what did I do or not do right?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2002
Location: Cincinnati, ohio
Posts: 82
what did I do or not do right?
ok, for anyone who wants a long story...keep reading...(alot of quacking ahead)
My A comes over Monday and is packing the rest of his things, says if he can't come back home, then it's over between us. (He has been gone for 3 months) Among the things he said was he has given me 3 months and that's more than enough time. ( I gave him 3 years with his drinking)
I have recently (Sunday) realised I have been treating him badly and need to talk to him alot more.(Been holding ALOT of anger inside) When he was here all the emotions I have had bottled up came pouring out!!! I told him I tried to get a hold of him Sunday night to talk to him. He informs me that he spent the night at his x-wifes house,to see the kids, but only slept on the couch and nothing happened. (I don't wear a dunce cap, thank you) I chose to take him for what he said and told him if it happened again, then I would be done. Period! He said it was all my falt (of course) I am making him do this, I am making him make these decisions. I am the only one who can stop it. (I don't controll you, you make your own choices and decisions, I replied)
Please keep in mind this is an edited version of about a 4 hour conversation !!!
After all this, at the end of the conversation
he wanted to come over when he got off work (2nd job, 3rd shift) saturday, I said fine, then we will look for cars. (we are both looking for one) When you get off Sunday, come over, get some sleep and we will go to a meeting. I have not done this since he moved out (by force) and I thought it would be a start. It hasn't gotten any better since then. We were together last night looking at cars and he had this big attitude, I chose to try to ignore it but couldn't after a couple hours. We had a repeat of our previous conversation, only it didn't take as long. I told he knows where I stand, I admitted I made a mistake by not talking, I am trying now. He says he can't promise what he is going to do or where he is going to stay and that only I can change that. (Says he can't stay at his mom and dads anymore, they didn't say it, he did) all of a sudden he quit saying he loves me because he doesn't know if he does anymore. When he aked me how is feels to not have him say it, I said I am not taking it personally, I know he's made. He didn't like that!!! Tonight he came over and got his pillow and razor, other bathroom items. Said just incase he needs them, don't know where he will be staying.
I know this is a long story and it has alot of him in it but I wanted to give you a little of what he was saying and how I answered. I am hurting pretty bad right now. I think I have made the right choice about staying firm, my head says way to go while my heart screams for him to come back. I almost know that today was the end, even if he didn't want to say it. He left in tears, adn left me standing here in tears. I just don't know where to go from here.
Thank you all for listening.
Chandra
My A comes over Monday and is packing the rest of his things, says if he can't come back home, then it's over between us. (He has been gone for 3 months) Among the things he said was he has given me 3 months and that's more than enough time. ( I gave him 3 years with his drinking)
I have recently (Sunday) realised I have been treating him badly and need to talk to him alot more.(Been holding ALOT of anger inside) When he was here all the emotions I have had bottled up came pouring out!!! I told him I tried to get a hold of him Sunday night to talk to him. He informs me that he spent the night at his x-wifes house,to see the kids, but only slept on the couch and nothing happened. (I don't wear a dunce cap, thank you) I chose to take him for what he said and told him if it happened again, then I would be done. Period! He said it was all my falt (of course) I am making him do this, I am making him make these decisions. I am the only one who can stop it. (I don't controll you, you make your own choices and decisions, I replied)
Please keep in mind this is an edited version of about a 4 hour conversation !!!
After all this, at the end of the conversation
he wanted to come over when he got off work (2nd job, 3rd shift) saturday, I said fine, then we will look for cars. (we are both looking for one) When you get off Sunday, come over, get some sleep and we will go to a meeting. I have not done this since he moved out (by force) and I thought it would be a start. It hasn't gotten any better since then. We were together last night looking at cars and he had this big attitude, I chose to try to ignore it but couldn't after a couple hours. We had a repeat of our previous conversation, only it didn't take as long. I told he knows where I stand, I admitted I made a mistake by not talking, I am trying now. He says he can't promise what he is going to do or where he is going to stay and that only I can change that. (Says he can't stay at his mom and dads anymore, they didn't say it, he did) all of a sudden he quit saying he loves me because he doesn't know if he does anymore. When he aked me how is feels to not have him say it, I said I am not taking it personally, I know he's made. He didn't like that!!! Tonight he came over and got his pillow and razor, other bathroom items. Said just incase he needs them, don't know where he will be staying.
I know this is a long story and it has alot of him in it but I wanted to give you a little of what he was saying and how I answered. I am hurting pretty bad right now. I think I have made the right choice about staying firm, my head says way to go while my heart screams for him to come back. I almost know that today was the end, even if he didn't want to say it. He left in tears, adn left me standing here in tears. I just don't know where to go from here.
Thank you all for listening.
Chandra
Member
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: That's what I'd like to know.
Posts: 2,416
Hi Chandra...
This may be a very simplistic observation, but... if he gets his head together, he'll most likely see your position and be ready to negotiate a real relationship. If he doesn't get his head together, do you really want him?
Unrecovered addicts have a way of turning up like a bad penny. You can take advantage of the time he's away to take care of you!
Hugs,
Smoke
This may be a very simplistic observation, but... if he gets his head together, he'll most likely see your position and be ready to negotiate a real relationship. If he doesn't get his head together, do you really want him?
Unrecovered addicts have a way of turning up like a bad penny. You can take advantage of the time he's away to take care of you!
Hugs,
Smoke
Member
Join Date: Jan 2002
Location: Colorado
Posts: 161
Hi Chandra:
I agree with smoke.... my addict could never understand my reasoning until his head started to clear and i didn't want the abuse that came with him when it wasn't... This is a hard time right now for you - but keep coming back and venting in whatever form you need to.. WE are here for you!
Love
Ogly
I agree with smoke.... my addict could never understand my reasoning until his head started to clear and i didn't want the abuse that came with him when it wasn't... This is a hard time right now for you - but keep coming back and venting in whatever form you need to.. WE are here for you!
Love
Ogly
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2002
Location: Cincinnati, ohio
Posts: 82
Thank you all for your replys. I have stood firm on what I told him. When he called me this morning....I almost asked who it was. He had a WHOLE different attitude and disposition. (I was told later, by someone else, that he had talked to his sponser...I think that was a good choice.) He never told me that he talked to his sponser, but that's ok, i'm just glad he did.
He asked to come over tomorrow and I said on one condition...I will not repeat the last 4 days. If you want to try and you are serious, fine. He said ok, so we will see how it goes.
Did I tell you I have been looking for a car? Both cars have been in his name for 3 years. He's said he's afraid I will leave if I have one on my name. I told him I had one in my name when we got together and I will have one now, no matter what happens between us.
I am going to look at more cars tomorrow. I will have one in my name by next friday, if not sooner. I have been aproved by one dealer for a 98 Ford Custom Contour. If I don't find anything else I like better, I am getting it.
I am still having trouble dealing with him but will try my best to stay open and honest with him. A friend lent me a book on anger (thank you again Twinkle) so maybe it will enlighten me
Hugs to all
Chandra
He asked to come over tomorrow and I said on one condition...I will not repeat the last 4 days. If you want to try and you are serious, fine. He said ok, so we will see how it goes.
Did I tell you I have been looking for a car? Both cars have been in his name for 3 years. He's said he's afraid I will leave if I have one on my name. I told him I had one in my name when we got together and I will have one now, no matter what happens between us.
I am going to look at more cars tomorrow. I will have one in my name by next friday, if not sooner. I have been aproved by one dealer for a 98 Ford Custom Contour. If I don't find anything else I like better, I am getting it.
I am still having trouble dealing with him but will try my best to stay open and honest with him. A friend lent me a book on anger (thank you again Twinkle) so maybe it will enlighten me
Hugs to all
Chandra
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
....I find it amazing what we do to ourselves. When we are away from them we feel sorry for them but as soon as we are in the same room with them we remember why we did what we did. Maybe when we are feeling down and regretful and doubting our choices we need to call up the A and invite them to lunch....THAT will get us back in the saddle....
Luv,
JT
Luv,
JT
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