amy55

My dear Idaley,

I was once you. I knew deep down in my heart that things weren't right, but I really didn't know what "right" was. So I started for searching what "right" is. I had no validation from anyone. I had the perfect marriage on the outside, inside things were not good.

I started to go to a verbal abuse website. Initially I was greeted OK, but then it seemed that I was doing what they wanted me to do at the speed they wanted me to do it in. I did get a lot of disheartening posts to my thread, and I soon became embarrassed and afraid to post there anymore.

I don't want that to happen to you. This is a really great community that we have here, and I would like to hold your hand through the bad times that you are going through.

I came here to learn, and I have learned a lot here. What I do appreciate learning here is that "I" had to be OK with myself, once I am, I could make decisions, and take actions to better my life.

You probably have been told a lot of bad things about yourself. Don't believe any of them. You are reaching out, you are asking for help, to me, I see you as a very beautiful, intelligent and compassionate person, and someone who truly cares about your life and the life of son. I can see that you want the best for the both of you.

((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))

BlueSkies1

I'm sure all these suggestions are a lot to process, especially since you just joined yesterday.
Amy's advice is great.
You don't have to do anything right now, unless you want to. For now I think you simply need to feel welcomed here and safe posting here.
So welcome!

CarryOn

Hi ldaley,

Welcome (back) to SR. I went back to read your original post from 2011. I'm concerned because it seems that your ABF's abusive behavior has escalated. As another poster said, there is an excellent sticky about abuse at the top of this forum.

I do hope that you are not discouraged by some of the responses you received to your message. The people here really do care and support you, but it comes in many different forms - sometimes it comes off a bit harsh thought that is not the intention.

Did you ever check out AlAnon? It can help to meet others in similar situations and have face to face support. I know there are many meetings in your area. Please take some time to educate yourself about alcoholism. It will help you understand what you are experiencing. SR and AlAnon can help give you the tools to deal with the A's in your life so you can have a more peaceful existence for yourself and your son, regardless of who you are living with.

Please keep reading & posting. There are many here who have been in similar situations and can give you excellent support in the form of experience. We're glad that you are here.

peaceofpi

We're here because we feel for you and pray for you. I've felt like a horrible parent for staying and for leaving and cried days and nights about both. I do know I made the right choice to get away from CrazyLand.

You can make lists of reasons to stay and go. I drew a line through reasons that weren't related to the future and to the best interests of my child (that's where I decided past investment in our relationship wasn't a factor). It wasn't easy, and glimmers of sobriety sometimes got me thinking "maybe this time." It took me a year to file for divorce. That gave my child a chance to become more self-sufficient (for spending time with the other parent), but he witnessed another year of emotional abuse and conflict.

Everyone's circumstances are different. With a child so young, you want to stay home and nurture him, and that is tougher to do if you have to get a job. I'd simply encourage you to vent here, learn here, and begin to explore your options. Love your child, and love yourself.

Seren

Hello ldaley, and Welcome to SR!

You are a loving mother who finds herself in a very tough situation. I wish I could wave some magic wand and make everything better for you (Oooo...I could be a Fairy Godmother!). Sadly, I can't.

Please know that, tragically, there are many here who have been in your situation. I think it's important to know that you don't have to know everything or have all the answers right now---today! Sometimes, just knowing that there are people who understand can be a huge relief.

Sending hugs and prayers that your 'today' will be a bit brighter!

Renarde

How are you doing? I've been thinking of you.

fairlyuncertain

The hardest part of loving someone with the disease of alcoholism (who is also abusing you), is that we end up feeling so guilty and ashamed and worthless--and THEN, at our weakest point, we're called on to be strong, brave the abuse and walk into an uncertain future.
It seems impossible.
I know I was convinced that I would be treated with contempt by everyone else, too--after all, if the man who loves me the most is so awful, what is the rest of the world going to be like? They won't be as understanding as my AH. After all, he told me no one else could even stand me.
(aside: he called me a lesbian, and I thought to myself, "I should be so lucky. It would've saved me a lot of trouble!)

I am on the other side of it, now. There are so many kind-hearted, loving people in the world. Women who understand, nice men, sober and sane people You can find them at places like SR, or an al-anon meeting.

I highly recommend calling a domestic violence hotline. Not only are they great listeners if you are in crisis, but if you are wondering if it's even POSSIBLE to leave, logistically, they can answer that. Are there programs that would help you pay for rent, childcare, college, an attorney to sort out child support? I bet there are, and they'll know where.
And really, if you aren't doing well financially WITH him, you may fare much better without him.

Your son also deserves a chance to be supported by loving, drama-free people. I wish you both the best in finding them. They're out there!!