Upsetnneedhelp

I had recently posted about purchasing a tv for my son who is incarcerate but I have decided I won't. It seems he was caught drinking the illegal alcohol that inmates produce. He is looking at another long sentence and I am tired. I am slowly accepting that my son cannot function in the free world. He is locked up now for parole violation but the new charges are an ongoing process. Thank god, the attempted murder charges of a police officer have been reduced to fleeing and eluding. His public defender is a good man who I talked to. I attend Families Anonymous meeting on occasion but am really not relating to people. My son is facing yet another long prison term. A possibilty of up to 15 years.

choublak

Why aren't you relating to people?

NWGRITS

I'm so sorry that he's continuing to use in prison. Coming to grips and accepting that our family member is out of control, and there's nothing we can do about it, is so difficult. You will get stronger in time, but for right now just deal with what you are feeling in the moment. (((Hugs)))

Mountainmanbob

your son would really appreciate having A TV while incarcerated

getting caught in there for a little homemade alcohol

is not that big of a deal

MM

Sorensen

Very confusing and contradicting post, inmates make home made booze all the time, I can't see how you would get an extended sentence more like loss of privileges.

Upsetnneedhelp

I'm not relating to people because my son doesn't have a future. He is incarcerated. Most folks here cannot relate to that. Consequences are suppose to change people. I know society is safer when my son is locked up. I cannot even put a number on the felonies he has but it is many. Often times he would rob the drug spots to get his fix. Needless to say this was very dangerous. The detective that came to my house (after he was arrested) told me he was wanted on the streets and that they were going to kill him.

Upsetnneedhelp

I had to chuckle at that and I thank you. You must be a former convict or something.

Sorensen

You seem to just be telling us on how terrible your son is and how is needs to be locked up in prison. Do you have any questions about how you can help him, or move on from his situation?

LoveMeNow

upset - I hope someday soon - many of us - stop obsessing over our loved ones and start taking longer looks in the mirror. Our addicted loved ones become a great distraction from changing ourselves, don't you think??

Upsetnneedhelp

My son is my life. I am obsessed with my sons case. Is that wrong? My sons situation is different than many of you. It could be a life sentece (another 15years.) I prey every day for a good outcome. I work in the retail world and am a pretty successful manger. Where is your life, lovemenow? I am sick to my stomach with worry.

Lily1918

our lives become much happier when we accept the things we cannot change, find courage to change the things we can, and find the wisdom to know the difference

Upsetnneedhelp

That is true. Yet often times we do not need the hard truth that many here seem to give. My son has a potential life sentence! Yet many here talk about loved ones getting dui's or jail time?

Hopeworks

Upsetneedhelp,

Is all of your worry going to change one single tiny thing in the outcome of this situation? I used to worry obsessively over my A loved one (several in fact) to the point of illness. Sleepless nights, rapid heartbeat, upset stomach, racing thoughts... it was an addiction! It affects our body and brain the same as an addiction... we are addicted to a person and their situation.

Your son's life choices were his... and the hand of cards he was dealt was not nearly as bad as millions and millions and millions of others across the planet that are much worse off. Life is not fair... no one ever promised it would be. Each of us has to deal with what we were dealt. I was abused by an A father and the horrors I had to deal with are too horrific to even share here.

But I had a choice... look for a way out or become bitter and quit on life. My brother went the same road your son did. He is going to trial next month and he was looking at a long prison term and losing his drivers license for life but because of a fluke he got dropped to a misdemeanor and his max sentence is only a year.

Is that fair? He drinks and drives all the time and if he beats the rap and gets a walk and kills a family of 5 next year drunk driving was that fair to the family that might die?

We are not God. We, those who love A's cannot turn the universe. We cannot force people to change. There are things we can change... ourselves. We can choose how we spend our gifts and resources to effect the change we want to see in the world.

If your passion is injustice then get involved in something working to change the system in a way that might get some results. Anger at injustice only hurts ourselves... I know because I spent years being angry.

Channel your emotions. Maybe you want to volunteer at Boys and Girls Club, a Womens Shelter or the Humane Society. Make a difference in another youngsters life that still has a chance to make the right choices.

Find a counselor that can help you work through these deep feelings of angst, worry, guilt or whatever you are feeling that is tearing you up.

Find an alanon meeting. Keep contact with your son but get a new pair of glasses so you see and feel things more realistically instead of emotionally.

It gets better. ... really. And my abusive dad died of acute alcoholism. My brother is looking at jail and the next time... who knows. He is a tick away from disaster at any moment in his alcoholism and bad choices. My love of my life? My XA... we broke up years ago and I love him awful but he is bad news... toxic... chronic binging alcoholic.

Had to give him up. Addicted to him but I GOT OVER IT! And I am happy. Really happy. And you can be too if you want to find your way out. Its recovery. Find it.

Seren

There are alcoholics in my family who barely function in society. I don't know that I would call it having a future on the outside, either, as long as active alcoholism or addiction are involved. Jobs lost, homelessness, families ruptured over disagreements about what is the best way to handle 'the addict' family member.

I'm so sorry that you had to hear this--it must have been extraordinarily painful. It's amazing, isn't it, how we can be grateful when the people we love are in prison because at least they might be a little bit safer there than running and gunning on the streets.

jacrazz

My 21 year old son (only child) is my life as well. It breaks my heart that he CHOSE to start using drugs and is now in rehab, for a THIRD time! I feel your pain. No it is not wrong.....what is wrong is the denial and blame that HIS actions (his alone) are why he is where he is today. Would I buy my son a TV? ABSOLUTELY! We are a lot alike, except I embrace what people here on SR say. The voices of experience speak volumes, to me anyway. We all come here for support and understanding and yes, the truth hurts, does it not?

Philippians 4:13 - "I can do all things through Christ which strengthens me."

dandylion

Upsetnneedhelp--You are a mother....I am a mother.....I understand your pain. I know that you are grieving, right now---you MUST be. Honey, grief takes it's own time!

My heart aches for you when I read your posts.

All I want to do is send you a hug. As you know, there are m any who do not understand.
But, there are many who do.

Your contract is with God or (the universe).

Love.

dandylion

Mountainmanbob

no never been to prison - thank God
but
I have been to jail a few times
mostly due to my drinking and or using in the past

several times I have sent monies for ones who were in prison
so they could buy fans, extra foods, TV's etc etc etc

I would even donate some monies towards a TV for your son
if that would help

as we think about
the very few pleasures they have in prison

Mountainman

ladyscribbler

Thanks for posting again. You sound like a very strong, successful woman and a loving mother. Sometimes even the strongest and most caring people can be weighed down by a burden such as your son's addiction and the uncertainty of his future. It sounds like he (despite the consequences he has been experiencing) is not ready to reach for help and make a change in himself. Have you tried to hand this burden over to a higher power? You don't have to carry it alone. I'm rooting for you. Take care of yourself and keep posting.

Upsetnneedhelp

Thank you ladyscribbler. I also have a daughter who is an ER nurse and happily married with 2 kids. She gets angry if I even bring up my sons name. She is finished with him. She seems surprised that he is still alive with the alcohol and crack/heroin combinations he uses. I like to think that at least one of my kids made it in society.

LoveMeNow

Now that I have learned and accepted I can not change or control others, my life is getting much, much better and healthier. Thank you so much asking.

With that said......I am so happy to live by the following:

"If I can't change my circumstance then I must change my attitude."

"Accept what is, let go of what was and have faith in what will be."

"Worrying is like praying for what you don't want."

I have spent WAY too much time worrying these past few years. And I am convinced it never improved or changed an outcome.