Trapped (long post, sorry)
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Aurora, Illinois
Posts: 5
Trapped (long post, sorry)
I feel trapped. I live with my boyfriend, who is also my child's father. I stay at home to take care of our one year old son. My boyfriend works two part time jobs to try to support us. We only have one car. We are always behind on our bills and just scraping by.
When my boyfriend is sober, we are great! We are a happy loving family! He doesn't drink all the time, but he drinks a lot more than he used to. Some nights he will finish an entire bottle of liquor in a couple of hours. He only stops drinking when he runs out of alcohol. He starts out being louder and lively, upbeat and fun, but slightly annoying. A little later he turns on some loud music and has a really cute "dance party" with our son. Unfortunately, he insists on keeping our one year old son up until 3 or 4 in the morning-no matter how tired or cranky our son gets.
Then in no time, he is starting arguments with me, saying the most bizarre things. He gets paranoid and accuses me of weird things (messing with his computer, not listening to how he hates our shower curtain, turning the heat up when he is hot....like I said WEIRD random things). I try to explain and defend myself, but it is useless. He just gets more and more insane. Before you know it he is picking on every flaw of mine and saying horrible things about all of my friends and family. He tells me I'm a horrible mother and that if I leave him, our son will eventually get to the age when he will know how wrong I was and how great his dad is and he'll leave me to live with his dad. Then he tells me to get away from him. I retreat to the bedroom, son in tow, and close the door. (I am afraid to put my son in his own room alone when his father is like this). Then my boyfriend yells loudly at me from the other side of the door all night. Last time, he went around the apartment and destroyed things of mine, hid things, and threw some of my things out. Then he comes in and out of the bedroom to yell at me, or try to grope me and talk me into sexual acts. This continues until about 5 am when, if I am lucky he finally goes away and passes out.
He likes to yell at me during those nights about how he thinks I am a lesbian, because he makes advances at me when he is grossly intoxicated and rude and I don't take him up on it.
Last night was one of those nights. We fought about me turning up the heat, when I tried to explain to him that I did not. He yelled about how I was rude and talked over him and that it didn't matter what I had to say because he isn't listening and I'm just ignorant and bat-**** crazy like my family. He yelled at me to get out of the room. I went to the bedroom with our son. I locked the door. He tried to break down the door.
I just wanted to make it stop so I came out and apologized as if I meant it. He then said he would not accept my apology unless I stripped down naked and danced for him. Keep in mind our one year old son is still awake and wandering in and out of the room. I initially refused, but he started being an ass again. As degrading as it was, I did what he asked. I felt disgusting. I told him that I had to go to bed soon and that I refused to keep our son up much later. I thought that by pretending to apologize and doing what he asked that perhaps he would let me go to bed and he could jerk off and pass out.
Nope.
Yelled from the other room the whole night. I finally just fell asleep.
This morning he acted like nothing ever happened. When I said I was still rather upset about last night he said I had no right to be upset and that he is the one who has the right to be pissed.
I went on with life as usual. We planned a trip to the pumpkin patch with our son and went through other daily nonsense.
I feel nauseas. I'm miserable and angry. I can't go to Alanon because I would have to take the car and take my son and my boyfriend would have to know where I am going. And he would never allow it. He says that there is no such thing as an alcoholic and that people just need to learn how to control their drinking, like he does. -UGH! He also said he isn't an alcoholic because: 1. It hasn't affected his work 2. He doesn't hide alcohol 3. He doesn't drink and drive (lie)
He does have sober days, but he also has days where he starts drinking with breakfast. He drinks between shifts at work, before work, after work, when he gets home. He drinks anywhere from 1/2 a bottle of liquor to a whole bottle and a 12 pack of beer.
I don't want to leave him because we've fought pretty hard to make things work so far. Plus I have no job and really no place to go.
I feel utterly hopeless. Disgusted. Miserable. TRAPPED
When my boyfriend is sober, we are great! We are a happy loving family! He doesn't drink all the time, but he drinks a lot more than he used to. Some nights he will finish an entire bottle of liquor in a couple of hours. He only stops drinking when he runs out of alcohol. He starts out being louder and lively, upbeat and fun, but slightly annoying. A little later he turns on some loud music and has a really cute "dance party" with our son. Unfortunately, he insists on keeping our one year old son up until 3 or 4 in the morning-no matter how tired or cranky our son gets.
Then in no time, he is starting arguments with me, saying the most bizarre things. He gets paranoid and accuses me of weird things (messing with his computer, not listening to how he hates our shower curtain, turning the heat up when he is hot....like I said WEIRD random things). I try to explain and defend myself, but it is useless. He just gets more and more insane. Before you know it he is picking on every flaw of mine and saying horrible things about all of my friends and family. He tells me I'm a horrible mother and that if I leave him, our son will eventually get to the age when he will know how wrong I was and how great his dad is and he'll leave me to live with his dad. Then he tells me to get away from him. I retreat to the bedroom, son in tow, and close the door. (I am afraid to put my son in his own room alone when his father is like this). Then my boyfriend yells loudly at me from the other side of the door all night. Last time, he went around the apartment and destroyed things of mine, hid things, and threw some of my things out. Then he comes in and out of the bedroom to yell at me, or try to grope me and talk me into sexual acts. This continues until about 5 am when, if I am lucky he finally goes away and passes out.
He likes to yell at me during those nights about how he thinks I am a lesbian, because he makes advances at me when he is grossly intoxicated and rude and I don't take him up on it.
Last night was one of those nights. We fought about me turning up the heat, when I tried to explain to him that I did not. He yelled about how I was rude and talked over him and that it didn't matter what I had to say because he isn't listening and I'm just ignorant and bat-**** crazy like my family. He yelled at me to get out of the room. I went to the bedroom with our son. I locked the door. He tried to break down the door.
I just wanted to make it stop so I came out and apologized as if I meant it. He then said he would not accept my apology unless I stripped down naked and danced for him. Keep in mind our one year old son is still awake and wandering in and out of the room. I initially refused, but he started being an ass again. As degrading as it was, I did what he asked. I felt disgusting. I told him that I had to go to bed soon and that I refused to keep our son up much later. I thought that by pretending to apologize and doing what he asked that perhaps he would let me go to bed and he could jerk off and pass out.
Nope.
Yelled from the other room the whole night. I finally just fell asleep.
This morning he acted like nothing ever happened. When I said I was still rather upset about last night he said I had no right to be upset and that he is the one who has the right to be pissed.
I went on with life as usual. We planned a trip to the pumpkin patch with our son and went through other daily nonsense.
I feel nauseas. I'm miserable and angry. I can't go to Alanon because I would have to take the car and take my son and my boyfriend would have to know where I am going. And he would never allow it. He says that there is no such thing as an alcoholic and that people just need to learn how to control their drinking, like he does. -UGH! He also said he isn't an alcoholic because: 1. It hasn't affected his work 2. He doesn't hide alcohol 3. He doesn't drink and drive (lie)
He does have sober days, but he also has days where he starts drinking with breakfast. He drinks between shifts at work, before work, after work, when he gets home. He drinks anywhere from 1/2 a bottle of liquor to a whole bottle and a 12 pack of beer.
I don't want to leave him because we've fought pretty hard to make things work so far. Plus I have no job and really no place to go.
I feel utterly hopeless. Disgusted. Miserable. TRAPPED
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
First of all I would like to say keeping a 1 year old up until 3-4 A.M is CRUEL. And I am on the fence here, and I am leaning towards negligence. Children NEED their sleep. Denying a child a basic need? Really? Without proper sleep, immune systems weaken, and illness occurs. A one year old requires 13.75 hours of sleep, ( according to the Baby Center website) the doctors say at least 11 hours should come from nighttime sleep.
I am sorry you are feeling trapped, the fact remains there is available help, you have to search it out. YOU have to want better for you and your baby! This guy is abusing you and your child, You really need to make a clean break and get the hell away from him.
He has nothing to offer either you or your child, and by continuing to stay, you are giving him permission to treat you in such a horrible and disrespectful manner.
Please know, My words to you are not intended to cause you additional hurt, but you are a MOM now and you have a duty to protect your child, neither you or the baby deserve this type of life. YOU both deserve so much better.
I am sorry you are feeling trapped, the fact remains there is available help, you have to search it out. YOU have to want better for you and your baby! This guy is abusing you and your child, You really need to make a clean break and get the hell away from him.
He has nothing to offer either you or your child, and by continuing to stay, you are giving him permission to treat you in such a horrible and disrespectful manner.
Please know, My words to you are not intended to cause you additional hurt, but you are a MOM now and you have a duty to protect your child, neither you or the baby deserve this type of life. YOU both deserve so much better.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Wow, do you know that this sounds similar to my marriage. Not all the same kind of craziness, but craziness just the same.
I first had to realize that there was a difference between alcoholism, abuse, and possibly a mental illness.
The blaming, the justification, gaslighting you.
Just know that we understand here, and are here for you.
((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))
PS - I'm divorced now. Keep talking to us and we can help you find a better life.
I first had to realize that there was a difference between alcoholism, abuse, and possibly a mental illness.
The blaming, the justification, gaslighting you.
Just know that we understand here, and are here for you.
((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))
PS - I'm divorced now. Keep talking to us and we can help you find a better life.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Idaley, I would also like to say welcome and you have found a place that you can talk about these things. I would also like to suggest that you read a thread started by Sadconfused. It's right below yours now. She has been making progress in getting back her life, she is a sahm, and trying to figure out how to make it on her own.
more (((((((((hugs)))))))))) for you and your baby
more (((((((((hugs)))))))))) for you and your baby
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
Idaley. Thank you for your post. I used to be in a very similar situation as you. I left about a month ago, with help from my family, who have been very supportive. The behavior you're describing is abuse. I recommend the excellent sticky at the top of this forum- What is Abuse? It really opened my eyes and validated my feelings about the way my AB treated our family. I knew I was doing the right thing when I left. My only regret was waiting as long as I did. You can be free of this, but you have to reach out for help. And you have to realize that part of what is trapping you is your own mindset. I did, and my sons and I are happier than we've been in a long time. Hugs and best wishes for you and your sweet boy.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Idaley, I am so sorry that you and your child are going through this. Yes, you are being abused. You do not deserve this and it isn't your fault.
You don't have to continue to live like this. There is a lot of help available.
AS AMY SAID, PLEASE STAY AROUND AND KEEP TALKING TO US. So many others have been in your shoes--and understand how you feel.
Read the "stickies" at the top of this main page. It has a walth of information about alcoholism.
Have you ever thought of calling the Domestic Violence hot line for advice or assistance?
Have you ever asked anyone for help?
I hear that you feel hopeless---but, it is far, far from hopeless.
I am so glad that you came here and posted!
dandylion
You don't have to continue to live like this. There is a lot of help available.
AS AMY SAID, PLEASE STAY AROUND AND KEEP TALKING TO US. So many others have been in your shoes--and understand how you feel.
Read the "stickies" at the top of this main page. It has a walth of information about alcoholism.
Have you ever thought of calling the Domestic Violence hot line for advice or assistance?
Have you ever asked anyone for help?
I hear that you feel hopeless---but, it is far, far from hopeless.
I am so glad that you came here and posted!
dandylion
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Please, please, please read the suggested threads and stickies the others have pointed out. Alcohol aside, there is no arguing or sugar coating that this is an abusive relationship. You don't have to stay trapped; sending you lots of prayers tonight.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 9,029
Idaley, I am glad you came here for help and support. Please listen to what the other members have to offer you.
What you are describing is alcoholic and very abusive behavior and it will not get better. You say that you have worked hard to make this relationship work but it doesn't sound like it is working too well. He is depriving you and your son of sleep, constantly belittling you and coercing you into doing degrading things that you don't like just so you get peace. This is abuse. Sleep deprivation has been considered torture.
Think about the life lessons your son will have if this continues. Is he going to learn that his mommy dances naked for daddy and this is how women should be treated? How about when he gets to be school age and daddy thinks it's cute to keep him up all night on school nights and your son is too tired to learn? Or that it is okay for daddy to call mommy a lesbian if she won't have sex?
This is not normal and you don't need to and should not put up with it. I can fully understand what you are going through with the behavior. My husband won't let me sleep if I don't give him what he wants. Usually money. He stopped demanding sex a while back because I refused to give in to his increasing demands while he is drunk and high. He accuses me of having a boyfriend since I am not interested in having sex with him. Like I have the time and energy for that after working full time, caring for the children at night and doing all the housework. He will do laundry but only if he needs clothes for work. So now he jerks off all the time while watching porn on the computer. It is disgusting.
I have little respect for him and through the time I have spent on this site, reading through many, many posts, I am learning that I don't have to live like this, that while I may somewhere deep down still love my husband, this relationship is not healthy for me or my kids. Please consider leaving, if not for you but for your son. Do you have family you can go to? If not, it may sound drastic but a women's shelter.
Please keep reading and posting here. Hugs.
What you are describing is alcoholic and very abusive behavior and it will not get better. You say that you have worked hard to make this relationship work but it doesn't sound like it is working too well. He is depriving you and your son of sleep, constantly belittling you and coercing you into doing degrading things that you don't like just so you get peace. This is abuse. Sleep deprivation has been considered torture.
Think about the life lessons your son will have if this continues. Is he going to learn that his mommy dances naked for daddy and this is how women should be treated? How about when he gets to be school age and daddy thinks it's cute to keep him up all night on school nights and your son is too tired to learn? Or that it is okay for daddy to call mommy a lesbian if she won't have sex?
This is not normal and you don't need to and should not put up with it. I can fully understand what you are going through with the behavior. My husband won't let me sleep if I don't give him what he wants. Usually money. He stopped demanding sex a while back because I refused to give in to his increasing demands while he is drunk and high. He accuses me of having a boyfriend since I am not interested in having sex with him. Like I have the time and energy for that after working full time, caring for the children at night and doing all the housework. He will do laundry but only if he needs clothes for work. So now he jerks off all the time while watching porn on the computer. It is disgusting.
I have little respect for him and through the time I have spent on this site, reading through many, many posts, I am learning that I don't have to live like this, that while I may somewhere deep down still love my husband, this relationship is not healthy for me or my kids. Please consider leaving, if not for you but for your son. Do you have family you can go to? If not, it may sound drastic but a women's shelter.
Please keep reading and posting here. Hugs.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
It must have been so incredibly hard for you to be able to let it all out, but I am so glad that you did. I kept quiet for a long time about things, and when I first let it out, it seemed to be a little easier each time. I kept holding things in and holding things in, I didn't know where to go, or who to turn to, or even who I could trust, who would believe me anyway?
We do!!!!!!!!!!!!!
At first the things that I was learning was shocking, but then again my marriage was shocking. I tried everything to make things work out, but I realized that you need 2 for things to work out and get better. Anything that I was doing to make things better was just getting him angrier and angrier.
I remember sitting there many times trying to figure out how can he blame me for that?, I did what he wanted me to do. I was so confused. So I tried to think of more and more and more ways to try to get through to him, that I wasn't fighting with him, that I loved him, that I wanted things to work out, and it never matter how I said it, or how I showed it, it was always wrong. He was still mad at me, and I kept trying some more.
There is nothing wrong with you. You sound to be a very beautiful, compassionate, intelligent person.
Stick around, and talk to us, let us help you and support you.
Just know I am here for you and your son.
This is a safe place.
We do!!!!!!!!!!!!!
At first the things that I was learning was shocking, but then again my marriage was shocking. I tried everything to make things work out, but I realized that you need 2 for things to work out and get better. Anything that I was doing to make things better was just getting him angrier and angrier.
I remember sitting there many times trying to figure out how can he blame me for that?, I did what he wanted me to do. I was so confused. So I tried to think of more and more and more ways to try to get through to him, that I wasn't fighting with him, that I loved him, that I wanted things to work out, and it never matter how I said it, or how I showed it, it was always wrong. He was still mad at me, and I kept trying some more.
There is nothing wrong with you. You sound to be a very beautiful, compassionate, intelligent person.
Stick around, and talk to us, let us help you and support you.
Just know I am here for you and your son.
This is a safe place.
Bunnies!
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,905
Hi and welcome, Idaley. Please get yourself and your son out of that situation as soon as possible. I'm not going to sugarcoat things because there is a small, innocent child involved here: If I were a neighbor or friend, and I knew this was going on, I would call CPS on you. What you and your boyfriend are doing is ABUSE and NEGLECT. By allowing him to do these things and not leaving, you are as guilty of it as he is. THIS IS NOT HEALTHY. THIS IS NOT OK. There are many resources available to you to help get you out of there. They have programs to help you get on your feet and provide a better life for yourself and your son. No child should be subjected to the environment that you are in. Living with an A parent is detrimental to every aspect of their development. Trust me, I know. I grew up in an alcoholic/enabling home, and I would never, ever wish that on my worst enemy. YOU ARE NOT STUCK. YOU DESERVE SO MUCH MORE THAN WHAT YOU ARE GIVING YOURSELF!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
An abuser will gradually isolate their victim, until the victim feels "trapped." That's part of their power and manipulation. But women DO get out....every day. And you can too, but it's going to take some effort on your part. Your 1yr old is being abused as well, and his needs are being neglected. You are being verbally assaulted, physically degraded. He is an alcoholic...that is a progressive disease. So your situation will only get worse from here...can you imagine WORSE for you and your child?
Please call the DV hotline and get some help, get informed on resources, and start to plan your exit. Do it for your child. Keep posting here, we're here for you.
Please call the DV hotline and get some help, get informed on resources, and start to plan your exit. Do it for your child. Keep posting here, we're here for you.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 2,303
I am so sorry you are going through this. It must have been so hard to share this but i am so glad you did. He is abusive not only to you, but your son. I can't believe he would keep a baby from sleeping. That makes me sick to my stomach - that is abuse. My heart breaks for you and your child. Please call the DV as soon as you can! Stay in touch - people care here.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 58
He is an abusive alcoholic..RUN RUN..get help for you and your baby. NO one deserves that kind of treatment. He is gaslighting you big time. He says if you leave i will this and that, because he is probably afraid you will leave his sorry butt! Turn to a church..family or friends. Do what you have to do to get safe and stop the insanity. I agree read the stickies and learn from others. Take good care and God bless!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Powerless ... and free
Posts: 201
Originally Posted by ldaley 
I don't want to leave him because we've fought pretty hard to make things work so far. Plus I have no job and really no place to go.
Try to focus on your long-term investment - your child's future. You can choose your child's future with crazy 100% of the time or a future with stability and peace for all or most of the time (depending on custody laws in your state). Then focus on practical steps to secure that future. Document the abuse, particularly to the child (I used camera/video on my phone), call Domestic Violence or a women's shelter, turn to a church.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 490
Originally Posted by peaceofpi
Try not to think of your past investment in your relationship as a reason to stay. He is an alcoholic. You and your child are being abused.
When I realised I was being abused by an alcoholic and a drug addict and pandering to him to keep the peace was when I grew a set.
You don't have to live like this.
Something my boss said to me which stuck and helped me to act was: "Is THIS how you want to spend your one precious life?"
My answer was a resolute NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Try alanon. Read the stickies about what abuse is. Choose you and your baby.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Aurora, Illinois
Posts: 5
Thanks for the...um....support. I now cannot stop crying because I feel like the most horrible mother on the planet. I didn't know what to do. My son means everything to me!
So I guess the solution is for me to go live in a shelter or move in with my mother who has enough on her plate dealing with my brother who has serious mental health issues, financial issues and is soon to be homeless. He is continually suicidal and also an alcoholic.
My boyfriend will just drink himself to death. My son will grow up without a father.
Sounds fantastic. I'm just going to sit here holding my son and cry for the evening.
So I guess the solution is for me to go live in a shelter or move in with my mother who has enough on her plate dealing with my brother who has serious mental health issues, financial issues and is soon to be homeless. He is continually suicidal and also an alcoholic.
My boyfriend will just drink himself to death. My son will grow up without a father.
Sounds fantastic. I'm just going to sit here holding my son and cry for the evening.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
No, no... I'm sure you love your baby very very much. You said yourself that he means everything to you, and I believe you!
Don't take everything to heart. You can find out over time how to help your situation. It doesn't need to be figured out all right now. Just one thing at a time to help make your life better.
There are knowledgeable people here who have been in a situation like yours, and they will be here shortly to help you. Please be patient. They will be back. Please re-read the posts that were sympathetic. Those are the people who can help you.
I don't think anyone questions that you love your child! It might all be so confusing right now, but you will find from coming back here those who can help!
So hold your son, look into those innocent eyes, and know that your life can be a lot better, and will be.
I'm sure he's a very beautiful boy! I'm sure he takes after his mother too!
Don't take everything to heart. You can find out over time how to help your situation. It doesn't need to be figured out all right now. Just one thing at a time to help make your life better.
There are knowledgeable people here who have been in a situation like yours, and they will be here shortly to help you. Please be patient. They will be back. Please re-read the posts that were sympathetic. Those are the people who can help you.
I don't think anyone questions that you love your child! It might all be so confusing right now, but you will find from coming back here those who can help!
So hold your son, look into those innocent eyes, and know that your life can be a lot better, and will be.
I'm sure he's a very beautiful boy! I'm sure he takes after his mother too!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 9,029
Idaley, you are not the most horrible mother in the world. You reached out here because you know, deep down, something is not right and you need help and support. You are taking steps in a direction that will help you and help your son. Please keep coming back here.
I could have been in your shoes six years ago because when my son was about your son's age I would leave him at home with my alcoholic husband because I had no one else to watch him when I went to work. Or thought i didn't. The arrangement was that My husband was supposedly a stay at home dad while I was the household support. I Still am for that matter but that is a story for a different day.
What I found out later, and what I saw with my own eyes at the time but didn't want to admit, was that my husband was neglecting our son horribly. We, I, was fortunate that no one called the police to report child abuse and neglect. I would get home from work and husband would be "napping" on the couch and our son was penned in his bedroom by the baby gate. Only much later on, after i had kicked hsuband out the second time, did I learn from the neighbors that they could hear my son crying and screaming for daddy for hours on end. My husband was not napping. He was passed out.
AH also later admitted to me when he was on his sporadic "I'm working my AA program better than anyone in the universe" moments, that he would take our son to his friend's house during the day and get high and drunk and then drive home with our son in the car.
There were also times that I stood by while AH was too harsh, yelling and hitting our son, and I was too scared that he would violently turn on me and hurt me that I made only small efforts to intervene.
I cannot forgive myself for that at the moment. I look back on all of that with extreme regret and grief that I didn't kick my husband out at the time. So horribly unfair and cruel to a beautiful little boy. I have a lifetime of amends to my son for what he experienced during that time. I can only say that I did reach a breaking point and moved out with my son for about three months. My husband got sober and started working his AA program again.
My husband has not stayed continuously sober and there have been some very bad, very dark times, but I will never, ever let him do that to us again. And now we have a daughter who managed to avoid all dad's neglect. I seem to be a slow learner but coming on here and reading and posting, i have come to conclusion that as much as i loved my AH, he is going to have to go at some point. I doubt that he is ever going to have long term sobriety. And quite frankly, I am getting too darn old for this crap. I had my son at 40. I really don't want to spend my golden years in fear and loathing of my husband.
Sorry this is long. Hold your son. Cry if you need to for the loss of a relationship that you had hope for but keep coming back here and learning that you are worthy and better than your treatment in what should be a safe haven.
Your mom's house does not sound like it would be a great place either. Call a domestic violence hotline and talk to them about options. No one should have to live with what you are going through. It is scary but sounds like being home is scary enough. The first step is always the hardest.
I could have been in your shoes six years ago because when my son was about your son's age I would leave him at home with my alcoholic husband because I had no one else to watch him when I went to work. Or thought i didn't. The arrangement was that My husband was supposedly a stay at home dad while I was the household support. I Still am for that matter but that is a story for a different day.
What I found out later, and what I saw with my own eyes at the time but didn't want to admit, was that my husband was neglecting our son horribly. We, I, was fortunate that no one called the police to report child abuse and neglect. I would get home from work and husband would be "napping" on the couch and our son was penned in his bedroom by the baby gate. Only much later on, after i had kicked hsuband out the second time, did I learn from the neighbors that they could hear my son crying and screaming for daddy for hours on end. My husband was not napping. He was passed out.
AH also later admitted to me when he was on his sporadic "I'm working my AA program better than anyone in the universe" moments, that he would take our son to his friend's house during the day and get high and drunk and then drive home with our son in the car.
There were also times that I stood by while AH was too harsh, yelling and hitting our son, and I was too scared that he would violently turn on me and hurt me that I made only small efforts to intervene.
I cannot forgive myself for that at the moment. I look back on all of that with extreme regret and grief that I didn't kick my husband out at the time. So horribly unfair and cruel to a beautiful little boy. I have a lifetime of amends to my son for what he experienced during that time. I can only say that I did reach a breaking point and moved out with my son for about three months. My husband got sober and started working his AA program again.
My husband has not stayed continuously sober and there have been some very bad, very dark times, but I will never, ever let him do that to us again. And now we have a daughter who managed to avoid all dad's neglect. I seem to be a slow learner but coming on here and reading and posting, i have come to conclusion that as much as i loved my AH, he is going to have to go at some point. I doubt that he is ever going to have long term sobriety. And quite frankly, I am getting too darn old for this crap. I had my son at 40. I really don't want to spend my golden years in fear and loathing of my husband.
Sorry this is long. Hold your son. Cry if you need to for the loss of a relationship that you had hope for but keep coming back here and learning that you are worthy and better than your treatment in what should be a safe haven.
Your mom's house does not sound like it would be a great place either. Call a domestic violence hotline and talk to them about options. No one should have to live with what you are going through. It is scary but sounds like being home is scary enough. The first step is always the hardest.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Please don't be offended. I know it can be hard to see at first but everything here was said out of of love & concern. Every person that took the time to respond to your post is trying to help you see things from a different perspective than the way you have been looking at it. There is a LOT of support here, but the truths can be hard to swallow sometimes too.
There is NO DOUBT in my mind that you adore your son & want nothing more than a happy, healthy future for him. Please stick around & keep reading & posting, we really DO care.
There is NO DOUBT in my mind that you adore your son & want nothing more than a happy, healthy future for him. Please stick around & keep reading & posting, we really DO care.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
[QUOTE=ldaley;4258798]Thanks for the...um....support. I now cannot stop crying because I feel like the most horrible mother on the planet. I didn't know what to do. My son means everything to me!
No no no sweetie. You are a good mother. A bad mother wouldn't wake up after spending a night in hell and take her son to the pumpkin patch. A bad mother wouldn't care enough about her son to reach out to strangers for support.
It's just that on this site, lots of people grew up in alcoholic homes and posts like yours tend to trigger their bad memories of growing up in that environment.
I do think you need to consider leaving. To a shelter if you must, but realize that it wouldn't be forever. Neither would moving in with your mom, although that environment sounds less than ideal, I agree
I lived in the hell you're in. Five years I did it. You are not alone, and you're not the first or only person to be in this situation. It's hard to contemplate leaving, especially when you don't feel like you have a lot of options, but this isn't going to get better, no matter how hard you work at it. Because it's not you. It's him. And you can't change him. You can change your mindset and truly explore your options instead of just resigning yourself to being stuck. I am sending my best wishes to you and your son tonight. May you have a safe and healthy weekend.
No no no sweetie. You are a good mother. A bad mother wouldn't wake up after spending a night in hell and take her son to the pumpkin patch. A bad mother wouldn't care enough about her son to reach out to strangers for support.
It's just that on this site, lots of people grew up in alcoholic homes and posts like yours tend to trigger their bad memories of growing up in that environment.
I do think you need to consider leaving. To a shelter if you must, but realize that it wouldn't be forever. Neither would moving in with your mom, although that environment sounds less than ideal, I agree
I lived in the hell you're in. Five years I did it. You are not alone, and you're not the first or only person to be in this situation. It's hard to contemplate leaving, especially when you don't feel like you have a lot of options, but this isn't going to get better, no matter how hard you work at it. Because it's not you. It's him. And you can't change him. You can change your mindset and truly explore your options instead of just resigning yourself to being stuck. I am sending my best wishes to you and your son tonight. May you have a safe and healthy weekend.
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