prettyvacant

Hi,
This is my first post here. I am writing about my boyfriend. We have been together for a year in a half and have been living together for the past 6 months. Since the start of our relationship I had concerns about his use of alcohol. It was hard for me at the start of our relationship because I had been single for a long time and the last boyfriend I had was mentally ill. So when I started dating my current boyfriend I felt like I was looking for things run with him-reasons to run away. I smelled alcohol on him a few times, and a few times he acted a bit strange and I didn't know why. But then we would spend time together and he wouldn't drink-wouldn't smell of alcohol or anything. We'd go out and he'd maybe have one beer but wouldn't bindge drink or anything so I thought it was okay.

Throughout the time we were dating we texted eachother a lot. I'd often get weird random texts from him in the middle of the night...and I thought well, that's just him..he's like that. As our relationship progressed we would have the odd argument like most couples do. I realized a little while ago that most of these arguments have occured when he's been drinking. Once I started to live with him I saw that the things like the wierd texts and the arguments where because of him drinking (it was the same behavior). I think it has been hard to see it because he doesn't act like the typical drunk person...he doesn't really stagger or slur his speech etc. I just found early on when I thought something was up with him that he would repeat himeslf a lot and would seem "slow".

He doesn't drink everyday. He only drinks beer and doesn't do any drugs. He tends to leave beer bottles out around the house so I can tell how many he drank. Lately it's about 12-14 bottles (Canadian beer too...so 5.6%). He drinks like this at least 2 days a week, sometimes 4, mainly on weekends. On Sundays (our only day off together) he will start drinking around 11am. He won't eat most of the day. Sometimes on his day off I come home from work and he's drunk. He tries to do stuff around the house and messes things up.

He did drugs in his teens and suffered abuse and difficult family stuff as a child and teen. We are in our mid-30s now and want to have a family, but I know right now I can't do that. He is a functioning alcoholic I guess. He's always held down a job and has always worked hard.

My biggest concern is the way he gets sometimes when he's been drinking. He told me that he was arrested once for domestic violence-he did not hit or threaten his ex but he threw stuff around the house and she got scared and called the police (Ontario has very strict domestic violence laws and you can get arrested for that here). He went through counselling after that. He did mention a simiar incident with another ex too, but wasn't arrested for that one. Of course part of me wonders if he did hit his ex....who really knows. But the reality is he's gotten really angry a few times and thrown stuff around. It has never been to the point that I was fearing my safety, and trust me, if I ever feel that he could hurt me I would call the police. I just worry that it will get worse. His anger is not usually from something I did-it's almost always because of something with his family. But then he takes it out on me. He only does this when he's been drinking.

I have spoken to him about his drinking, though I don't think I have really had an indepth conversation about it. He closes off when I try to talk about it. The other night he acted like a jerk and yelled at me and threw stuff around the house then went to bed. I was already gone to work when he got up (we work different schedules). He texted me to apologize. He said he would lay off the drinking. But then last night...he started drinking when he got home and drank about 12 bottles of beer. He wasn't a jerk this time. But he still drank.

So. I know I need to talk to him. I just don't know how. I know I need to use "I" statements and not accuse him of things and not label him. I know that drinking isn't just a thing people do-at least not happy people. I know he's stressed out, I know his family gets to him. I am trained in counselling but I can't get him to talk to me. I worry often that this will end our relationship. I worry that it will get worse and I will be in relationship with an alchololic with children and will be stuck. I worry the anger he shows will get bad some day and he will hurt me. I know if I was looking at my situation outside of myself I would say leave him. But it's not that simple when you love someone and when you have put a lot of time and effort into your new home and made it a nice place.

So, I don't know what to do. I realize now it's not something I can ignore. It's bothered me for a long time. It's difficult to talk to people about it. I don't want my mom knowing about it and she's who I usually talk to.

Thanks for listening.

Hammer

Read your own post again.

You already know that you already know.

I guess your mom would know, too, and that is why you do not want to talk to her?

So sorry for you.

Best to you on your journey ahead.

NeedSomeHappy

You mentioned your home is a nice place...but it doesn't sound to me as though it is a nice place that also feels like a home. Home is the place you should feel the safest. I can't imagine you feel safe with him there.

I agree with Hammer too....you already know what you already know. Deep down, you know the truth. What you do with that knowledge is up to you.

blake1989

Hey prettyvacant. I could almost have written this about my girlfriend. I just wanted to thank you for sharing. I have all the worries you have and I am going through similar things you describe, and it's heartbreaking. What really resonated for me is that like him, my girlfriend has a history of childhood abuse and it is extremely difficult to get her to talk about anything, or address anything. By 'anything', I don't mean the abuse (that's off limits unless she is on a binge and starts crying about it). I mean things that happened recently between us, things she said, relationship things that I believe couples could communicate about and rectify handily. She has had problems being violent while drinking in the past as well. She has never been this way to me, but just recently blacked out and didn't know who I was, so in an effort to protect herself in this unknowing state, threatened to hit me. She cried about it the next day. When I found this forum, it was very hard for me to accept or process when people told me alcoholism is a progressive disease. Like you, I ask myself will it get worse. It is a very painful place and I feel for you.

Tuffgirl

Yes, you would say that to anyone else. And you know all of us here will tell you pretty much the same. He's on a path of self destruction. Do you want to be on that path too?

Here's a way to make it far more simple. Love yourself more.

I know it sucks. But is this the kind of life you envision for yourself and any future children? There are many men out there who don't have addictions and mental illnesses. Trust me, they are out there and they are so much nicer to have a relationship with.

Peace,
~T

NWGRITS

One thing I know for certain is that alcoholism is progressive, and so is physical abuse. There really is no such thing as a functioning alcoholic. Those are just As in the earlier stages of the disease. Without hitting bottom, the disease will take over and they will cease to function as a seemingly normal person to the outside world. Likewise, with physical abuse, if he will throw things around the house, it's only a matter of time before he throws something at you. And then you become the object hitting the wall. That was the point I left my abusive relationship (after five years of NO signs of physical abuse, it escalated in a matter of weeks after we became engaged). Honestly, you are in danger here, whether you see it or not. Is your life really worth not wanting to hurt his feelings? We have a saying around here, Let Go or Be Dragged. And he will drag you straight to hell.

Ruby2

You are not married and have no kids. One word of advice from someone who has been through the mill over and over againwith a charming but sometimes violent alcoholic/addictl-DO NOT have kids together. Not now. And not if he doesn't get sober and STAY sober for OVER a year. And take care of yourself. You may have invested 1.5 years of your life in this but what about those of us with 9 years or more of this? Do you really want to go through this for an entire decade and nothing gets better? The constant fear and insecurity?

If you want a glimpse of your future if you stay with this guy, read the "quacks" and "what normies don't know." You may think that none of us will understand how special this guy is, or how you really feel, that you really love him, or that you fixed the place up just right, but believe me, we are all here for the same reason and if we have not seen exactly the same thing, we have darn sure seen something close. We all love or loved our partner. We all had love and hope and dreams which shattered. Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly.

I would have tossed the world aside for my husband. He was exciting and charming and sexy and made me laugh. No one could tell me any different. and he had troubles that only the love of a good woman could solve. a bunch of b.s. his lines of "we were meant to be together forever. i've never loved anyone more than you." all are shite. he told me that as he was trying to get money to buy booze and drugs.

As i write, right now, my husband, who in the past has pledged that he would quit forever, never again.. etc., etc.. but in the past has thrown keys at the wall enough to make a dent, who kicked in my front door so I had a board In place to secure it, threatened to break my nose " you c$nt"; who pawned his and my wedding rings, every single power tool we had and all the nice jewelry he bought me while we were "in love", and who screamed at our son that he wasn't his effing son, is probably out on a bender. Left his cell phone home when he "desperately" needed it for work. I am right now sitting at home with our two children not knowing where husband is. Not knowing whether he is going to be home tonight. Knowing that if he does actually come home that he will lay in bed comatose for two days while I care for everything and yell at us to shut up if we are loud and then when he feels like appearing will emerge in the guise of "super daddy" all benevolence and smiles. Have not heard from him all day. Hoping, actually, that he won't come home now or ever. Really. It is so much easier when you know you have to depend on yourself than to think you can depend on the other person and cannot and are disappointed.

Read your own post and ask if you would want your sister, your cousin, aunt, child to be with this man. When you are five/six months pregnant and are walking the floors at four, five six a.m., worried sick about where he is and what he is doing.

Ruby2

Oh, and I felt bad for my husband. Terrible childhood. Parents divorced. Father a raging alcoholic. Mother not quite all there. Probably an alcoholic. Left AH alone all the time while she chased men and a heroin high. Does NOT excuse his crap now.

theseithakas

Hi pretty vacant,
I too have an alcoholic boyfriend who has been working on his recovery on for a year. It hasn't been easy, and I've often doubted his commitment to his sobriety. He's relapsed several times. We've been together for nearly two years. At this point, I'm not ready to leave, though I will say that I have a plan in place and have started working towards more financial security so I have extra money if I need it. I've made it clear that I won't even entertain the idea of marriage until he's been sober for a year or more. Who knows if that day will ever come.

I'm a firm believer that you should leave when and if you're ready, but there are some red flags raised by your story. I'm afraid that your bf sounds abusive - definitely emotionally abusive and very near physically abusive too. I hope you have a safe place and plan for when things escalate, because it sounds like that is a likelihood.

Please take care of yourself and reflect on whether or not you want to stay with this man if he won't make any effort to get sober. I'm learning the hard way that people are who they are and not who we wish they were. It sounds obvious and silly, but love can really be blinding sometimes.

prettyvacant

Thanks everyone for your replies. I haven't had the "big" talk with him about it. I elude to it. I make comments or texts but I haven't sat down and said what I really feel and how it is effecting me. I know I have to.
Anyway, Thanks
PV

doggonecarl

What do you hope to accomplish with this "talk" you are going to have? Is it your hope that your boyfriend will tell you that you are absolutely right, will acknowledge that he has a problem with alcohol, and will promise to quit drinking?

What are you going to do when this doesn't happen?

As the "A" in my marriage, I didn't talk about my drinking either. Or if we did, I deflected it. Then I took to hiding my drinking so we didn't have to talk about it. I got sober when I realized I had a problem, not because my wife pointed it out to me.

Have the converstation, if only to come to a better understanding about how little control you have over your bf's drinking. The only person you can help is you.

whiskeyman

The most important thing you can do in this situation is NOT HAVE CHILDREN.
please dont bring a child into this situation. i know at the time you will think that will make him better, but that wont do it. He wont quit even for the sake of his children.
I didnt.

He needs to detox, rehab and then AA as aftercare for continuing a life change.
and you can go to Al-Anon

If you suggest these things and he doesnt agree, you must decide if you are okay with this for the rest of your life. if you are fine but dont bring children into it.

If not please find another boyfriend, there are lots out there, and you deserve to be treated as a royal.

PS, and he is mentally ill as well, dont forget that part.

Hammer

Carl and Whiskey -- (and other A's who stop and post)

THANK YOU So Much for your inputs on these matters.

God Bless and All The Best to You and Yours.

honeypig

prettyvacant, you say that you worry that it will get worse. Stop worrying. KNOW that it will get worse. Alcoholism is a progressive disease. It will not get better on its own, only worse.

I see you're new on the forum, and I'd encourage you to read as much as you possibly can here. Don't miss the stickies at the top of the page. Educating yourself about what is going on and what to expect as time passes is going to be very important as you try to figure out your path.

I'd also strongly suggest you look into Alanon. SR is a wonderful place, lots of help and support here, but it's important to have that same help and support in the real world too. http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/ Here's a link to help you find a meeting. I like to use both SR and Alanon for the strong points of each.

Others have mentioned that you can't control or change your A, only yourself, and that's so true. Alanon can help you with that realization and much more. You can search the forum for threads about Alanon also to give you an idea of how going to meetings and reading the literature can help.

Allow yourself some time to take in all this new information. As others have said, it sounds like you know, deep down, what's going on, and that it's not right. Now you need to call it by its right name, realize what it means and make a decision as to what you are going to do. As you read and post (and hopefully attend Alanon meetings), you'll start to see more clearly.

Florence

We had a lot of talks, and he made a lot of promises. He even followed through on his promises... for awhile. Eventually what happened is he pretended to be in recovery, but drank behind my back. My pleading and nagging just drove his habits (more) underground.

The idea that he's an alcoholic that needs recovery not only needs to "come from him," but it needs to be something he knows so bone deep that recovery is the only thing preventing him from ruining his entire life. Seriously. Not being dramatic. My experience is that a lot of these conversations and waiting and seeing are delaying the inevitable -- not to say that you shouldn't say your piece, you should, but you should expect little from him. And then be pleasantly surprised when/if he follows through.

It sounds like you know what you should do, but you want to feel it out and make sure. As long as your financial and emotional well-being aren't in the lurch, go for it, I guess. But like others said, now that you know he's an alcoholic and you've put a name to it, he's not someone you marry or have kids with. If you want kids and marriage, well, right now you just have to deal with the discomfort of a break-up. All things considered, it's not that bad.

My hope for you, and for everyone who comes to this site, is that we figure out how we got entangled in relationships with unavailable people and find our what's broken in us so we can stop this pattern. You've made a connection between this guy and your mentally ill ex. I, too, realized that my dating history is pretty dire on the mental health front, and I'm trying to change my life so I can have a relationship with someone who is nice, and also stable and sober. I want to be with someone capable of returning my love at full capacity, and who will be there for me when the chips are down. I will no longer be in a relationship with someone who needs to be high to squarely face the world.

A red flag for me in your post was that he leaves bottles out so you know how much he's drinking. A gentle suggestion that this may be what he wants you to think and not totally reflective of how much he's drinking.

Hammer

THAT is pretty hawt.

Not hitting on you, even a little -- just letting you know.

THAT is pretty hawt.

Some Lucky Guy. You will find him.