Cant seem to let go....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Portsmouth UK
Posts: 8
Cant seem to let go....
My first post here have been reading alot of posts. Okay quick history 7 year relationship with xabf, first year and half was amazing then our beautiful son came along, looking back I knew he had an alcohol problem (denial). Being sober while pregnant I realised his drinking wasnt normal. 5 years it went down hill, did all the usual things drinking with him, not drinking with him etc etc.
Verbal abuse came along (always tears and apologies) house got abused leaving the house for the weekend, last august the wrost of the pyhsical abuse and police were called and i pressed charges for assult.
I ended the relationship for about a month and we started to try again him addressing the alcohol and stayingover weekends. As you all may guess he didnt deal with it, I was on edge and the verbal abuse would start and he would leave.
I dont think I love him, but my head is all over the place this august went into detox and they relapsed a week after saying he had a supporting family (pissed me off the only reason I supported him was because I though he would go to rehab etc and that he would get sober (denial again). He moved back in 7 days of false hope thought we were gonna really get our relationship on track it was bliss. Then he changed, checked his van and found alcohol...gutted wasnt the word. He denied it as they do even when we both went to the van.
Cut a long story short he knew the boundry was crossed, I still tried said that he had a relapse its a learning curve and learn from it. Bottom line I gave him the ultimatum walk out now and were done. I kept to it and he was homeless another week in detox I forgot to mention he declined out patient rehab. after a few weeks of more me trying to help him he breaks windows every time he came i called the police, eventually allowed him to stay on sofa while he waited for housing while he was in the home didnt feel right having him here but like alot of us do didnt say anything he ended up drinking threating himself and to burn house down police called again. Obtained an non molestation order because of the history and recent threats and criminal damage.
I know feel so stuck I check his facebook, get angry and cant seem to move on I know I am severly co-dependent. Fell like a victim, I know that I should be glad he is out of my life and he is a ***** who uses drink to justify his abuse, etc. But I have such little selfworth and I know I was in love with the potential. Arrgh just angry at him, at me for getting to this point, been of work for 6 weeks taking anti-depressants and cant even pick up the phone to get councelling that my work offer, a few sessions.
Ive read alot on alcholism been to al-anon for about a month last year, theres not many meetings in the city i live in the uk and because of young son cant go anymore.
Feel hopeless, joyless and miserable. Sorry for the length of this but I thought this maybe a first step to reaching out. Thanks for taking the time to read this pity party!!
Verbal abuse came along (always tears and apologies) house got abused leaving the house for the weekend, last august the wrost of the pyhsical abuse and police were called and i pressed charges for assult.
I ended the relationship for about a month and we started to try again him addressing the alcohol and stayingover weekends. As you all may guess he didnt deal with it, I was on edge and the verbal abuse would start and he would leave.
I dont think I love him, but my head is all over the place this august went into detox and they relapsed a week after saying he had a supporting family (pissed me off the only reason I supported him was because I though he would go to rehab etc and that he would get sober (denial again). He moved back in 7 days of false hope thought we were gonna really get our relationship on track it was bliss. Then he changed, checked his van and found alcohol...gutted wasnt the word. He denied it as they do even when we both went to the van.
Cut a long story short he knew the boundry was crossed, I still tried said that he had a relapse its a learning curve and learn from it. Bottom line I gave him the ultimatum walk out now and were done. I kept to it and he was homeless another week in detox I forgot to mention he declined out patient rehab. after a few weeks of more me trying to help him he breaks windows every time he came i called the police, eventually allowed him to stay on sofa while he waited for housing while he was in the home didnt feel right having him here but like alot of us do didnt say anything he ended up drinking threating himself and to burn house down police called again. Obtained an non molestation order because of the history and recent threats and criminal damage.
I know feel so stuck I check his facebook, get angry and cant seem to move on I know I am severly co-dependent. Fell like a victim, I know that I should be glad he is out of my life and he is a ***** who uses drink to justify his abuse, etc. But I have such little selfworth and I know I was in love with the potential. Arrgh just angry at him, at me for getting to this point, been of work for 6 weeks taking anti-depressants and cant even pick up the phone to get councelling that my work offer, a few sessions.
Ive read alot on alcholism been to al-anon for about a month last year, theres not many meetings in the city i live in the uk and because of young son cant go anymore.
Feel hopeless, joyless and miserable. Sorry for the length of this but I thought this maybe a first step to reaching out. Thanks for taking the time to read this pity party!!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: The Bright Side of the Moon
Posts: 528
Hi. Welcome to SR.
You are right in the thick of it, no? Many of us are grieving our losses here. We can't go through the pain for you, but we can support you through it. You are admitting that you are codependent. That is progress from the denial you used to have. It takes time to get through the anger and sadness. Even antidepressants can't take those feelings away, but good for you for choosing to take care of yourself. You had a dream of a loving family and it couldn't happen with him. I hear you. I feel that same kind of pain over here. I've been trusting people here and in Al anon when they tell me it will get better. It's amazing to be able to trust anyone still since I could never trust my XA. There is hope!
You are right in the thick of it, no? Many of us are grieving our losses here. We can't go through the pain for you, but we can support you through it. You are admitting that you are codependent. That is progress from the denial you used to have. It takes time to get through the anger and sadness. Even antidepressants can't take those feelings away, but good for you for choosing to take care of yourself. You had a dream of a loving family and it couldn't happen with him. I hear you. I feel that same kind of pain over here. I've been trusting people here and in Al anon when they tell me it will get better. It's amazing to be able to trust anyone still since I could never trust my XA. There is hope!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Welcome Zimmi. There is nothing wrong with being mad as heck right now. It's an emotion, just like happiness. And you are justified in being angry. How about you simply let yourself feel it for a bit?
It seems you know the drill here, know what your options are, know the situation you are in is not healthy. You have resources available. You are in an enviable place!
Do whatever you need when you feel ready for the next step. In the meantime, its ok to simply sit back and feel lousy for a while. I have a sneaking suspicion you are going to be just fine, in time.
Keep reading and keep coming back,
~T
It seems you know the drill here, know what your options are, know the situation you are in is not healthy. You have resources available. You are in an enviable place!
Do whatever you need when you feel ready for the next step. In the meantime, its ok to simply sit back and feel lousy for a while. I have a sneaking suspicion you are going to be just fine, in time.
Keep reading and keep coming back,
~T
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
Welcome Zimmi.
Glad you are here.
Please know, we understand how you are currently feeling. Most of us have been right where you currently are today.
While today is difficult for you, it will not always feel like this.
One thing I would do, I would STOP checking his facebook. How is checking his facebook helping you? What exactly are you looking to see? It really doesn't matter what he is doing, so what if he is off drinking with his buddies, or talking or dating other women? He is a physically and mentally abusive, what a **** poor excuse of a man he is. I pity the next in line.
You want to feel healthier ? Go no contact. If you are done, be done.
You can make a safe and loving home for you and your son. You and your son deserve that.
Accept the facts. he is an abusive, out of control partner. He has nothing to offer you or your precious son.
Face your internal fears head on, once you do/can , they no longer have any power over you.
We will be here, and listening.
Stay strong.
Glad you are here.
Please know, we understand how you are currently feeling. Most of us have been right where you currently are today.
While today is difficult for you, it will not always feel like this.
One thing I would do, I would STOP checking his facebook. How is checking his facebook helping you? What exactly are you looking to see? It really doesn't matter what he is doing, so what if he is off drinking with his buddies, or talking or dating other women? He is a physically and mentally abusive, what a **** poor excuse of a man he is. I pity the next in line.
You want to feel healthier ? Go no contact. If you are done, be done.
You can make a safe and loving home for you and your son. You and your son deserve that.
Accept the facts. he is an abusive, out of control partner. He has nothing to offer you or your precious son.
Face your internal fears head on, once you do/can , they no longer have any power over you.
We will be here, and listening.
Stay strong.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
Ditto marie1960, get off his FB page. When the "s---" hit the fan with my BF, I actually got completely off FB for just over 4 months. Didn't want to see anything, and that way I made sure I couldn't. No text, phone calls, etc. Made my world go quiet, so I could just work on me.
A lot of AlAnon meetings have child care, check with the ones near you. At our meeting, we've also let young kids play in the back of the room. People understand that childcare is an issue.
A lot of AlAnon meetings have child care, check with the ones near you. At our meeting, we've also let young kids play in the back of the room. People understand that childcare is an issue.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 12
So sorry you have had to go through this. I know exactly how you are feeling. I ended a fairly short relationship (6 months) almost 3 weeks ago with an out of control binge drinker, and I still have moments of missing him, wanting him and loving him. As I have been through this exact same thing previously, I know I have made the right decision and the pain does go. I agree with the others, no contact is the way to go. I know just in the past few days I've had to have contact with him to arrange return of personal property etc and it unsettled me to the point if not being able to sleep. I will be so pleased when this weekend is over, when everything will be returned then hopefully I can let go little by little. Don't feel bad about how you are feeling, it's perfectly normal. Even though the relationship was a living hell, there is still that heartache, love of some sort and of course the loneliness. Be assured that this will pass and then you will start to feel relieved and empowered and rebuild your self esteem and confidence. Keep reading and posting here, it has helped me immensely. Each day it gets a little easier. Just remember, this is the start of the rest of your life, a joyous, peaceful life.
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