BunnyNest

One of my loved ones is in prison for the next 10 years and the other is here with me now dying from cirrhosis.

I pray for them both every day and I make sure I tell them both I love them, and I keep my boundaries and take care of me first. I come here every day to help me take care of myself first. It took me a long time to get to this healthier place, but I kept coming back and hit my bottom.

Just keep coming back and keep reading.

Hammer

Yeah, that is some ok raising.

(not that raising caused the other one's addiction, etc.)

Did I track that you mentioned he would be on a death list if on the street?

Maybe he is just doing some parking time, still.

So you have one in the ER, saving people and raising your grandkids, and even your addict in is jail, where he is relatively at home for now, and relatively safe.

Something some of my Alananny Angels tell me . . . .

EVERYTHING IS RIGHT WHERE IT SHOULD BE RIGHT NOW.

Never seems it at the time, but generally it works out that way.

choublak

I think the drug dealers want to kill him for stealing their supply.

Upsetnneedhelp

My son would rob the local drug spots. He was in serious trouble with dealers. Its very sad to say but he may be safer in prison than on the street.

Seren

My sister spent most of her powder cocaine days out in California. I have no idea what she had to do to keep up her habit and keep a roof over her head but I can only begin to imagine--she has never discussed the 'details'.

My stepson stole from nearly everyone to keep buying crack and to keep drinking. His only 'drunk driving' accident was to back into my then brand new car. I will be forever grateful that he did not hurt or kill anyone else--although he threatened to kill 3 member of his own family while on crack. No vehicle needed.

Are the alcoholics or addicts in my family any better or worse than any other? I don't think so. And I have learned that it's a false sense of security for me to try to feel better about myself by saying that at least 'my addict' didn't do this or that. The addicts in my life have done plenty.

I've also learned that everyone who posts here has their own path to take--their own story about what brought them here. We are all fighting a battle, and we do not need to belittle each other on the way--dealing with our day-to-day lives is plenty.

Peace, S

choublak

Yancy

My son was looking at 10 years. Our attorney said he would have to do at least 3 years of that. I know how you feel. I spent 18 months coming to terms with the near certainty my child would be a convicted felon. I spent countless hours looking for people who also wouldn't have had a future. Many come to mind (Tim Allen, Murph the Surf, Tommy Tarrants, Frank Abagnale, among others). I was looking for hope. There is always hope.

lillamy

Hi Upset,

Like Dandylion I mainly want to give you a hug. As a mother, I can imagine how much your heart hurts. I can imagine that you feel like the loneliest person in the universe when not even your daughter wants to hear about your son. When everyone sees only The Criminal in him while you see the little boy you raised.

I think I've told you before that I saw a similar scenario tear my aunt apart when my cousin did repeat trips to prison for drug-related crimes. She also isolated herself, not because she was ashamed of my cousin but because... she was angry. In her grief she got angry. Angry that people didn't understand. Angry that other people's kids managed to get out of the drugs-and-crime scene and hers didn't.

At the bottom of it all, for her, was the question "What did I do wrong for his life to end up like this?"

I don't know if that is there for you, but for her, she could never shake the notion that somewhere, somehow, if she had just done something differently when he was 2 or 4 or 16, he wouldn't be where he ended up.

Addiction is hell.
His choices are not your fault.
And you can't blame them on the courts or society either.
His choices are his. Even if his ability to choose is clouded by addiction.

I don't know what my point is other than that I hope you know that you are not responsible for the choices he has made. It's not because you pottytrained him too early or because you had a strict curfew in jr high or whatever. He's made the choices he has because he's an addict.

And you will always be his mother, and you will always love him, and of course it is that way. And of course most people won't understand.

Wisconsin

My mother struggled with this with respect to my brother, who has had periodic issues with recreational drug use over the years, and just generally being irresponsible and making poor life choices (especially when my mom would "compare" him with "responsible, high-achieving" me. She felt so guilty. She felt that she must have failed him in a way that caused him to be virtually incapable of living a mature, adult life.

I am so glad I found recovery before she died, because I was able to share with her the many lessons of Al Anon, and (hopefully) help her understand, even a little, that my brother's choices always have been and always will be his own.

Seren

Hello everyone,

Several posts have been removed under Rule 4. Mutual respect is essential in a community like SR. If you feel as though someone is getting under your skin, I request that you place that person on your ignore list.

As a reminder:

Upsetnneedhelp

lillamy, thank you, your post helps. I do feel somewhat responsible (for reasons I won't get into) for his situation. My daughter grew up and is fine. The saddest part is that my son just did not look very hopeful when he came home from prison. I've heard many parents talk about their kids feeling great upon release. My son was drunk the first week he came home and talking crazy. His time in segregation really did it to him. Many people do not care about those incarcerated. But the scary part is 90% of inmates return to the free world. My son will, most likely, will return to free society.

Taradice

Upset, I understand how you feel. It is easier said then done to just walk away from your son. My mom is an alcoholic. I am not even close to dealing with what you are dealing with. Sometimes you just need someone to talk too. I post about the hardships I have with my mom and I post about the hardships I have had that have made me almost go back to using again. With my mom, she gets drunk and she verbally and emotionally abuses me. In my eyes, I know she is only doing it because she is drunk and doesnt understand what she is doing. I know she will never change. I still love her. Its hard to turn your back. This doesnt mean I love myself anyless. But I think you saying no to your son having a tv rifgt now is the riggt thing for you to do. Dont let him control you while he is in jail. Dont reward for bad behavior. No one put him there but him. Yes, you can still love and they to do what you can for him but show him that if he continues to not abide by the rules then you are not going to help him. It will be hard to not give him what he wants but show him you are the one that has the control. I wish you the best.
Tara

Upsetnneedhelp

taradice, I am the only one who he really has. The rest of the family wants nothing to do with him. I have watched my son go down hill mental from his time in prison. He did the crime and did the time as the saying goes. Yet, I feel as if my son has suffered a life long sentence. Prison has taken a terrible toll on his psychological well being.There are a lot of myths of what prison is really like. Granted he earned his ticket back there but I am suffering with him.

Lily1918

My husband is in prison and I understand exactly what you mean when you say that we suffer with them.

I isolate from friends because I don't want to tell them my husband is in prison. It carries a certain amount of shame.

I noticed you mention that one of your children came out "all right" well are you sure? D has one other brother and from the outside he seems ok. He has a nice white collar job, a masters degree, etc. but on the inside he still has his own issues. I believe we all have issues and it isn't fair to say one child is ok and the other is not. just my opinion. I often fall into this trap with my two children. One is in the gifted program and excels at everything, and the other is mentally disabled, and I wonder sometimes "wt heck did I do wrong with that one??" but it isn't fair for me to beat myself up.

What can you do for you to minimize your suffering? I cannot control if D uses inside, or gets his sentence extended, but I can go to the ladies crafting group every Tuesday morning and make baby hats for the childrens hospital for Christmas. I can take ballet lessons once a week. I can choose not to haunt the mailbox waiting for the next letter.

D also stole drugs from the dealer and could have been killed. That was a tough pill to swallow. I also get frustrated when people complain about their loved ones being gone for 30 days. I always think "count your blessings. Its only a month for crying out loud" I would LOVE for AH to have been sent to rehab or jail instead of prison. there is a big difference.

anyhow. I'm just trying to be supportive. hugs

Upsetnneedhelp

lily, that is so true. I can see why I related to you. You have a loved one incarcerated. People sentenced to a few day or weeks of jail time and seem to think it's the end of the world. My son is dangerous and I accept that but at the same time I blame the department of corrections for making him worse. There is currently a class action suit regarding the segregation issue and my son sent in the paper work. I think the federal agencies are more concerned about prison and jail conditions than state and local agencies.

Taradice

I truely believe you suffer with him. I suffer with my mom overnight. I feel for you. You are all he has. But I just Dont want you to give into him because you feel bad for him. Get that tv for him if ypy think he deserves it. Not because you feel bad for him. I can tell you are tired of what he does from your words you wrote down. I know you love him dearly and I know that of ypy could be there physically with him you would be. You can't be tho so you are there with him in hwart and mind. I know it probably tears you up inside. You do what a mom who loves her childern does. Its unconditional. I get it. Just make sure you stay in control of the situation with your son. No rewards for bad behavior from you. I know that prison is a ugly place with dirty secrets and scandles. I believe that some inmates are treated very badly and have violence bestowed upon them. You can't control everything but you can control the relationship you have with your son. If you are his only lifeline then he needs to recognize that and respect you and your decisions. Hugs.

Tara

Lily1918

the prisons are nasty here down by the border. filled with cartel.(Mafia) Maybe they were trying to protect your son from even more dangerous men?

choublak

Or rival gang members, maybe.

Upsetnneedhelp

Choublak, my son is a high ranking member and I don't pretend otherwise. In a twisted way I am proud that my son made the best of his situation. In reality I have little to fear because I know my son will get his television. Thats the thing I struggle with here. When are the consequences enough to get the person sober and clean. I accept my son is a convicted criminal and know I am farther in my Familes Anonymous program then many. Dui's and drug cases should be a wake up and looking back, I missed.

BoxinRotz

When getting clean and sober looks like the only real option.

I could not stop my husband from doing what he did. I could not cushion the blows to his head while skidding down pavement with a tank top n jeans on. I could not stop his brain from bleeding. I could not close his head wounds. I could not save his beloved bike. I could not stop the surgeon from drilling a 1" hole in his thick skull. All of these are HIS consequences. Just like I can not stop the medical bills from still coming in and I can not count his hours at work that he wants to dispute. All of it is his mess. I did what I needed to do to get him through when I brought him home and then I took care of ME!

The only thing I could do was tell him what could happen and it did happen. Getting clean and sober has to trump everything and look so damn good they'll do anything for it even though it'll be the biggest fight of their life.

I pray Jimmy Jackwagon had the ride of his life into sobriety. And even though your son is going to sit in prison for an undetermined amount of time because of his actions, he has an opportunity to get clean and sober and pull a young man with the possibility of release under his wing and show him by example how not to live.