LightInside

D'oh. I'm sad and mad after a text argument. At least now I can remember the angry BS that he's been holding back lately.

I tried to use nonviolent communication, though I've only listened to half of a book on disc about it. I was feeling mad because I always check with XA to see what works for his schedule. He just signed up for stuff with blatant disregard for my "nothing schedule." I was trying to let him know how that impacts me. He just quacked about how he's trying to stay out of jail and in the same argument says that the charges were dropped. Do people get probation and community service when charges are dropped?

But I engaged. I argued. Now I feel sad because he said, "F you & your high horse."He might be right. I might ride a high horse. I'm not on Step 4 yet. He's on no step. Meh.

Everything is all about HIM and how hard it is to have to deal with his consequences. When it comes to me though, I have it "comparatively easy." He also told me, "Some people have to work every day to stay alive."

I do work. I take care of our child and I do it well. Then I go to work caring for other children. I don't understand why this guy is willing to pay someone else to take care of our child, but if I'm doing it, it's not work or it's nothing. I am soooooo tempted to argue about this with him, but I will get nowhere.

I also hate when says all this about me making it hard for him to see "my son." Through his actions, he has made it difficult for him to see OUR son. My claims are not "arbitrary."

I just want a little unity here. I want to be valued for what I do. I wanted to text back, "Love you too, Babe, " but I didn't. I can't believe this is the same man who has made me feel more loved and better about myself than anyone else I've ever met.

Please send hugs if you got 'em.

Hammer

Sorry but laughing about the half-book part.

Yeah, do not take the self-help books to battle.

Yunno, I have listened to books on tape (CD) about Apologies, Boundaries, Improving Marriage/Communication, on and on. Probably 40 or 50 hours or more, altogether. Have been maybe able to apply about 5 minutes of the Boundary Book.

In this realm, the only battle won is the one not fought.

But for whatever it is worth -- they seem to forget it all quicker than us.

so here are your hugs . . . .


((( LightInside )))

LightInside

Thank you! It's true, what works for Normies doesn't usually work with addicts. Aye!

I also have to remember that I don't have to say a word to set a boundary. I'm not used to that way of thinking. Here was my reinforcement of thinking the new way.

Ugh. This deflection is growing tiresome.

LightInside

P.S. My sponsor said I'm still in the toddler stage of Al Anon and that I can afford myself the same gentleness I provide for my toddler son.

P.P.S. I just remembered that "what X (or anyone) thinks of me is none of my business." My business is whether *I* think I'm doing the right thing. Still do.

P.P.P.S. I sure do miss my buddy and partner. Sigh.

Hammer

Good sponsor, and good on you for having a good sponsor.

Yeah. Yeah. We all do.

Mrs. Hammer was my little buddy, too. I still have it bad, too.

Had a good night last week. Well, you know . . . but afterward, we fell asleep still cuddled, I woke up and we were face-to-face, and she was still asleep. I just laid there and "shared breath" for maybe 15 or 20 minutes. I love that. I could go a year on that moment alone.

You never know how it will turn out. Take care you and make sure YOU turn out ok. And your son, too.

LightInside

Thank you. Will do.

Ironically, my new avatar was a joke that my X would bring up. Now I'm directing his joke back to him. Bittersweet.

Lettin' go & lettin' God now.

OnawaMiniya

He's quaking so much I would offer to throw him little pieces of bread if I were there!

That line I quoted above had me rolling my eyes....I empathize with you! Jeez, EVERYONE has to work every day to stay alive. Comparatively easy? Man. Goes to show you he hasn't the slightest clue what a joy he is for you to deal with.

Offering you my empathy and of course lots and lots of ******************{BIG HUGS}}}}}}}}}!!!!!!!

NWGRITS

(((Hugs)))

LightInside

Thank you.

I think he's bitter because I have only been working about 12 hours/week since or son was 3 months old. I thought that my X and I were in agreement that we didn't want to put our son in daycare, but if he wants me to work more we will have to put him in daycare.

There was also a quack-y time when X was like, "Are you gonna start working more than 6 shifts a month, like start doing Saturdays too?" I love how he just decides what day works best for him and expects me to go along with it. He also seems to have it in his mind that he is the best source of childcare for our son - even after I've been having him do supervised visits for the last month. Everything's always gotta be on HIS terms.

I worked 60 hour weeks at the end of my pregnancy (graveyard) and there have been brief times where one of us supported the other before we had our son. It's not like I'm incapable of being responsible. I just really value being present as my child's primary care provider.

There was a time after the break up where the house was a mess and I apologized. He sent a text that said, "No more judgments, Light Inside." I can still "feel" him judging me and I wonder if I'm crazy because he stats acting nice. Then I voice a little anger or hurt feelings and I see his judgment was there waiting for me all along.

NWGRITS

You.are.not.crazy. It's him. Start focusing on you and less on him and see what happens. I totally understand the catch-22 that is being a mom, especially an effectively single mom. I did it for nearly three years after my ex-husband and I split. If you work, you have to find childcare, but then you're neglecting your kids. If you don't work or only work part-time so that you can avoid daycare, then you aren't pulling your own weight. Screw him. You do what is best for your son and for you. I finally was able to quit the full-time grind and go to part-time after baby #5 came. Best decision I ever made. We still struggle, but I value being at home with the baby and for my older kids after school more than I do the paycheck.

LightInside

X doesn't know it yet (Why would someone who only thinks about himself all me any questions?), but I just requested to work 24 hours/week, which would double my hours. It's a compromise from my ideal, but I feel like it's necessary at this point. I asked to work during the week (instead of X's days of) so that I no longer have to pretend that my X is my childcare provider and so that the time X spends with our son can be time for me. I literally have my son's sleeping time for myself right now and that's it.

Kind of funny that my X started this text interaction tonight by saying that HE can't be present on his days this weekend because of OT (I'm sure they held a gun to his head to get him to say yes) and community service (but he didn't commit a crime), but I'm the one who's keeping him from seeing his son. Hmmm.

Thanks for hearing me vent. By the way, I'm doing a little better in general. Excited to start a new work assignment in a couple of weeks and working on moving out of the house we shared. I have a lot on my plate no matter what X thinks. Not looking forward to selecting daycare.

dandylion

Dear LightInside, If you have not already done so, try looking up "narcissism" and see if the glove fits. I have a sneaking suspicion that it does. Have dealt with this, myself.

If my suspicions are true--that he leans heavily in that direction---it would be advisable to consider rethinking your strategies with him---first of all, you are going to have to grow a thicker skin (really thick)! Draw firm boundaries and reinforce them with Quikdry and rebar. Never give an inch--"If you offer your hand, they will take your arm". Never turn your back.

Narcissistic people have a shocking lack of empathy for others and do not seem to have the capacity to understand or appreciate how their actions affect others. Me, Me, Me.

I am not making a diagnosis, here---just saying that It wouldn't hurt to enlighten yourself.

More self-protection seems in order, to me.

dandylion

befuddled1

Must be something in the air - I was just gonna post that Iv just engaged after a mornin of txt row and calls and read yours and thought I'd add onto here. Hope you're feeling a bit more calm now - my stress is high at the moment - I got caught off guard and before I knew it I was listening to quacks galore and now feel like pooh :-( I don't know what was different today other than I'm more tired than usual cut I'm cross with myself for engaging - onwards and upwards :-/

skarletstarlet

I've just engaged over the phone, to my AF, who was in rehab when it happened. He said he wants to leave so I told him "don't expect me to stick around while you are drinking then." Sigh. I am also an "effectively single mom." I am 23, 24 on halloween and I am SCARED of life without him. I am a nursing student and I also work. I am so busy sometimes I don't see the kids at all. I hate what I am doing but I am doing it so they can have a better life without him if need be. I really feel for you. We are one in the same. Hugs.

LightInside

Thanks, Everyone!

Maybe it's Mercury retrograde, befuddled. Got the "apology" text this AM. Looks to me as though he knows his a$$ is hanging out in the autumn chill and he had better cover it quick.

Dandylion, he definitely has narcissistic traits. I got a book from the library called, Enough About You, Let's Talk About Me about how to deal with the narcissist in your life, but too busy with Codependent No More and The Journey From Abandonment to Healing. Hahaha! And there's tending to my toddler...

Oh, Skarlet! I so badly wish I could hop on over to Ontario to help you. I am a nurse and I do not think I could have made as a single mom in school. Nursing school was the hardest thing I ever chose to do.

pinkdog

Hi Lightinside, we have lots of hugs for you here.

LightInside

I feel a bit of alright at the moment. My son is playing in a box just his size, being so cute & funny. I'm a lucky lady. Coffee and chocolate help too. See, I have my own addictions.

Seren

LightInside I'm sorry.

That detaching stuff really takes practice. It took Mr. S and I a while before we finally just would not engage in his son's insane arguments.

Don't be too hard on yourself...it won't be too long before you 'will be as happy as a little girl'

LightInside

Thank you, Seren.