Teddy17

Hi Singledad, I've just posted on a new thread, (you may want to look at it'Revisiting after 7 years'), after being in exactly exactly the same position as you but a few years ago. Keep strong, you are doing the right thing.

lillamy

I think she knows what to do, and I think you are absolutely right in that you have to focus on the kids. BUT don't forget yourself. Like you, I have three kids. I'm just about to go out the door to go see my therapist right now and you know what her biggest piece of advice is? Take care of yourself. It's like the advice they give you in airplanes with the oxygen -- put on your own mask before helping others.

We've never lived anywhere where there's been an Alateen group, so my kids have been working with counselors since I left their father. All I can say is that the patience I grew being married to an alcoholic is being exercised in the process of the kids finding their footing. Parenting isn't easy; parenting children who have grown up with an alcoholic is harder; but single parenting is way, way, way easier than parenting together with an alcoholic. In my mind.

fourmaggie

KEEP IT SIMPLE....for you and your kids...ignore ALOT...because ACTIONS speak louder than WORDS...

Hammer

A+

And being natural co-de-s -- It also gives *us* A Good Why.

I am not really joking when I tell the kids that Alanon is the "The Good Daddy Club," for ME -- THAT is the "why" I go even when I do not want to go.

There has GOT to be (at least) One Good Parent, and with Mrs. Hammer not always on Top of Things (and neither am I all the time), I have to keep myself at the best.

CentralOhioDad

That's the part I struggle with EVERY day - the 'taking care of me' part. "Me" always falls after (no particular oder): work, son, house, laundry, bills, cooking, cleaning, 10 other things, and then "ME". Hence, my signature!

smtowngirl

SingleDad, If your oldest is like mine, she is probably mad as heck, She has been let down to many times and is done, just like you. Yuu are doing the right thing. Stop letting your active alcoholic hurt your kids.

SingledadPolo73

OMG...You are so right about how mad she is...a couple of hours ago, she asked me a question I had issues answering without being mean..."If Mum loves so much and she knows that when she drinks, she hates me...why does she drink to hate me?"

smtowngirl

I just realized this for myself a bit ago....it was a painful wake up call, but I needed it, I will try to help her all I can, and part of this was changing our situtation.
My AH is moving out his weekend OUr other childern (boys) are only 8 and 6 so while they are younger I know it is still affecting them.... but not like my 13 year old, she is one angry kid!

SingledadPolo73

Hi Everyone, I have been pretty busy trying to figure things out and reading all the posts on this site, I totally forgot to update what was happening with me.
The journey has produced lots of downs and hardly any ups. But to summarize:
AW moved out of town, tried kidnapping the girls (I mentioned in my other threads), threatened the hell out of me but didnt let that intimidate me, even though, there were some really hard threats!
She has been drinking but totally denies it. Claims she is attending TWO different therapies but cant talk about it...
She visited us 2 weeks ago for the 1st time in 2 months. Spent the day with us, she was sober and tried convincing the girls to spend xmas with her, but they said no. My 10yr old cried when she left and like myself saw an ounce of the old person I married. My daughter was really hopeful and AW promised NEVER to dissappoint them again and that she would prove she is fighting for them. I have to admit, I was touched and sad...maybe there was hope?
During the past 2 months, I met with school psychologists, discussed especially my 14yr olds situation. Her grades dropped and AW could see her grades online and ofcourse is planning to use that in court. The motivation for my daughter was that she wanted to prove to AW that moving in to me actually improved her grades. I have had to re-learn algebra and organic chemistry.... 14yr old was diagnosed with depression but has improved amazingly with therapy and us being a FAMILY. I dont lie to them when AW calls, they ask if she had been drinking.
A big downer was last night. After a few days of silence, AW texxts me saying she has heart problems and is being rushed to hospital. she then texts the girls telling them the same thing and that she loves them all including me...??? A funny thing is that I just fixed my 10yr olds ipad after the screen cracked and we noticed that all AW's text messages from and to iphones came onto her ipad. Long story, anyhow, turns out that while she texted us about how she probably had a heart attack, she was texting people with stuff like "whats up", "when r u going to visit", etc...Then I got a text from my MOm in law saying that her heart problem was all my fault, threatening me if anything happened to her...I just ignored the message.
My girls are extrememly brave and supportive to each other which is such a blessing for me, but I cant help the ANGER and how helpless I feel.
Ofcourse AW keeps posting about the kind of monster I am for taking the kids from her and now that I can see her messages, she just told a friend that I was buying her a mini morris???? I feel bad reading her messages but I just feel that I need to use this in court to show her bad intentions.

Hammer

When Mrs. Hammer came back from Rehab -- she was Batsh1t Crazy, too. Our oldest (daughter, then 10) teacher came and caught me and told me there was some problems, too. After Alateen, etc., she was doing much better.

And Organic Chemistry! Impressive.

I try to be very open and honest with the kids, as well. That way they know even if I am a little nutz myself, at times they have an Open and Honest person to Go To.

As far as the ipad and all . . . must be what they mean by "More Will Be Revealed."

Use the Program, Turn This Over To God.

Enjoy the Christmas Break with the kids.

SingledadPolo73

Thanks Hammer, interested to see what more will be revealed.

Off to get the Christmas tree with the girls.

Hawkeye13

Hi Singledad;
I wish you had been in my life to save me when my mom was going crazy with her drinking.

You are a great father and it will all sort out.
I'm glad to get your update.

Do use any evidence you have
to show that your wife should not have custody.

As Hammer says, more will be revealed.
Meanwhile, I wish you a very Happy Christmas with your girls

Dave1977w

I decided that I had to keep reading and recording my wife's texts/Facebook messages account for the sake of the children and custody if went went to court, when she left iPad open.
Proper hard thing to do though, it's like betrayal, and cruel, etc. also reopened my wounds and made others. Think of the children I say.

SingledadPolo73

Thanks for the support Hawk, its just that I am pretty tired of all this, actaully i am exhausted!!! I feel I am on the defence ALL the time!!! Yes, I took the girls and yes, I love them and will NOT AW harm them, but how the hell can I be accussed of her fake heart problems? She smokes way too much, she drinks way too much, zero sports she is spending our money and its my fault??? Please???

Dave, you're sooo right, I feel like I am cheating!!! But I know she would destroy me if she had the chance because of her now blind fury.

SoberLife2014

Singledad, thank you for sharing this. I'm a recovering alcoholic and a new mother. Someone suggested I look at the family and friends forum for a different perspective and I found your thread. I can see myself becoming someone like your wife if I don't take my recovery seriously. I see now how much this disease can truly affect others. My heart goes out to you and your little girls.

I agree with others in that you need to take care of yourself and your little girls as a very first priority. It sounds like your wife is very very sick. I can't imagine what it's like to see the one you love succumb to this disease and turn into a Dr. Jekyll/ Mr. Hyde. I hope there will come a day when your girls can understand what happened to their mom. I also hope your wife can find some help for her disease soon. Unfortunately I feel like you're going to have to almost shelter those girls from their mother if she keeps doing the things she's doing. Also, about the heart problem... I'm a nurse and you can't cause someone to have a heart problem. Give me a break. You didn't put that plaque in her arteries. You didn't put chemicals in her body that could cause arrhythmias. Just try to focus on the things you can control and filter all that other crap out. Stay strong and take care.

SingledadPolo73

Thanks Zelda, If my situation helps in avoiding anyone else's loss, then it just proves how needed this site is. Please do not become anything close to what my wife is, especially since you are a Mom.

Right now, with this being the first time my kids will be without AW during this xmas period, I am seeing how painful it is for them. I always made choco cake and today we made it together for the 1st time, I got them to whisk eggs, add cocoa, clean, wash, mix, etc, with an xmas playlist in the backround...then I said it was time for a dish we always had for xmas but AW used to make it and they said No...I tried telling them that they shouldnt try to block out memories, but they were pretty adamant and said they were not in the mood. I repected that and tried to lighten the mood. Then AW calls saying she wants the kids from Dec 27th...I told her my lawyer would contact her lawyer and the threats started all over again...which kind of killed the mood. It is amazing how her threats affect me...just make me tired.
Anyhow, we just got our christmas tree and it is BEAUTIFUL! My 14yr old chose it and its just perfect, so they are going to get some rest after lunch and then we start decorating...

Recovering2

You're a good Dad. Keep the focus where you have some control, on your children and yourself. When dealing with your AW, don't forget....."No" is a complete sentence.

Merry Christmas to you and the girls.