JustanotherWOA

Just wondering if there is any sort of benchmark re lengths of sobriety?
I am physically separated from my AH since end of June. In my head, and to him, I have said that I would not consider reconciliation until he reached 6 months sobriety. My question is, is that long enough? He is working the program and by all accounts seems to be doing quite well. For the first time I actually believe he has embraced a sober lifestyle and seems to be doing it for himself this time. While out of the home, he has been a very active and involved father to our young children, age 7 & 5.

Wondering what people thought. I know that the 1st year is often very challenging.

Thanks.

Florence

I told myself this last time that I would wait a year. At 11 months or so of purported sobriety, I discovered his latest relapse. I have reasons to believe now that he probably relapsed before that and I just didn't know about it.

I would give it a year. If he can make it a year and feel good about the way his life is going, and you feel good about yourself and yourself in this relationship, go for it.

They say no big changes for a year. Since you're already separated now, it makes sense to maintain this and see what successes and challenges the year brings.

dandylion

My experience is that sobriety is shaky during the first year. My son appeared to be doing "great" at 6mo., but relapsed, suddenly, just a few days before his year mark. It felt devastating (of course). He is now living in a sober living house and doing an intensive outpatient program. Thankfully, he lives half-way across the country from me. I am staying very detached at this point.

I realize that a child (adult) is not the same as a spouse. But, the precariousness of early recovery is pretty much the same, I think.

I am wondering what kind of agreement, or, perhaps, UNSPOKEN agreement the two of you had about EXACTLY what would happen at the end of the 6mo. period. Maybe he considers that he passed the required "6 month test"? Sometimes---two people are not exactly on the same page.......

Do you feel prepared to resume the marriage as it existed before? What are your boundaries? Have you been working on any kind of program for yourself--in the meantime. Most couples that I have heard or read about say that the dynamics of the relationship change once one of them has entered recovery.

These questions are just food for thought.

dandylion

JustanotherWOA

Absolutely not am I prepared to resume the relationship the way to was before. I actually filed for divorce. It takes a year of being separated before the divorce is granted. However the courts allow for a 3 month co-habitating period for the purposes of reconciliation without it affecting the actual divorce process.

I suppose I am thinking that I would rather know earlier rather than later that our relationship is going to work or not. I would be upset at myself if we attempted reconciliation closer to the one year mark, only to have him relapse months later. The year separation would have passed without me finalizing the divorce and then I would need to refile and fork out more money to the lawyer. It's not cheap.

I've gone to one Al-Anon meeting. I found it comforting but did not go back. Not sure why exactly. I have an apt with an individual counsellor next week. I hope this will give me some perspective and help me to sort out my feelings. Right now I'm on a roller coaster of anger, sadness and lots of resentment.

Thanks for your input.

stella27

whether he is progressing well in his program and appears ready is second to YOUR readiness, and it sounds like you're not ready to re-commit. I think that's telling. Take it slowly and go easy on yourself.

dandylion

Justanother WOA, I am so glad to hear that you are going to get the support of a counselor. The myriad of emotions and concerns that you are having sound pretty standard for your situation---according to the stories of others on this forum who are or h ave walked in your shoes.

I think that you would find some much needed validation for your feelings in alanon--perhaps try a few m ore meetings?

dandylion

P.S. The divorce courts sound verrrry generous in Canada. Where I l ive--Virginia--if ther is any cohabitation at all--the clock goes all the way back to square one!!!!

dandylion

JustanotherWOA

Thank you Stella. You are so right. 6 months is really a random number. Does not matter if it is 3 months, 6 months or 2 years. I need to feel ready. The problem is I don't trust my feelings anymore. Hopefully in time.

Hammer

Just an observation . . .

I think there may be a connection between >>>

AND >>>

You follow? Lot of folks find that if they are doing the Alanon program, there is not much room for the anger, sadness, and resentment.

It still pops up, but it is directly worked on and quickly replaced with Peace, Joy, and Acceptance.

But not trying to take your path away from you. It is your own.

As far as the dates -- 6 months, one year, on and on, and all. Did ALL that beyond all sensibility myself. In a Soap Opera Drama, on here if it is of interest or use >>>

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...t-me-well.html

I will save everyone re-hashing all that.

JustanotherWOA

Thank you. Interesting observation. Is it accurate? I don't know. But you are absolutely right about replacing those negative feelings with Peace, Joy and Acceptance. I need to work on that. Is there a book you would recommend?

CarryOn

Thanks for the thread...I'm wondering the same thing myself! I keep reading one year of sobriety before making any major decisions, but I'm also going off what I feel.

If it may help...here is where I'm at: We have been living separately about 5.5 months. I started individual counseling about 10 months ago, and Al-Anon about 5 months ago. RAH is around 100 days sober...he goes to AA and recently started individual counseling. I have told him that once he feels he has made some decent progress in individual counseling, we can go to couples counseling and take our marriage from there.

As far as I am concerned, our marriage as we knew it is over; changes must be made so we can have a healthy relationship moving into the future. I love my husband and would like to see that happen. I see changes in both of us, but they are not yet ingrained and I fear that moving back in together now would make it too easy to slip back into old patterns of behavior. For now, we see each other when we can - our recoveries come first, then our individual responsibilities.

My counselor has been a huge help to me. That is where I have really learned the most, probably because it is the most customized to my individual situation. SR and Al-Anon are fantastic for me as well, and I know that I will need these communities permanently, especially if we continue our marriage. As I told my counselor...I don't want to be the wife that has 30 years in Al-Anon with an active AH, but I would consider being the wife with 30 years in Al-Anon with a sober husband - in other words, I recognize that this is a life long recovery.

I'm on my second read through of Codependent No More - it truly is a revelation, and I'm also working my way through Relationships in Recovery...a little dated but helpful concepts.

JustanotherWOA

Sounds like you're on the right track. I wish the best for both of us!

Just curious, do you have any children? what ages?

And thanks for the book recommendation. That one is repeatedly mentioned in these circles. Sounds like a good place to start.

pinkdog

I agree with stella. Best wishes to you.

thislonelygirl

I dont think it ever is long enough.no matter.
An alcoholic can relapse anytime and for us...just as painful
But for a more solid answer ive heard the first yr is the hardest.
So I would say a yr.

sesh

I took my RAH back after 6 months of his sobriety.
Because I was ready to let go of the past.
Because I could see he was determined not to drink as much as he was to drink in the past.
Because I have educated myself about alcoholism and that has helped me to see him for who he really was - just another person who is struggling. I could raise above my own hurt and see his.
Because I knew he can not hurt me anymore. He doesn't have that power over my life. I am responsible for the quality of my own life.
Because I could see I can still love him for the person he is trying to be.
Because he has promised to be the best person he can be and he is trying to do so every day for the past 2.5 years.
Because we were both ready to stop being enemies and become friends.

If he drinks again, and that too is possibility, as there is no guaranties in life, it would be hard, but it wouldn't be the same kind of pain I experienced before. It would mean losing my best friend because the alcoholism was stronger than him. It would be sad, but survivable. That is the risk I'm willing to take because what I have today - the best father my kids can wish for and a good husband.
I don't think about his drinking any more. I'm busy with good things life has to offer.

I don't know if any of this makes any sense to any of you. I believe that I have crossed to the other side, and this is what recovery means to me. RAH and I are here today because we're both keeping our own side of the road clean, we're both working on our own recoveries separately...

So, 6 months is just a number, it doesn't mean anything. When you're ready you'll know.
Take care

Springs

Thanks for this thread. My RAH is close to 90 days sober and wants to live back together again in two months but I don't think I'll be ready (we've been living apart since before he started getting sober). We don't have kids, so that makes it both easier, and harder. I want to start a family and am not sure I should go back to him no matter how long he's sober but also love him and he seems to be taking recovery really seriously and seem to be doing better. This is just hard isn't it? I'm trying to stay with my gut and also praying on this.

Hammer

Sorry on the slow response.

I suppose How Alanon Works is a good place to start.

How Al-Anon Works for Families & Friends of Alcoholics: Al-Anon Family Groups: 9780910034265: Amazon.com: Books

Look how cheap the used ones are -- in the pennies.

After that the 12 & 12.

Amazon.com: Al-Anons Twelve Steps & Twelve Traditions (9780910034432): Al Anon: Books

Less than 3 dollars.

After that folks usually seem to like One Day at a Time, Courage to Change, and Hope for Today.

Amazon.com: alanon: Books

Combine some and save on the shipping.

But this is a not so much Study Hall. This is Lab Time.

Get to the Alanon meetings and see what Getting Well looks like.