Screw this.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 22
He doesn't want my to leave him. He says he's willing to do anything to keep me.
Except go to detox, rehab, a doctor, or a counselor.
He is willing to go to AA but not right now.
He is willing to quit drinking but thinks it's ok to drink socially once he's over this "hump". He blames me for his drinking last night. He doesn't think his behavior toward me is abusive.
No no no, this will not do. I love him desperately. We were supposed to finally find happiness with each other. My life has been in shambles from the day it began. It was supposed to be better now. We are going to have nothing again - no vehicle, no new house, no beautiful things. Back to struggling and the odd trip to the food bank.
But no amount of money can buy a peaceful harmonious home, can it?
Sometimes I wish I could go to sleep and never wake up again. But I look out the window, see the hoar frost on the trees and a half foot of snow and know I have to find a way to carry on. Somehow I'll make it.
Except go to detox, rehab, a doctor, or a counselor.
He is willing to go to AA but not right now.
He is willing to quit drinking but thinks it's ok to drink socially once he's over this "hump". He blames me for his drinking last night. He doesn't think his behavior toward me is abusive.
No no no, this will not do. I love him desperately. We were supposed to finally find happiness with each other. My life has been in shambles from the day it began. It was supposed to be better now. We are going to have nothing again - no vehicle, no new house, no beautiful things. Back to struggling and the odd trip to the food bank.
But no amount of money can buy a peaceful harmonious home, can it?
Sometimes I wish I could go to sleep and never wake up again. But I look out the window, see the hoar frost on the trees and a half foot of snow and know I have to find a way to carry on. Somehow I'll make it.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
You will make it, JanieJane. You will survive, and then, as time goes on, you will thrive.
For me, the dangerous time emotionally was just after I left my abusive porn addicted alcoholic now ex husband. I was out of the danger, I was away from my home, and I was away from his abuse.
That distance gave me a kind of amnesia about how bad it had been. And I felt drawn back. I didn't go back, and people here on SR and my grown kids kept bringing me back to reality about the cruelty he had shown me. And that kept me from going back.
Your description of his behavior is very very scary. Especially since he is a heavy duty drinker and gets triggered into violence by his PTSD. Alcoholism is progressive, and without a total commitment to recovery and a strong will, it will only get worse, and his potential for violence will only increase.
If you can find a domestic violence resource in your area, that would be great. They can help you make specific plans for your immediate needs. You need a plan for how to continue to keep yourself safe, since sometimes, after the abuser's initial pleas for forgiveness and your return don't work, they get angry and want retribution. I don't want to frighten you, I just want you to be aware enough to make contingency plans.
Lots of us are rooting for you here, so come whenever you want.
ShootingStar1
For me, the dangerous time emotionally was just after I left my abusive porn addicted alcoholic now ex husband. I was out of the danger, I was away from my home, and I was away from his abuse.
That distance gave me a kind of amnesia about how bad it had been. And I felt drawn back. I didn't go back, and people here on SR and my grown kids kept bringing me back to reality about the cruelty he had shown me. And that kept me from going back.
Your description of his behavior is very very scary. Especially since he is a heavy duty drinker and gets triggered into violence by his PTSD. Alcoholism is progressive, and without a total commitment to recovery and a strong will, it will only get worse, and his potential for violence will only increase.
If you can find a domestic violence resource in your area, that would be great. They can help you make specific plans for your immediate needs. You need a plan for how to continue to keep yourself safe, since sometimes, after the abuser's initial pleas for forgiveness and your return don't work, they get angry and want retribution. I don't want to frighten you, I just want you to be aware enough to make contingency plans.
Lots of us are rooting for you here, so come whenever you want.
ShootingStar1
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Janiejane--There is help for you--to help you "carry on". Please, pick up the phone and call the National Domestic Violence Hotline---they will help you every step of the way.
You don't have to live this way--and you shouldn't. You have options--there IS help available.
He is practically screaming that he is not ready and is not going to stop drinking. Even after the drinking stops--the abuse often continues, anyway. It will get worse.
You are not alone--lots of us have been in your shoes. We understand how you feel--and, we absolutely know that it will not always be like this.
Every journey begins with a single step. You took the first step by coming here for help--congratulations. Now, do step #2--call the dv hotline and tell them your circumstances. Today.
Hang in--and DO keep us posted!!!!!
dandylion
You don't have to live this way--and you shouldn't. You have options--there IS help available.
He is practically screaming that he is not ready and is not going to stop drinking. Even after the drinking stops--the abuse often continues, anyway. It will get worse.
You are not alone--lots of us have been in your shoes. We understand how you feel--and, we absolutely know that it will not always be like this.
Every journey begins with a single step. You took the first step by coming here for help--congratulations. Now, do step #2--call the dv hotline and tell them your circumstances. Today.
Hang in--and DO keep us posted!!!!!
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,431
I think ShootingStar and dandylionare giving you some excellent advice.
Your peace of mind, safety, and that of your children is worth more than any material goods.
Do not fall for the pleas. You cannot afford to risk yourself or your children to his empty promises.
I think in your heart you know what the score is here--please keep posting and let us support you as we can.
Meanwhile, do contact the domestic violence resource, a lawyer, and start making some short-term plans. You can do this and you deserve a life of peace and joy.
Your peace of mind, safety, and that of your children is worth more than any material goods.
Do not fall for the pleas. You cannot afford to risk yourself or your children to his empty promises.
I think in your heart you know what the score is here--please keep posting and let us support you as we can.
Meanwhile, do contact the domestic violence resource, a lawyer, and start making some short-term plans. You can do this and you deserve a life of peace and joy.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
[QUOTE=JanieJane;4280051]He doesn't want my to leave him. He says he's willing to do anything to keep me.
Except go to detox, rehab, a doctor, or a counselor.
He is willing to go to AA but not right now.
He is willing to quit drinking but thinks it's ok to drink socially once he's over this "hump". He blames me for his drinking last night. He doesn't think his behavior toward me is abusive.
My dear...he is abusing you. Of course he does not think he is. It's called denial and addiction. He is not going to change. He is telling you this. Hear him. He is not willing to do anything he needs to do to change his behavior. Please please get help. Do not tolerate being abused. I am scared for you.
My heart is with you. YOU CAN DO THIS.
Except go to detox, rehab, a doctor, or a counselor.
He is willing to go to AA but not right now.
He is willing to quit drinking but thinks it's ok to drink socially once he's over this "hump". He blames me for his drinking last night. He doesn't think his behavior toward me is abusive.
My dear...he is abusing you. Of course he does not think he is. It's called denial and addiction. He is not going to change. He is telling you this. Hear him. He is not willing to do anything he needs to do to change his behavior. Please please get help. Do not tolerate being abused. I am scared for you.
My heart is with you. YOU CAN DO THIS.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Central Florida
Posts: 976
Janie I'm so sorry you're going through this. I know how difficult it must be and my heart goes out to you.
Wow! What exactly is the "anything" he's willing to do to keep you? Doesn't sound like he's willing to do "anything" to fix the real problem.
You're right though, all the money in the world does not create a safe, happy home for you and your children.
So glad to hear that you and your kids are safe. Please keep us posted!
Originally Posted by JanieJane 
He doesn't want my to leave him. He says he's willing to do anything to keep me.
Except go to detox, rehab, a doctor, or a counselor.
He is willing to go to AA but not right now.
He is willing to quit drinking but thinks it's ok to drink socially once he's over this "hump". He blames me for his drinking last night. He doesn't think his behavior toward me is abusive.
Except go to detox, rehab, a doctor, or a counselor.
He is willing to go to AA but not right now.
He is willing to quit drinking but thinks it's ok to drink socially once he's over this "hump". He blames me for his drinking last night. He doesn't think his behavior toward me is abusive.
You're right though, all the money in the world does not create a safe, happy home for you and your children.
So glad to hear that you and your kids are safe. Please keep us posted!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
Originally Posted by JanieJane
I guess my AB (is that how you say alcoholic boyfriend?) wasn't interested in trying very hard last night. He went back to his old amount - a 26 ounce bottle of whiskey. He has PTSD and when he drinks a lot, he gets very confused in the night. He had nightmares all night and kept me up for two hours, swearing, name calling, and being physical. I pretended to be asleep, hoping it would make it better if I didn't respond. He kicked, shoved, pushed, pinched me, tried to throw me onto the floor. Other times, I've tried getting up and leaving the room but he just follows me. Does anyone else deal with PTSD in their partner? What is the best way to handle this?
Ruby2, I'm sorry you had to deal with that last night. <3
Ruby2, I'm sorry you had to deal with that last night. <3
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 609
In the end, before I sat in the DV's shelter answering questions, I was just ashamed. Afraid. Trying to hide everything thinking somehow it must be something I wasn't doing right.
I had shoved everyone, friends and family, away during this time...I couldn't keep up the smiling face.
Now I was supposed to tell the truth to these people?
Strangers.
2 weeks later they were in my house, picking up boxes of kitchen stuff and kids furniture/toys I donated to them because she was dead.
3 years later, here I am. Being involved in a living nightmare damaged me. I come from a generation where there's a pill for everything IF you/I can't shrug it off.
But there was no pill or anything to stop my head from returning to hitting, following, fleeing, ducking, panicking, etc. Flinching.
I flinch and cringe still...tho' not as bad---when I am not like that, like acting like a beaten pet, I can get so worked up that I'm ready to punch someones face in. I am now, thanks my most beloved girl, that woman I loved with every breath in me, a classic case of PTSD.
Never saw this coming. EVER.
Am glad you are out.
Really.
Cheers
I had shoved everyone, friends and family, away during this time...I couldn't keep up the smiling face.
Now I was supposed to tell the truth to these people?
Strangers.
2 weeks later they were in my house, picking up boxes of kitchen stuff and kids furniture/toys I donated to them because she was dead.
3 years later, here I am. Being involved in a living nightmare damaged me. I come from a generation where there's a pill for everything IF you/I can't shrug it off.
But there was no pill or anything to stop my head from returning to hitting, following, fleeing, ducking, panicking, etc. Flinching.
I flinch and cringe still...tho' not as bad---when I am not like that, like acting like a beaten pet, I can get so worked up that I'm ready to punch someones face in. I am now, thanks my most beloved girl, that woman I loved with every breath in me, a classic case of PTSD.
Never saw this coming. EVER.
Am glad you are out.
Really.
Cheers
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
Good to hear from you again. Sorry I jumped in without reading the whole thread last time. I had PTSD on the brain as it was around Veteran's Day when you originally posted. Glad to hear you're safe. Sending lots of positive energy your way. Take care and keep posting.
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