Fear of Custody Battle Makes me Stay w/AH
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 21
Fear of Custody Battle Makes me Stay w/AH
I've thought about leaving my AH, and still might. But, the fear of the custody battle makes me stay. When he's drunk and ignoring our still-crawling daughter, I'm there to make sure she doesn't hurt herself climbing on the fireplace or whatever. He's usually passed out and doesn't wake to her cries. I fear visitation, so I stay in this emotionally distant, neglectful marriage with an alcoholic so that I can be there to take care of my baby. Can anyone relate? Did anyone in my position leave and the visitation turned out ok?
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
No visitation did not turn out ok. Leaving simply meant that he used the legal system to continue to abuse me. Sure when it is just my kids and I things are much more peaceful and that is good for them no doubt. But they are with him alone more often than ever before, he is drinking and driving with them in the car and DCYF, the police and the judge in our divorce don't care and won't until someone dies or he is caught red handed.
I stayed for a long long time for the same reasons as you and anyone who says "trust the system" and the truth will come out isn't aware of the lengths some A's will go to to use your children as the last way to hurt you.
I am not saying it is good for your child for you to stay-- it's toxic raising kids with an A. But leaving isn't all its cracked up to be either.
He will continue to be an A and depending on the custody laws in your state, be prepared to fight to protect your child.
My state and one other have an automatic 50/50 split (and being an alcoholic with a history of abuse and rehab doesn't change that).
I do know though that many other states are sane and not like this and your H's alcoholism will matter to the court. Mine happens to be one where it doesn't matter.
And my kids are in more danger now than they were when I was with him.
I stayed for a long long time for the same reasons as you and anyone who says "trust the system" and the truth will come out isn't aware of the lengths some A's will go to to use your children as the last way to hurt you.
I am not saying it is good for your child for you to stay-- it's toxic raising kids with an A. But leaving isn't all its cracked up to be either.
He will continue to be an A and depending on the custody laws in your state, be prepared to fight to protect your child.
My state and one other have an automatic 50/50 split (and being an alcoholic with a history of abuse and rehab doesn't change that).
I do know though that many other states are sane and not like this and your H's alcoholism will matter to the court. Mine happens to be one where it doesn't matter.
And my kids are in more danger now than they were when I was with him.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: South Central USA
Posts: 1,478
It doesn't hurt to seek legal advice from a few lawyers so you know what you're up against to help you make an informed decision. If your spouse being an alcoholic with history you've witnessed of child neglect doesn't legally matter, perhaps contact your state representative and work with him/her about changing that law. Just a thought.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Hello Misskitty. I too am in this situation although my children are older. My thought process is that at least while I am there I can protect them and have some control over what happens.
I visited an attorney yesterday and it did make me feel a bit better about custody. He said we could put into the order that my AH be sober 24 hours in advance of picking up kids and during his time. Since my daughters are older my oldest could call me if things were not going well.
My AH has never abused us or anything of that sort. He said if he does we can get an exparte to get him out of the house and that we will go for supervised visitation. I hope it would never ever come to that as he has never been violent in the past and I don't want that for him or our children, but the visit definitely made me feel more in control of things.
I am not there yet, and I may never get there. However, now I know I have options and I am more in control than I thought. Even if you don't want to file anything now, I advise you to visit an attorney and find out what options you have for your own peace of mind.
Good Luck and God Bless to you and your little one! Keep posting, you are not alone!
I visited an attorney yesterday and it did make me feel a bit better about custody. He said we could put into the order that my AH be sober 24 hours in advance of picking up kids and during his time. Since my daughters are older my oldest could call me if things were not going well.
My AH has never abused us or anything of that sort. He said if he does we can get an exparte to get him out of the house and that we will go for supervised visitation. I hope it would never ever come to that as he has never been violent in the past and I don't want that for him or our children, but the visit definitely made me feel more in control of things.
I am not there yet, and I may never get there. However, now I know I have options and I am more in control than I thought. Even if you don't want to file anything now, I advise you to visit an attorney and find out what options you have for your own peace of mind.
Good Luck and God Bless to you and your little one! Keep posting, you are not alone!
Stoic
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Wash D.C.
Posts: 321
wanttobehealthy really nailed it. There seems to be a big disconnect in the law between the potential, and the actual, when it comes to an A taking care of the kids. The law can't really do anything unless something happened where the children were in danger...and it's very difficult to actually prove someone was inebriated while they were the caretaker of the children. What A would take a breathalyzer without being forced to? None.
In my case, it worked out great (in the long run). My AW was charged with neglect while she was their caretaker and inebriated...and the children weren't hurt, so it doesn't get much better than that. Documented with actual child neglect, getting a DUI only two days after an emergency protective order against her granting me sole custody, and continuing to abuse alcohol even after doing court ordered rehab...the court granted me permanent custody and extended the protective order to the children's 18th birthdays.
If that confluence of events turned out differently, however, I would probably still be in the situation you're in now...just waiting for...what? Who knows. The A to get better? The A to hurt one of us due to their addiction? That's the reason we're all here, the uncertainty that alcohol addiction brings to our families.
Good luck, and keep doing your best to protect your child.
In my case, it worked out great (in the long run). My AW was charged with neglect while she was their caretaker and inebriated...and the children weren't hurt, so it doesn't get much better than that. Documented with actual child neglect, getting a DUI only two days after an emergency protective order against her granting me sole custody, and continuing to abuse alcohol even after doing court ordered rehab...the court granted me permanent custody and extended the protective order to the children's 18th birthdays.
If that confluence of events turned out differently, however, I would probably still be in the situation you're in now...just waiting for...what? Who knows. The A to get better? The A to hurt one of us due to their addiction? That's the reason we're all here, the uncertainty that alcohol addiction brings to our families.
Good luck, and keep doing your best to protect your child.
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
My xAH had a flask under D5's car seat 3 weeks ago. Police and child protective services said no crime was committed & unless they catch him drunk while driving there's nothing they can do.
Clearly it's endangering my kids to drive w their dad but he's court ordered to be allowed to pick them up daily & I'll be in contempt if I interfere.
In many ways I wish I had never left. At least my kids were safe and I was with them daily.
Clearly it's endangering my kids to drive w their dad but he's court ordered to be allowed to pick them up daily & I'll be in contempt if I interfere.
In many ways I wish I had never left. At least my kids were safe and I was with them daily.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
wanttobehealthy...Wow...that is awful. I am so so sorry. I thank you for your input as this has been why I have stayed all of the years I have. My girls are getting older but my little one is still only just 8 and cannot tell when dad has been drinking like I can or like my older daughter can.
It also helps for me that my AH is on probation and court ordered not to drink anyways and doing so would be a violation of his probation. The judge was very scary and made it very clear he better not see AH in his court again or he would go to jail. Now, does that keep the idiot from drinking? Nope. It does keep him drinking at home though. Great for the rest of us eh?!
My heart is with you.
It also helps for me that my AH is on probation and court ordered not to drink anyways and doing so would be a violation of his probation. The judge was very scary and made it very clear he better not see AH in his court again or he would go to jail. Now, does that keep the idiot from drinking? Nope. It does keep him drinking at home though. Great for the rest of us eh?!
My heart is with you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 21
I really don't think he wants the responsibility of parenthood (his drinking escalated after I became pregnant). When I moved out to show him I was serious about "get help or it's over", he made no effort to visit his daughter. At my insistence, he visited her 1x/week for 2 hours each visit. It would be so much easier if he would sign away his rights and just disappear from our lives but short of that, maybe he would agree to visitation on my terms. I just feel like if there's even a chance that he'll be granted JOINT custody with weekend or summer possession, then I don't want a divorce at all.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
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Misskitty, I know you want to protect your child, but living the first 18 or so years of her life w/an alcoholic father is not going to leave her w/o scars either...please bear this in mind when you think about staying b/c of concerns about custody.
I've seen it said elsewhere on this forum that a child needs to have ONE sane, healthy parent, and that will not likely be the case if you stay in this situation.
I would never pretend to know what the right answer is here, but please do bear in mind that simply b/c you are physically present in this marriage, it may not necessarily be doing as much as you'd like it to in terms of keeping your child safe on an emotional and psychological level.
I've seen it said elsewhere on this forum that a child needs to have ONE sane, healthy parent, and that will not likely be the case if you stay in this situation.
I would never pretend to know what the right answer is here, but please do bear in mind that simply b/c you are physically present in this marriage, it may not necessarily be doing as much as you'd like it to in terms of keeping your child safe on an emotional and psychological level.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 756
My experience has been much different than WTBH, I've been out for over 2 years now, at one point the kids didn't see their father for a year. I stopped visitation(no order, so he couldn't do anything about it) because he was spiraling downward. Visitation just started again, and honestly, the only reason I've been allowing them to go is because he lives in the basement of his parents' house, and I know at least xMIL is sober.
Plus, they only go once a month, for less than 48 hours.
I've found that he only wants to parent when it's convenient to him. And really misskitty, that's what it sounds like in your case. I doubt, from the sounds of it, that he'd even fight.
My biggest regret is that I let the same fear keep me in the marriage for as long as it did. My 17yo son is, well, a mess. 11yo, I let x sway me in to believing there was nothing wrong with him, even though I knew there was something up for years. Yep I was right, he was diagnosed with Asperger's over the summer. 5yo, well, he's a 5yo boy.
Plus, they only go once a month, for less than 48 hours.
I've found that he only wants to parent when it's convenient to him. And really misskitty, that's what it sounds like in your case. I doubt, from the sounds of it, that he'd even fight.
My biggest regret is that I let the same fear keep me in the marriage for as long as it did. My 17yo son is, well, a mess. 11yo, I let x sway me in to believing there was nothing wrong with him, even though I knew there was something up for years. Yep I was right, he was diagnosed with Asperger's over the summer. 5yo, well, he's a 5yo boy.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 66
Just more support. I repeat to myself that my daughter spending at least 50% of her time in a non-alcoholic environment with one parent is better than 100% time in an alcoholic home. And I want to show my daughter by example that she will always have choices in life. Also, when I imagine what advice I'd give an adult child in my situation, it certainly would not be to stay.
Court systems are awful. My only adder is that you may want to start the process now. My daughter is 3 1/2, and while I served divorce papers in July, it doesn't look like anything will be finalized for many more months (temporary orders have us living in same house). So by time there is true visitation separately, your child may at least be old enough to talk/communicate and show feedback. I feel my daughter at 3 1/2yrs, I am running up against the 'she will soon be old enough to remember' age. So at least keep it in mind as you consider your options.
Court systems are awful. My only adder is that you may want to start the process now. My daughter is 3 1/2, and while I served divorce papers in July, it doesn't look like anything will be finalized for many more months (temporary orders have us living in same house). So by time there is true visitation separately, your child may at least be old enough to talk/communicate and show feedback. I feel my daughter at 3 1/2yrs, I am running up against the 'she will soon be old enough to remember' age. So at least keep it in mind as you consider your options.
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