nbay2013

My 24 y/o daughter just broke up with her boyfriend who is a 26 year old alcoholic. He is in the early stages and therefore can make promises of "doing better" and of course my daughter loves him and I can already see the devoted codependent wheels turning. She had a brain injury several months ago so she feels a lot of guilt over "causing" him to drink. But he self identified himself as an alcoholic before her injury.

Not to my surprise, his drinking during this very terrifying intense experience with my daughter's injury increased. He is showing all the behaviors of classic alcoholism. I am grateful now with my experience with my Ex-AB as I can see the signs so very clearly and deeply. He is driving drunk, he is lying about where he is in order to to drink, he is taking my daughter's prescribed meds, and blaming my daughter's condition on his stress and reason to drink. The Quacking is awesome. Say no more. I know. He moved out of their shared apartment three days ago, and now I am gently trying to convince my daughter that the best hope for him, is "Zero Contact" Of course I am really only concerned with her need for zero contact, but her co-dependent self feels bad for him. I can't find a sticky on "Zero Contact" Can someone direct me to a good posting on this subject?

Thanks

DesertEyes

They have a lot of very good flyers at the al-anon meets. <hint, hint>

They can also give you tips and suggestions that are applicable to your particular location.

Mike

nbay2013

Thanks Mike. My daughter is a ways from going to Al-Anon. In time. Right now she seems to response to reading.

dandylion

nbay--there are a number of books on amazon.com on the subject of "letting go" of a relationship. If you get the used ones--they are fairly inepensive.

dandylion

Mountainmanbob

RCW 10.99.040: Duties of court — No-contact order.



apps.leg.wa.gov › RCWs › Title 10 › Chapter 10.99‎




(b) In issuing the order, the court shall consider the provisions of RCW 9.41.800. ... (3) At the time of arraignment the court shall determine whether a no-contact order ... You can be arrested even if any person protected by the order invites or ...

Recovering2

"The Language of Letting Go" by Melody Beattie is a great daily reader. Lots of beautiful reading on detaching with love and letting go.

shil2587

I will be as gentle as I can, but I think perhaps you are going about this the wrong way.

Minus the brain damage, I am in a similar position to your daughter and about the same age. If my mother tried to tell me how to handle a break up and told me to hurry up and let go, I would get angry with her for treating me like a child and making me feel that there was something wrong with me for hurting. It sounds like your daughter has already taken the huge step of breaking up with him. That was her decision and she knows this guy and her own relationship with him best. whether she goes no contact is also her decision. If my mother called me codependant and tried to force a load of literature on me, I would resent it and be hurt that she was telling me it's abnormal to hurt.

This is her relationship, she has chosen to end it. It sounds like you are trying to control how she manages that and to cure her of what you perceive as codependancy. This is something that is her business and her path to tread. Her own way. JMO.

Aeryn

I mean this in the best way possible and I may have misread but I believe Mike's suggestion for Alanon was for you not your daughter. This thought sort of goes along with shil's post above.

Take what you want and leave the rest.

dandylion

Actually--I took it as nbay attempting to be supportive of her daughter's decision to leave the boyfriend. I see nothing "dysfunctional" in suggesting appropriate literature that might ease the daughter's suffering.

This situation presents itself often, here. We frequently suggest that no contact is the best way to go--and suggest all kinds of educational materials from stickies to books.

I see a difference between compassionate support and co-dependency.

dandylion

nbay2013

Thanks Dandylion; You are spot on. I know enough about codependency for me not to personally give her advice. She asked me about "No Contact" and had see me go through it with my Ex-AB. Since she asked me, it's better to give her information by someone else than me personally, as her Mom. I am personally involved with Al-Anon; I can only lead by example. I just wanted to know if there was a "stickie" on the subject as I could not find one.

shil2587

Fair enough. In that case, I apologise. I misunderstood your post. I thought this was all coming from you and reacted. I am glad she has someone she can go to to ask for advice, especially someone who really does understand. I wish both of you the very best future, drama free!

nbay2013

Gosh, NO apology necessary. Your post reminds me to resist my fantasies of having her move home and having her boyfriend disappear ! LOL..now that is not co-dependency, that is a mother bear. Not a lot of difference at times. Especially with her injury which has caused some cognitive abilities to be compromised. She has a wonderful therapist she just started. Argggg. Being a mother of hurt child is so very difficult. This injury happened 10 months ago and it's been a daily struggle, sometimes even to keep her alive. That line between helping her with her injury and getting involved in her relationship is tricky...very very tricky. I love any and all advice.

Hugs,

Carrie

Aeryn

dandylion,

With all due respect I re-read shil's post and mine twice and no one accused anyone of being dysfunctional or co-dependent...I don't even believe those are "accusations" one makes per se.

I don't give advice on here ever because I don't know the situation and I do not judge - if I was coming off as judging it was due to mis-writing of my post by me...Alanon as far as I know is for anyone struggling with alcoholism in a friend or family member and the situation qualifies...it does not mean someone is codependent in my thinking. So the suggestion was that and nothing more nothing less...it was not some sort of veiled judgement. I do believe Alanon should be a choice an individual comes to on their own but it doesn't really matter what I think.

I don't think shil should feel the need to apologize for his or her feelings - they were his or her feelings and that's ok - it has nothing to do with some sort of judgement or accusation.

I will now step out of the thread - I wish nbay2013 and her daughter the best.

PS - And I do apologize I know this post likely comes off a bit harsh - your post triggers me greatly as did the OP. I know it must be hard to be the parent in this situation.

DesertEyes

Well. I see we are lacking in the sticky department where it comes to "no contact".

I will be working on that, see if I can get a thread started.

Mike

nbay2013

Thanks Mike; For me personally, No Contact, even though it wasn't my choice was huge. It was the only thing that worked for me and continues to work. It's been 5 months and I feel more alive and at peace than I have in 3 years.

Rosiepetal

Books I read in my journey which she may find helpful are:

Codependent No More
How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself
By Melody Beattie
Detachment
The Art of Letting Go While Living with an Alcoholic
By Evelyn Leite
Under the Influence Influence-Milam-Ketcham
By Milam, Ketcham
The Journey from Abandonment to Healing
By Susan Anderson

The last one is particularly good for someone who has just finished a relationship, alcoholic or otherwise.

Hope this helps.

ladyscribbler

You could go to Alanon. You know, just to set a good example. If she's a reader, there are lots of great books out there. Codependent No More. Love is a Choice. I personally like The Artist's Way by Julia Cameron. It really set me on a healing path.
Sorry to hear about her head injury. Hope she's getting better. Best wishes to you both.

nbay2013

Thank you. I do go to Al-Anon. I agree, I have to lead by my actions. She has a hard time reading books due to her head injury. That is why I love these stickies. They are so clear, to the point, have many viewpoints, and are real people. Oh, and I love the book, "The Artist's Way".

Whiterhino24

Maybe her love will help him get better and recover.

nbay2013

If love was enough there would be no addicts or alcoholics. Love of self, now that is what is needed by him.