MissFixit

one day at a time is how it starts and remains, but after a while it gets so much easier.
year 1- alanon and therapy weekly, anti-depreesants and benzos for panic attacks
year 2- alanon occassionally and started new and forgotten hobbies, made new friends
year 3- started dating someone new who is kinda healthy, shocker!!!
year 4- feeling better about me respecting MY own boundaries and dont expext others to do that for me
year 5- very grateful for not being in that anymore and NO desire to get back into anything resembling that personally or professionally

with all that i still have moments of being pissed but they are few and far between couple times per year, literally. i did lose my sympathy for him though.

there is a phrase that i used to repeat daily the first year, it is something like:
"there are no victims only volunteers." that phase made me mad years ago, but it doesn't now. very simple, direct and matter of fact.

keep venting and taking care of you.

brightstar43

MissFixit,
Hi I'm attending al anon and on an antidepressant and also have a supply of diazepam. I suffered from anxiety years ago really badly and it has came back a few times. I have worries at the moment, panicking about my health, what if I die, really gloomy thoughts all part of the anxiety I feel about the relationship. I'm waiting to attend cbt therapy to help with this. It's the realisation that they don't really give a sh** about you that really baffles me. How could you treat someone this way and on and on obsessing. I've started some hobbies again and do ok until I have contact with him. He steals my soul and takes all my energy for himself don't even know if he's aware he does that?

MissFixit

i dont know if he knows that he takes your energy. the world is big and there are lots of selfish aholes but he is sick too.

my question would be why do you keep giving yourself to someone who hurts you and brings out the worst?

brightstar43

Yes. I've looked at that. Old FOO issues is one answer to that; alcoholic father and emotionally unavailable mother. I've been told in therapy it's like your getting your needs met in a familiar way. Well I don't want that life script I want so much more than this constant pain inside of me. The mire I was around him the more starved I felt of genuine warmth and care. It seems all so superficial now. I'm angry at him and angry at myself too thinking what's wrong with me? Instead if slapping him the other night I should just gave slapped my own face to knock some sense into me! I was shouting at him how dare you treat me like this? Who do you think you are??...I should have looked into the mirror and shouted the same to myself. It's so warped and twisted. He just acted like everything was normal fell fast asleep and I'm left with insomnia. It's mental

spiderqueen

I would say you've hit your bottom. It's a good sign that you are sick of your OWN behavior - it's the only thing you ever could control in the equation.

Your work is cut out for you. It's time to face yourself. It is scary, I know; but not nearly as scary as watching your own morals and behavior erode until you no longer recognize yourself.

As others have said, you have become ill, too. It will take time to detox and heal, and forgive yourself. Take all the time you need!

brightstar43

spiderqueen I do so hope that this is my bottom. I have too much to lose in this. I just started back work after being off with stress and depression and can't afford to go off again.im doing a counselling skills course at uni too which I love. The advantages of staying away from him far outweigh any benefits for staying. I'm taking it a day at a time to get my emotional strength back after the events of Fri. Thank you so much for your support

amy55

brightstar,
I will he here to hold you when you fall, if you need me. I will stand with you when you can't stand by yourself. One day you will come to love yourself, and you will no that you can do it on your own.

I needed a lot of help from people, I needed a lot of encouragement. Just know that you can do this. Learn to love yourself, and until you do, know that I will be there to love you.

You are a special person. You have a heart, you have a soul. You are compassionate, and empathetic. You are a terrific person.

Thank you for sharing with us.

nbay2013

Whoa! It amazing to me, after all the reading and work I have done, that something like this poster you saw, can hit me so hard with it's truth. So simple; I should have it tattoo on me. Damn!

amy55

No mentally healthy men do not abuse alcohol, nor do they abuse someone they say that they love.

nbay2013

brightstar43; In reading your posts you seem like a very intelligent, kind, person with tons of empathy and unfortunately a difficult upbringing. And this is just to point out that no matter how smart and educated we are, we are all subject to being broken down in an alcoholic relationship. The intermittent crazy making behavior of the A, along with patterns of behavior we might be used to in our upbringing is a dangerous and toxic combination. I have NEVER felt such longing for my EX-AB in my life. It hurt to breath, it hurt to sleep, it hurt to wake up. Not even for the father of my daughter did I have those feelings. I am almost three months NO CONTACT!!! The first six weeks were just awful. But it does get better, much better. I promise you. However, the only way I was able to do this was no contact. My Ex-AB did me a favor and dropped me and has not contacted me since. It scares me to think I might still be off and on with him had he not dropped me.

People here gave suggestions how to help with no contact. #1: Block his number #2 Have his email forwarded somewhere else #3 Remove his phone number from your cell #4: Tell him you demand zero contact.

This is all to protect you and help you heal.

I am so proud of you that you wrote about this here. It is people like you that make this forum so safe for people like me.

Hugs and love to you

Carrie

brightstar43

Nbay

Thanks for your pits your so kind. I have been no contact since Saturday and must say I'm doing good at present but this is what I find, it's maintaining the no contact indefinitely that I have failed before in and went back to him. If I had been stronger I would be at the 3 month mark by now .. I liken it to addiction he us my drug of choice. I worked my first 12 hour shift today since returning from being off sick for 4 months and boy am I tired tonight actually too tired to think much about him. I've got a busy day tomorrow too and then go to uni Thurs night, am starting a dance class tom night. Part of reinventing myself. The key is to make plans and pick things that you really enjoy doing and trying new stuff too.
I'm determined to create a new life fir myself....life's too short to put up with all the lies, manipulation and craziness

NeedSomeHappy

Good for you Brightstar!!!