One Week After Relapse - update (long)
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
One Week After Relapse - update (long)
Nothing big & dramatic, but it helps me to clear my head by posting and to have it written down for later when I look back through my posts... it's sort of my online journaling.
It's been an interesting week. This is the first time I can remember that I am handling one of these situations from a place of active detachment (not detachment as a survival instinct) and it feels a bit like breaking in new shoes for the first time. It's not that they don't fit, but they aren't comfortable yet.
Interestingly, I somehow strained all the ligaments in my left ankle around the same time as RAH's DUI & it progressively got worse until, by Friday, I couldn't bear a single ounce of weight on that foot.
It was baffling - no big event that I could identify as the "how" but there was no denying the swelling, etc. Had to laugh at myself using DD's crutches from a knee injury last year while my mommy drove me around to the Dr. I ended up on meds & off my feet completely for the entire weekend, so DD & RAH had to step up a lot to help out. They got a very good idea of all the things they didn't know that I do, how many steps I take in a day & how things get back to the places where they belong. (lo & behold, it ISN'T some house fairy, it's been MOM this whole time!) It's still sore but getting better. It was difficult to be trapped on my couch, sucking down steroids & anti-inflammatories with my mind whirling away; I nearly went spastic by Sunday afternoon.
RAH has a rough road ahead of him - I'm not sure I'll ever truly understand relapse but I'm extremely grateful for all that I have learned about it from reading shared experiences here at SR. It made it easier to understand how hair-trigger something like this is.
I'd been concerned about relapse - not sure concerned it the right word. It wasn't an obsessive thought, but I wondered at how long RAH could sustain sobriety because despite his dedication to it, he wasn't actually working the program from what I could tell. Since I didn't take his inventory I don't *know* this for sure, and I've read enough stories here to know that there is no "one size fits all" method to recovery... but I do know that his sponsor was non-traditional and wasn't forcing him to do any stepwork, and that RAH had fallen into the habit of only attending meetings when he felt like he was in an emotional crisis.... no longer approaching it proactively from a maintenance POV. IMO I think he fell into a comfortable group of people that he identified with and was treating his meetings like a "safe" social place to let off steam & connect with others.
But I don't think he was doing any work, he still wasn't handling stress any better than before (only able to go longer in between break points - but that doesn't stop pressure from building up & eventually needing to blow off), still seemed to be hitting the same obstacles and setting himself up for the same failures/disappointments and feeling kicked around because in his mind, he really thought he WAS working hard simply by staying sober. At one point when we were talking about his relapse this week I nicely pointed out that for all the meetings he had attended, I seem to know way more about alcoholism and AA than he does.
He seems to have finally dropped his ego all the way to the floor, which I always thought was his biggest obstacle in recovery because I think it even changes how you hear/accept/identify with things. He still had this attitude of being able to handle things himself, being able to self-fix everything, refusing help, etc in a way that showed me his ego was still a big part of the equation for him. I don't doubt that everything I know about addiction has been presented at one meeting or another but he hadn't humbled himself enough to identify with it personally.
One thing is for sure - all the little things that were stressing him so badly last Monday before his relapse are now way, way worse after. 100 issues became 1000 overnight - now he has issues with his license, way bigger financial problems than he/we already had, may potentially lose his job, has to be accountable to the court's release program/check-ins, etc, etc. I don't even know all the things on his list of things to correct - it's overwhelming.
He has been better about communicating with me about the state of things I need to be aware of (like paying bills, etc.) and he has approached a different AA member about sponsoring him in a more traditional way. He has been holding him accountable to daily check-ins, starting the steps & meetings more than once/wk. He's on a short leash without any license & it is forcing him to face his issues instead of constantly running, running, running like he tends to do. So he's been home more, pitching in more, spending better quality time with DD. I waver between being detached from his problems & cruising along doing my thing to being really overwhelmed at the scope of how I/we may be impacted by this once it all shakes down.
Today is a good day. DD is thriving despite the chaos - she just found out she got the lead in the school play this year & is so proud of herself. (she's worked so hard for it, crazy proud of my little performer) Tonight is my reiki healing circle night, hopefully I will be able to start yoga again in a day or 2... so I am thankful for these small things that make such a big difference.
It's been an interesting week. This is the first time I can remember that I am handling one of these situations from a place of active detachment (not detachment as a survival instinct) and it feels a bit like breaking in new shoes for the first time. It's not that they don't fit, but they aren't comfortable yet.
Interestingly, I somehow strained all the ligaments in my left ankle around the same time as RAH's DUI & it progressively got worse until, by Friday, I couldn't bear a single ounce of weight on that foot.
It was baffling - no big event that I could identify as the "how" but there was no denying the swelling, etc. Had to laugh at myself using DD's crutches from a knee injury last year while my mommy drove me around to the Dr. I ended up on meds & off my feet completely for the entire weekend, so DD & RAH had to step up a lot to help out. They got a very good idea of all the things they didn't know that I do, how many steps I take in a day & how things get back to the places where they belong. (lo & behold, it ISN'T some house fairy, it's been MOM this whole time!) It's still sore but getting better. It was difficult to be trapped on my couch, sucking down steroids & anti-inflammatories with my mind whirling away; I nearly went spastic by Sunday afternoon.
RAH has a rough road ahead of him - I'm not sure I'll ever truly understand relapse but I'm extremely grateful for all that I have learned about it from reading shared experiences here at SR. It made it easier to understand how hair-trigger something like this is.
I'd been concerned about relapse - not sure concerned it the right word. It wasn't an obsessive thought, but I wondered at how long RAH could sustain sobriety because despite his dedication to it, he wasn't actually working the program from what I could tell. Since I didn't take his inventory I don't *know* this for sure, and I've read enough stories here to know that there is no "one size fits all" method to recovery... but I do know that his sponsor was non-traditional and wasn't forcing him to do any stepwork, and that RAH had fallen into the habit of only attending meetings when he felt like he was in an emotional crisis.... no longer approaching it proactively from a maintenance POV. IMO I think he fell into a comfortable group of people that he identified with and was treating his meetings like a "safe" social place to let off steam & connect with others.
But I don't think he was doing any work, he still wasn't handling stress any better than before (only able to go longer in between break points - but that doesn't stop pressure from building up & eventually needing to blow off), still seemed to be hitting the same obstacles and setting himself up for the same failures/disappointments and feeling kicked around because in his mind, he really thought he WAS working hard simply by staying sober. At one point when we were talking about his relapse this week I nicely pointed out that for all the meetings he had attended, I seem to know way more about alcoholism and AA than he does.
He seems to have finally dropped his ego all the way to the floor, which I always thought was his biggest obstacle in recovery because I think it even changes how you hear/accept/identify with things. He still had this attitude of being able to handle things himself, being able to self-fix everything, refusing help, etc in a way that showed me his ego was still a big part of the equation for him. I don't doubt that everything I know about addiction has been presented at one meeting or another but he hadn't humbled himself enough to identify with it personally.
One thing is for sure - all the little things that were stressing him so badly last Monday before his relapse are now way, way worse after. 100 issues became 1000 overnight - now he has issues with his license, way bigger financial problems than he/we already had, may potentially lose his job, has to be accountable to the court's release program/check-ins, etc, etc. I don't even know all the things on his list of things to correct - it's overwhelming.
He has been better about communicating with me about the state of things I need to be aware of (like paying bills, etc.) and he has approached a different AA member about sponsoring him in a more traditional way. He has been holding him accountable to daily check-ins, starting the steps & meetings more than once/wk. He's on a short leash without any license & it is forcing him to face his issues instead of constantly running, running, running like he tends to do. So he's been home more, pitching in more, spending better quality time with DD. I waver between being detached from his problems & cruising along doing my thing to being really overwhelmed at the scope of how I/we may be impacted by this once it all shakes down.
Today is a good day. DD is thriving despite the chaos - she just found out she got the lead in the school play this year & is so proud of herself. (she's worked so hard for it, crazy proud of my little performer) Tonight is my reiki healing circle night, hopefully I will be able to start yoga again in a day or 2... so I am thankful for these small things that make such a big difference.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 453
Thanks for the update, FireSprite...I've been thinking of you and your family often and wondering how you are. It sounds like you are handling the relapse well overall...I hope your RAH recommits to his recovery and it sounds like he is on the path there.
Congrats to your DD on the play...such a wonderful thing for her to be able to focus on and take the attention off RAH. I hope your ankle continues to heal & you are back at yoga very soon. Please keep us posted. My continued thoughts & prayers are with you.
Congrats to your DD on the play...such a wonderful thing for her to be able to focus on and take the attention off RAH. I hope your ankle continues to heal & you are back at yoga very soon. Please keep us posted. My continued thoughts & prayers are with you.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 1,778
Firesprite, I'm glad you're healing quickly and that your husband is getting himself back on track. I don't think our family members have any idea how much mom does until she's out of commission, eh?! I am also looking forward to getting myself back on track with yoga, meditation and just general self-care.
Thanks for the update! It's good to know you're doing well. xo
Thanks for the update! It's good to know you're doing well. xo
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,349
UGH! Torn ligaments stink! I was on crutches because of that way back when I was a dancer and I wrapped that thing so tight so I could perform after a week of resting it. Yeah, that didn't help, LOL! Hope it heals quickly for you and be careful with yoga, maybe wear an ankle brace in case you do any standing balance poses. I used to teach yoga and I've seen my students use all kinds of methods to come to class and modify their practice despite injuries, etc. I love the commitment I saw from yoga followers!
One day at a time, as you already know when it comes to your AH. It sounds like you've turned him over to his HP and you are still focused on you and your own recovery. Hope it all works out for your AH the way his HP intends for him.
One day at a time, as you already know when it comes to your AH. It sounds like you've turned him over to his HP and you are still focused on you and your own recovery. Hope it all works out for your AH the way his HP intends for him.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Firesprite....so glad today is a good day. I am sorry you got hurt. I did the same thing a couple of years ago, very frustrating!
I know just what you mean. I think my AH does the same thing, uses Celebrate Recovery as a group of people but does not work the steps. O well, that is up to him I guess. I have enough issues to deal with without worrying about that one as well.
I know what you mean about the detatchment also. I am usually pretty good at that and not letting it all get to me. This week I did. It is the fear of the unknown is very very hard to live with. Since the beginning I have always said that living one day at a time in the moment is the hardest thing about it. I am giving it my all, that is for sure.
I wish you a speedy recovery. Congrats to your DD for the position in the play, what a great memory that will be for you!
Huge Hugs!
I know just what you mean. I think my AH does the same thing, uses Celebrate Recovery as a group of people but does not work the steps. O well, that is up to him I guess. I have enough issues to deal with without worrying about that one as well.
I know what you mean about the detatchment also. I am usually pretty good at that and not letting it all get to me. This week I did. It is the fear of the unknown is very very hard to live with. Since the beginning I have always said that living one day at a time in the moment is the hardest thing about it. I am giving it my all, that is for sure.
I wish you a speedy recovery. Congrats to your DD for the position in the play, what a great memory that will be for you!
Huge Hugs!
God's Kid
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 1,820
Sorry to hear about your accident. I believe when god or a hp wants us to stop and rest we're sometimes given bad health or an accident. I have been plagued by chronic health problems recently and 2 years ago addressed the fact I had an eating disorder. In away my most recent health problems have been a gift so I have learnt and am learning to live through them without stuffing my face. And I can assure you there's been times in my life when stuffing my face over my health problems was a live and well.
I have to admit some of your post made me laugh, especially the part about telling your husband/partner you knew more about alcoholism and aa than him. I probably laugh because I remember the days when I was doing the same. I was in a relationship with a sober member of aa and noticed that when he attended meetings and/or spoke to his sponsor he was in a better mood so I spent a lot of time being the recovery police and trying to manipulate him into ringing his sponsor and attending meetings. I also went through a phase of telling him which meetings where 'good' and which were 'bad'. So basically approving or disapproving of his meeting choice.
In hindsight I can't believe I wasted so much of my life trying to control his so I could feel better as back then my mood was dependent on him and his mood and how comfortable I was. If he was happy and well, I was happy and well.
Has taken me a long time to change this behaviour which I now identify as co dependency and I still have lapses into sometimes.
It's a good day for me when I feel free enough to feel how and I feel and make choices because I want to make them instead of being in that warped behavior and feel the need to fix stuff I deem as 'wrong' in another person or myself.
I have to admit some of your post made me laugh, especially the part about telling your husband/partner you knew more about alcoholism and aa than him. I probably laugh because I remember the days when I was doing the same. I was in a relationship with a sober member of aa and noticed that when he attended meetings and/or spoke to his sponsor he was in a better mood so I spent a lot of time being the recovery police and trying to manipulate him into ringing his sponsor and attending meetings. I also went through a phase of telling him which meetings where 'good' and which were 'bad'. So basically approving or disapproving of his meeting choice.
In hindsight I can't believe I wasted so much of my life trying to control his so I could feel better as back then my mood was dependent on him and his mood and how comfortable I was. If he was happy and well, I was happy and well.
Has taken me a long time to change this behaviour which I now identify as co dependency and I still have lapses into sometimes.
It's a good day for me when I feel free enough to feel how and I feel and make choices because I want to make them instead of being in that warped behavior and feel the need to fix stuff I deem as 'wrong' in another person or myself.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Thanks everyone!
Lizatola - I am trying to baby this injury and not overdo it since I don't even know how I hurt it in the first place. I'm trying to go slowly & handle it gently.... but I MISS my yoga!!
Lizw - I understand what you are saying about our HP sometimes forcing us to stop & rest. I really feel like this was a big factor in all of this. Ironically, when I did a bit of research on the emotional link/base for an injury like this I found that it is most commonly related to being undervalued & treated with inflexibility by a 3rd party/external forces (the right ankle would have signified the same reason but being driven from an internal force instead). The timing of it happening at almost the exact same time as his DUI really made me go hmmmmm........
Lizatola - I am trying to baby this injury and not overdo it since I don't even know how I hurt it in the first place. I'm trying to go slowly & handle it gently.... but I MISS my yoga!!
Lizw - I understand what you are saying about our HP sometimes forcing us to stop & rest. I really feel like this was a big factor in all of this. Ironically, when I did a bit of research on the emotional link/base for an injury like this I found that it is most commonly related to being undervalued & treated with inflexibility by a 3rd party/external forces (the right ankle would have signified the same reason but being driven from an internal force instead). The timing of it happening at almost the exact same time as his DUI really made me go hmmmmm........
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
