My boyfriend is a HFA, I don't know what to do :(
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 188
Originally Posted by thislonelygirl 
Genuine advice -
Walk away. Youve only been with him 4 months and hes not just an alcoholic. Hes a full blown addict. Doing everything under the sun.
I know you like this guy but ask yourself why? And more than for the excitement. What future do you see? Not possible future but future as things are now?
Walk away. Youve only been with him 4 months and hes not just an alcoholic. Hes a full blown addict. Doing everything under the sun.
I know you like this guy but ask yourself why? And more than for the excitement. What future do you see? Not possible future but future as things are now?
If you can't walk away, go find Al-Anon..You can learn there how to deal w/ this in an appropriate way...which will mean detachment with love...and working on yourself.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 42
My only advice is to run. I used to refer to my stbxah as a high functioning alcoholic. Now I hate that term. There is nothing high functioning about a person with a drinking problem. Unfortunately most alcoholics do not get sober. As everyone is telling you it is a progressive disease. I never imagined how quickly things could totally spiral out of control. No matter how much you love this man are you willing to give up your life for him? There is a small chance that he will get help now, stay sober, and you will have a happy life together. This is very unlikely to happen. The most likely course is that his drinking will continue to increase and both your lives will become total chaos. You cannot help him. This is his problem to deal with and nothing you do or say is going to impact his drinking. You are still young. Whatever dreams or hopes you have for your life probably aren't going to come true as long as you stay with him. You can't even imagine all the ways being married to or involved with an A long term will affect your life.
I AM CANADIAN
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Niagara Region, Canada
Posts: 2,578
Originally Posted by catlovermi
*
Just remember... when you met him, he was 35 and single for VALID REASONS!!!
Just remember... when you met him, he was 35 and single for VALID REASONS!!!
aah codependency....what a word eh?
Melody Beattie has an awesome book to read...CO DEPENDENT NO MORE...read it...it will open your eyes...
your gonna or already is a HOSTAGE...
I wanna yell RUN! but not before you get the codependent stuff...
try and make this about YOU, not him...his issues are NOT YOURS
3C's
you did not cause this
you can not control it
and there is no cure..
but the 3 A's
Awareness
Acceptance(Anger)
ACTION!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Virginia
Posts: 5
[QUOTE=atalose;4203153]Please listen to your friends.
One of two things are going to happen:
2. he will grow tried of you attempting to get in the way of his booze and end the relationship.
------------------------------------
Wow! I am new here and makes so much sense in my situation. Besides the drinking I knew about, there was secretive drinking. Same with a porn addiction. Once he started making mistakes and the cat was out of the bag, I got the *i don't love you anymore* and he moved out 4 months later. This was a 26 year marriage.
I agree--- RUN---Moby---this could be you in 25 years. My STBX husband has long term alcohol problems. You are seeing the tip of the iceberg of your BFs issues. We will always be second (or third or fourth) behind their addictions.
Hugs, Freed
One of two things are going to happen:
2. he will grow tried of you attempting to get in the way of his booze and end the relationship.
------------------------------------
Wow! I am new here and makes so much sense in my situation. Besides the drinking I knew about, there was secretive drinking. Same with a porn addiction. Once he started making mistakes and the cat was out of the bag, I got the *i don't love you anymore* and he moved out 4 months later. This was a 26 year marriage.
I agree--- RUN---Moby---this could be you in 25 years. My STBX husband has long term alcohol problems. You are seeing the tip of the iceberg of your BFs issues. We will always be second (or third or fourth) behind their addictions.
Hugs, Freed
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
RUN AWAY is what you do. Thi swill only get worse.
Originally Posted by M0by
Hi everyone, not sure where to start here.. I'm really new to this environment and have felt stressed for a couple of weeks on what to do. I apologise in advance for any ignorance or inaccuracies on my part!!
I'm going to try and not make this really long and bore anyone, I really would appreciate some advice.
I only met my boyfriend around 4 months ago and we both totally fell in love! I'm 28 & he's 35 and we've both had similar mishaps in our love life etc. I thought I found the perfect guy until I just noticed more & more how much he drank. I would always bring a bottle round and he would have 1 ready and we would have a great night around 2/3 times a week. It's all new and fun in the 'honeymoon' period so I didn't think anything of it. But the more I came over, the more I realised this was an every night thing. And if I wasn't round and he phoned me, he would always be drunk.
One night he got nasty about something & I was shocked, so I confronted him about it (non-aggressively) the next morning and said I was quite worried that he might have a problem - and he agreed he drank too much. Thinking things would get better, things actually just got worse and we've suddenly had big rows which I would never have expected! He gets so defensive when I just try and tell him I'm upset. He tells me I'm being aggressive with my tone, when at the most my voice pitch is heightened as I'm about to cry! I don't shout or swear at him at all. I'm not perfect, 2/3 times recently when I've been drunk too I have gone mad!
We had another argument yesterday, he said he wasn't sure about me because of the recent rows and this really hurt me
I just quietly cried and said ok thinking it's over - and then I asked him what had I done wrong? I tried to be caring and help him and always considered him in everything I did. (Just things like cooking meals and picking up things from the shops etc). And then he shocked me and broke down crying saying he's sorry! He admitted he had a problem and I felt so sad for him.
Today was another story, thinking he would be open to talk about things he was completely defensive and said all I do is tell him he's a problem! I tried my best to say we have to both discuss things when we're upset and work together but he wouldn't have any of it. He said he was ending the conversation and would speak to me later.. as if it was all my fault! It was a long, miserable day and I called him in the evening - and 8pm and he's already drunk. I tried to be really careful and tactful and get him talking. He apologised and admitted that he does drink a lot and once he's had 1, he can't stop - but he's not an alcoholic. He told me he went to a few AA meetings in the past but they weren't for him. He even said that all of his past relationships have ended probably all because of his drinking.
So all I've done for the past 5 hours is research - and HFA best describes him. Oh, we also work together and not in a million years would anyone guess that he's a drinker! I'm a normal 9-5 worker but he works a shift pattern where he has loads of time off with not a lot to do..! I've told 2 of my girlfriends about this, they are both trying to help but think it will end in disaster..
I know that I love him enough to help him - even as a friend. I think it'll be a struggle but I want to try. I just don't know where to start!
He is also off with some friends on the weekend and they're all planning to get totally drunk and do as many drugs as possible. (He's also an avid weed smoker daily too but there'll be white stuff I'm sure).
So what do I do? He has so many signs with being defensive but I don't know how to talk to him without him thinking I'm being accusing or negative. I'm not supposed to be super nice and condone his behaviour to drink all weekend am I??
And should I just give up drinking when I'm with him? (I'm totally happy to do that, it wouldn't bother me). I normally stay up with him if I have stayed sober and try and drag him at bed at 2/3am! Should I just leave him and go by myself at a reasonable time?
I just don't know what level of support and being nice I should be so that I don't do the opposite and seem like I'm ignoring / encouraging the behaviour.
He has no family or friends close by and the ones i've met once, I really don't know them well enough to approach them about this.
Please, I hope someone can offer some advice. I'm also very sorry how long this post has been!
Any help is appreciated x
I'm going to try and not make this really long and bore anyone, I really would appreciate some advice.
I only met my boyfriend around 4 months ago and we both totally fell in love! I'm 28 & he's 35 and we've both had similar mishaps in our love life etc. I thought I found the perfect guy until I just noticed more & more how much he drank. I would always bring a bottle round and he would have 1 ready and we would have a great night around 2/3 times a week. It's all new and fun in the 'honeymoon' period so I didn't think anything of it. But the more I came over, the more I realised this was an every night thing. And if I wasn't round and he phoned me, he would always be drunk.
One night he got nasty about something & I was shocked, so I confronted him about it (non-aggressively) the next morning and said I was quite worried that he might have a problem - and he agreed he drank too much. Thinking things would get better, things actually just got worse and we've suddenly had big rows which I would never have expected! He gets so defensive when I just try and tell him I'm upset. He tells me I'm being aggressive with my tone, when at the most my voice pitch is heightened as I'm about to cry! I don't shout or swear at him at all. I'm not perfect, 2/3 times recently when I've been drunk too I have gone mad!
We had another argument yesterday, he said he wasn't sure about me because of the recent rows and this really hurt me
I just quietly cried and said ok thinking it's over - and then I asked him what had I done wrong? I tried to be caring and help him and always considered him in everything I did. (Just things like cooking meals and picking up things from the shops etc). And then he shocked me and broke down crying saying he's sorry! He admitted he had a problem and I felt so sad for him.
Today was another story, thinking he would be open to talk about things he was completely defensive and said all I do is tell him he's a problem! I tried my best to say we have to both discuss things when we're upset and work together but he wouldn't have any of it. He said he was ending the conversation and would speak to me later.. as if it was all my fault! It was a long, miserable day and I called him in the evening - and 8pm and he's already drunk. I tried to be really careful and tactful and get him talking. He apologised and admitted that he does drink a lot and once he's had 1, he can't stop - but he's not an alcoholic. He told me he went to a few AA meetings in the past but they weren't for him. He even said that all of his past relationships have ended probably all because of his drinking.
So all I've done for the past 5 hours is research - and HFA best describes him. Oh, we also work together and not in a million years would anyone guess that he's a drinker! I'm a normal 9-5 worker but he works a shift pattern where he has loads of time off with not a lot to do..! I've told 2 of my girlfriends about this, they are both trying to help but think it will end in disaster..
I know that I love him enough to help him - even as a friend. I think it'll be a struggle but I want to try. I just don't know where to start!
He is also off with some friends on the weekend and they're all planning to get totally drunk and do as many drugs as possible. (He's also an avid weed smoker daily too but there'll be white stuff I'm sure).
So what do I do? He has so many signs with being defensive but I don't know how to talk to him without him thinking I'm being accusing or negative. I'm not supposed to be super nice and condone his behaviour to drink all weekend am I??
And should I just give up drinking when I'm with him? (I'm totally happy to do that, it wouldn't bother me). I normally stay up with him if I have stayed sober and try and drag him at bed at 2/3am! Should I just leave him and go by myself at a reasonable time?
I just don't know what level of support and being nice I should be so that I don't do the opposite and seem like I'm ignoring / encouraging the behaviour.
He has no family or friends close by and the ones i've met once, I really don't know them well enough to approach them about this.
Please, I hope someone can offer some advice.
I'm also very sorry how long this post has been!Any help is appreciated x
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Here and now
Posts: 325
Originally Posted by catlovermi
*
Just remember... when you met him, he was 35 and single for VALID REASONS!!!
Just remember... when you met him, he was 35 and single for VALID REASONS!!!
What's hurtful is that after 3 months post break up and yup, you guessed it, I miss him terribly!!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
Dear MOby...this new boyfriend is showing you who he is.....BELIEVE HIM. He is an alcoholic, an addict. He admits he can't control it, he states that's probably the reason other girlfriends left. When there is an argument, he is turning it on you.
I know you think you love him enough to help him. If love was enough, none of us would be on this site. All our alcoholics would be sober. Love has nothing to do with it. Sadly, you can't help him. This isn't yours to fix. He isn't showing any signs of stopping, hell he doesn't even admit he's an alcoholic!!! If you step in to "help" you just soften the consequences for him and that's enabling. Really unhealthy for you.
Your girlfriends are right. You ask what do you do. Here's the answer: Get out of his way. Get out of his path. Focus on YOU, your health and sanity. Leave him to his Higher Power. If you feel like you're his salvation, then get yourself to AlAnon and start working on your codependency issues.
It's only been 4 months, that's nothing. Read on here about all of us who have been in this for years, none of us would do it again if we knew the truth up front. You're in the early stages of dating, and you're in trouble already. There is nothing wrong with just saying "this isn't working for me" and move on in your life. If you make the alcohol the issue to the alcoholic, I promise he will turn on the charm in order to keep you enmeshed.
I wish you the best, but I hope you listen to your head and not your heart. RUN.
I know you think you love him enough to help him. If love was enough, none of us would be on this site. All our alcoholics would be sober. Love has nothing to do with it. Sadly, you can't help him. This isn't yours to fix. He isn't showing any signs of stopping, hell he doesn't even admit he's an alcoholic!!! If you step in to "help" you just soften the consequences for him and that's enabling. Really unhealthy for you.
Your girlfriends are right. You ask what do you do. Here's the answer: Get out of his way. Get out of his path. Focus on YOU, your health and sanity. Leave him to his Higher Power. If you feel like you're his salvation, then get yourself to AlAnon and start working on your codependency issues.
It's only been 4 months, that's nothing. Read on here about all of us who have been in this for years, none of us would do it again if we knew the truth up front. You're in the early stages of dating, and you're in trouble already. There is nothing wrong with just saying "this isn't working for me" and move on in your life. If you make the alcohol the issue to the alcoholic, I promise he will turn on the charm in order to keep you enmeshed.
I wish you the best, but I hope you listen to your head and not your heart. RUN.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
I think when people here tell you to run, they are thinking of your best interests, and with the experience that these situations usually get a lot worse before they get better.
But nobody is telling you to run from us, from your thread. I hope you revisit it. Sometimes when a new member posts like this, and is told to run, we never hear from them again. They run from us, instead of the drinker.
Recovering2's advice is spot on. Get out of his way. He's going to do what he's going to do.
The trick is to never let go of your grounded sanity, no matter what he does. That place inside yourself where you feel ok, good, comfortable with yourself, not filled with anxiety, and believe yourself and don't question your sanity. That place where you feel sure of yourself.
If you don't feel sure of yourself, and are questioning yourself, then seek help for YOU. Because that is what usually happens, and it's not fair to yourself or your sense of well-being.
But nobody is telling you to run from us, from your thread. I hope you revisit it. Sometimes when a new member posts like this, and is told to run, we never hear from them again. They run from us, instead of the drinker.
Recovering2's advice is spot on. Get out of his way. He's going to do what he's going to do.
The trick is to never let go of your grounded sanity, no matter what he does. That place inside yourself where you feel ok, good, comfortable with yourself, not filled with anxiety, and believe yourself and don't question your sanity. That place where you feel sure of yourself.
If you don't feel sure of yourself, and are questioning yourself, then seek help for YOU. Because that is what usually happens, and it's not fair to yourself or your sense of well-being.
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