capersnlox

Hi all. I'm going to try to make this brief because I have a 5 month old baby. This is my first time posting here.

My mom has been a drinker for my whole life, but over the past 3 or so years it has gotten really bad. She lives across the country from me so we don't see each other often, but we are close and used to talk every day. I had my second child 5 months ago and she was supposed to fly here to help. She shows up at my door in such bad shape she needed almost immediate hospitalization. She was diagnosed with stage 2 cirrhosis and alcoholic hepatitis and was told she could never drink again. When she was well enough to go home she left, promising that she would seek treatment and not go back to drinking (of course).

Come to find out she had started drinking almost immediately after she got home, and needed ascites draining multiple more times in the past several months. I and others have told her she is killing herself, and her kidneys are also starting to fail, but that has not made a dent.

I'm trying to prepare myself for her death. I am so f@#$ing angry with her. I have no relationship with my father and I'm her only child. I can't even talk to her on the phone-all she does is lie about her drinking and drown in self-pity. I'm just waiting for the call telling me that she's dead. Of course, she has also tried to make me feel guilty for being upset about how she showed up at my door 5 days after a c-section expecting me to take care of her and a newborn and a 4 year old with special needs.

Because of my situation I have almost no time to go to Al Anon, much as I do think it would help. I have my own therapy and her father died of alcoholism.

Help? Thoughts?

Seren

Hello capersnlox, Welcome to SR! Congratulations on your new little one!! What a joy

I so wish the one of us could give you those magic words to say to your Mom to get her to stop drinking. As one of our other Moderators says, if love could cure addiction, none of us would be here.

The brutal and sad truth is that the only person who can get your Mom to change is....your Mom.

I am glad you found us! SR is a great place for support, and I hope you will stick around, read all you can, and post to ventilate as often as you need. Oh, and some Al-Anon meetings actually offer babysitting--you might check that out

Welcome, again!

Katchie

Oh my goodness.. I'm so sorry. I don't care what a parent has done, we are never prepared for their passing. My mom and I didn't have the best relationship; it had been strained over the years. She wasn't an alcoholic but she was a heavy smoker that planned her waking moments around her next cigarette because she didn't want to smoke in front of family or fellow church members. Anyway, to make a long story short, she died from metastasized lung cancer. All we had left to do was to say what was on our hearts; I wanted to patch up what I could with no regrets and help her put her affairs in order. I don't know where your mom is with her affairs, but it is a stinking headache to take care of if she hasn't done a little preparing. I hate to sound so morbid, but if she is that bad to where there isn't any physical hope of recovery then it is something to think about. I understand your anger; I was angry at my mom, too. But I'm grateful for the little bit of time we had together to share. I hope your mom and her disease allow you to have that opportunity.

hopeful4

O my goodness. I don't know what to say. Prayer is strong, I think at this point that is all you can do. Unfortunately she is in a place that only she can decide to stop. It is amazing to me that some alcoholics seem to have no "bottom" so to speak.

Take care of you and your babies. Keep coming back here for support, goodness knows there are wonderful people here with alot more wisdom to offer than mine.

Hugs and God Bless.

capersnlox

She died two days ago. I'm devastated, I can't stop crying. I keep trying to figure out what I could have done to get her to stop before it was too late. It's just so unnecessary. So senseless. I feel like she loved it more than me.

Katchie

Capers,

I am so so so very sorry! I wish I could hug you; I understand your pain. Please cry all you need whenever you need to, it's ok! Your real mother, not your alcoholic mother, I believe loves you more than the alcohol. I don't believe you should look at it any other way. I also believe you will see her again in a perfect state where such addictions do not exist.
I am mentally hugging you and sending prayers of strength to God for you. It doesn't feel like it now, nor will it tomorrow or a week from now, but you will be ok!!
BIG hugs to you!

readerbaby71

I'm so, so sorry for your loss. There is nothing you could have done. Wishing you much healing, love and peace.

Seren

Oh, no....I really do hate what alcoholism does to people and to families. Please don't think that your mother did not love you, she was just very, very ill. I know it seems personal--like the alcoholic is drinking at us, but they aren't.

Please accept my deepest sympathies over the loss of your dear mother. You and she will be in my thoughts and prayers.

Anna

I am so very sorry that you have lost your mother. The circumstances are so very sad.

I hope you can find some peace.

wpasierb

I am so sorry for the loss of your mother. I lost my husband to alcoholism on
November 4th, 2011. He was told he had cirrhosis in July of 2010 and would die within a year if he kept drinking, and he lived 16 months. I feel so angry at him that he would choose alcohol and leave me and his family like this. It is such a horrible disease and I don't understand the selfishness of it. I'm so sorry your kids won't get to know their Grandmother and you won't get to have your mother there with you.

I'm sending hugs your way.

NWGRITS

I am so, so sorry for your loss. If you haven't already, come visit us in the Adult Children of Addicted/Alcoholic Parents forum. Some of us have lost parents to alcoholism, others are still living in the chaos. I'm one whose mother is in the end stage of alcoholism and will likely pass soon. Just know that there was nothing you could have done. You didn't Cause it, you couldn't Control it, and you couldn't Cure it. Hopefully your mother is at peace now. Please be kind to yourself, and allow yourself to grieve the loss.

OnawaMiniya

I'm so sorry for your loss and your pain. Big, big hugs to you....

The only person that could have done anything was her...this is not your fault, not your burden to bear...but I understand....it's human nature to do the "shoulda coulda woulda" thing to themselves...but again, it was out of your hands...I'm so sorry for the pain you feel.

I've never been in your situation myself but I know others on here have been in similar circumstances. Please keep posting, you will receive understanding, support, and love.

Sending wishes of PEACE and comfort to you and yours....

hopeful4

Awe sweetie, I am so so very sorry. I cannot even imagine. What you have to know is that it was not like that for her, she was not choosing it over you. In her mind it had chosen her. You have/had absolutely no power over it, just like she did not. I am thinking about you and praying that Jesus holds you close during this very hard time. Keep coming back, you are not alone!

SoloMio

I am so very sorry... Please do not blame yourself--there is absolutely nothing you could have done. This disease is so horribly tragic. I pray you find peace. ((((((hugs))))))