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I'm gonna find someone someday who might actually treat me well

Old 07-09-2013, 05:57 PM
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I'm gonna find someone someday who might actually treat me well

I'm gonna find someone someday who might actually treat me well

Taylor Swift lyrics of all things. From the "White Horse" song of the Fearless Album for those so interested.

I must be becoming a teenage girl or something.

On our road trip to DC and back we had the pleasure of listening to Taylor Swift maybe about 1000 times. Ok probably an exaggeration. Probably only 900 some times.

My daughter's favorite CD.

Guess I did not hear it enough because I was still listening to it on the 100 mile drive this morning to work.

================

Daughter not only seems to have me locked in Stockholm Syndrome with the Pop Music Psych Ops, she started "flash cards," on the trip, as well. Did the various Persona(s) of Mrs. Hammer in some Anime Art form called Manga or some such. She is a fairly good artist and was having fun with me, as she was the navigator in the front seat, and I did all the driving.

She would start with the cards -- "Let's Review, shall we?"

This one. This (Mrs. Hammer) is your wife. She is looking at you. She hates you.

Number Two. (As "raging retard" with the character screaming) This one is also your wife, and she also hates you. But you do not have to be told that because she is screaming it at you.

Number Three. (as Lilliteen -- a particularly nasty and manipulative persona). This one hates you, too. She is texting that to all her friends.

Number Four. (as "Possessed" A Linda Blair in the Exorcist demon-like character vomiting bulimic). This one hates you, too. She hates everyone.

And finally -- holding up a blank sheet -- This. This is your future.

I will give this to the kid -- when it comes to messing with the old man (me) she is pretty good.

=================

So just how long are we supposed to give "them" to get their crap together after Rehab, anyway? I figured some 90 days, for some reason. Someone asked me -- so what happens at 91 days? Dunno. Did not think of that.

Then past 180 days.

As I have mentioned before, Mrs. Hammer went to a kind of crappy rehab center, so we had/have no family support, at all. Just Alanon for me and Alateen for our daughter.

Been Seven Months, now.

So we get back from our vacation trip that Mrs. Hammer would not attend, and she is about as big an @hole as ever. Just how long are we supposed to give them?

I am thinking . . . .

I'm gonna find someone someday who might actually treat me well
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Old 07-09-2013, 06:28 PM
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We have to learn how to treat ourselves well before we can find someone who will treat us well.
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Old 07-09-2013, 06:33 PM
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Your daughter is too funny messin with her old man like that!

Hell, I told Jim today his new name is MeatHead! lol
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Old 07-09-2013, 06:34 PM
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Just how long are we supposed to give them?

It's your call.

But you do deserve to be treated well.

Does she know that????
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Old 07-09-2013, 06:44 PM
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Originally Posted by Katiekate View Post

Does she know that????
Wrong verb, I would venture.

Does she CARE [about] that?

I would likely say not.
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Old 07-09-2013, 06:47 PM
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Originally Posted by Hammer View Post
Wrong verb, I would venture.

Does she CARE [about] that?

I would likely say not.


Why doesn't she know that ???

I elect you to tell her. What do you have to lose my friend.
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Old 07-09-2013, 07:21 PM
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Left my Aw 2 years ago and found someone who treats me great.

It's me.

Shame it took me so long to figure that out.

Your friend,
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Old 07-09-2013, 07:30 PM
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Yeah, I understand all that. Look, I know how to do the Lone Wolf, tough guy routine.

Was a Combat Arms officer, Construction Engineer, work all night projects by myself or a team of others.

And know how to cook, clean, for myself, by myself, for others or all the kids.

I got all that, I get it.

sorry, but it aint really what I want / need from life.

Been there, done that.
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Old 07-09-2013, 07:41 PM
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I'm confused.
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Old 07-09-2013, 07:43 PM
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Originally Posted by Shellcrusher View Post
I'm confused.
Welcome to alcoholism.
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Old 07-09-2013, 07:53 PM
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Originally Posted by Hammer View Post
Welcome to alcoholism.
I ain't no spring chicken.
I'm confused by your thread. It sounds like you want something better but don't want to leave...?
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Old 07-09-2013, 08:06 PM
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Originally Posted by Shellcrusher View Post
I ain't no spring chicken.
]

Yeah, I track that.

I'm confused by your thread.
Yeah, I follow that, too.

It sounds like you want something better but don't want to leave...?
Well, without diagramming sentences I am asking what is a reasonable time to get one's crap together after rehab.

Mrs. Hammer came out rehab half-baked. Not uncommon from what I follow.

So how long does it take to bake the cake?

A day, a week, a month, a year, a decade?

Trying to get a rough order of magnitude, without all the T-land nonsense of "when you think the cake is baked it is ready."
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Old 07-09-2013, 08:26 PM
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Hammer, you're a dude so I am going to talk to you like one, with all due respect, of course.

What makes you think she is going to change at some magical point in time?

I mean, really, is the writing not on the wall already?

What are you waiting for?

If this isn't working, brush the dirt off your feet and leave. It really is that simple. Oh sure, you can spin tall tales of all the hassles of divorce with kids involved, but dude, your kids aren't happy either.

One day you CAN find someone who will treat you better. but the first step is to change your life so when that opportunity comes along, you are in an actual position to take it.

If you want things to change - make them change. It starts with you.

Peace,
~T
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Old 07-09-2013, 08:32 PM
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The good news is, your bait stinks.
Pleasantries aside, good luck with your cake.
Mine was in the oven for 2 years and it still isn't done.

You're asking the million dollar question but you already know that.
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Old 07-09-2013, 08:39 PM
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Originally Posted by earthworm View Post
we have to learn how to treat ourselves well before we can find someone who will treat us well.
how very true!!
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Old 07-09-2013, 08:45 PM
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I gave my AH a year. He started drinking before it was up.

I wish I hadn't waited that long. He was a jerk to me most of that time. I needed an excuse, an obvious thing to point to: RELAPSE. But the truth is that it hasn't been working for a long, long time.

We are about ten months separated today, divorce is underway, and I'm the happiest I can ever remember being.

Being frank, how long will it take you to bake your cake?
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Old 07-09-2013, 08:48 PM
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Originally Posted by Tuffgirl View Post
Hammer, you're a dude so I am going to talk to you like one, with all due respect, of course.
That is good of you. Thank you.


What makes you think she is going to change at some magical point in time?
Nothing and not really magic.


I mean, really, is the writing not on the wall already?
Dunno. Really, else I would not be asking.

What are you waiting for?
To make sure I do not pull the plug early.


If this isn't working, brush the dirt off your feet and leave. It really is that simple. Oh sure, you can spin tall tales of all the hassles of divorce with kids involved, but dude, your kids aren't happy either.
No, those are not my tales.

My tale is that I will not pull the pin on my little buddy (Mrs. Hammer) until/unless I am sure they are already dead.


One day you CAN find someone who will treat you better. but the first step is to change your life so when that opportunity comes along, you are in an actual position to take it.

If you want things to change - make them change. It starts with you.

Peace,
~T
Sure. I know pretty well how to set and execute a plan of action. Not the question or the real topic here.

My real question is: How long is a reasonable time before the new stable state -- whatever that is -- becomes set after rehab?

--------------------------

Maybe think of this like someone goes underwater.

They are down a minute. They are likely fine and pop back up shortly afterward.

HOWEVER,

If they are down 5 minutes . . . maybe not.

AND

If they down a half-hour . . . they are not likely coming back up.

------------------------------

What is the reasonable time before you consider them Zombie or Dead?
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Old 07-09-2013, 08:49 PM
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Hello Hammer, and pleased to "meet" you

Originally Posted by Hammer View Post
... So how long does it take to bake the cake? ...
Been there, done that. Was married to a pill-head, now divorced. Then hooked up with a food addict, now split up. I understand about "cakes" and how long it takes.

My experience is that in real life it has nothing to do with cakes and baking. Recovery doesn't work like that.

Recovery works a little bit every day. Some days they make big improvements, some days they slide back, but the overall trend is _forward_.

Which is why journaling is recommended. I use SR as my journal. The idea is that when I write down what I am going through, I can go back and see what improvements have ocurred over time. When it comes to people and recovery I find that past performance is an excellent indicator of future performance.

Here's what my sponsor had me do, worked for me, adapt to your needs. Over the last Seven Months, how much progress has been made? Put a number on it. When she went _in_ to rehab your life was what? Zero percent? If she were a perfect woman giver her 100%. What would you settle for in a _normal_ human being? I'd be very happy with 80%.

Over the last seven months has your life become _half_ normal? That would be an improvement of 50%.

What I did was put a "trend" on it. I wanted to see an average of 10% improvement every month. That means we would have 3 good days out of 30 the first month, 6 the second month, and so on.

I realized we were _not_ improving. At all. We were stuck in the same old routine and each month was the same as the previous. The numbers just helped me look back over time and see the big picture, instead of getting hung up on the immediate present, a mechanism to shake me out of my "tunnel vision".

Mike
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Old 07-09-2013, 08:51 PM
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Originally Posted by Shellcrusher View Post
The good news is, your bait stinks.
Pleasantries aside, good luck with your cake.
Mine was in the oven for 2 years and it still isn't done.

You're asking the million dollar question but you already know that.
Really I am just trying to ask typical statistical variance without being deathly dry nor grand Taoist philosophy.
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Old 07-09-2013, 08:55 PM
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Your daughter is giving you the green light. That's pretty amazing. Sounds like she is your own outside observer, and has your back.

Next time she shows you some manga or anime drawings say "Sugoi desu ne!" means that's so cool ^___^
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