isitme

I wrote it out once today, but I think I may need to do it again. I’m just feeling angry, hurt and unhappy. Confused really. It feels like I intellectually know things, but I can’t feel them. I can’t make them truths in my life. I feel like I have some sort of “normal” that I should be looking for. Still approval searching that my choices are ok. (Is that an ACoA thing?)

In my head I know that it’s ok, even healthy for me to take time for myself. But when I do it and it’s questioned, I get immediately defensive. Why do I react that way?

I get so confused. The word twisting makes me insane. Are the words really being twisted? Am I the one taking it out of context? Am I twisting it up? It seems surely no. But then all the little slogans get stuck in my head about projection and mirroring. “If you spot it you got it”- it’s all too much. I feel like I don’t know which way it up. It might be long, but maybe if I lay it out someone from the outside can help me decipher. I keep drawing lines in the sand and I really want this to be the last one.

Let me start with the fact that I realize alcohol is unmanageable for me, personally and on a codie level. I do have the power to say no I don’t want that….

As we sit outside having a drink, he tells me he took the part time job. At the liquor store. Ok, we need the money and actually I’m kind of thankful it will have him out of the house for a while some nights. He visits with a family member for a while, while I mess with the kids dinner and eat a salad.

We go back outside… I proceed to say for the millionth time. I can’t do this outside thing anymore (I have to make this change.. ) I feel neglectful and it’s not right. So I listen to him go on for a while longer and finally say we have to go in. Then it’s listen to this song, or we’re cleaning up, but we’re still together. I’m still listening. But when it’s time for bed, and I grab for my book because I don’t feel like watching the hog catching show, there is this big sigh from him.. I can’t do this anymore. (meaning me reading in bed)

Well I know that means, we've had this argument a lot, a whole lot. Even though he spent the better part of two hours telling me how he wants me to be happy, to do the things I need to do and he’ll do whatever he needs to, to be supportive.. the first second I do something I want (read) it’s thrown in my face. I've been through it enough to know the argument is about me not showing intimacy at bed time. He says we never have time for each other, when is it our time? A valid point, sure. But we've been together in the same room for almost 5 hours. When is my time? When is it acceptable for me to read? But if I state what I think he means by that, then I’m the one always saying everything is about sex when it is not. (he says) But if it’s not about me watching TV with him, and it’s not about me cuddling and having sex, then what exactly is the statement behind “I can’t do this anymore” every time I have a book in the bed? Then he gets on me, because I got defensive about it and says he didn't get defensive when I said I wouldn't sit outside anymore. Well from my point of view.. of course he wouldn't get defensive, I’m not telling him to stop, I said I wouldn't do it. It feels the other way around about the reading. That my actions are causing problems for him.

I know it’s a lot of mumbo jumbo and probably doesn't make much sense. But when this crap happens I just wish I was alone. That I didn't have anyone else’s feelings to tend after, that I didn't constantly worry if what I was doing was ok. I know relationships are work, but I just think we have different ideas about what a “relationship” is. I think the real deal is I want out and I just don’t know how to do it. I don’t want to live under a microscope anymore. I’m tired of feeling guilty about everything. I just wish I had clarity that lasted more than a few days. I realize that this paragraph is probably the only one that matters, it states my answer. But why then do I let myself get sooo confused about all the minute details. Like I need reason to say this is crazy and I’m done? Why do I still need the validation that it's ok to give up if it's not good for me? Why aren't my feelings enough for me to change?

If any of that makes any sense to any of you.. your words of wisdom are welcomed. Thanks..

NeedSomeHappy

You and I - we have a lot in common. Right down to the intimacy and our choices being thrown in our faces....the microscope...the guilt...all of it.

I am still working on codie behavior, and I find myself seeking validation as well that my plan to leave is the right thing. I already KNOW it is...but I still need to hear it. I also suffer from momentary, fleeting bits of clarity. It's maddening, isn't it?

My suggestion to you is to get some distance. You are in the middle of it, so it is hard to see anything clearly. Do you have a friend you can go visit for a few days, or family to go catch up with that will be supportive? Whether he likes your little vacation or not doesn't matter - this is something YOU need, and he will just have to suck it up. So will you...because I imagine the thought of doing something like that - taking a few days for yourself - creates all kinds of knots in your stomach. Is it because you won't be there to meet his every need...or because you have forgotten how to make sure your needs are met? Likely it's a twisted combo of the 2 - it is for me.

Just because I made the decision to leave doesn't mean it is easy. My chest is tight and I feel like the weight of the world is crushing down on me...but I know I can't stay because it will only get worse. I can't say what choices are right for you, but I can tell you that I felt/am feeling the same things, and you are not alone! ((hug)) Feel free to pm me anytime if you think I can be of help...I will do my very best.

I stand by the distance though - I believe that will be the best way for you to get more of the clarity you are desperately seeking.

ladyscribbler

I didn't realize how much I was stifling myself in a doomed effort to appease my AB until I was out of the house for a "temporary" separation this past summer. Once you're out of that bell jar atmosphere, you realize how you've minimized your needs and prioritized the A's happiness (that being relative, in my case happiness was more like lack of anger and violence, when he was just moody) over your own and your children's. I had to leave because my home environment was unsafe for me and my kids. I did go back for a couple of weeks, but he was right back to drinking and by the end of the first week he was on a full speed bender.
If you need permission to do things like read in bed in your own home- I Ladyscribbler hereby declare that you are allowed to read in bed whenever you want. A's are always going to find a reason to be unhappy. I'm sure he'll find something else to complain about.
As for the liquor store job. Sorry, I got a tiny chuckle out of that. at least he won't have to go far to spend his paycheck. Does he get an employee discount? Mine actually tried to get a job bartending part time at the dive bar up the street from our house. They declined to hire him, being the sort of discriminating establishment that has a shooting or stabbing in the bar precints at least once a month- he just wasn't classy enough, which they knew because they'd seen him drink there.
Hang in there and take care of yourself and those kids. I'm rooting for you.

isitme

Thanks Ladies I did exactly what I needed to do and took my butt to a meeting. I even finally asked someone to be my sponsor. I'm dreadfully behind in my work today, so this one will be short LOL. But thank you sooo much, from the bottom of my heart for weeding through that junk for me.