jkej

Hi, I just wondered if you could blame someones bad habits, lifestyle choices, immaturity, bad finances etc solely on the drink? Do you think if they become sober everything changes in turn? Do you think they suddenly become clean and tidy round the house, able to do things for themselves (such as order a takeaway!), be smart with money etc etc... or will they always be a slob, lazy, bad with money, etc etc...

Thanks for opinions!

honeypig

If the A just "gives up the drink", then I would say it's less likely that their other problems would just magically disappear. You may end up with just a "dry drunk", which is a term you can google for more info.

If the A is involved in some type of program, be it AA or another, that stresses growth, maturity, responsibility, honesty, etc., in addition to sobriety, then I'd say it's more likely that other areas of their life will improve also.

It sounds like you're trying to decide if it's worth waiting for your A to get sober? Have you considered Alanon for yourself? Many find it very helpful, myself included.

jkej

I think I have realised its not worth waiting for him to get sober anymore. Something tells me he will always be a slob!! He says he wants to go to rehab but hes leaving it all to me to organise - he wont even phone them up! Surely thats a worrying sign?

honeypig

Yes, I would say that is absolutely a worrying sign. If he actually means to get sober, HE needs to be responsible for every single thing about it. If he is requiring YOU to set up his rehab, he is trying to make you responsible for his recovery. Guess what? You are not responsible for ANYTHING he does! He is an adult. If he truly wants recovery and sobriety, he will be willing to do whatever it takes. If that's not where he is at, there is not a thing in the world you can do to help him. Telling you to set everything up so he can go thru the motions and then say "well, I tried" doesn't seem like a recipe for real or lasting change, does it...

There is a saying in Alanon: You didn't Cause his alcoholism, you can't Control it, and you can't Cure it. The 3 C's.

Do everything you can to educate yourself about alcoholism so you don't get sucked into his games. Read other people's stories here, and make sure not to miss the stickies at the top of the page. Pick up the book "Codependent No More." And once again, please do check into Alanon. Here is a link to help you find a meeting http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/ It's a great way to learn what IS your responsibility (you) and what is NOT your responsibility (him). As you learn more, things will become so much clearer to you.

atalose

I heard this once in an al-anon meeting "If he couldn't play the piano before he started drinking then don't expect he can once he stops".

All of those habits have been there all along, drinking is how he copes with live, take the drink away and what coping skills does he have? He has to learn other heathy ones if he's willing.

But from what you are sharing it doesn't sound like he is any where near being willing to stop.

He's saying what he thinks you want to hear, even letting YOU do all the work involved for HIS recovery but when push comes to shove he's not ready and no matter what YOU may set up or find for him he's not going.

Flicka57

I read this on a blog from a reformed alcoholic who is now a licensed social worker--maybe it helps answer your question.

"Recovery from alcoholism involves far more than sobriety. Recovery from alcoholism involves changing every part of a person's life. The person who only stops drinking is what we refer to as a 'dry drunk' meaning that they are every bit as unhealthy they have simply stopped drinking-a small percentage of folks manage this long term...real recovery is only made possible by a program like Alcoholics Anonymous. ....Alcoholics are master manipulators. They show little or no accountability. They may have had integrity before their addiction kicked in but it will be conspicuously absent from their lives as they spiral. . .Life becomes progressively less about anything substantive and progressively more about maintaining appearances."

lizw

The last relationship I had with an A was with one who was sober which was in some ways an improvement for me however drinking is just a symptom of alcoholism and this man also came from an alcoholic home.

I became very focused on controlling his behaviour (especially ways to try and avoid making him angry and supporting him $$$) and sought help in al anon and learnt how I contributed to the dysfunction of our relationship and learnt to change my behaviour.

In terms of my own disease of co dependence the fact he didn't drink did not make any difference at all.

jkej

I think im really bad at this alcoholism game. He says hes in no state to do or organise anything and thats why i have to 'help him' as hes having a breakdown and cannot go to work anymore, therefore hes drinking all day everyday. He says he now realises nobody can help him (hes only really got me and his mum) so thats why he says he wants to go to rehab, but like i said he hasnt emailed or called them. Ive have been saying for yrs now i cannot help him but he still has to ask me most days "how do you help me blah blah blah"

spiderqueen

I would gently offer that you are actually really GOOD at this game. So was I, so are/were many of the folks on this site.

Have you found the thread yet called "what a normie wouldn't know"? When I first found this site, I read that, all the stickies, and the "quacking thread" and wept, and laughed, and generally felt incredibly humbled.

All along, I thought I was different, he was different, we were special. And each human IS unique, whether addicted to alcohol, or addicted to their alcoholic... But we share so many traits, too.

My A had "only me and his mom" by the time I left, as well. He had basically isolated himself, couldn't work, had alienated all his other friends; and that was the very thing that kept me hooked: "He's all alone in the world, and I am his only lifeline!"

Please keep reading, educating yourself, I found alanon helpful, too --
and take good care --- OF YOU.

SQ

choublak

How does he get the alcohol?

atalose

Alcoholism is not a game. You said you have been waiting for YEARS for him to get sober. How many more years of your life are you going to wait around for someone else to change?

IF you have been hearing him say for YEARS that he needs your help, you gotta dig deep within you and figure out exactly what kind of help have you and his mum been offering him all these years?

Where does he live? If he's not working, how does he pay his bills? How does he obtain his alcohol?

jkej

"He's all alone in the world, and I am his only lifeline!"

This is SO me!!!

jkej

Hes only just lost his job so has always had money to buy it

choublak

But he says he's in no state to do anything. If he can buy alcohol himself, he can do other things for himself too.

honeypig

He is not a lost puppy or kitty, he is a full-grown human and capable of taking care of himself. If he chooses not to do so, if he chooses to cut himself off from others, that is certainly a choice he gets to make. However, it does not mean that now it is YOUR obligation to provide him w/whatever he thinks he needs.

I see you're doing some reading on other threads here and would encourage you to do more of that. You'll learn a lot, including how NOT ALONE you are.

jkej

I know, completely agree with u on this

thislonelygirl

They can but its a process.
Heres how I see it.
Alcohol kills brain cells. Impairs judgements and hinders growth(all scientifically proven)
Soooo someone can mature and grow after they quit but they have to work on it.
Its easy to train a child...hard to rain an adult.
Habing to cope and grow without alcohol

BoxinRotz

Well, I'm going to post before reading the comments. I feel this is going to be an individual answer directly related to my AH only. He is a pretty clean n kept guy. He's even responsible with his money n bills when the drink isn't involved.

BUT!!! Since his motorcycle accident, I've seen his ability to clean up after himself deteriorate and I can't necessarily blame it on him drinking because he was pretty tidy about himself while drunk. He'd clean up and put his plates in the sink n garbage in the trash. Now, he doesn't and I think, it's because of his brain injury. He has also not wanted to do any bills or talk to anyone outside of me and his drs and that is not him. It is like this when he's been sober. He will not even call his son. So... I think that my situation comes down to how he was pre brain injury verses post brain injury.