Becki67

Hello Everyone,

I need some advice...but I need to fill you in a little on the history so it makes a little sense. My family is comprised of my ABF, my "stepdaughters", and my two nephews I adopted, oh, and two beast dogs and a cat in the closet (the easiest members I have).

I have been with my ABF for 10 years and throughout those ten years have gone through 3 custody battles with he and his ex spouse. The last one ended because the X's new AH committed suicide (the girls watched the cadaver dogs find the body) about 4 years ago. Well, fast forward to now. The eldest daughter just started college and is away from everything but the 15 year old is still there and is the angry one. She yells at her Dad all the time, she cries and she tends to run home to her mother and tell her how bad her Dad is now. She stays in her room constantly and tells him all the time that she can't stand being there because he's drunk all the time. She sobs to him and it doesn't make a difference.

The other night she and I were on a long drive and talking about everything going on. We were both honest with each other about our feelings in regards to her Dad's drinking. I let her vent and I probably vented a little more than I should have.

I just received a phone call from the older daughter saying that her Mom called today and said that she's going for full custody of the youngest. Although, I know it's his fault for all of this, I can't help feeling responsible for fueling the fire, so to speak.

I know someone will tell me that if those kids meant that much to him, he would get help and it's not my fault or my responsibility, but I've spent 10 years protecting them and making those damn excuses. The psychologist during the last CB wrote in the report that if he could, he would grant me sole custody and not the natural parents, but he couldn't.

I just dread the fallout from this and know it will end up being my fault.

dandylion

Becki67--since you already know it is not your fault (I agree with you), then do not get drawn into any discussions in this regard. You know what you know--and just because someone else says something--doesn't make it so.

I'm thinking alateen for the dear child?..........

dandylion

Zimmi

couldnt read your post without commenting. No ESH, just a whole lot of love coming your way. Please dont knock yourself (I know easier said than done!!) Carrying the guilt for this situation is not good for you and doesnt change anything just makes you feel crappy. You are an amazing lady and I think you are taking too much responsibilty for whats happening. But hay thats what I know I do too. Be gentle on yourself through this very stressful time.

Becki67

I have spend the entire morning looking for a group for her and my two. There aren't many resources around here for Alateen and I don't know where else to look. I have suggested counseling multiple times since the suicide and nothing gets done. Since she's not legally mine, I don't know what else to do other than be there for her to talk to and tell her that she can tell me anything.

marie1960

IMHO........ Sounds like a cry for help to me.


I would get the child some professional help. With sincere gentleness, you are in the same kettle of hot boiling hot oil that she is. Living with addiction is pure hell. Sound to me like she has had enough.

15 is a tough age, they are at the crossroad. They are just beginning their journey in young adulthood. I swear there is a switch, one day they can act like young responsible humans, and the next thing you know, it's mood swings, and sassy, disrespectful mouths........ just a hunch, but i bet her issues go deeper, and she really needs some help here.

She is probably beginning to really see the situation for what it is. What teenage girl wants to invite friends into her home, and introduce them to her drunken father? And you know what she shouldn't have to even be worried about this, but this IS her current reality, she could benefit from a neutral party in sorting out her life.

Schools, and hospitals can possible refer you to some helpful resources.

Adults cannot handle living with an addict, how can we expect an immature child to cope?

We can only lead by example here, and sound like your family needs a leader, and the opportunity is presenting itself, and you have been elected.

Wishing you all peace.

Becki67

Okay, you made me cry. I feel horrible for these kids...do you know how often I hear, you're the only sane one in our lives...I feel like I've let them down, but I can't kidnap them and I can't force their parents to do the right thing. I've never had kids come out of my body, but I still feel as if I'm a better parent than either of those two. Who in their right minds lets their kids struggle with the pain of seeing what they saw on their own. She couldn't have been more up front about her feelings on his drinking, either. She said I love you because you're my Dad, but I don't like you and I hate coming here because you're always drunk. How much more direct can you get?

spiderqueen

Don't underestimate this, Becky. You can always make a difference in her life, no matter how things end up.

I have a 15 year old daughter with whom I am very close -- and even so, she has several other amazing adult women in her life, including professionals, who add enormously to her feelings of worth, self esteem, strength and hope for her future.

I am so sorry for your pain, and hers. I hope you keep coming back for encouragement and support!

Seren

Being a sane and stable presence in that young ladies life has been invaluable, I'm sure. Please don't feel guilty because I think without your presence in her life, it would be much worse

dandylion

Becki, perhaps you could direct them toward online alateen or other forums for children of alcoholics/addiction/mental illness. I believe that Hammer (on this forum) is involved with alateen and also has an adolescent daughter. Perhaps you could PM him and ask for ideas.

dandylion

P.S. Perhaps you could talk to her about going to her school pychologist and ask for counseling help. She is old enough to do this herself--with some encouragement, of course.

Hollyanne

The 15 year old is probably very jealous of her older sister.
I have come across many Adult Children who have this feeling of abandonment when older siblings "escape".
It happened in my only family.
Maybe this is something to look into.
At 15, remember? we thought we would never be 20!