readerbaby71

He went biking with his friend, and told me he hit a new aa meeting yesterday afternoon. We were texting till about 8:00, just silly stuff here and there. I went to bed around 11:00 and woke at 1:00. He wasn't home. I felt kind of anxious, but not obsessive and sick and worried like I have in the past. I didn't get the best night of sleep because I had all kinds of crazy dreams.

Even if he wasn't drinking and just fell asleep at his friend's, I told him weeks ago that not coming home and not contacting me is a dealbreaker. I don't get it. I haven't texted or called nor do I intend to. I'm just going to tell him that I don't want to be in a relationship with someone who disregards my needs and feelings, especially when it's a specific issue we've been over and over.

Oh well. I don't really know what else to say. I'm glad I'm not a blubbering mess, at least for now. I said what I said and I have to stick with it. He's a great guy and the love of my life but I deserve to be treated with respect, and to me this just shows a total disregard for my feelings. Again. I'm more disappointed than anything.

lorelei

hey readerbaby,

just wanted to send you a hug ((())) its disrespectful of him to treat you like this when you have expressed your feelings about it. I hope you can be strong enough to do what you feel is necessary xx

readerbaby71

Thank you, lorelei. I appreciate it. I've seen you around here and your posts are always so kind and supportive. Congrats on over a month sober!

lorelei

thanks hon xx sending you a big cuddle xx

theseithakas

You're handling this really well, readerbaby. I know it must be incredibly difficult. Good for you for putting yourself first.

Hopeworks

Readerbaby,

I sent you a pm

dandylion

readerbaby---sometimes, the right thing to do is the very hardest thing to do. Ain't that a Bit**?!!

I echo Lorelei---sending you strength!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

dandylion

Skymitchg

Sending you hugs and strength. My ah does that quite often, says he will be back in an hour and I don't see him till late the next afternoon. It is very hurtful and disrespectful, I understand. I would be gone but it's a little tangled and I'm finding it hard bc our son has figured something is not right and told me he does not want us to split. You do deserve respect, love and honesty. Wishing you peace.

honeypig

RB, you are making progress! You absolutely DO deserve respect, and he is certainly showing you none.

The picture gradually becomes clearer once we start to detach a little, doesn't it...

Wishing you continued strength and clarity.

readerbaby71

Thank you all so much for your replies. They help a lot. I shut off my phone and going to focus on some projects I need to get done at work today. I feel strangely calm (with a bit of nausea, lol). I know I'll be fine either way, it's just going to be very painful. I was alone and lonely for a long time and I really thought I found love again. Not gonna think about that though--I'm just going to focus on what I need to do lead a happy and serene life.

Wavy

XABF used to do that a lot, even tho I'd told him how bad it was for me. I understand the way you are feeling, calm, but nauseous. Its so disappointing when you give them every possible opportunity to do the right thing and they just won't, eventually its just a resignation that that is what you've got to do for yourself since he isn't interested in being considerate to your feelings. Its sucks, but it will get better. If he won't respect you, the least you can do is respect yourself/ You sound like you've got a great attitude going there

Lots of (((hugs))) and strength for when he does show up again.

readerbaby71

It's so difficult because he is very caring and attentive in so many ways. Very loving and never, ever abusive. This happens about once a month, but I cannot live with it. It's a deep-rooted issue, drunk or sober. He needs to find out where it's coming from and deal with it. He's in intensive therapy and aa. I just know at this point he needs to be alone to do this.

Okay, peeps, shuttin off the internet and getting to work. Hope you have a good day! xoxox

befuddled1

Well done for sticking to what you said you would. He is pushing the boundaries and expecting you to be there waiting with a happy smile on your face. The number of times my xabf did similar I lost count but god it made me angry. After empty promises from him and loss of trust from me, I too became strangely calm but slightly nauseous (I think maybe it was me lowering my expectations and learning to detach even though I didn't realise that was what I was doing consciously). I broke off for good just last week and even though I miss him and still feel some love (and pity) for him, I'm determined not to go down that path again. The sense of relief and calm I already feel is immense as I'm not waiting for the next let- down or row or lie or whatever. Funny thing was about 2 weeks ago he asked me to come round and I said 'maybe' and decided I didn't want to and he got really cross cos I 'let him down and said I was goin to do something and didn't'!!! Lol I bit my lip wnd didn't say anything but thought now he knows a little of what it feels like. Hugs and strength sent to you xxx

lorelei

how are you today readerbaby xx

RhodeIsland

If he claims he was sober, I can hear it now "but we were in contact, and then I fell asleep sober!"

that is the quacking.

readerbaby71

I'm doing okay. Tired, but not feeling too bad. I ended up going home yesterday around 11:00 and took a nap until 3:30. We talked, cried and came to the conclusion that he needs to get some other kind of treatment and move out. He didn't quack, he didn't make excuses. "He said, "I f-ed up. I know it. I'm sorry. I have no excuse.' He's not the type to turn it on me. He shuts down and cries. That's usually the way it goes.

He already sees a therapist and goes to aa. His failure to contact me about whether he'll be home or not really doesn't have much to do with drinking. It goes much deeper than that, which makes it even more f-ed up. Even though he knows I won't flip out when he says he's not coming home, he can't bring himself to text or call because of the way people have treated him in the past. I basically dragged this out of him when I kept pushing about WHY he keeps doing this.


Coincidentally I received a letter from his aunt (who's been emailing him constantly for the past two weeks). He's been ignoring her because she says very mean and abusive things in her emails. Her letter basically stated that she and his uncle are worried about him because they haven't heard from him in so long. Yesterday he said he is going to deal with it and confront her about the issues he has with the way she has always treated him. His anger and resentment and self-loathing because of this is holding him back and ruining any kind of relationships he tries to forge with people. He texted his uncle yesterday and said he'd be in touch soon. It's not just me who he shuts out. It's pretty much everyone who loves or cares about him.

He needs some kind of more intensive treatment. Whether it's inpatient psychiatric care, rehab or something else, I don't know. He called the therapist today and asked him if he can see a psychiatrist asap. He takes celexa for depression but thinks that he needs something to stablilize his mood. So do I. Ever since he's been working hard at his sobriety he's pretty much manic, always keeping busy until he drops into bed at night. He told me his mind is constantly racing. That's why he used to drink so much. To quiet it. I understand this completely because I used to do it too. Once I was treated for bipolar disorder it was much easier to stop.

Please don't judge me for this, but I am going to let him stay until he figures out a plan for treatment and a living situation. I can't throw him out on his ass tomorrow. I just don't have it in me to do it.

It's all just so sad. Heartbreaking to me. Mental illness is such a struggle, and addiction usually goes hand and hand with it. I know this from my own experience.

I am doing okay. Don't really know what else I can say about myself right now because I am numb. Very sad about what's happening but mostly numb. I'm trying not to overthink things and keep telling myself I'll be fine no matter what. It's just so painful. I am going to see my therapist Friday.

Thank you all again for your kind words and support. I appreciate the love and care I find here.

lorelei

hey honey, no judgement here, just be careful and look after you, ok, don't pour all you have and are into him, say all you need too to your therapist, and see if they can give you some coping mechanisms for yourself, keep strong xx

readerbaby71

One more thing.....my bf does not have medical insurance. I'm really hoping the organization he goes to for counseling can find him somewhere else to get more intensive help. If any of you know how to go about this please let me know.

spiderqueen

Hi readerbaby -
You are obviously a very caring, nurturing person. And your BF is clearly quite ill. So was mine - I truly understand and can relate to your dilemma.

I just wanted to pull out your own words above, not to hit you over the head, but to gently remind you that you are indeed allowed to have a peaceful, calm existence where your needs are being met on a consistent basis.

I agree with Lorelei - we do not judge your choice to help your BF - but we will keep reminding you that YOU come first.

Take care of yourself honey,
SQ

ClearLight

I suggest he look into the new subsidized insurance exchanges offered by the Affordable Care Act.
They have very generous subsidies for folks with limited income. He can't be turned away for previous conditions either - like insurance companies used to do. So - now he does have insurance. And it's affordable.
Click here. It could be a new beginning for both of you.