Girlfriend Detaching from Alcoholic Boyfriend
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: California
Posts: 112
Girlfriend Detaching from Alcoholic Boyfriend
I am 43 years old, divorced with 3 children. Had a 2 year relationship with a man who I have finally realized is an alcoholic. There were many pieces to the puzzle that had to fit together and talking with a professional to realize his problem and make sense of it all.
So my question is this....we have broken up. I deluded myself for a very long time when we broke up 2 months ago, that maybe it was me, not him, etc. I got sucked back in. As recently as Sunday, I went back to him with an open heart hoping we could make it work.
It took me up until that time and a session with a therapist to realize that he is an alcoholic...it's not me.
Now he is trying to reach out to me with phone calls, texts, etc. and I am NOT answering them. This is difficult, as he must think I'm playing games, but what he doesn't realize is all of the answers I now have and that I'm detaching. I want to tell him what I know, but I realize it is fruitless. He doesn't want to know. He is a functioning alcoholic who has gotten by this way for years.
My question is .....am I doing the right thing in completely detaching? No answer to phone calls, texts, etc. Cold turkey with no explanation as to why.
So my question is this....we have broken up. I deluded myself for a very long time when we broke up 2 months ago, that maybe it was me, not him, etc. I got sucked back in. As recently as Sunday, I went back to him with an open heart hoping we could make it work.
It took me up until that time and a session with a therapist to realize that he is an alcoholic...it's not me.
Now he is trying to reach out to me with phone calls, texts, etc. and I am NOT answering them. This is difficult, as he must think I'm playing games, but what he doesn't realize is all of the answers I now have and that I'm detaching. I want to tell him what I know, but I realize it is fruitless. He doesn't want to know. He is a functioning alcoholic who has gotten by this way for years.
My question is .....am I doing the right thing in completely detaching? No answer to phone calls, texts, etc. Cold turkey with no explanation as to why.
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
It depends on what makes you comfortable as I see it. Would you feel better communicating that its over because..... Or are you comfortable that you have said all you need to say? If you don't think you ended it cleanly (for lack of a better word) go ahead and tell him its over and that you want no further contact with him.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 1,358
Welcome to SR, Carolineb. Glad to have you with us.
I agree with Barbara. It's not fruitless to be honest. It may be fruitless for him to understand, or, agree with you, but it's not fruitless for you to tell him how you feel, and why. You owe that to yourself.
I've found that once I explain how I feel and why (if I determine I even need to explain), it's up to me to let go of how the other person perceives it. Although I admit, it's not always easy to let go of the outcome. It takes practice!
Keep coming back!
I agree with Barbara. It's not fruitless to be honest. It may be fruitless for him to understand, or, agree with you, but it's not fruitless for you to tell him how you feel, and why. You owe that to yourself.
I've found that once I explain how I feel and why (if I determine I even need to explain), it's up to me to let go of how the other person perceives it. Although I admit, it's not always easy to let go of the outcome. It takes practice!
Keep coming back!
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Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: California
Posts: 112
More info.
let me further explain....because this really helps me.
We both knew he had 'issues' with drinking, but he convinced me (and himself) that he could do it moderately and I believed it.
Our relationship was filled, now that I'm aware, with manipulation, confrontation....all the classic signs that I now see.
When I went back on Sunday, I still didn't quite get it and thought that maybe if I was more open to a long term partnership, better communication, etc., ....that maybe we could still make it work.
When we had this big talk.....I went to his house and he was drunk. Still...I laid my heart out on the table....and he reacted with anger at being so hurt by me in the past, not trusting me, etc. In other words....this time...he was in control and was shunning me. He felt very powerful.
I left his house feeling sad that it didn't go as I had intended....but relieved in that I had just dodged a bullet. By golly, he's got a drinking problem and I think he just did me a favor. The next day I saw a therapist who put all the pieces together for me. Now I get it.
So....in contacting me yesterday....he is trying to make amends or reconnect after in his eyes...he dumped me. He believes that I am not responding because I am mad and hurt.....not because I realize he is an alcoholic and I am detaching from his web.
I have told myself to continue with this process and that the only way I will ever express to him how I feel is if he physically presents himself to me...in other words, face to face. I'm not going to write him a letter or send him a text message telling him that I'm no longer speaking to him because he's an alcoholic. That doesn't seem right.
If he contacts me again.....is it the right thing to do to continue to not answer him and only speak to him if he physically tracks me down?
We both knew he had 'issues' with drinking, but he convinced me (and himself) that he could do it moderately and I believed it.
Our relationship was filled, now that I'm aware, with manipulation, confrontation....all the classic signs that I now see.
When I went back on Sunday, I still didn't quite get it and thought that maybe if I was more open to a long term partnership, better communication, etc., ....that maybe we could still make it work.
When we had this big talk.....I went to his house and he was drunk. Still...I laid my heart out on the table....and he reacted with anger at being so hurt by me in the past, not trusting me, etc. In other words....this time...he was in control and was shunning me. He felt very powerful.
I left his house feeling sad that it didn't go as I had intended....but relieved in that I had just dodged a bullet. By golly, he's got a drinking problem and I think he just did me a favor. The next day I saw a therapist who put all the pieces together for me. Now I get it.
So....in contacting me yesterday....he is trying to make amends or reconnect after in his eyes...he dumped me. He believes that I am not responding because I am mad and hurt.....not because I realize he is an alcoholic and I am detaching from his web.
I have told myself to continue with this process and that the only way I will ever express to him how I feel is if he physically presents himself to me...in other words, face to face. I'm not going to write him a letter or send him a text message telling him that I'm no longer speaking to him because he's an alcoholic. That doesn't seem right.
If he contacts me again.....is it the right thing to do to continue to not answer him and only speak to him if he physically tracks me down?
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Ah,, with that additional info, I personally would not feel the need to contact him in any way nor to respond to any of his attempts to contact me. He knows why its over. What further would you gain by continuing contact?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Wales
Posts: 523
Hi Caroline nice to meet you. My experience is similar, when we first spilt up i would always tell him that it was because of the drinking. He would promise me that he would do something about it, of course he never would. In the end i was tierd of saying the same thing. Ive ended this relationship again but this time ive not mentioned the drinking, he knows i dont need to repeat myself.
No contact is the only way for you to move on. I was told this so many times and chose not to listen, in doing so i have lost an extra 7 months of my life, dont do the same mistakes as me please.
You sound a strong woman, who deserves better. you do not need to explain to him why you left.
Keep posting
Mairx
No contact is the only way for you to move on. I was told this so many times and chose not to listen, in doing so i have lost an extra 7 months of my life, dont do the same mistakes as me please.
You sound a strong woman, who deserves better. you do not need to explain to him why you left.
Keep posting
Mairx
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: California
Posts: 112
This is a huge help to me
Thanks to all for the quick responses.
I knew nothing about this world of alcoholism and it has been quite an eye opener.
I know I'm on the right track and need to continue ignoring him if he contacts me. I believe the proof is in his actions.....he certainly knows that he could come and see me in person to get to the bottom of my detachment....but I do believe he knows that I figured it out.
If he sees me....then he knows he'll have to face or defend his illness.
I really loved this man and that's the sad part. A great guy.....I just can't compete with his best friend....alcohol.
Let Go and Let God............
I knew nothing about this world of alcoholism and it has been quite an eye opener.
I know I'm on the right track and need to continue ignoring him if he contacts me. I believe the proof is in his actions.....he certainly knows that he could come and see me in person to get to the bottom of my detachment....but I do believe he knows that I figured it out.
If he sees me....then he knows he'll have to face or defend his illness.
I really loved this man and that's the sad part. A great guy.....I just can't compete with his best friend....alcohol.
Let Go and Let God............
up and out
Join Date: Jan 2007
Posts: 185
If he doesn't own his alcoholism then absolutely nothing you say will matter to him unless it is something that plays into his manipulation.
He really has to own and admit to his alcoholism before anything except a bottle will matter.
He really has to own and admit to his alcoholism before anything except a bottle will matter.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 98
It made me ill reading your post...I am so sorry you feel like you do right now. I can so relate to the madness! I was also one who 'quickly' learned all of my relationship was mired in alcoholism's yuckiness.
After a random fight totally unrelated to alcohol, we spent a few days not talking to each other. I did some lurking on this site, and it all suddenly made sense to me. I realized that he was an alcoholic. I awoke from my fog of denial and my six-year relationship ended in a matter of days (in my eyes). He tried to get me back...and is still trying...and I have to keep re-telling him that he is an alcoholic and I am not coming back until he is sober!!! He still thinks that I am miffed about the original fight...not about my sudden realization that he is an alcoholic!
So maybe you should tell him straight up that he is one and you are not okay with it and that is the absolute line you are drawing: sobriety or you. Otherwise, he may be trolling around your neck of the woods forever, like my exabf! The pain of this non-closure with him is overwelming...I hope you come to a better resolution than I have.
After a random fight totally unrelated to alcohol, we spent a few days not talking to each other. I did some lurking on this site, and it all suddenly made sense to me. I realized that he was an alcoholic. I awoke from my fog of denial and my six-year relationship ended in a matter of days (in my eyes). He tried to get me back...and is still trying...and I have to keep re-telling him that he is an alcoholic and I am not coming back until he is sober!!! He still thinks that I am miffed about the original fight...not about my sudden realization that he is an alcoholic!
So maybe you should tell him straight up that he is one and you are not okay with it and that is the absolute line you are drawing: sobriety or you. Otherwise, he may be trolling around your neck of the woods forever, like my exabf! The pain of this non-closure with him is overwelming...I hope you come to a better resolution than I have.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: California
Posts: 112
tryingtoheal~
I have read your past posts...and we certainly have some similarities.
If you ever need to vent....please pm me.
Right now, my stance is no contact. Period. I'm sure I'll hear from him again, and as painful as it is because he doesn't know what I know.....I can't get sucked back in. I can't continue to get caught in the web that addiciton casts out.
I also know that if I tell him about his alcoholism....he won't hear it because he's not ready to and doesn't want to do anything about it. He's highly functioning and if he ever feels loss of control, he'll stop drinking for a while and everything is great (in his eyes).
We also live very close to each other and if he knew that I thought he was an alcoholic, he would be horrified at the thought of who I had told and what people might be saying about him. So, some may say, 'who cares'....but this is essentially a good man. Not abusive, etc. He needs to figure this out on his own and in his own time. Humiliation and 'outing' him will do him no favors.
Best to you. Thanks for all of your posts. I have read them and they make me feel like I have a kindred spirit.:ghug3
I have read your past posts...and we certainly have some similarities.
If you ever need to vent....please pm me.
Right now, my stance is no contact. Period. I'm sure I'll hear from him again, and as painful as it is because he doesn't know what I know.....I can't get sucked back in. I can't continue to get caught in the web that addiciton casts out.
I also know that if I tell him about his alcoholism....he won't hear it because he's not ready to and doesn't want to do anything about it. He's highly functioning and if he ever feels loss of control, he'll stop drinking for a while and everything is great (in his eyes).
We also live very close to each other and if he knew that I thought he was an alcoholic, he would be horrified at the thought of who I had told and what people might be saying about him. So, some may say, 'who cares'....but this is essentially a good man. Not abusive, etc. He needs to figure this out on his own and in his own time. Humiliation and 'outing' him will do him no favors.
Best to you. Thanks for all of your posts. I have read them and they make me feel like I have a kindred spirit.:ghug3
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Imperial Bch, California
Posts: 1
Readin this page gave me some strength. I really loved this nice guy 4 10 years and told him This is really it this time. He has 2 be loaded, 24/7. It hurts me and at the same time he stresses me out. I am tired of talkin to him about his addictions. He is lieing more n more. I decided not to communicate. I am disabled and he keeps tellin me, "That he is the only one that helps me and he loves me." Yet he spends less n less time with me and he purposely stresses me out. He cant wait to meet up with his friends and or go to the bar. Just 1, he says hes had, all the time. He's in his mid 50's, I think hes actin like a teenager. Am I doin the right thing? I know its going to be hard and I am hurt really bad emotionally. I am tired of feeling hurt.
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Australia
Posts: 285
Hello and welcome to SR. Your circumstances are sooo similar to mine
Divorced mum of 3 meets Mr Charming , hard working, great, and so nice...Oh Dear a year later a lightbulb went off and i realised he was an alcoholic. Damn!
I dont believe it matters what he is thinking about you or why you are not responding. You are having no contact for yor own reasonable reasons. You have no obligation to clarify anything.
I vote for NO Contact.
Divorced mum of 3 meets Mr Charming , hard working, great, and so nice...Oh Dear a year later a lightbulb went off and i realised he was an alcoholic. Damn!
He believes that I am not responding because I am mad and hurt.....not because I realize he is an alcoholic and I am detaching from his web.
I vote for NO Contact.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 99
psamms, you are doing the right thing. My AH of over 30 yrs is 60 and he's not going to change just as your guy in his 50's isn't going to change. His love is always going to be alcohol and you will always come second. Believe me, I should know because I've been second to my AH behind alcohol forever. You deserve to be first to the guy you extend your love to just as your lover deserves to be first in your life.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Hi, psamms,
I really suggest you find an Al-Anon meeting. Meeting other people going through similar issues will help you get your head straight so you can make good, healthy decisions for your life.
Hugs, and welcome,
I really suggest you find an Al-Anon meeting. Meeting other people going through similar issues will help you get your head straight so you can make good, healthy decisions for your life.
Hugs, and welcome,
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1
Clean detachment
It IS better to break cleanly away. I tried slow detachment and messages were filled with false hopes and lies. Neither or us could move forward with slow, partial detachment. My boyfriend was a man I believed I could marry. He was controlling and manipulative each time he promised to sober up. Every promise was a lie.
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