samazing34

He has definitely said some pretty repulsive things. I know this and somehow I still yearn for that love. I spoke with one of his coworkers the night he was arrested and he kept asking me why I'm still with him and if I wanted to swap partners. It would be easy to say that the reason he got involved with me at 16 years old was pedophilic in nature, but I do not believe that's necessarily the case. It was probably more along the lines of me being easy to manipulate, or as BlueSkies1 wonderfully said, or to become the driver of my life. I am going to attempt to explain that to him, that I'm getting in the driver's seat. And I really cannot wait to be self-sufficient, my experiences with him have shown me just how important they are. And boy it sure does suck knowing I could be a junior at a great university right now! Perhaps I'm defending him here too much, but I do not think he consciously sought me out. It was just a series of very unfortunate (or fortunate, for the optimists) circumstances that brought us together. I do believe there is genuine love between us, somewhere amidst all of the unhealthy aspects of the relationship. I am still naïve in many ways, I know this. I've never claimed to know more than any of my elders, I've never been that arrogant kind of teenager. I also just never knew I'd be so easily sucked into this life. Who plans to though, right?

Also, thanks to ResignedToWait for that quote from previous members. It really puts things into perspective. My ABF actually told me once that it's a sign of intelligence to simplify those things that are complicated (I believe he paraphrased Einstein)!

Edited to add: I did not know he was an alcoholic from the beginning. Obviously, being in CA and him in GA, it all began online. The signs were there, I just didn't recognize them at the time as signs. Even when we met and were together, I excused the drinking for stress/anxiety. I think I started to wise up about it when he started to become ill (eventually violently ill), and I was driving him around at 5am looking for a place open that sold alcohol.

csd

That sounds great Sam, you sound like you are beginning to think clearly. As for the mutual love side, I just wanted to say, I felt the same way, I would bet everyone here did, but until once you step back and think, its just not clear. I think him going to prison was the best part of this for you, It gave you that chance to step back for a bit, enough to have a slight moment of clarity. All I can say for you now, is its going to be hard to let go, I still struggle. But sooner or later, your going to find the right one for you. Especially now, you know what the wrong one is. Good luck sweetheart.