samazing34

Through my experiences in life so far I've come to understand that sometimes there is no "right" answer. Sometimes it just is the way it is and you have to come to accept that. But right now I'm struggling with what the "right" answer is.

I'm 20 years old and am in love with an alcoholic. We've been together for 4 years now and we've continuously dreamt of our future together: marriage and babies and all. Right now he's sitting in jail because he went to work drunk, raging everyone and eventually the police were called. He had a warrant out for him, which is why he is still there currently. Please no comments about the warrant, the details are personal and for legal reasons I don't want to post about it. I will however say that it's regarding something that happened over 5 years ago, so my issue with him does not involve that (aside from being in jail, that stinks.... sometimes, depending on how you look at it). We have had a rollercoaster of a relationship, not because of us, but because of him drinking. But then again, "what you do is who you are", so... Anyway, I can go on forever about our relationship because it's definitely not your average one, but I'll try to stick to the topic.

I actually left him a few months ago, this summer in July. Of course, as many probably have experienced, we got back together and he promised to stop drinking (not the first time he's promised, just the first time I left). What makes it a little more difficult to leave, is that everything I know and love is in California, but for the past 2 years almost I've been here in Georgia (2000+ miles away) working towards what I thought would be a better future. Anyway, in talking with his mother, who has dealt with him and his problems for years (he is quite a bit older than me) she too had hope, because he was working (a big one since it had been a long time since he was making money of his own). He was also very dedicated to fixing up the house we were moving into (a family death left it in his mother's name). Even his step father who had washed his hands of him years ago had some hope that this was finally a recovery. So I came back. I will have been back now for a month, tomorrow. He couldn't even make it one month with me here, without drinking. :'( As a matter of fact, I actually came back on his birthday.... and he drank a few beers then. It sure was a slap in the face. With the little voice in my head saying "I told you so". Anyway, with him being gone I've been staying with his parents. I know I have to leave and go home to CA. Not because of just this incident, but because this isn't the first, and it's doubtful to be the last. I packed up my bags, but am waiting to buy a ticket. I am just so incredibly sad, and I have been sad for so long now. I just don't want to be sad anymore. I never knew my life was going to be like this. I dropped out of college for this. I was a great student in high school, had a 3.9 gpa was on the varsity volleyball team, vp of a business club, everything. I'm a very compassionate person, and I believe that is one of the reasons I ignored the warning signs. Heck, even when they weren't warning signs anymore I was full of hope and so very optimistic. My SO is a wonderful person to be around when he's not drinking, as are most alcoholics I'm sure.

There is a possibility of my SO coming home on or around the 15th with bail. He is, as can be assumed, promising to go to AA (never actually has been) or whatever he has to, so he can figure out how all these other guys do it. So how am I supposed to leave someone who is saying he's willing to do whatever it takes? He is just as charming and good with words as you can imagine. Though I do believe he is genuine in his feelings I know there is the broken pattern of synapses firing around in his brain that make it difficult to put those words into action. He told me today he's going to take every class he can inside the jail. He is desperate, and understandably so. Every time I talk to him on the phone or see him, I feel what I thought was strength crumbling. I love him, and it's so hard to leave when you love someone. I just don't know what to do. I pity him and don't want to leave him in his darkest hour. We're engaged, though we've been engaged so long we're practically married in our minds. They say "in sickness and in health". Where is the clause where it states "but it's okay to leave in sickness once it starts screwing with your own"?? I'm not looking for an out, I just need some advice maybe. Or reassurance. Though now I'm not sure of anything, if I ever was. I overanalyze everything, so I doubt anyone could say something that I have yet to think of, but maybe it'll shed some fresh light. I need to not feel so alone. I feel so alone in my thoughts and emotions.

Ruby2

Well, you are not alone. If you found this site and have been reading on here before posting, you know there are a lot of us out here.

I can understand your sadness, hurt and confusion. How can you justify leaving a suffering person whom you love, right? Who promises they love you and will try to get better? You want to be supportive and take care of them.

I used to feel that way. I used to think that I could help my husband get sober. To stay sober. By loving him. By supporting him. By patting him on the back. By forgiving him when he messed up.

The reality of it? None of that mattered. I gave and gave and gave and it was all taken but not given back. Sure your fiancé will say anything now. He is in jail. Not a very nice, soft place to be. My husband would say anything when I kicked him out. I always took him back. Did he follow through on any of it? No. And no. And no. And no again. You see, it happened over and over again.

Whether to leave him or not is entirely up to you. But be prepared to the reality that until he gets some serious help and some serious sobriety time, this will most likely happen over and over. And if you have children together they too will be dragged into this. Love does not conquer all when addiction is involved.

You asked about "in sickness and in health." I was just thinking about that. Did you ever take a swimming life saving course? You are always cautioned that sometimes a drowning person will drag you down with them in their panic. Do you want to be drowned? Taken down with him if it comes to that?

You don't have to make any immediate decisions. Take care of yourself. Keep reading here and learning about alcoholism. You are not alone. There are, as I earlier wrote, a lot of us out there.

Leana

You are 20 years old and have been with the same person since you were 16, even if he wasn't an alcoholic and wasn't quite a bit older than you, I would say the same thing, leave. Your 20's are a time to find out who you are, babysitting an alcoholic boyfriend is not the way to do that. Leave, be on your own for a couple of years, then if you still want a relationship with him then go back, he'll still be there, and will probably still be drinking.

CarryOn

Welcome samazing...sorry for what brought you here, but I'm glad that you found us.

Alcoholism is a terminal disease. Unlike other terminal diseases, it can take decades to kill someone...and that is a lot of time to wreak havoc in the lives around the diseased person. Caretakers for anyone with a terminal disease have an increased likelihood to experience their own physical, mental & emotional difficulties. If your SO had cancer & chose not to treat it, he probably would not live for decades more...I think you get where I'm going, so I'll leave that alone.

I would say to head back to CA to be with your family & return to school. You need to be able to take care of yourself, and getting an education will help you with that. Should you stay with your ABF, you are REALLY going to need to be able to take care of yourself. My RAH has 5+ months of sobriety again...great for him...I'm working my own recovery so that I will be okay regardless of what happens with him.

Stick around...read the stickies...check out an AlAnon meeting - actually, try six different meetings...read Codependent No More by Melody Beattie...educate yourself about alcoholism. There's no need to make a decision today, tomorrow or this week, but you should learn what you are dealing with so you can make an informed decision. All the best to you.

NWGRITS

Welcome, samazing. I'm going to echo Leana here: even if he wasn't an A or significantly older than you, I'd say leave. I stayed in an unhealthy relationship from 16-21, and it sucked all the life out of me. He ended up in jail twice and then physically assaulted me once we got engaged. I gave up so much in those five years. You are still young (I'm 30 now), and you can go home to school. At 20, you're still figuring out who you are. Go be young and enjoy it while it lasts.

csd

well wouldnt we all love to be 20 again, knowing what we all know now, pmsl, I would be running amok personnaly. listen to all these wise words young Lady, they are words of wisdom. even though you are 20 and still know everything better than your elders ( thats a joke btw, partial truth aswell) your not even in your prime yet. this is the perfect learning experience, YOU should know now what YOU dont want for the rest of your life. go enjoy your 20's, find a man eventually that will respect and love you only ( and not a bottle ) lifes just too short for this BS,
Best of luck.

Hopeworks

Oh Samazing,

Your story is so familiar to me and I understand how you feel.

Do you really want to help him get back on his feet and take care of you too? Dropping everything and hovering over him in Georgia is NOT the way. I did that for 4 years for my XA who spent a lot of our relationship in rehabs, jails, casinos or the streets (I threw him out regularly for drinking and that is what alcoholics do!).

I gave my LIFE, my energy, my money, my love and my sanity to my XA... threw it all away because his family was thrilled that I was keeping him out of trouble (sometimes) and fighting the alcoholism (which is battle NO ONE can win but the A).

If he is desperate and if he is WILLING to do whatever it takes only he can do it. Geography doesn't matter, your being there doesn't matter because the battle is between his ears and his heart... it is a spiritual battle. He needs to do this on his own and the odds are terrible quite frankly. Chances are what you are experiencing is the best it will ever be... fairytale endings are rarer than being hit by lighting 7 times in a row on the same day.

How much can you accomplish in one year if you went back to California and weren't babysitting a grown man? Could you pass some classes and get some credits? Spend some time working on your own recovery? What can he do in a year? He could prove he is a man who can stop drinking, work a real program of authentic recovery, solve his legal problems like he should have 5 years ago instead of being a fugitive, get a job and keep it, not blow up and get arrested again and on and on and on again.

And in a year... you could rethink whether he is really relationship material.... what does your family think???? Oh my... every fiber of being says RUN! Hit the eject button and open your parachute darling.

But you have to walk this out and I am not judging you... I had to make the same mistakes over and over and over again for years and I was in my 50's and KNEW BETTER... so don't feel bad if you have to put your hand on the stove again even when you know it is hot.

The best way to help you feel better sooner is counseling, alanon and lots of lots of books and reading on the internet.

Keep coming back... we all care deeply for you and you are not alone!

ResignedToWait

Quoted from Pelican, who quoted it from Hydrogirl....
You wouldn't leave someone that had cancer, but would you stay with them if they kept going back to the store to buy more cancer?

That's always stuck with me after I read it.

honeypig

So much really good advice here, samazing. I hope you can take some of it to heart.

The biggest thing for you right now, IMHO, is to educate yourself about alcoholism, as others have suggested. Also look into "terminal uniqueness", so as to avoid THAT pitfall. So many of us came here thinking that somehow we were special and our situation was different from what we saw posted on the forum. We really and truly loved and supported our A, and that would make all the difference.

Sadly, time has shown us that nope, we're pretty much all in the same boat, and if love was all it took to cure an alcoholic, this board wouldn't exist. Please do read as much as possible, and see if a lot of this doesn't sound familiar to you. Yes, of course an A can get into recovery, but they will do that regardless of anything we may do to either support or hinder them. It is THEIR battle. We have our own to fight.

I'd also like to second the recommendation for Alanon. There is a lot of wisdom there, and there is also something to be said for real-world support. SR is a great place, but we do have limitations simply b/c we ARE an online community. A lot of us use both SR and Alanon for the strengths of each. You might like to do the same.

Welcome, and I wish you strength and clarity in the days to come.

kudzujean

If you stay involved with him, use very good birth control.

As an adult child of an alcoholic, I can tell you nobody's doing their kids any favor by choosing an active alcoholic for their children's father/mother.

lillamy

Hi - I just wanted to add that being in a relationship with an alcoholic affects you, but it doesn't change who you are.

You are still that 3.9 GPA varsity volleyball player. You can go back to college and finish. You can create the life you want for yourself.

You can't do it with a millstone around your neck, though.

So the question is - what do you want? It sounds to me like you really miss the person you used to be.

m1k3

THIS!!!!

I would also like to add that I got hung up on the whole vows thing as well and stayed way too long, 15 years too long at least.

I finally figured out for myself that marriage vows are not a mutual suicide pact.

Your friend,

JustAGirl1971

I started dating my husband when I was 17. He's 6 years older than me. At the time, we both drank a lot. For me, it was a temporary rebellion against the "good/smart girl" image. For him, it was a way of life. I was too inexperienced to know the difference. 25 years later and he's still drinking (well to be fair, he did quit a couple of weeks ago but he does that every couple of years.)

I don't blame my husband for the problems in my life. The truth is, I made choices that landed me where I am right now. For a long time, I didn't realize that but it's the truth. I chose to be where I am. I chose this life and I can choose to make it better. I can't change my husband, I can't make my 15 year old son forgive me, and I can't "fix" the bad choices I made in the past. What I can do is make better, smarter choices from today forward. Those choices may spur my husband to work on changing himself and they might help mend my relationship with my son... or they may not. What they will do is make me a happier, healthier person, and a better role model for my 13 yr old daughter.

Instead of focusing on your bf and what he needs, I'd suggest you look at what you need and want (& what you'd like your future to look like - not just what you want to accomplish but more what kind of person that you want to be.) When you really have that clear in your head (& maybe on paper - I like to "see" what I'm thinking ), then ask yourself honestly, is my relationship with my bf helping me to accomplish these goals? Does he give me the support that I need to do the things I need to do to make this vision a reality? Does our relationship make me a better, stronger, healthier person?

The thing that I'm finally realizing is that our relationships should be positive experiences - I don't mean positive in making us feel good, I mean positive as in helping us grow as people. If a relationship is stifling our personal growth, then it's not a good, healthy relationship.

Good luck with your decision.

Hawkeye13

Actions speak louder than words. What are his actions telling you if you are really honest with yourself?

Go home and finish school. You will certainly need a degree and a way of making a living either for yourself or if you choose to pursue a relationship with an active alcoholic.

Tell him he needs to get clean and sober and get and hold the same job before you would even consider marrying him. Families do need money to live. I agree with the birth control idea-don't bring a child into a very unstable situation emotionally and financially. I grew up that way and it sucks big time and can do long term damage.

Don't let his family guilt or manipulate you into staying "for his sake". He is their family member so of course they will put his interests (and theirs in terms of caregiving / rescuing) above your own.

Have at least one relationship as an adult with someone closer to your own age who is not an addict. You might be surprised how good that feels.

Keep learning about alcoholism and co-dependency since they really are affecting your viewpoint and choices.

Please keep posting and let us know how it goes.

Be happy and enjoy your life.

God, what I wouldn't give to be 20 again. But alas, gravity has done its evil work . . . ;-)

BlueSkies1

I'm going to approach this without even discussing him...

You only get one life. Time marches on...at 20 we don't feel that. I remember being 20. Yes, the memory still works at 50.

I will warn you.
The clock is ticking.
Whatever you want out of life, you had better go get it.

When I was 20 I didn't even know that the clock existed. Well, sure I did, in that very detached "look at those old people" way.
See, at 20, you can't feel the clock ticking.
Next time you see an old(er) person, look at them and say to yourself, "that's me, in only the wink of an eye". They are your warning. It is coming.

You get one life.
Do with it whatever you want. Conquer whatever you want. Accomplish whatever you want.
But don't think for a minute that time stands still. One day, you wake up, see the wrinkles in the mirror, and say--what the hell happened, I was 20 just yesterday!
I didn't accomplish my goals!
I let life slide on by without realizing that clock was ticking!
Why didn't somebody warn me?
I'm warning you.
When you look in that mirror at 50, you won't forget my words. You were warned. When you look in the mirror at 50, do you want it to be with regret that you let your dreams slip away, or with the happiness of knowing you chased and accomplished your dreams?
The decisions you make today decide your tomorrow.
So do whatever it takes so that you get out of life what you want!

samazing34

Thank you all for your words and support. I was having a very difficult time yesterday after I spoke with him. It's really a crazy thing to know what a bad situation it is, and to legitimately think of staying at the same time. It really shows how messed up you are in the head. I think I'll stick right now to the hope/idea that I'll work on myself, and he can work on himself... and once he's been sober for however long and living positively, maybe then we can look at our future. It hurts right now even saying that, because I know the odds and that it's a lifelong battle. I'm buying my ticket today, and I'm so scared to tell him. No we don't have kids. I became cautious and on birth control, thankfully. I am upset with where my life is at right now and where it's headed. I DO want things in life, and the only way I know I can do that without fail is by myself, with education. The only thing I'm scared of is hurting him, and in turn him hurting my feelings. You'd think I'd be desensitized to his words after all the broken promises and times he'd drunkenly tell me how he "****** the **** out of that girl" or "how much better his ex's ***** was". Anyway, thanks guys. I'm hoping I can stay positive with my decision, especially when I speak to him or visit him. I probably shouldn't do either of those things, but because they might be the last I talk to him or see him ever again, I don't think my heart can say no to them yet.

BlueSkies1

Congrats on buying your ticket!

Yes, invest in yourself! Invest in your future career. Invest in the good parts of life that are not dysfunctional, crazy, or tragic.

Yes, both of you work on yourselves, good outlook to take on it all.

Who knows what the future holds right now? It's ok not to know!
What's important is that you are on a path that leads to someplace...better...with self-accomplishment...with pride...without catastrophes.
Get there.

From there, the next step will become less foggy, clearer. You lift yourself up one decision at a time. Then the unacceptable in life is no longer an option to consider, it's simply so far from where you are...unacceptable is unacceptable, something the successful you will not even consider for the second of a heartbeat.
Edited to add: What he said to you sexually is very unacceptable! You know this.

It's ok not to know at this point the future of the two of you as a couple. There's work to be done first.

steelman1649

I always though the "old" (30-45) people had no idea what they were talking about when I was 20. It is so crazy now to think if I just would've been mature enough to listen, how my life would've changed.

CarryOn

Good for you to buy the ticket & take a major step into your own recovery! We've all had those moments when you realize just how messed up you are...but that is awareness, and awareness is good. Once you are aware, you can take the steps to change yourself, if you have the desire & are willing to do the work.

You are not responsible for his feelings. Just as you are not responsible for the choices that he has made that have landed him in jail and you alone. Feelings are temporary...with time they all subside. Also, the things he said to you are grotesque. It is an example of the respect he shows for women, and in turn, for you. I find it repulsive when someone disrespects their partner by using such language.

That all being said, it will likely be difficult to process the feelings you will have once you leave Georgia & ABF behind...please keep coming back and vent your feelings. There are many here that have been through or are going through similar situations and you are always welcome to express your thoughts & feelings in this safe place.

BlueSkies1

I can't stay away from your thread today, so forgive me for being a little over-zealous.
I was thinking about it while away from my computer.

I was thinking about a 16 year old girl hooking up with a fairly older man. The predatory nature of that relationship. Maybe you don't think so, that's ok, but I do know that at 16, we're still children. That's because we've never been in the "driver's seat" of our own lives before. Our parents were. Now at 16, this older man took control of your life.
So often we say--oh I'd never get in the car if he was driving drunk!
Well look at it this way--an older man who is a drunk got in the driver's seat of a young girl's life. She let him. That's understandable--she's never been in the driver's seat of her life, as she was legally a child until she was 16, and she was vulnerable, as all 16 year olds are.

A drunk has been driving not you here or there, but your life. Time to get in the driver's seat of your own life! You wouldn't let him drive you around in the car drunk, don't let him drunk drive your life around!
That's what your bus ticket is. Although not technically driving the bus--you are driving it, your life, as it was your decision to buy that ticket, not his. I'm sure you are a little nervous of how he is going to take that.

The advice I would give any 20 year old woman is the same. Get in the driver's seat. There will be others that will try to drive your life back in CA--maybe a teacher at college gets a crush on you and wants an inappropriate relationship, maybe your dad wants you to major in x and you want to major in y, maybe your mom wants to know why you won't date that "nice boy from down the street" that she likes or is friends with his mother, maybe your next employer tries to use you unfairly with bad wages or work hours...
the advice to a 20 year old is beware. Many will drive your life around if you don't get in the driver's seat yourself. Entire lives have been spent, used up and are now gone, with somebody else in the driver's seat besides the owner of that life. Don't let it happen to you.

And for the rest of us, some much older than you...as long as we're still breathing it's never too late to get in the driver's seat of our own life...!