SingledadPolo73

I posted earlier with my story about basically evacuating my 3 girls from my AW. It has been about a month now and during this time there have been drunk phone calls threatening me and that forced me to block her numer and text messages. A couple of weeks ago, she anounced that she was leaving town. Turns out that she really is. I suspect she is drinking everyday.
Now, I understand that she is sick and all that, what I don't get is what the hell happened to mothers instinct??? How can you just not give a damn about your kids? Earlier on, when I would take the kids for a few days because of her drinking, she always said how much she loved them and couldnt live without them and begged me to let them come back.
I basically took the girls with a smalll bag and during this month, I have had to buy clothes, bed sheets and blankets, just to avoid having to contact my wife.
As for me, I am determined to be with my kids but I just can't help thinking why she isnt thinking about her children...She could at least think of sending their teddy bears to the kids
Sorry for the negative tone, but I needed to vent about this

BtheChange

It is still incredibly hard for me to grasp how the alcoholic puts drinking ahead of everything else in his or her life, even their own children. You're right, it goes against human nature to destroy yourself, alienate your loved ones, and give up your career, just for that fleeting high.

It's a horrible, horrible disease. So sorry that you and your daughters are in such a heartbreaking situation.

Seren

I'm so sorry for your girls....I have read of similar things happening many times on these boards over the years, and I really don't understand it either. I don't think I ever will unless I am an alcoholic, and I'm willing to forgo that for a better understanding.

Just know you are not alone here. Sending prayers for you and your daughters, and that their mother will someday truly decide to work to recover.

befuddled1

Well done for taking your girls out of the environment. As hard as it is to understand, for the moment that needs to be put aside to concentrate on you and your girls and trying to provide as stable a lifestyle as possible at the moment. If you have the time as I know how tough it is being a single parent, read up on the stickies here to try and understand alcoholism more and you'll realise that unfortunately alcohol comes above all else and other feelings get numbed down - hugs and strength sent to you all xx

FeelingGreat

I'm so sorry for what you and the children are going through. I suppose that after struggling for years, she's now drowning herself in her addiction. I hope she reaches her bottom soon and makes a serious effort at sobriety.
I'm sure she still loves the children and is deeply ashamed of herself.

Hammer

This part right here is what catches my eye . . .

You follow how selfish that is?

What an A-centric view.

Always All About the A.

See, it is NEVER a "what is good/best for the kids" thing.

NEVER a "I need to clean this so I am better [mom/dad/whatever]."

NEVER a "What can I do to make things better?"

NEVER.

We have gotten so conditioned to the endless selfish crap, that even a drama-based (all about the A) "couldn't live without . . ." sounds like love or parenting.

MissFixit

hi

it is a disease that affects everything/everyone around the a. it is not selective in the areas of life it affects. active a's are selfish and unreliable.

sorry you are going through this.

side note, my sister and i grew up w my dad after my parents divorced. mom had head injury and exhibits lots of behavior and thinking that a's do. as i got older i didnt want to see her as much and am glad that i didnt live her looking back.

LightInside

I often hear people say that this is a cunning and insidious disease. Last week at therapy, my therapist said that I will make myself crazy if I try to figure out why my XA does the things he does. I used to work at a place that attracted a lot of "crazies"and drug abusers. My coworker would always say, "Never try to get into the mind of the customer. It is the path to madness." I'm now trying to apply this to X.

However, knowing what kind of things are common symptoms of addiction had helped me feel a little better - less bewildered, more compassionate even. The lying, the abandoning/not being truly present, the anger - all common traits of addiction. Sometimes I think of alcohol like a parasite that feeds off the A.

There is a parasite that gets into the brain of grasshoppers. The parasite needs to be in water to propagate, so it alters the grasshopper's brain to make it "want" to jump into the water and let itself drown. That is so messed up! Grasshopper is powerless.

Also, addiction makes itself worse. The hurtful/sick behavior causes shame and the A's coping mechanism is to numb or escape the shame with substances. I'm guessing your ex feels love for the kids underneath her addiction, but she is incapable of being altruistic or of dealing with her shame. It sounds like she's kind of throwing in the towel. My guess is that she hates herself for that and wants to keep drinking so she can ignore that. But hey, what do I know about it?

You know, it might help you to go to an open AA meeting so you can hear alcoholics talk about their actions from their points of view. I need to do this too. My sponsor kept suggesting it and I still haven't done it since I was observing as a student long ago.

LightInside

More for the biology geeks: There is some evidence that the toxoplasmosis parasite found in cat waste can make rats and humans love cats! Brain chemistry is touchy!

Hammer

hmmmm, cats and "A"s.

Now I see the connection.

Need a 12 step program for the cat lady.




So anybody heard from Lexie, lately?

Yurt

Hmm, is this why I suddenly slowed down and stopped to peer into the box of kittens that were being offered for adoption outside of Wal-Mart? This, in spite of the fact that I promised myself, "no more pets until I resolve the A issues in my life"?

Hammer

Yeah, we got rejected yesterday as being an unfit family for adoption from a Cat Rescue Group.

Just how low have we sunk?

soberhawk

You are joking right?

SingledadPolo73

Damn, you are sooooo right Hammer...I do rememeber her telling me that a childs place is by her mother no matter what. Last week, she even accussed the kids of not supporting her! I feel so stupid falling for her tricks.

Hammer

Yeah, after the all-drama-all-the-time stuff starts to drop from your attention, you start to see the same tired aspects of the drama play going over-and-over.

Do you know the Karpman Drama Triangle, yet? If not, we can do it in detail. Once you understand it, things start falling in place pretty quick.

At any rate, at center stage is always supposed to the Always All About the A central Actress (or Actor) "Star." The kids are just back up characters to the Drama Theater of their mind. Even when you walk off the stage, and out to the audience, they will still try to do "projection" to keep you as part of their fantasy play in their mind.

For a while after she got back from rehab, I changed the pop-up list name on my phone for Mrs. Hammer to AAAH. For "Always All About H______ ." So I would know that when she called what to expect. Changed it back when I figured even that acknowledgement kept me engaged in the games.

Hammer

Nope. True dat.

Were some Orphan Cats from the Oklahoma Tornadoes.

But we planned an indoor/outdoor cat door, so the cat could play in the backyard, but this particular Rescue operation would release cats to be indoor, only.

Came up after we made sure he still had his claws, for climbing and such.

Catherine628

It's all about the bottle for my AH. He hasn't seen the kids in nearly 5 months. For a while I really expected our leaving to be the thing to get him sober. Now I'm beginning to see how sick he really is. I just try to provide the girls with the best life I can. He's missing out on so much and so was I when I kept focusing on him. Good luck to you and your kids. Alcoholism sucks for everyone involved.

Aeryn

Don't apologize for having a negative tone - it is OK to feel the way you do.

My only ESH on this is my mother is NPD (Narcissitic Personality Disorder) which means she is incapable of loving me. And for NPDs with her level of severity they not only don't seek treatment often it doesn't work due to the nature of the disease. My father was a absent alcoholic and was actually the parent I leaned on though he was unable to protect me from her due to his disease. He passed when I was a teen leaving me to grow up alone with her. I have had to accept that is the case and yes it's hard.

Untreated alcoholism is a disease of selfishness and it progresses - it represses good and bad emotions and often leaves a shell of the person, one willing to do anything for the next fix. Unfortunately this sounds like the current reality, BUT your kids are lucky to have one loving, sober, parent - one loving parent is a great gift and I'm so glad you have the courage to give it to them.

If your AW chooses to get help change is possible....but life is here and now with a one time shot so what I learned is I can't sit around waiting for someone else to change, especially if they don't want to (this is mostly the case with my XAH).

So I guess that is my long rambling way of saying certain diseases take away the mother's instinct as long as they are active.


PS - Just went back and read all the cat posts (LOL)! I responded to the OP without having read those.

SingledadPolo73

Hammer, no I haven't heard of the Karpman Drama Triangle, but I sure am gonna educate myself on it. Thanks for the tip

So much to do and learn...

pinkdog

Hi Singledad, great job of taking care of your kids. Love to you.