Nowhere to go
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 36
Nowhere to go
Quick intro. I have been attending al-anon for a year and husband has been in AA for a total of 10 years (with relapse in the middle).
He's a dry drunk. Works the program but has an unforgiving rage towards the world... but it always focuses on me. And now he left. Where to? Who knows. But he left for the night. For me its not even a matter of if he goes out to relapse or if hes going to a late night meeting.
I don't want this life for me anymore. I know that my discomfort is my problem and if I want to be happy its up to me. But I have no where to go. My parents wont take me in and I know no one else. He isn't originally from the states so his main option would be to go back to his country. I have tried to be married to a RA but the more I grow in my program, the more I see I do not want to be treated like trash (because I'm not).
There is a life for me beyond this marriage and I do have my issues no doubt, it doesn't I have to volunteer for this BS anymore.
I've done tons of step 10s and many a gratitude list but at the end of the day no matter what I put down on paper won't change the names or the cursing.
I can't smile through tears anymore and recite the serenity prayer to myself as he screams.
He took the car. Please pray for me. I just want to sleep and get to work in the morning (God knows how!)
He's a dry drunk. Works the program but has an unforgiving rage towards the world... but it always focuses on me. And now he left. Where to? Who knows. But he left for the night. For me its not even a matter of if he goes out to relapse or if hes going to a late night meeting.
I don't want this life for me anymore. I know that my discomfort is my problem and if I want to be happy its up to me. But I have no where to go. My parents wont take me in and I know no one else. He isn't originally from the states so his main option would be to go back to his country. I have tried to be married to a RA but the more I grow in my program, the more I see I do not want to be treated like trash (because I'm not).
There is a life for me beyond this marriage and I do have my issues no doubt, it doesn't I have to volunteer for this BS anymore.
I've done tons of step 10s and many a gratitude list but at the end of the day no matter what I put down on paper won't change the names or the cursing.
I can't smile through tears anymore and recite the serenity prayer to myself as he screams.
He took the car. Please pray for me. I just want to sleep and get to work in the morning (God knows how!)
if it works don't fix it
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: socal
Posts: 31
well my anger got me in marriage counseling and my wife is happy I agreed to it. I had a few issues that we'rent getting solved in meetings and we're on a better path today. sorry you're having issues
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Aussie
Posts: 50
hello Luri, we are all here because we know we shouldnt, sweetheart, YOU R better, and by the sounds of it you already know. the hardest part is letting go, Im with you right now. You will come to the end, be at your own bottom, and have a wakening, just like A's do. the only difference is, YOU will conquer, YOU will defeat, YOU will become the person you are. YOU already know you deserve better, its just up to YOU to believe in yourself.
The greatest thing I took from my exa, was I want children, I want so much for that now, Im 41, I spent my whole life In solitude, was very comfortable, But now I want to be a DAD, I think I would be a great Dad, ...but maybe I missed my calling, Dont regret anything in you life, dont regret moving away from things you think you love, which is causing you the most pain. Stay true to YOU, the person you WERE, is still there, its only a matter of bringing that confidence back in yourself.
I dont pray, I never had, But I now secretly pray for everyone on this site, to my own HP.
I wish you all the happiest life from bottom till the end.
The greatest thing I took from my exa, was I want children, I want so much for that now, Im 41, I spent my whole life In solitude, was very comfortable, But now I want to be a DAD, I think I would be a great Dad, ...but maybe I missed my calling, Dont regret anything in you life, dont regret moving away from things you think you love, which is causing you the most pain. Stay true to YOU, the person you WERE, is still there, its only a matter of bringing that confidence back in yourself.
I dont pray, I never had, But I now secretly pray for everyone on this site, to my own HP.
I wish you all the happiest life from bottom till the end.
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Originally Posted by Luri 
Quick intro. I have been attending al-anon for a year and husband has been in AA for a total of 10 years (with relapse in the middle).
He's a dry drunk. Works the program but has an unforgiving rage towards the world... but it always focuses on me. And now he left. Where to? Who knows. But he left for the night. For me its not even a matter of if he goes out to relapse or if hes going to a late night meeting.
He's a dry drunk. Works the program but has an unforgiving rage towards the world... but it always focuses on me. And now he left. Where to? Who knows. But he left for the night. For me its not even a matter of if he goes out to relapse or if hes going to a late night meeting.
I have learned all about "Dry Drunk" this last year.
If he is out, each, any, or every where -- he is not dumping on you.
Good.
I don't want this life for me anymore. I know that my discomfort is my problem and if I want to be happy its up to me. But I have no where to go. My parents wont take me in and I know no one else. He isn't originally from the states so his main option would be to go back to his country. I have tried to be married to a RA but the more I grow in my program, the more I see I do not want to be treated like trash (because I'm not).
Means the path ahead is not with Mommy and Daddy, but rather between you and God . . . AND THAT is a Great Path to be on.
There is a life for me beyond this marriage and I do have my issues no doubt, it doesn't I have to volunteer for this BS anymore.
I've done tons of step 10s and many a gratitude list but at the end of the day no matter what I put down on paper won't change the names or the cursing.
I can't smile through tears anymore and recite the serenity prayer to myself as he screams.
You understand you do not need permission to hit the STOP button?
The horrid games and life you are living ends as soon as YOU say so.
So just say so.
What did Dorothy do? Click her heels three times? Click' em, girlfriend.
He took the car. Please pray for me. I just want to sleep and get to work in the morning (God knows how!)
But God delivers better Dominos or UPS.
===============
Dear God,
Please boot our friend Luri (very gently) in the butt.
She seems to be stuck in the launch tube.
Amen.
===============
Go Girl, but Go With God.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: indiana
Posts: 158
where can you go? any kids? where do you live now? Own a house, renting? Depending on your income, you can qualify for low income apartments. If not you could grin and bare it a few more months until you've saved up enough for a deposit and rent? Do you have any co-workers that can help?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 36
Originally Posted by steelman1649
where can you go? any kids? where do you live now? Own a house, renting? Depending on your income, you can qualify for low income apartments. If not you could grin and bare it a few more months until you've saved up enough for a deposit and rent? Do you have any co-workers that can help?
god has taken care of me so far. i can grin and bare it because at the moment i dont have any other choice.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
My dear, I am so sorry you are going through this. No one deserves that verbal abuse. I dont know where you live but don't turn your head away from a shelter w/out checking it out first. Here there is a really really nice one that sets you up and help you find a job, transports you to said job and is truly a great setup. Talk to churches, talk to everyone you can because you deserve to get out! And remember, half of what you guys currently have belongs to YOU.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dear Luri, You are living in an abusive relationship. The reason that I say that is because many people who live with abuse don't realize that it is.
The National Domestic Abuse Hotline is available to anyone with a phone. They can help you and also, point you to where help is. They can also point you to the attorneys that will give you a free consultation--or maybe, more. You are married---so you DO own half of what he does--just as Hopeful4 said. It might be possible to legally get him to leave the home (due to the abuse) and stay away.
My dear, you are married and you have a job and no dependent children.
You DO have options. You don't have to live with this. There are other choices.
I hear that you go to alanon--though, I don't know how often. Alanon does not advocate living in abuse. It does not!
You don't deserve the abuse. Don't just accept it!!!!!!!!!!!!!
dandylion
The National Domestic Abuse Hotline is available to anyone with a phone. They can help you and also, point you to where help is. They can also point you to the attorneys that will give you a free consultation--or maybe, more. You are married---so you DO own half of what he does--just as Hopeful4 said. It might be possible to legally get him to leave the home (due to the abuse) and stay away.
My dear, you are married and you have a job and no dependent children.
You DO have options. You don't have to live with this. There are other choices.
I hear that you go to alanon--though, I don't know how often. Alanon does not advocate living in abuse. It does not!
You don't deserve the abuse. Don't just accept it!!!!!!!!!!!!!
dandylion
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
cant apply for any govt type things (it was a condition when my husband got his green card, neither of us can apply).
Excuse my French.
As long as you're not applying on his behalf you have all the rights of any American citizen.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 36
Originally Posted by Hammer
Does Green Card go bye-bye at the same time?
This could be a self-solving problem . . . .
This could be a self-solving problem . . . .
the revoking on a green card will have long standing effects on his life, and i really dont want to make an amend over such a horribly b*tchy thing.
just because i dont want him in my life doesnt mean i'm going to destroy his.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 478
Is there anyone at a DV program that could help you find temporary housing? You don't have to be physically abused to receive help from the DV system and it's not like applying for government assistance.
At one time I was able to go there for free counseling and they would have helped me find affordable housing should I have chosen to take that road. They also have lots of other resources you can use/call. Maybe a lawyer could help you navigate some of the legalities of splitting given your current situation and the green card status. I believe there are ways of getting through this with your personal morals still intact, but you have to believe it too Luri.
Don't be scared to reach out, you may have more options than you realize.
At one time I was able to go there for free counseling and they would have helped me find affordable housing should I have chosen to take that road. They also have lots of other resources you can use/call. Maybe a lawyer could help you navigate some of the legalities of splitting given your current situation and the green card status. I believe there are ways of getting through this with your personal morals still intact, but you have to believe it too Luri.
Don't be scared to reach out, you may have more options than you realize.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Luri---you don't have to LIVE with him.
It does seem like he has no moral problem with detroying YOUR life.
Still, you don't have to live with him.
You can get a legal separation. If you will please contact the dv hotline--they can get you free legal consultation---and, it will be completely confidential.
dandylion
It does seem like he has no moral problem with detroying YOUR life.
Still, you don't have to live with him.
You can get a legal separation. If you will please contact the dv hotline--they can get you free legal consultation---and, it will be completely confidential.
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
hi
something you wrote about you not wanting to destroy his life stood out at me. you are not all powerful, right? you cant make him act nicely, right? why do you think that you have the power to destroy his life? he is an adult?
we ALL have consequences for our actions/choices. you sound like you might be trying to control his consequences.
please consider just worrying about yourself and let him worry about himself. that is actually a very repectable thing you can do towards him.
something you wrote about you not wanting to destroy his life stood out at me. you are not all powerful, right? you cant make him act nicely, right? why do you think that you have the power to destroy his life? he is an adult?
we ALL have consequences for our actions/choices. you sound like you might be trying to control his consequences.
please consider just worrying about yourself and let him worry about himself. that is actually a very repectable thing you can do towards him.
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Originally Posted by Luri
you know i actually want to be happy, not make others miserable. if i end up divorcing him, i will make sure it doesnt compromise his green card because he wants to be here in the states.
the revoking on a green card will have long standing effects on his life, and i really dont want to make an amend over such a horribly b*tchy thing.
just because i dont want him in my life doesnt mean i'm going to destroy his.
the revoking on a green card will have long standing effects on his life, and i really dont want to make an amend over such a horribly b*tchy thing.
just because i dont want him in my life doesnt mean i'm going to destroy his.
Just getting you out of the mess, so you will stop enabling him.
His Green Card is His Problem. That is why it is called His Green Card.
Treating you bad, and Dry Drunking will likely have some consequences in his life. Not your problem unless you wish to make it so.
Never get between an A and their consequences.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
A person who wants a green card to stick and not be revoked shouldn't bite the hand that feeds them...
I wonder where he gets that very cockey attitude that he can treat you so badly while wanting something only be married to you can provide?
Seems the man has few smarts, as well as no respect...
in the end, if he lost his green card and had to go back to wherever, is it really your fault that you didn't put up with abuse in order for him to get a green card?
Hon...who says that he isn't using you simply to get that green card? Because what he's doing SURE DOESN'T SOUND LIKE LOVE.
I wonder where he gets that very cockey attitude that he can treat you so badly while wanting something only be married to you can provide?
Seems the man has few smarts, as well as no respect...
in the end, if he lost his green card and had to go back to wherever, is it really your fault that you didn't put up with abuse in order for him to get a green card?
Hon...who says that he isn't using you simply to get that green card? Because what he's doing SURE DOESN'T SOUND LIKE LOVE.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: In my library
Posts: 83
Originally Posted by pmv
well my anger got me in marriage counseling and my wife is happy I agreed to it. I had a few issues that we'rent getting solved in meetings and we're on a better path today. sorry you're having issues
After my husband quit drinking, he was angrier than ever. I have gotten much better at detaching, and I didn't take it personally, but I felt really sorry for him because I could see that he was suffering. I knew he needed professional help. And I also didn't want me or my kids to live in this angry environment any longer. So I told him that he had to go to counseling, or we were going to live apart.
He chose to go to counseling, and although he wasn't happy about the idea at first (naturally), he seems to have really bonded with his counselor, and I am seeing a lot of positive change in him already. I know there is a long road and we will still have many bad days, but I feel positive that at least he is on the path to recovery now.
Just something to think about. Also though, please do not ever let yourself be treated like trash. And please remember that when his rage is focused on you, it has nothing to do with you personally, you are simply the nearest and most convenient target. From what I have learned, people with rage usually have some kind of unresolved pain inside, and they do not want to think about it, so they focus their negative feelings on someone else. It's a very poor way of dealing with their pain, which is why they need to get professional help to learn better ways of dealing with their feelings. And in the meantime, their abusive behaviour should NOT be accepted by their loved ones. Please do what you need to to take care of yourself. ((hugs))
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