ccalhoun71

So, I have read here a lot, but never taken the step to post. Perhaps I am doing this to vent as much as I am for looking for some insight. Bare with me, this may ramble.

I started my relationship with a young lady about 4 years ago. We started seeing each other before our current marriages were over. I mistake I regret. Early I started to notice she drank.....a lot, but it was never around me in excess. I have never been a drinker much and I really didn't understand this beast. Our relationship was intense. For the first several years of our relationship, it was long distant.

I had never been with a woman who understood me so well, seemed to care for me and made me feel alive. As time went on, there were several transgressions on her part. Each time, there was tearful remorse and each time, I went back.

She eventually got her second DUI while driving up one day to see me. She was sentenced to probation and had to enter rehab. Over the next year, she was in and out of 3 different facilities. The drinking got worse. The transgressions happened again. In fact, the night before I was supposed to take she and her kids to a football game, I walked in on her with someone else. A tense situation to say the least.

By this time, she had been charged with a parole violation and was looking at 60 days in jail. She said, "I'm done. I can't do this" and entered a 30 day program. She got out, went into a 3/4 way house, found a good job and moved to where I was. Things were going well.

Then 6 months in, she relapsed. The fights began again, threats, munipulation....all of it. It was always bargaining....."If you do THIS I'll stop drinking." The bar kept getting moved. While this was going on, I went to Alanon. Frankly, it wasn't a fit for me. I later met a guy at an AA meeting when I would go with my gf. We really clicked. I asked him if he would take me through the steps because I WAS powerless over alcohol.....my gfs. Currently on step 5

I feel I have given and given and given. The bar keeps getting raised. I NEVER do enough (despite taking her kids to school, cleaning up when they get sick, cooking dinners for everyone and the list goes on) The constant comments I hear are "I don't have a partner. You are never here." To a point, she is telling the truth. I DON"T go around her when she is drinking. I WON"T have her around my kids when she is drinking. When I have my kids, I want them (she and her kids) to be around, but my kids are my priority.

She twists my words and I feel like a POS. I feel like she is pissed is she isn't the ONLY priority in my life. That the world must revolve around HER. I admit, I am far from perfect, but I like to think I am a decent guy. I have been there for her when no one else was.

Finally, two nights ago, I drew a line in the sand. She has been pressuring me to move in together and I said, "As long as you are actively using, that is not going to happen. So if you want to use, this is as good as its going to get. I want a future with you, I want to grow old with you, but I am not letting that monster in my house." Her complaint was that I didn't make her feel desired or sexy, despite the fact that 5 days prior in a drunken rage, she said, "Tomorrow I will start finding someone to replace you. Replacing you is actually quite easy." She later apologized, but those words have stung and cut to the bone. I feel like I am in a verbally abusive relationship.

Last night, I caught her in another lie. I checked her phone records and she has been texting with another guy. When I confronted her, she tried to turn it on me. When I said, "I don't trust you when you are in your alcoholic mindset" she said I was the one with control issues. I'm not sure if I have control issues or I am just going crazy out of my mind because there is no logic in any of this and I feel like I am in the twilight zone. She swore at me and hung up the phone. I proceeded to block her number.

The issue is, I feel like S**T! Logic and my head tells me run, do not pass go. I am dealing with a very sick person, who is verbally abusive and perhaps BPD. It still doesnt take away the fact that I love her, I want a future with what I know she can be and my heart hurts. 4 years of sticking by her, putting up with her crap and I am easily tossed to the side.

So, that's my story. I don't know if anyone else has had similar experience, but I'm a wreck right now. Hoping to meet with my sponsor tonight. Any thoughts, suggestions or words of wisdom are welcomed.

befuddled1

Hello and welcome. I'm new myself here and first posted for similar reasons. Someone with much more experience will be along shortly, in the meantime do what I was advised and read the stickies at the top - a godsend in information, realising youre not insane or unique in this situation and some tips on coping or dealing with alcoholism. I hope your situation improves in that YOU get some peace of mind whichever route you choose.

NeedSomeHappy

The thing is...do you love her the way she is right now? Do you accept that this is the way she is RIGHT NOW, and will possibly be for the foreseeable future? Is that the future you want, for yourself and your kids? You can't hang your hat on what you "know she can be." That is out of your hands. Who she is right now is who you must accept and deal with.

My heart hurts for you...please re-read this post as though you were reading something your brother, son, or best friend had written. What would you suggest for them?

Please remember that it isn't your fault...you didn't cause it, can't cure it, can't control it. Try to take a step back...you don't deserve the verbal abuse, and your children certainly don't deserve it either. ((hug)) Take care of yourself and the kids...that is what is most important.

forworse

Welcome. I know this situation all too well as I am living it. My wife hasn't gotten arrested and is currently in her second 28 day program that has turned into 35 days. Add the two baker acts and we have 4 substance related visits to medical facilities this year. The lies, manipulation, deceit, etc are all common symptoms of the disease...add rationalization and blame. I had to set the boundary that at this point I don't know if I want to stay married even though she is in rehab. I told her in session just that and told her I needed to be convinced that she was putting her everything into recovery or we are done. I didn't tell her to stop drinking, merely that I wouldn't be around for rehab #3. I am as sick and tired of dealing with someone elses crappy decisions as the next guy/gal. I am also in Al Anon as well as see a therapist and go to support groups. I do get a little resentful at the fact that not only am I taking care of everything on the home front but now I need recovery too. I feel like a better person after all the work I have done and am ready for an awesome life whether its with or without her. I too am accused of control. Its all just a blahblahblah quack when they are active. petty excuses abound...you have to do whats right for you brother and decide what you want. I have made my decision and I'm married. No more games, no more BS for me. I feel like I have done more than enough and if she doesn't figure it out, its not my problem anymore. I know i sound a little harsh but my decision is I will not live like this the rest of my life. I am a good person and a good catch and I know it. I won't be her victim anymore. Best wishes for you and your sitch and hope you can find peace.

fluffyflea

Alcoholism is aan absolute nightmare,alcoholism and BPD,forget it,run and never look back. Your life will be absolute hell even more than it is now.

Hammer

Earthworm is correct.

This all smacks of Borderline Personality Disorder.

Do you know what that is?

The early stuff you described is called "mirroring," part of how they suck you in. It was never real.

Personality Disorders are not uncommon as an underlying issue for long-term A's with Mental Illness (the A portion is an attempt to self-medicate the Personality Disorder).

Background yourself a little bit here >>>>

Borderline Personality Disorder - Support group for families and relationship partners

And THEN . . . RUN.

fluffyflea

[


I educated myself about BPD then I RAN.

They will drag you down,eat you up and spit you out.




QUOTE=Hammer;4245883]Earthworm is correct.

This all smacks of Borderline Personality Disorder.

Do you know what that is?

The early stuff you described is called "mirroring," part of how they suck you in. It was never real.

Personality Disorders are not uncommon as an underlying issue for long-term A's with Mental Illness (the A portion is an attempt to self-medicate the Personality Disorder).

Background yourself a little bit here >>>>

Borderline Personality Disorder - Support group for families and relationship partners

And THEN . . . RUN.[/QUOTE]

ccalhoun71

Thank you for the posts. I have read up on BPD. I also know enough about alcoholics. That is the bitch of it all. It could go either way. But I guess it is the old chicken and egg thing. Even as I write this, I think she is with another guy. It's ripping my guts out! Talk about feeling worthless. I'm kind of on an emotional roller coaster right now. Bouncing back and forth from I hurt, to "that frigging bitch" to I'm ok. Like I said, I'M the one who feels crazy and she seems cold as ice. Like the Big Book says.....we deal with alcohol....powerful, cunning and baffling. It's just hard right now. You have someone tell you enough times "You're the problem" you really begin to believe it.

pinkdog

Hi ccalhoun, welcome.

suki44883

Your kids. That should be your main concern. Is this woman someone you want your kids to spend time around?

She sounds extremely unstable. If one of your kids came to you as an adult and explained to you that they were in this kind of relationship, what would you tell them?

Hammer

Well you really DO NOT want this back in your life . . . Do You?

forworse

Thanks Hammer. Just read up on BPD. A lot of the behavior is there and I had no idea this could be part of it. Already emailed one of the therapists we are working with the question... Is this a possibility for Mrs worse? Or is this behavior simply part of years of substance abuse? Didn't get too far past the symptoms. Is there hope with professional help?

Hammer

It is grim. Most BPD's do not want to consider it, especially if they know what it is.

Most T's are Very Reluctant to even breath the words -- because the clients tend to react poorly, and in many cases Insurance will not cover it, as it is a Long Term Personality Disorder with no direct cures.

Whether the behaviors are from the substance abuse, or if the substance abuse is part of the cover, have to say those discussions get pretty long winded and it depends on whether you are talking to "Addiction Folks," Shrinks, or folks like me with a background in Brain Hardware.

From my perspective it all seems tie right around a dysfunction in a part of the brain -- all centered around the Amygdala.

Amygdala - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

That is what the fMRI Brain Scans have shown again and again for the specific testing of related symptoms.

Current Best Practice is called DBT --

DBT Therapy | Dialectical Behavior Therapy

Dialectical behavior therapy - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Covered Borderline in detail here >>>

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...er-thread.html

And went over it some here >>>

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...t-me-well.html

forworse

Thanks again for the info. Will do my dd with those links. Seems it comes down to the chicken or the egg question. One I've asked several times in group...is she acting this way BC of the addiction or is she an addict because of the way she acts...she's sober now for 33 days and I've seen improvement but realizing there are many more issues than the addiction.

fluffyflea

[


By staying you are giving away all your power to her.

Why do you need or want this person abusing you?








QUOTE=ccalhoun71;4246492]Thank you for the posts. I have read up on BPD. I also know enough about alcoholics. That is the bitch of it all. It could go either way. But I guess it is the old chicken and egg thing. Even as I write this, I think she is with another guy. It's ripping my guts out! Talk about feeling worthless. I'm kind of on an emotional roller coaster right now. Bouncing back and forth from I hurt, to "that frigging bitch" to I'm ok. Like I said, I'M the one who feels crazy and she seems cold as ice. Like the Big Book says.....we deal with alcohol....powerful, cunning and baffling. It's just hard right now. You have someone tell you enough times "You're the problem" you really begin to believe it.[/QUOTE]

NYCDoglvr

IF your best friend or brother told you this story, what would your advice be? If you don't trust or respect her what do you have? I hope you accept her as she is and let her go...now the focus must be on you and your recovery. Alcoholics are addicted to booze and also other people (so we don't have to look at ourselves). Alcohol hurt you but you kept drinking (until you stopped). She's hurting you too but you keep going back for more......I hope you get away.

It helps to have a sponsor and go to lots of meetings.

NYCDoglvr

Active alcoholism, with the emotional volatility, does mimic BPD. The difference is when the alcoholic stops drinking and gets into recovery the emotional volatility declines and eventually stops. I'm a recovering alcoholic (22 years in recovery) I described early recovery as similar to 24/7 PMS in a full moon. But by 90 days I was much calmer. I suffer from depression but never BPD.

Here's a big difference. Most people with BPD can have a drink or two. Alcoholics can't stop, have no control over the quantity they consume and what happens. However, most alcoholics also suffer from other mental illnesses, especially depression and bipolar disorder.

Hammer

True dat. And Alcohol is usually just one exposed part the "iceberg" of boatload of issues around many BPDs.

In the case of Mrs. Hammer the list includes: In and out of T since 11 years old, Alcohol, Drugs, Psych Meds, Self-Injury, Eating Disorder, now a Compulsive Lying addiction, on and on.

Although generally, Mrs. Hammer ONLY Self-IDs as an Alcoholic and NEVER as BPD or even BPD Traits.

It is all a twisted, mixed up and confusing world.

But as the AA Big Book say in opening of Chapter 5, How It Works . . ..

-------------------------------

RARELY HAVE we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves. There are such unfortunates. They are not at fault; they seem to have been born that way. They are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty. Their chances are less than average. There are those, too, who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest.

ccalhoun71

Thank you all for your respones. Today, inside, it has been very up and very down. I am going through a range of emotions from very sad to very angry to even the messed up, "You know, if I did THIS, everything would be ok." I have had to stop myself from texting her. I stop, take a breath and close my eyes trying to remember the hellish part of the relationship. That usually works, but the anxiety and pain return. I LITERALLY have to say, with every minute I am one step closer to freedom and to go back or try and get back now would be 1000 step backwards. I have read so much on verbal abuse and BPD it isn't funny. I can see myself and our relationship in it. I know in my head what to do, but the heart is a powerful thing. I miss her terribly. My kids miss her and I don't have the heart to tell them what is going on. I just say, "She's busy tonight." Eventually they will figure it out. I hate this disease. With every ounce of my body. I watched my mom die of cancer and this is a million times worse. I try and remember that it will get better with time. I packed all her stuff from my house, took down pictures and it is all sitting in a box. I hated rolling over in the morning and seeing a picture of us on the nightstand, happy and "in love." Like I said, my head and logic know what it going on. I pray constantly for the desire and the pain to end. I know God's plan for me is far more that what I could have ever imagined. I just need to believe it.

Hammer

Truth is, even when it is getting better -- it aint always better.

Maybe look up some of "crazed" old threads on here for that perspective.

He will not let his "her" go.

In your case, consider she was running around on her ex when she did the same with you.

need that Roy Clark song?

Roy Clark "Thank God And Greyhound" - YouTube

We will hum along.