LightInside

Hi there,

So tonight I had my XAPartner/son's father served his copies of the papers I filed yesterday. Of course he quacked at me and wanted to start a conversation.

I tried to say that I wouldn't talk without an attorney or mediator present, but he kept quacking. I tried not to engage, but I did a little bit. I tried to be generic, as in, "I stand by what I said," (in my declaration) and, "We need to have an attorney or mediator present." Ugh. Ick. I don't like "making" him feel bad, but it's his behavior that really makes him feel bad. He is going to deny this all the way to the end, I think. I did get a bit defensive, as in, "You know me. I don't retaliate to people. You're not the be-all, end-all to my life. I can get over you and heal my heartbreak without trying to get even with you." Eek. I wish I had just kept quiet.

He was so nice to me tonight before I had him served. That made it harder, but whatever. I always get more anger and meanness eventually. I have always let him "make me" feel guilty when I "hurt" him, but not this time. Well, actually, I feel guilty and doubtful. Like, "Am I really exaggerating like he says I am?" Ugh. I just have to remember the things I have said before - my bottom lines: If he was a babysitter, I would have fired him; and it only takes one instance of neglect (passing out) for a child to be injured or killed.

We'll see what happens. Any encouragement is greatly appreciated.

Fathom

Trust your head right now. You KNOW what's right and you don't need his validation. You did really well. Now, try to calm down because this race isn't won in a sprint.


Muchos Kudos,
Fathom

RhodeIsland

It is so difficult to do what you're doing right now.

I admire our desire to seek a better life for yourself. Nothing about what you're doing is wrong. Not one step taken has been an over-reaction. Doubting the decision is common at first, but down the line you'll be so glad this step was taken, and not walked back from.

We're here, and I am not alone in feeling very happy for you.

Hopeworks

Can you go nc? That... by far is the most beneficial choice if possible. If not... just rehearse not responding and let him know that this a boundary you have chosen for yourself... that discussion of the topic will take place on your terms or not at all.

I know its hard... it takes practice and with all the quacking you will get plenty of chances to get better at standing up for yourself and taking back your power! Don't let him drain you.... give yourself space and peace...

Know you are not alone...we are with you!

LightInside

Thank yous! Just what I needed. I am trying to go NC, but trying to do that with visitations is tough until I can get some routine established with supervision. Of course its "all my fault" that he "can't" see his son because of my demands. I've told him that I want NC, but he hasn't tried to help me with that. I did put a stipulation that he not "disturb my peace" in my proposed temporary order. He complained about my desire to be NC, but he hasn't really honored it yet. He's 36 years old and can't think of anyone besides family that live far away to do supervision. He doesn't know anyone that I would consider trustworthy enough. I suppose he'll have to pay a professional.

It sucks too because his extreme enabler-mom has been very supportive of me through this breakup, but is very upset over my requests. He's lying to his family, so I know he's gonna try lying in court. The guy lies to himself all the time.

xmrscran

you "exaggerate", I "over analyzed" I got to the point where I was so depressed and anxious, that I literally started to believe I was the crazy one. Now that I've been out for a year, I realize that even I, didn't have an accurate picture of just how bad it really was. I even told people that our marriage was "mostly good". Everyone I talk to is like, um Michelle, do you not remember how miserable you were? Don't second guess yourself. This is the hardest decision you will ever have to make in your whole life. Question about mother-in-law, she is an enabler but will she keep your kids safe. My STBXAH's father is a drunk too, but his step mom always kept the kids safe.

LightInside

Yep, MIL keeps my son safe. I don't know about the rest of the family.

AnvilheadII

no one HAS to honor our request for NO Contact, that is something WE do. YOU don't answer the phone, YOU don't call, YOU protect your peace.

LightInside

Right you are, Anvil head. I'm letting him push my boundary there, because I feel responsible for him getting to see his son. I'm letting him get to me. I'm cool with text or email, but not with seeing him. I'm letting him "make me" feel guilty as he says that my NC standard makes it hard for him to see his son. It's only true, because he thinks he can only see his son while I work (I work on his days off). He needs to get creative. I have gotten creative on my end and found someone who can provide childcare when my ex can't (meaning when he doesn't have someone to supervise). I will just have to stand my ground.