I am just sad tonight
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Originally Posted by LaTeeDa 
Oh, and BTW, mine turns 21 in just a couple of days and she's doing fine, despite me and her dad, lol. 
These are tough years, and hormonal ones on top of it all. Its a miracle we all survive teenagehood.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
Hi Lillamy and big hugs. I have nothing to offer in how to handle what is going on with your daughter other than my prayers.
One thing that helped me in dealing with stuff like this was a small change in perspective. To use Al-Anon speak, how important is it? It's school, not life or death. The grades are important but not at the expense of your relationship with her. In zen there is the teaching of the cup is already broken. Look at your favorite cup as already being broken and then enjoy what ever time you have with it to the max.
Don't give up on being a mother and doing what you need to do to help her with what she needs to learn but also don't forget to enjoy the time you have together. They grow up so fast and move on with their own lives before you know it.
BTW, I had similar issues and managed to figure it out as I grew up. I went in the Marines before college. I've done the reboot thing before. Things have a way of working out the way they are supposed to, even if it isn't the way we want them to.
Your friend,
One thing that helped me in dealing with stuff like this was a small change in perspective. To use Al-Anon speak, how important is it? It's school, not life or death. The grades are important but not at the expense of your relationship with her. In zen there is the teaching of the cup is already broken. Look at your favorite cup as already being broken and then enjoy what ever time you have with it to the max.
Don't give up on being a mother and doing what you need to do to help her with what she needs to learn but also don't forget to enjoy the time you have together. They grow up so fast and move on with their own lives before you know it.
BTW, I had similar issues and managed to figure it out as I grew up. I went in the Marines before college. I've done the reboot thing before. Things have a way of working out the way they are supposed to, even if it isn't the way we want them to.
Your friend,
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
I have a couple of thoughts.
The smaller one is that we seem to be talking about her getting "almost" to success, then failing. However, if we get 90% done, that's not failing, that's 90% accomplished. Or 60%. Or 40%. It is progress, and all progress is positive and should build self-esteem. So maybe the framework of what you have to do to get success can be re-defined. Then isn't a cliff that seems unclimbable, and there isn't an edge to fall off when you can't climb to the top of the cliff. Anything and everything you do is progress, and that is worthy.
The other thing is what I remember reading about orphans in world war 2 warzones. The older ones - maybe only 10 or 11 or 12 years old - took charge and essentially acted in loco parentis for the smaller children.
When the war was over and they were re-united with their parents, or placed with comforting, stable adults who take care of them, many of the child-parents regressed way way in maturity. It was as if they had to recoup the developmental stages that had been taken away from them as they acted in the stead of the lost parents.
So maybe redefining "success" as whatever amount of incremental steps forward she can accomplish would help. It might build self-esteem in a quiet way: she will succeed, everyday, she does succeed at small steps, and each of those count.
My former husband was a good manager, and he used to say that every worker has a different horizon. Some workers could only take in what they needed to do to get to lunchtime, so they got 3 hour assignments, with a check-up and new assignment then. Others could do a whole days work on their own. Some needed 3 day projects and resented interference before then. And the rare ones, saw long ahead, wanted multiple task complex projects, and got them done. They were the future managers.
I think this also applies to maturity level, which is not necessarily the same as age appropriate maturity, especially with kids who have been traumatized. Figure out how far she can get and feel productive and good about herself. Then figure out an intervention when you know she's at her comfort limit, and give her credit right then, before she "fails". And then, the next set of tasks and progress aren't attached to what she's already accomplished. She still gets to feel good about that.
Good luck, lillamy, this is so hard and my heart is with you,
ShootingStar1
The smaller one is that we seem to be talking about her getting "almost" to success, then failing. However, if we get 90% done, that's not failing, that's 90% accomplished. Or 60%. Or 40%. It is progress, and all progress is positive and should build self-esteem. So maybe the framework of what you have to do to get success can be re-defined. Then isn't a cliff that seems unclimbable, and there isn't an edge to fall off when you can't climb to the top of the cliff. Anything and everything you do is progress, and that is worthy.
The other thing is what I remember reading about orphans in world war 2 warzones. The older ones - maybe only 10 or 11 or 12 years old - took charge and essentially acted in loco parentis for the smaller children.
When the war was over and they were re-united with their parents, or placed with comforting, stable adults who take care of them, many of the child-parents regressed way way in maturity. It was as if they had to recoup the developmental stages that had been taken away from them as they acted in the stead of the lost parents.
So maybe redefining "success" as whatever amount of incremental steps forward she can accomplish would help. It might build self-esteem in a quiet way: she will succeed, everyday, she does succeed at small steps, and each of those count.
My former husband was a good manager, and he used to say that every worker has a different horizon. Some workers could only take in what they needed to do to get to lunchtime, so they got 3 hour assignments, with a check-up and new assignment then. Others could do a whole days work on their own. Some needed 3 day projects and resented interference before then. And the rare ones, saw long ahead, wanted multiple task complex projects, and got them done. They were the future managers.
I think this also applies to maturity level, which is not necessarily the same as age appropriate maturity, especially with kids who have been traumatized. Figure out how far she can get and feel productive and good about herself. Then figure out an intervention when you know she's at her comfort limit, and give her credit right then, before she "fails". And then, the next set of tasks and progress aren't attached to what she's already accomplished. She still gets to feel good about that.
Good luck, lillamy, this is so hard and my heart is with you,
ShootingStar1
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Wild West, USA
Posts: 407
Has she been assessed for ADD? Yes, it's overdiagnosed, but it is frequently missed in girls, especially bright ones.
That kind of procrastination, foot-dragging and loss of motivation despite having very obvious ability sounds like me as a child and teen; I was taken to multiple therapists and it was always attributed to my debilitating depression, to my mother's death, etc.
But that was not the problem. I was finally tested in my 30s while I was still struggling to finish college, diagnosed with ADD, treated, and my GPA went from a 2.5 to a 4.0 in 1 semester.
Sometimes, the problem is not your life, but your brain.
Best wishes to your family, keeping you in my thoughts.
That kind of procrastination, foot-dragging and loss of motivation despite having very obvious ability sounds like me as a child and teen; I was taken to multiple therapists and it was always attributed to my debilitating depression, to my mother's death, etc.
But that was not the problem. I was finally tested in my 30s while I was still struggling to finish college, diagnosed with ADD, treated, and my GPA went from a 2.5 to a 4.0 in 1 semester.
Sometimes, the problem is not your life, but your brain.
Best wishes to your family, keeping you in my thoughts.
Bunnies!
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,905
That's an interesting thought, BuffaloGal. I could see myself perfectly in lillamy's daughter. It all sounds just like me as a teen, but I'm still reluctant to follow through on anything, and I self-sabotage all the time. My lack of focus has always been attributed to bipolar, but I wonder if I could benefit from ADD testing...
It's worth a look, lillamy. (((Hugs)))
It's worth a look, lillamy. (((Hugs)))
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,281
Great ideas posted here. It helps put things in perspective with our family, too.
One more thought - does she sometimes have low energy? I didn't recognize it until it basically hit me over the head and knocked me out. I'm like that to a T. For decades I would never, ever have thought I had low energy. When I saw it in the older kids, they'd say that it's normal. That may be the new norm, but it's shouldn't be. When you have energy to take care of life, it's not so hard to just do things. The changes in our 6 yr old and myself have been very noticeable. A change-up in foods and some added supplements were needed; meditation and deep breathing have also helped. The kids and I all have some food intolerances, verified by muscle testing to narrow it down better. Environmental toxins were making things worse. Tests done by conventional docs didn't show anything wrong and they wanted to write scripts for depression. I'm not against that when it's needed, but when it's possible to balance out the body it helps protect against long term problems. It took several naturopathic doctors and a lot of online research, but we've made great strides.
One more thought - does she sometimes have low energy? I didn't recognize it until it basically hit me over the head and knocked me out. I'm like that to a T. For decades I would never, ever have thought I had low energy. When I saw it in the older kids, they'd say that it's normal. That may be the new norm, but it's shouldn't be. When you have energy to take care of life, it's not so hard to just do things. The changes in our 6 yr old and myself have been very noticeable. A change-up in foods and some added supplements were needed; meditation and deep breathing have also helped. The kids and I all have some food intolerances, verified by muscle testing to narrow it down better. Environmental toxins were making things worse. Tests done by conventional docs didn't show anything wrong and they wanted to write scripts for depression. I'm not against that when it's needed, but when it's possible to balance out the body it helps protect against long term problems. It took several naturopathic doctors and a lot of online research, but we've made great strides.
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