NWGRITS

I spent yesterday trying to not go into full-fledged codie mode after my grandmother finally hit her breaking point with AM and let it all out on the phone with me. A little backstory for those who aren't in the ACOA threads: My mother has been an A longer than I've been alive. I grew up in an A home with an enabling and codie family, being ridiculed for being the black sheep, "the bad daughter," and the list goes on. I went No Contact a little over a year ago, after AM nearly caused me to lose my children to CPS. My grandmother was one of her staunchest supporters and was upset with me for all of this time until the past few days.

If you're still following, you get a cookie. LOL. Anyway, yesterday I was talking to my grandmother and she just let it fly. My AM has gone off the deep end. She has moved a man into her home (where my grandmother also lives) that is also and A and was homeless. He has two children nearby who want nothing to do with him. Mom has gone to Indiana with him for a reunion, and they are headed to Florida tomorrow for a drunken vacation.

My grandmother says she's scared of this man, so she's been staying at my aunt's house (RA of about 11 years now). However, my aunt doesn't want her full-time, and that's the only family around to take care of her. My grandmother is the type that would wither away if she was put in a home. She's been active her whole life, and taking care of family is all she knows. I've been trying to not jump and say, "Come live with us!" because I don't think that would be helpful to my own recovery. I have three kids here at home and two stepchildren who are here occasionally. I work a couple days a week to get myself out of the house and socializing with other adults. I just don't know what to do. I'm torn between my normal Al-Anon "she's an adult and can take care of herself" and "she's almost 91 and doesn't deserve to be scared in her own home." A little insight and advice would be greatly appreciated. Am I justified in thinking that I could help, just temporarily, or should I stick my fingers in my ears and let family back home deal with it?

atalose

Really sorry you are finding yourself in this situation. Lets start with.....did your grandmother ask to come live with you? Did your grandmother ask you to fix this mess for her?

OR

Is it your codie coming to the surface with guilt and thoughts that some how this is YOUR mess to fix?

NWGRITS

I know I can't fix this, and that she would never ask anyone to take her in. She's always been too prideful like that. I guess it's just my heart breaking and wishing she would ask us for help. No one has ever been able to get her to do something she doesn't want to do, and I don't expect that to change now. Sometimes it's good for her, sometimes it's to her detriment. I'm just praying that things work out for the better for her. She doesn't need to stay in this situation.

choublak

Does your grandmother own the house?

NWGRITS

No, but she pays all the bills since AM drinks her money away.

atalose

Well at almost 91 she is not going to change her behaviors or enabling habits now. I think just listening to her vent and offer her to keep her in your prayers is going to be your best bet.

Clearly you have stepped back far enough to see how dysfunctional her relationship with your mother and other A's in her life have been. She is the care taker to takers, she probably doesn't know any other way to live life.

But you do!! and that's great and it's also great you would like to help her but accept the fact you really can't. Send her cards often, older people like getting mail and just let her know you love her and care about her.

Seren

Well, there are different levels of 'a home'. An assisted living facility (someplace that prepares the meals and does the housekeeping and laundry) might be a good solution for your grandmother. Most of the assisted living places around here are just fine, have plenty of activities, hair salons, gardens, libraries, etc....and I don't live in that fancy a place.

If your grandmother is a member of a church, perhaps there is someone in the church office who could suggest a place where other members of her congregation live.

NWGRITS

I don't even think she could afford any type of assisted living. She went through all of her savings bailing out AM from one crisis after another. This is just so hard. I haven't done anything yet, so I'm at least content in knowing that I didn't jump the gun and do something I'd later regret. She has a home church, but no one will take her or pick her up to go. I used to be her driver when I lived at home. I'm now on the other side of the country.

I'm usually so strong when she's angry with me or begging me to let AM talk to or see the kids. But now that she's making positive changes, I'm a pile of guilt-ridden mush. Bah. Keeping the status quo definitely seems easier some days!

choublak

Poor lady...

catlovermi

You can share with her that you know she's capable of making good decisions for herself, if she chooses to do that. (She could CHOOSE to kick the bums out and stop spending all her money on them. That she doesn't do this is ALSO a choice on her part.)

And then, YOU can make a good decision for YOURSELF, and not jump into the messy results of HER decisions!

You have a right to your own serenity in your life and household. Just because someone else makes a crisis of their life does not make it YOUR mess, even if they are family.

As an adult, you are able to advocate for yourself in your own best interest, and in doing so you may do it in a straightforward and kind, but firm, manner.

CLMI