He is wonderful...so how do I break it off?
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Massachusetts (south shore)
Posts: 125
He is wonderful...so how do I break it off?
A wonderful guy, with a great job, great goals, great dad, (great sex)! There is not a bad thing I can say about him; oh wait, he drinks...yes, that's it - he drinks way too much. His drinking is not a problem for him, but it is a problem for me. It's been four months since I have started seeing him, we broke it off for only one day...(I realized, I had trust issues)...and now, even though I love this guy, I don't like his drinking. I know it's going to get worse just because I see all the signs. My heart aches...I want to get through the holidays, then he goes on a mini-vacation with the guys for five days in January. I was thinking of breaking it off when he returns (telling him, I had time to think...etc.). Or, maybe I'll "keep my options open" and just not tell him...don't know how to handle this. I know it's only been four months, but I am in a little deep, and our connection is so strong...but the drinking...ahhhh...yes, the drinking...Scotch is the favorite. Oh, what to do...what to do...blah...
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
You are only in as "deep" as you think you are.
4 months = 120 days.
120 days is a drop in the bucket, in the big picture of life.
Thinking you have been given a gift here. You are one of the lucky ones to see the writing on the wall, so early in this new relationship.
In retrospect, I certainly wish I was not so blinded by my "Mr. Wonderful." Mr. Wonderful and the out of control drunk turned out to be the same guy.
(((HUGS))))
4 months = 120 days.
120 days is a drop in the bucket, in the big picture of life.
Thinking you have been given a gift here. You are one of the lucky ones to see the writing on the wall, so early in this new relationship.
In retrospect, I certainly wish I was not so blinded by my "Mr. Wonderful." Mr. Wonderful and the out of control drunk turned out to be the same guy.
(((HUGS))))
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
His drinking is a part of him.
Saying you love everything about him except his drinking is sort of like saying "I love everything about him except that he beats me." It's part of who he is, if and until he chooses to behave otherwise.
I married a guy who was great except that he drank a bit too much.
Since I left him, I've lived in hiding three times because of death threats.
Alcoholism is real. It's ugly. It's nothing that's a little detail in someone's life, like that he doesn't put the toilet seat down or loves that disgusting country music that you can't stand. Addiction is a life and death issue. If you're going to stay with him, make sure you educate yourself on exactly what you can expect from a life with an alcoholic. And make sure that is what you want.
Saying you love everything about him except his drinking is sort of like saying "I love everything about him except that he beats me." It's part of who he is, if and until he chooses to behave otherwise.
I married a guy who was great except that he drank a bit too much.
Since I left him, I've lived in hiding three times because of death threats.
Alcoholism is real. It's ugly. It's nothing that's a little detail in someone's life, like that he doesn't put the toilet seat down or loves that disgusting country music that you can't stand. Addiction is a life and death issue. If you're going to stay with him, make sure you educate yourself on exactly what you can expect from a life with an alcoholic. And make sure that is what you want.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: somewhere south
Posts: 510
You are likely still in the honeymoon phase. Everything is still wonderful and you have yet to experience any "issues" together. How well do you communicate about topics you disagree on? How does he respond to you not liking his drinking? Is he willing to change for you? How does he get along with his family and friends? How does he act when he drinks? Do you trust him? Any DUI's? arrest histories? Relationships are a two way street and require compromise and working together to get everyone's needs and goals accomplished. It cant just be one sided. The I drink so take it or leave it doesn't work if you have expressed that you do NOT like it. Alcoholism is progressive and it will get worse.
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
You know what to do, or you wouldn't be on here questioning it. You are ONLY 4 months in to this!!!! This is the stage where everything is still all rosy and perfect, and you are already seeing a HUGE red flag. Lillamy is right, this isn't about which way he hangs the toilet paper. This is a terrible disease, and not something you want to sign up for if you don't have to.
He's not the only wonderful guy out there. Learn from the experience, and move on would be my advice.
He's not the only wonderful guy out there. Learn from the experience, and move on would be my advice.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Move on and do not procreate with this man no matter what.
I agree, it is a part of who he is. Believe me when I say you do not want a lifetime of this addiction. it's all rosy now...but it does not stay that way....promise.
See this as a learning lesson that you do not want a long term relationship with an addict, it will only cause you lots of heartache.
I agree, it is a part of who he is. Believe me when I say you do not want a lifetime of this addiction. it's all rosy now...but it does not stay that way....promise.
See this as a learning lesson that you do not want a long term relationship with an addict, it will only cause you lots of heartache.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 12
I walked away from someone I really fell for after a short relationship, similar in time to yours. She pushed all my buttons, and it had been so long since I felt that way. So I understand how you can feel really strongly for someone in a short time.
She had great qualities, but, she drank. Her drinking lifestyle included friends who drank, places she liked to go where she drank, and the results of drinking. I soon sensed that drinking was apart of who she was, and had been for a long time. Even though she was working on sobriety while we officially dated, it still seeped into who she was. Also, I found that there was a personal history that had not been dealt with that was partly driving her drinking problems. So not only was there the alcohol issue, but someone who really needed to work on themselves and grow up. I just knew that the relationship was going to hurt me in the future, and my survival instincts kicked in and I let it go.
Your man may be showing the drinking part of who he is now, but he may also have underlying issues that may need to be dealt with as well.
What made it a little easier for me to walk away was, I told myself that perhaps in the future, if she has sobriety under her belt for a few years, and has clearly grown up with a healthy lifestyle, then possibly their could be an opportunity to revisit this person. I left the door open a tiny crack which alleviated some of the sadness of possibly never seeing them again.
From what I have read, and personally experienced, you will be FAR better off doing it now, vs. hanging in there to see how it goes. Every day spent with him is a new memory, another brick put in the foundation of your feelings for him.
Though I miss her, and it is really hard when I occasionally see her in group functions, I have no regrets walking away.
One more thing that helps. I put the issue of Alcoholism in the “non-negotiable, no-brainer” column. Which means it requires no further thought. It trumps every aspect of the relationship. They can be the most perfect person in every sense, but if the component of alcohol and what it brings is present, then it simply cannot happen. It takes the decision out of my hands in a way. Once that issue is gone, then maybe I can consider whether this person is who we want to be with.
Best of luck to you!
She had great qualities, but, she drank. Her drinking lifestyle included friends who drank, places she liked to go where she drank, and the results of drinking. I soon sensed that drinking was apart of who she was, and had been for a long time. Even though she was working on sobriety while we officially dated, it still seeped into who she was. Also, I found that there was a personal history that had not been dealt with that was partly driving her drinking problems. So not only was there the alcohol issue, but someone who really needed to work on themselves and grow up. I just knew that the relationship was going to hurt me in the future, and my survival instincts kicked in and I let it go.
Your man may be showing the drinking part of who he is now, but he may also have underlying issues that may need to be dealt with as well.
What made it a little easier for me to walk away was, I told myself that perhaps in the future, if she has sobriety under her belt for a few years, and has clearly grown up with a healthy lifestyle, then possibly their could be an opportunity to revisit this person. I left the door open a tiny crack which alleviated some of the sadness of possibly never seeing them again.
From what I have read, and personally experienced, you will be FAR better off doing it now, vs. hanging in there to see how it goes. Every day spent with him is a new memory, another brick put in the foundation of your feelings for him.
Though I miss her, and it is really hard when I occasionally see her in group functions, I have no regrets walking away.
One more thing that helps. I put the issue of Alcoholism in the “non-negotiable, no-brainer” column. Which means it requires no further thought. It trumps every aspect of the relationship. They can be the most perfect person in every sense, but if the component of alcohol and what it brings is present, then it simply cannot happen. It takes the decision out of my hands in a way. Once that issue is gone, then maybe I can consider whether this person is who we want to be with.
Best of luck to you!
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Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
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If you are going to break up, which is where this post is trending, do it before the holidays, before the "wonderful" gifts that once received will make you feel guilty about leaving.
You don't need time to think about it. You have thought about it plenty. You don't like it, but you know what needs to be done.
Break up and work on fixing you.
You don't need time to think about it. You have thought about it plenty. You don't like it, but you know what needs to be done.
Break up and work on fixing you.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I think his drinking issue is unacceptable to you, we all can agree on that one.
What I think is the REAL issue here is your codependency has reared its ugly little head.
You are in too deep – and it’s only been 4 months (120 days)
You are struggling with ending what you know is not a healthy relationship for you.
You are bargaining by thinking of keeping your options open – like waiting for another relationship to start?
You believe that in this short period of time that your connection is so strong – too strong where you are having a hard time getting out.
Now’s the time to bite the bullet, let him go before the holidays so you BOTH can get on with your lives.
What I think is the REAL issue here is your codependency has reared its ugly little head.
You are in too deep – and it’s only been 4 months (120 days)
You are struggling with ending what you know is not a healthy relationship for you.
You are bargaining by thinking of keeping your options open – like waiting for another relationship to start?
You believe that in this short period of time that your connection is so strong – too strong where you are having a hard time getting out.
Now’s the time to bite the bullet, let him go before the holidays so you BOTH can get on with your lives.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
thing is, you've mentioned his drinking all along as being a problem for you. from the git go. and it continues to be a problem. you KNOW this and yet you keep trying to find ways to minimize or rationalize, with the coup de gras that you are "in too deep" and that you "love him."
it's four months. you want to break it off? BREAK.IT.OFF. it's a short term, dating situation. you don't need reasons, you don't need to wait til the right moment, you just DO IT. sorry, ain't working out. you're a great guy and i wish you the nothing but the best. end of story.
it's four months. you want to break it off? BREAK.IT.OFF. it's a short term, dating situation. you don't need reasons, you don't need to wait til the right moment, you just DO IT. sorry, ain't working out. you're a great guy and i wish you the nothing but the best. end of story.
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
Just have to make a decision as to what is god for you.
Originally Posted by horriblethisis 
A wonderful guy, with a great job, great goals, great dad, (great sex)! There is not a bad thing I can say about him; oh wait, he drinks...yes, that's it - he drinks way too much. His drinking is not a problem for him, but it is a problem for me. It's been four months since I have started seeing him, we broke it off for only one day...(I realized, I had trust issues)...and now, even though I love this guy, I don't like his drinking. I know it's going to get worse just because I see all the signs. My heart aches...I want to get through the holidays, then he goes on a mini-vacation with the guys for five days in January. I was thinking of breaking it off when he returns (telling him, I had time to think...etc.). Or, maybe I'll "keep my options open" and just not tell him...don't know how to handle this. I know it's only been four months, but I am in a little deep, and our connection is so strong...but the drinking...ahhhh...yes, the drinking...Scotch is the favorite. Oh, what to do...what to do...blah...
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 1
Time to move forward.....
This is my first post and boy can I relate. I am thrilled to have found this site.
Six years ago I met a wonderful guy as well, good job, outgoing, handsome, etc.
My online profile said "Must love kids and dogs" and boy did he fit the bill!
We started dating in October 2007 and by December 2007 he was moved in lock stock and secrets!
He told me he was divorced only to find out he had been separated since 1997. It took me four years to convince him to get divorced or I was leaving. He didn't want to give her any money.
He also failed to tell me he was a recovering alcoholic and was in rehab for a year 2005-2006 for a DUI.
Early into the relationship my recovering alcoholic reared his ugly head one night after getting extremely intoxicated pushed me to the bed and screamed at my kids for watching TV late at night. It seemed like we were fighting ever day. He can't fight without character assignation, cursing and yelling.
But, I stayed because I loved him and we did a lot of awesome things that did NOT involve alcohol. Skydiving, hot air balloon rides, riding in bi-planes, Para-sailing, hiking, kayaking, etc. I had decided to stop drinking in 2007 when I realized he had a drinking problem. It was a small sacrifice to make for someone I loved. And I thought he had stopped as well!
I was always on guard, always walking on egg shells. Afraid to provoke him.
I would find bottles of beer hidden in the garage or in his clothes drawer.
If I asked him if he was a recovering alcoholic he became very defensive! Especially when I confronted him with why are you hiding beer?
He has a hair trigger temper. But..... I loved him. He was very involved with my kids and my kids appeared to love him.
Well, this all came to a screeching halt September 2013. He informed me he had been arrested for drunk driving when I was visiting my oldest son out of state.
Now he had no choice but to tell me the truth.
He told me it was his 3rd DUI! He thought it best to go back to rehab and stay there for 90 days until his court date ( More than likely it will be in January 2014)
Folks it was NOT his 3rd DUI his daughter told me the truth it was his 5th!
He never admitted he was an alcoholic he said I am not like the people in this rehab.
Hmmmmmm
So now being alone for 90 days the house is calm and quiet. Do I cry? Am I lonely? Do I miss him? YES!
But I have decided that I would rather be alone and healthy then in a relationship and be sick!
So my counselor suggested I tell him now while he is in rehab and has the support staff.
I told him I want to break up, he said he will respect my decision but he will not go down without a fight! He said he is a changed man and he will never drink again.
I have spent the last few days packing his things and crying. So sad to lose him but in hind sight I should of left 6 years ago when I ignored all of the red flags/deal breakers.
"If you can't fly than run, If you can't run than walk, if you can't run than crawl, but whatever you do you have to keep moving forward!"
Six years ago I met a wonderful guy as well, good job, outgoing, handsome, etc.
My online profile said "Must love kids and dogs" and boy did he fit the bill!
We started dating in October 2007 and by December 2007 he was moved in lock stock and secrets!
He told me he was divorced only to find out he had been separated since 1997. It took me four years to convince him to get divorced or I was leaving. He didn't want to give her any money.
He also failed to tell me he was a recovering alcoholic and was in rehab for a year 2005-2006 for a DUI.
Early into the relationship my recovering alcoholic reared his ugly head one night after getting extremely intoxicated pushed me to the bed and screamed at my kids for watching TV late at night. It seemed like we were fighting ever day. He can't fight without character assignation, cursing and yelling.
But, I stayed because I loved him and we did a lot of awesome things that did NOT involve alcohol. Skydiving, hot air balloon rides, riding in bi-planes, Para-sailing, hiking, kayaking, etc. I had decided to stop drinking in 2007 when I realized he had a drinking problem. It was a small sacrifice to make for someone I loved. And I thought he had stopped as well!
I was always on guard, always walking on egg shells. Afraid to provoke him.
I would find bottles of beer hidden in the garage or in his clothes drawer.
If I asked him if he was a recovering alcoholic he became very defensive! Especially when I confronted him with why are you hiding beer?
He has a hair trigger temper. But..... I loved him. He was very involved with my kids and my kids appeared to love him.
Well, this all came to a screeching halt September 2013. He informed me he had been arrested for drunk driving when I was visiting my oldest son out of state.
Now he had no choice but to tell me the truth.
He told me it was his 3rd DUI! He thought it best to go back to rehab and stay there for 90 days until his court date ( More than likely it will be in January 2014)
Folks it was NOT his 3rd DUI his daughter told me the truth it was his 5th!
He never admitted he was an alcoholic he said I am not like the people in this rehab.
Hmmmmmm
So now being alone for 90 days the house is calm and quiet. Do I cry? Am I lonely? Do I miss him? YES!
But I have decided that I would rather be alone and healthy then in a relationship and be sick!
So my counselor suggested I tell him now while he is in rehab and has the support staff.
I told him I want to break up, he said he will respect my decision but he will not go down without a fight! He said he is a changed man and he will never drink again.
I have spent the last few days packing his things and crying. So sad to lose him but in hind sight I should of left 6 years ago when I ignored all of the red flags/deal breakers.
"If you can't fly than run, If you can't run than walk, if you can't run than crawl, but whatever you do you have to keep moving forward!"
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Massachusetts (south shore)
Posts: 125
I DID IT!!! I broke it off! My intuition made me drive my car over to his house tonight for a "surprise visit"...what I found was that since he had got home at four todady...he had two scotches, three glasses of wine and a gross cigar...all by 7:30. I told him that "his continued drinking = no future for us, and he proved that to me again tonight"...done!
The only thing he said was "is there someone else"? Seriously, I am so glad (with all of your help)...that I was reminded what the right thing to do was. Also, I am proud of myself for catching the red flags early (even though I waited, and reassessed...I still did it) Yay me!!! thanks everyone!!
The only thing he said was "is there someone else"? Seriously, I am so glad (with all of your help)...that I was reminded what the right thing to do was. Also, I am proud of myself for catching the red flags early (even though I waited, and reassessed...I still did it) Yay me!!! thanks everyone!!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: RhodeIsland
Posts: 175
I dated a woman from Cambridge in summer of 2011.... for 3 months.. at least once a week I'd see her.
She ended it stating she was dating someone else, and has decided to date them exclusive. I had no idea we weren't exclusive.
If this is a relationship that draws, and at the same time see as undesirable because of the askerisk of alcoholism - don't repeat the same mistake. Don't coddle the break up, don't give chances for getting back together.
No need to explain the reasons. He wouldn't explain, down the road the reasons he's choosing the drink instead. Don't explain the reasons you're choosing freedom, and yourself now. A new man provides a convenient reason though.
She ended it stating she was dating someone else, and has decided to date them exclusive. I had no idea we weren't exclusive.
If this is a relationship that draws, and at the same time see as undesirable because of the askerisk of alcoholism - don't repeat the same mistake. Don't coddle the break up, don't give chances for getting back together.
No need to explain the reasons. He wouldn't explain, down the road the reasons he's choosing the drink instead. Don't explain the reasons you're choosing freedom, and yourself now. A new man provides a convenient reason though.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,898
Good for you!
But, you know, if you have doubts like this and it bothers you to the degree that these doubts did, it's okay to just tell him ...This just isn't working for me. Whether or not he is drinking more than he should or not, it's okay to just acknowledge that you have misgivings about this relationship and end it on that basis.
In any case, I'm happy that you were able to follow through on your suspicions. Isn't it just like an addict to automatically assume there is someone else?
But, you know, if you have doubts like this and it bothers you to the degree that these doubts did, it's okay to just tell him ...This just isn't working for me. Whether or not he is drinking more than he should or not, it's okay to just acknowledge that you have misgivings about this relationship and end it on that basis.
In any case, I'm happy that you were able to follow through on your suspicions. Isn't it just like an addict to automatically assume there is someone else?
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 156
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
thing is, you've mentioned his drinking all along as being a problem for you. from the git go. and it continues to be a problem. you KNOW this and yet you keep trying to find ways to minimize or rationalize, with the coup de gras that you are "in too deep" and that you "love him." it's four months. you want to break it off? BREAK.IT.OFF. it's a short term, dating situation. you don't need reasons, you don't need to wait til the right moment, you just DO IT. sorry, ain't working out. you're a great guy and i wish you the nothing but the best. end of story.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,424
Great job! Wish I had been as smart as you about a dozen times 
He may try to get back together and say he will change.
Please do not buy that.
Tell him to get sober if that's what he wants for himself and call you after
a solid year of recovery, and not before. Seriously.
He may try to get back together and say he will change.
Please do not buy that.
Tell him to get sober if that's what he wants for himself and call you after
a solid year of recovery, and not before. Seriously.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Good for you!!!
As you venture out in the coming year and meet new people please remember that:
Red Flags are not party favors and we do not need to collect them!
That is my motto and it is a good one because toxic people with red flags are all around us and are attracted to those of us who are card carrying bonafide codified! I no longer fall for the guy with red flags sticking out all over him because I am in recovery and can see the flashing lights and hear the sirens almost immediately now.
Getting the radar tuned up and healthy lifestyles and belief systems is the next step if you find that you are drawn to people with red flag syndrome often.
Congrats again... I am very proud of you for doing what is smart and not what "feels" good.
As you venture out in the coming year and meet new people please remember that:
Red Flags are not party favors and we do not need to collect them!
That is my motto and it is a good one because toxic people with red flags are all around us and are attracted to those of us who are card carrying bonafide codified! I no longer fall for the guy with red flags sticking out all over him because I am in recovery and can see the flashing lights and hear the sirens almost immediately now.
Getting the radar tuned up and healthy lifestyles and belief systems is the next step if you find that you are drawn to people with red flag syndrome often.
Congrats again... I am very proud of you for doing what is smart and not what "feels" good.
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