to speak and it call comes out -the more tears the better. That is my hope. And it will come. Because I know like when I am here on SR, I'll be in just the right place and when I dry my tears, there will be a tiny bit of healing.

DesertEyes

I, too, did nothing wrong in my alcoholic marriage. I, too, did not understand why I had to apologize.

Peeps at the meetings told me to start at the beginning. That if I continued to manage everything around me with the same brain that had got me into al-anon in the first place I would continue to get what I had been getting.

I had been getting _nowhere_.

So I figured I might try to hang around a bit longer, listen to what people had to say, and would pass judgement on them later, _after_ I got to know them. Instead of _before_ I got to know them.

I made some friends, and one of them ended up as my sponsor. He told me to read the step again, but this time just read the letters written in black ink on the white paper. Nowhere, in the steps, did I find the world "apologize". Nowhere did it say that _I_ had done anything wrong.

My codie-adled brain simply _assumed_ that the steps were repeating what my pill-addicted wife had been saying for years; that it was all my fault. Somehow, the constant wearing down of my resistance by the disease of alcoholism resulted in my hearing my wife's words everywhere I went. Even where the written words clearly said something else.

The word on the paper is "ammends". It has _nothing_ to do with apologize. It means to repair what is broken. Okay, so what is broken?

Me. I had become an enabler. The way to fix that is _not_ by apologizing. That is just words. Al-anon teaches that words are meaningless, only action counts. So I had to learn how to _not_ be an enabler. That is how I could fix _me_. Oh, and along the way, it gives my ex wife a chance at finding her own recovery if she no longer has an enabler making it easy for her. It makes _me_ a better partner, a better husband, a better person.

Nowhere does it say I did something wrong. Becoming an enable is _not_ something wrong. It is not a moral issue that can be judged by the words good or bad, right or wrong. Becoming an enabler is like getting a nasty injury in a car wreck and developing gangrene. The accident was not my fault, the gangrene is not my fault, none of that is my doing. Choosing to follow doctors directions and taking my meds every day in order to heal the gangrene _is_ my doing.

I would never have become an alanoid if my wife had never become ill, never needed pain meds, never become addicted. None of that was my doing. The reality is that she did. My choice is whether I will sit in my denial and pretend I can fix her, or follow the advice of several therapists, and the wise people I have met in al-anon, and take my "medicine". That is my doing, for _that_ I am responsible.

My medicine is to hang around al-anon, hang around SR, listen to what the wise people say, apply it to my life and continue to grow every day.

Mike

SparkleKitty

Wow. Beautifully said, Mike. Deserves more than just a thanks.

meggem

Ditto Sparklekitty....

Hopeworks

Well said. This is why I love this website because it does take a village or a community sometimes to put together the puzzle pieces in a way that make sense at the end of the thread.

Providing each other pieces of clarity one little sliver at a time and in time...it becomes a new window we start to look through that illuminates the possibilities with our new way of living life in harmony and peace.

Leana

I still don't understand but I am trying by being on this site but being berated as a crybaby because I don't understand - doesn't help.

jessicajoe

Leana
Honestly
I think he meant me and Meggen for talking about crying at AlAnon meetings. He only used it as an opening to the crackpot story
I've seen Hammer talk in other posts about crying at AlAnon meetings himself.
Leana you don't have to feel anything you don't want to feel. You really don't

Leana

Thanks Jesicajoe I appreciate your post, I thought it was directed at me. I have found some people on this site to be a little nasty and thought that Hammer was just adding to it. Maybe this isn't for me either and my daughter left the recovery house, so I guess it doesn't matter anyway. But I do appreciate your response. Thanks.

krhea75

I went to a beginner's study that focused on the first three steps....Also the people in the group were willing to take a break from the planned literature for the evening and listen to me and another newcomer ask questions. That was 8 months ago and I can't live without my meetings now!