My boyfriend is a HFA, I don't know what to do :(

Old 09-25-2013, 07:31 PM
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My boyfriend is a HFA, I don't know what to do :(

Hi everyone, not sure where to start here.. I'm really new to this environment and have felt stressed for a couple of weeks on what to do. I apologise in advance for any ignorance or inaccuracies on my part!!

I'm going to try and not make this really long and bore anyone, I really would appreciate some advice.

I only met my boyfriend around 4 months ago and we both totally fell in love! I'm 28 & he's 35 and we've both had similar mishaps in our love life etc. I thought I found the perfect guy until I just noticed more & more how much he drank. I would always bring a bottle round and he would have 1 ready and we would have a great night around 2/3 times a week. It's all new and fun in the 'honeymoon' period so I didn't think anything of it. But the more I came over, the more I realised this was an every night thing. And if I wasn't round and he phoned me, he would always be drunk.

One night he got nasty about something & I was shocked, so I confronted him about it (non-aggressively) the next morning and said I was quite worried that he might have a problem - and he agreed he drank too much. Thinking things would get better, things actually just got worse and we've suddenly had big rows which I would never have expected! He gets so defensive when I just try and tell him I'm upset. He tells me I'm being aggressive with my tone, when at the most my voice pitch is heightened as I'm about to cry! I don't shout or swear at him at all. I'm not perfect, 2/3 times recently when I've been drunk too I have gone mad!

We had another argument yesterday, he said he wasn't sure about me because of the recent rows and this really hurt me

I just quietly cried and said ok thinking it's over - and then I asked him what had I done wrong? I tried to be caring and help him and always considered him in everything I did. (Just things like cooking meals and picking up things from the shops etc). And then he shocked me and broke down crying saying he's sorry! He admitted he had a problem and I felt so sad for him.

Today was another story, thinking he would be open to talk about things he was completely defensive and said all I do is tell him he's a problem! I tried my best to say we have to both discuss things when we're upset and work together but he wouldn't have any of it. He said he was ending the conversation and would speak to me later.. as if it was all my fault! It was a long, miserable day and I called him in the evening - and 8pm and he's already drunk. I tried to be really careful and tactful and get him talking. He apologised and admitted that he does drink a lot and once he's had 1, he can't stop - but he's not an alcoholic. He told me he went to a few AA meetings in the past but they weren't for him. He even said that all of his past relationships have ended probably all because of his drinking.

So all I've done for the past 5 hours is research - and HFA best describes him. Oh, we also work together and not in a million years would anyone guess that he's a drinker! I'm a normal 9-5 worker but he works a shift pattern where he has loads of time off with not a lot to do..! I've told 2 of my girlfriends about this, they are both trying to help but think it will end in disaster..

I know that I love him enough to help him - even as a friend. I think it'll be a struggle but I want to try. I just don't know where to start!

He is also off with some friends on the weekend and they're all planning to get totally drunk and do as many drugs as possible. (He's also an avid weed smoker daily too but there'll be white stuff I'm sure).

So what do I do? He has so many signs with being defensive but I don't know how to talk to him without him thinking I'm being accusing or negative. I'm not supposed to be super nice and condone his behaviour to drink all weekend am I??

And should I just give up drinking when I'm with him? (I'm totally happy to do that, it wouldn't bother me). I normally stay up with him if I have stayed sober and try and drag him at bed at 2/3am! Should I just leave him and go by myself at a reasonable time?

I just don't know what level of support and being nice I should be so that I don't do the opposite and seem like I'm ignoring / encouraging the behaviour.

He has no family or friends close by and the ones i've met once, I really don't know them well enough to approach them about this.

Please, I hope someone can offer some advice. I'm also very sorry how long this post has been!

Any help is appreciated x
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Old 09-25-2013, 08:05 PM
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I know that I love him enough to help him - even as a friend. I think it'll be a struggle but I want to try. I just don't know where to start!*

-[you didnt cause it . You cant control it and you cant cure it.
You can support him by learning about addiction . Sr is a good place to start and by being healthy and learning to detach. Helping yourself You can give him the info to get well but he has to want too.


He is also off with some friends on the weekend and they're all planning to get totally drunk and do as many drugs as possible. (He's also an avid weed smoker daily too but there'll be white stuff I'm sure).*

-he is choosing to do that. He is his own person and he makes the decision to get well or stay sick.
You cant do that for him. If and when hes ready....if he ever is ready he will need to make the decision to let those people go and to drop all drug use



And should I just give up drinking when I'm with him? (I'm totally happy to do that, it wouldn't bother me). I normally stay up with him if I have stayed sober and try and drag him at bed at 2/3am! Should I just leave him and go by myself at a reasonable time?*

-if your tired go to bed. By dragging him to bed you are protecting him from the consequences of drinking.he has to see the cause and effect of his drug amd alcohol use.
I stopped drinking a long time ago ....if you wamt to drink ok but I would suggest NOT doing so around him . Addicts like to blame game .
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Old 09-25-2013, 08:13 PM
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My boyfriend is a HFA, I don't know what to do Hi everyone, not sure where to start here.. I'm really new to this environment and have felt stressed for a couple of weeks on what to do. I apologise in advance for any ignorance or inaccuracies on my part!!*I'm going to try and not make this really long and bore anyone, I really would appreciate some advice.*I only met my boyfriend around 4 months ago and we both totally fell in love! I'm 28 & he's 35 and we've both had similar mishaps in our love life etc. I thought I found the perfect guy until I just noticed more & more how much he drank. I would always bring a bottle round and he would have 1 ready and we would have a great night around 2/3 times a week. It's all new and fun in the 'honeymoon' period so I didn't think anything of it.


Genuine advice -
Walk away. Youve only been with him 4 months and hes not just an alcoholic. Hes a full blown addict. Doing everything under the sun.
I know you like this guy but ask yourself why? And more than for the excitement. What future do you see? Not possible future but future as things are now?
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Old 09-25-2013, 09:22 PM
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Hi, thanks for sharing. It's great that you have been able to identify him as a HFA so quickly into your relationship. This is a huge blessing. Unfortunately, "HFA" is only a stage of the progressive disease that is alcoholism. In other words it isn't going to get better but worse.

If 4 months ago before you two had become physically intimate if he had shown all these colors would you still be into him? Keep reading here on SR. The whole point of dating it to try people on for size to see if you are a good match. This is a red flag that indicates you are not a good match. A healthy relationship is not possible with an alcoholic. Save yourself the pain and end it.

The crazy part of all this, and for many of us here, is that we feel so IN LOVE with the alcoholic and it's so hard to leave, we finally leave when everything has gone to sh*t. Get out before it goes there.

This is what I told my xagf. "If you are ever sober for a year, give me a call". Keep reading on here and you will see how many of the heart felt stories have so much in common and so much to teach. Time is valuable on this earth, you can chose to meet someone else and spend your time with someone isn't addicted. Where compulsivity and addiction exist, TRUE intimacy, can not.
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Old 09-25-2013, 11:12 PM
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"I only met my boyfriend around 4 months ago and we both totally fell in love!" (m0BY)

^^^^^^^^ It would be in your best interest to SLOW DOWN^^^^^^^^^^^^

Four months is NOT a reasonable/acceptable length of time to be professing your never ending love for this guy.

The reason people date is so they can GET to know each other. 4 months is the tip of the iceberg in the big picture of life.

Perhaps, he is not who you think he is. ( More will be revealed)

Perhaps, this is more lust than love?

IMHO, there are quite a few bombs going off here.

I can only suggest you start taking care of yourself.

From personal experience, I believe more heartache and pain are in your future, ( if you choose to stay in this toxic situation )

With only 4 months invested all I can offer.......... RUN, and don't look back.

Seriously, if this is what this situation has become after 4 months, what do you think it will look like next year?

Save yourself, my friend.
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Old 09-25-2013, 11:25 PM
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I don't even see what's high functioning.

Binging all weekend, fighting with you? Really he doesn't sound like a great guy to be around.

Sometimes the job is the last thing to go. Many addicts will rationalize, look, I have a job, I can't be that bad...

He's been to AA, and it's not for him. Of course not, they encourage abstinence there!

If he's not trying to quit, (and perhaps even if he is) this is just a personal hell that you are beginning to slip into.

I'd get out while it hasn't dragged you down too far.
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Old 09-25-2013, 11:28 PM
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Another thing.

Support to a healthy person is enabling dysfunctional behavior to an addict.

It would be a real good idea to get educated about this, because everything that a nice normal person does in the desire to help someone in his shoes will make it worse, and make you miserable. Sucks but it's true.
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Old 09-26-2013, 12:11 AM
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Four months is still the honeymoon phase, and you've already got questions about this guy. I also fail to see what's so high functioning about him. It looks more like the express train to Nowheresville. Alcoholism is a progressive disease, and since he's double-dipping (or triple-, maybe quadruple-dipping), he's probably going to deteriorate faster than others might. Right now the future with this guy is looking pretty miserable for you. Are you attracted to him physically, maybe he's good in bed? There are other guys who can do that too and aren't complete losers. Does he provide you with intellectually stimulating conversation? While I doubt that's the case, there are other non-crazy guys who can play Trivial Pursuit with you. What do you REALLY know about him after only four months? Lust is so much different than love, sweetheart. Active users are manipulative, abusive, lying, cheating, selfish a-holes. Love is none of those things. You deserve real love, and this isn't it.
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Old 09-26-2013, 05:10 AM
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I stopped reading at, I've known him for 4 months. I skimmed the rest but will read more later because I'm taking AH to Dr shortly.

My number one advice to you is to RUN! Run fast n don't look back! You will never help him!!!!
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Old 09-26-2013, 05:46 AM
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Run Moby Run!!!! Its only been four months its easy to let go now. I held on for 6 years, waiting for something to happen . Stupid, stupid me, what a waste of six years, got nothing out of that relationship except for anger, emotional and mental abuse.They aren't reliable as partners. Look at you ,you are hurting and who is causing it ??? HIM. Is he there for you, NO. They simply don't care, they can't all they think of is there Number 1 LOVE........... BOOZE. It doesn't matter how beautiful you are or how kind and caring you are or how much you do for them, how much you love them, all that goes unnoticed. So run Moby run!!!! It only gets worse.
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Old 09-26-2013, 05:58 AM
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Moby - I agree with the folks when they say "run" and don't look back. You haven't known this guy that long and you cannot fix him. We tend to think we can. You have to think you deserve better than this. You deserve a happy and PEACEFUL life. If you continue in this fashion, there will be no peace. He tells you he knows he has a drinking issue and wants help but his actions say otherwise. This is manipulation. He will do anything to keep a caring, loving person in his life. Caretakers become codependent and it appears you are already showing signs of being obsessed with his behaviors instead of taking care of yourself. Only you can make the choice to stay or go just like he has to make the choice to drink or not. I am in the process of divorcing my AH of almost 12 years. I didn't see his true colors until after we were married. You can see his now. Really look and think of what a future with this guy will be like. Then think of what you want out of life. You are so young. You have a right to be happy!!!!
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Old 09-26-2013, 05:59 AM
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He's not a HFA. If he is nasty to you and you are having big "rows" when you are still in your "honeymoon period" well, honey, he's just another run-of-the-mill abusive drunk.

Tell him to enjoy his drug f*cked and alcohol fuelled weekend with his bros and then GTFO, run, run, run.

New phone number for you.

Unfriend him on FB and RUN!
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Old 09-26-2013, 06:05 AM
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I've told 2 of my girlfriends about this, they are both trying to help but think it will end in disaster
Please listen to your friends.

He has no family or friends close by and the ones i've met once, I really don't know them well enough to approach them about this.
It's not up to YOU or his family or his friends to help him, he has to want to get help for himself. There is a big difference between him admitting he has a problem and him actually doing something about it.

Based on the above quote, don't turn yourself into his only, you are NOT his salvation. His relationship with alcoholic was there long before you came along 4 short months ago and will proably remain until HE decides HE wants to do something about it.

One of two things are going to happen:

1. you will grow tried of attempting to fix and repair him and end your hurt by ending the relaitonship.

2. he will grow tried of you attempting to get in the way of his booze and end the relationship.

It never ends pretty when they make the choice to continue to drink and you make the choice to hold on to them.
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Old 09-26-2013, 07:36 AM
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Originally Posted by atalose View Post


One of two things are going to happen:

1. you will grow tried of attempting to fix and repair him and end your hurt by ending the relaitonship.

2. he will grow tried of you attempting to get in the way of his booze and end the relationship.

It never ends pretty when they make the choice to continue to drink and you make the choice to hold on to them.
This is so true, and so clearly and simply put!

I was a number 2. Exabf emotionally trashed me for four years, I stuck by him because I "loved" him, and then he got sick of me being in the way of his drinking and dumped me with less care than he probably uses when disposing of his empties. Not very good for my self esteem and NOT FUN.

If you can't get the h*ll away from this guy, please educate yourself and work towards understanding that you can not help him. We don't want to see you grab the hand of a drowning man who is just going to pull you down with him.

I know it is hard to wrap your head around all of this. We are here for you no matter what you do without judgement.

Hugs
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Old 09-26-2013, 08:18 AM
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once he's had 1, he can't stop - but he's not an alcoholic.
That right there is pretty much the definition of an alcoholic.

So let's see what you have here: A guy who gets drunk every night, who smokes weed, and who uses "white stuff."

My question to you is: How do you see yourself? What is it in your view of yourself that makes you think that he is a good partner? Why don't you think you deserve a decent partner who treats you well?

That's where I would focus my energy. Not on him. Because as others have said, you can't help him. Addicts are like drowning people, they'll drag you down with them if you don't watch out.
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Old 09-26-2013, 08:21 AM
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You want to help him. You love him.
Don't we all.
If a person is truly unhappy with themselves, do they really need or want the help of others to change who they are?
On the surface, it may appear so.
But I tell you, every time a person changes their life, and who they are, they do so by themselves, and for themselves.
If our will to change someone else was productive, then we would all be crazy running around this planet changing each other.
The truth is simpler. Every time a person wants to change, they do. Every time a person doesn't want to change, they don't.
And it all comes from within themselves, not from our idealistic "love".
As Tina Turner said, What's love got to do with it?
Nothing.
Love from another is beautiful! But it doesn't have a darn thing to do with people giving up alcohol, except perhaps, when they realize they don't have any love from any person on the planet. Essentially cut off from all love. I mean having used up and been rejected from every single source of love they can find.
Then there's the epiphany.

People who are addicted to alcohol give it up when they hurt from its effects very very very badly. I can't stress the very badly enough. Yeah, that badly. Like the worst feeling inside themselves imaginable badly.
And never before.
You can love him until pigs fly.
He will love alcohol until his pain is severe. Not melodramatically severe, but truthfully severe.
Not like love.
But pain.
Love doesn't seem to cure alcoholism. Pain does.
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Old 09-26-2013, 08:46 AM
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^^^ That pain will come in any and all ways possible as long as he leaves himself open to experience it. And, as long as that bottle is open, rest assured, it will come. You will not stop it.

Ask me how I know...
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Old 09-26-2013, 09:18 AM
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Welcome M0by...I have two things to say, that mainly reiterate everyone else...
  1. RUN!!! Get out NOW!!!
  2. It sounds like you already have some codependent tendencies...so you may want to learn about this (Codependent No More is a great book), figure out why you think someone like this is a good partner, and learn to see yourself as deserving better and then go out and get it. SR is a great resource - please continue to read & post, Al-Anon is a very helpful face-to-face resource, and there are many books & resources about addiction, codependency, etc. Time to stop worrying about him and take care of you!
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Old 09-26-2013, 09:37 AM
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Just remember... when you met him, he was 35 and single for VALID REASONS!!!
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Old 09-26-2013, 09:40 AM
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Originally Posted by catlovermi View Post
*




Just remember... when you met him, he was 35 and single for VALID REASONS!!!



OMG CatLover, how I wish I had been emotionally well enough to see this in my own AH!! He was sober and in recovery when we got together, but there were sooooo many red flags that I ignored that were totally distinct from any addiction issues.
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