OnlyOneProblem

I'm just wondering what those with experience feel is the best outcome for an A who says he wants to stop drinking.

My AH typically drinks 2 bottles of wine every evening. He has been hiding the fact that he is supplementing with vodka.

In our 8 year marriage he has stopped drinking twice. One time he quit for 5 months and the next time he quit for 9 months. He didn't work any program. The last time he quit was January 2011. It was quit drinking or get divorced. When he started back drinking, I knew it was just a matter of time. We had many things planned for the coming year and agreed to do our best to "get through the year". The roller coaster ride continued. I began attending Al Anon earlier this year. When he recently "crossed the line", I decided I had enough. I am tired of living with a grown man who refuses to take responsibility for his disrespectful behavior. I am tired of being in a relationship with someone who is emotionally unavailable. I will no longer debate where I draw my line in the sand.

I told him nothing short of a Rehab program will get me to reconsider our marriage. I'm not in the business any longer of doing the same thing and expecting different results.

He feels that Rehab is for those who have lost their jobs and life to alcohol and that doesn't apply to him. He went to an AA meeting today. Drinking tonight.

Please share your feelings on recovery with AA and/or Rehab. Thanks.

tomsteve

"He feels that Rehab is for those who have lost their jobs and life to alcohol and that doesn't apply to him."

theres times I read things on here and would like to be able to sit down with the person that says those things. this is one of them. I think I might say something like,"and how do you know this? you've worked in a rehab? been to em? talked to people that have been in em? personally, beings how MANY people have gone to rehab without losing a thing, ya have a major misconception of rehab. not only that, but if someone loses their life, then they are dead so how could they go to rehab? my opinion is this is a copout. you can keep drinkin and wait til yer wife throws you out or she leaves, yer family does the same, ya chose alcohol over your job, and ya lose your home. but it doesn't have to be that way and I hope ya chose to go to rehab."

my feeelings on both or any other method of recovery:
they only work for people that want it.

Dee74

I haven't done either OnlyOneProblem, but I think it's fair to say both work - if the alcoholic wants to get sober.

But if he or she is not willing to commit to working to stay sober, then I'm afraid nothing will work.

what will you do now?

D

Seren

My stepson has been to mandated AA meetings and to rehab at separate times. When he went to rehab, he finally, I believe, really wanted the drinking to end.

It had nothing to do with the option and everything to do with his attitude.

dandylion

OnlyOneProblem---I have an idea......Why not tell him that sobriety--total, uninterrupted sobriety, for a MINIMUM of one year is the only way that you would reconsider the marriage---then leave the decision of what to do completely UP TO HIM. This puts it in his court--where it ought to be, anyway.

If it doesn't come from him--the desire for sobriety--nothing will work long term, anyway.


dandylion

aasharon90

At the time I went into rehab and recovery,
it wasn't by choice. Family stepped in with
an intervention to get me help I really needed
at that time in my life at 30 yrs. old with 2
kids and about an 8 yr. marriage.

I had hit my bottom after so many attempts
to stop drinking, lieing, cheating, manipulating,
etc. all that comes with an addiction to alcohol.

I didn't realize at that time in my life I was
losing to a substance that was destroying my
life, health, family. Red flags were flying high
and I had no idea. Thank God family recognized
it and sought help for me.

Because I wasnt willing to go , authorities
were ordered to come pick me up and take me
to the hospital for evaluation and state of mind.
I was escorted to the back of a police car and
off I went feeling ashamed, filled with so much
anger that my family had done this to me.

The first full day of pshycological testing and
no alcohol was August 11, 1990. I passed all
with them letting me know I only had a problem
with drinking. So I was ordered to remain in
a recovery rehab facility for 2 weeks.

After 2 weeks came and went, I was to be
released but was told that leaving that early
to return home I would surely drink again and
they wanted to send me to a halfway house
out of town instead for a few month away
from my little family.

I was scared and didn't want to be away
from my 2 little ones, so I begged for them
to allow me to remain there in rehab for 28
days and do whatever I needed to do to not
be sent away. Up agreement, I did remain
there recieveing knowledge of my disease
of alcoholism, how it affects my mind, body
and soul and those around me.

Then valuable, useful tools of a recovery
program to incorporate in my everyday
life.

I took that information and headed home
to begin my continued program of recovery
with a 6 week aftercare program tacked on
and learn to live a day at a time without alcohol.

That was 23 yrs. ago. Today I continue on
my recovery journey passing on my own
ESH- experiences, strengths and hopes
with others of what my life was like and
is before, during and after alcohol that are
suffering with addiction.

Knowledge of addiction is important. Learning
about addiction and how it affects us is also
important. Rehab gave me a good start in
recovery learning to live without drinking.
I followed up with attending many many AA
meetings during my 23 yrs sobriety continueing
to learn new ways to live happier and content
in recovery.

Each time I read or listen to other members
struggles with addiction and how returning
to the drink doesn't work, reinforces the fact
that alcohol is still alive and well, kicking
people butts big time without letting up.

As long as I stay connected to my recovery
program and am kept aware of what alcohol
is doing to others, the more determined I am
not to pick up a drink that could and would
kill me.

Living a program of recovery each day has
given me a reason to continue to live a happier,
healthier, honest life for many more one days
at a time to come.

So can you.

OnlyOneProblem

Dandylion, that is definitely an option that I will consider. I do have my doubts if he is patient enough to put our relationship on hold for a year. If he does what he needs to in AA, it is possible he will understand why this is necessary. Time will tell.

I'm not even sure what I want at this point. It was easier to make the decision to divorce when he was arguing with me that he didn't have a problem. Now I find myself with such mixed feelings. It has taken me 2 years (since he returned to drinking) to reach the decision that I have had enough. I feel like I will start the cycle over by reconsidering our marriage - which is why I feel so strong about a rehab program. While there are no guarantees, I feel he would have more direction with an intense recovery program than simply going to AA meetings. He's been drinking for 50 plus years. We all agree that his sobriety is up to him. The decision to stay or leave is up to me.

Thanks for your insight and suggestion.

mfanch

For me, AA and rehab didn't "work", until *I* did.

When I was ready to get sober, it didn't matter HOW. Until then, it was all peeing into the wind for me. This last time, when I was finally TRULY ready, I went to Outpatient Treatment and AA, in addition to using other methods (CBT and AVRT).

I would say watch what he does rather than listen to what he says. The rule in our house was one year. We started marriage counseling and "dating again" before that, but recommitted at my 1-year sober mark. That was almost 5 years ago and we just celebrated 15 years of marriage (and it is better than ever). The year went by fast.

Glad you are here.

Mountainmanbob

LexieCat

When I went to my first AA meeting, it was with one goal in mind--to get sober and stay that way. I committed to doing 90 meetings in 90 days, and if I was still drinking then my plan B was rehab--not that rehab is any more effective than AA, but it does get you completely focused, with no outside distractions.

I never had to resort to plan B because I never picked up a drink. (Just celebrated five years sober).

I agree with the above that either one can work fine IF the person is ready. And if they aren't ready and willing, neither one will get them that way.

Mountainmanbob

catlovermi

He's told you by his words and actions where he stands. He isn't done drinking. He isn't one of them, in his mind.

So, it's not what HE needs to decide to do. He has already decided.

It's what YOU need to decide to do, now that you know what he has decided.

Put the focus on yourself, the only party you can control here. Only then will you be able to reach closure and resolution.

Sending support,

CLMI

jaynie04

I did 30 days of inpatient rehab this past June. It was an enormous gift to be able to focus on myself for 30 days. However, I went because at age 48 I knew I had a problem and needed help. However, there were people there who weren't done drinking or drugging. It becomes pretty apparent when you spend 12 to 16 hours a day with people who wants it and who is along for the ride.

AA is free. My mother has 36 years of sobriety through AA, so I do believe it works. I am still figuring out what works for me. I would encourage both of you to seek as much education as possible to decide what works.

I do echo the sentiments here....your husband has to want it for himself, no amount of energy on your part is going to keep him sober. I have a lot to lose, it sounds like your husband does too.

CodeNameGiggles

My husband went to rehab and did outpatient care two years ago. He haphazardly attended some AA meetings, but he didn't at the time (even though this was after a nervous breakdown and suicide attempt brought on by booze and benzos) think he had a problem with alcohol. He spent most of his time dissecting how AA and rehab were trying to trick him into thinking he was a bad person with a problem than concentrating on the messages.

This past June, after he had started drinking "like a normal person" to the point where he went on a three day binge, he went to AA because he realized he could no longer drink alcohol because his actions while drinking hurt too many other people.

Personally, while AA has been the main role in his sobriety this time, I think he was more the driving force - AA reinforces the messages he needs to hear but if he'd still been of the same mindset of two years ago, AA would not be working this time around.

LexieCat

There's a saying in the rooms, that AA isn't for people who need it, it's for people who want it.

That's why I look with great skepticism at any "statistics" that purport to measure how successful a particular recovery program is. While there are some out there that could actually be useless (or worse, harmful), I think that without a huge measure of willingness (which usually requires a certain amount of desperation) on the part of the individual participant, no program will succeed.

AA doesn't make anyone "willing," and I'm not aware of anything external that can do that. The desire has to come from within, even though it might be affected by external factors (the threat of losing family or employment, the prospect of going to jail, etc.).

OnlyOneProblem

I am grateful to each of you for sharing your story.

What I gather from your responses is what I know to be true. The alcoholic will quit when he is ready, using whatever vehicle he believes will get him to his desired destination.

I see through his false apologies and don't put much hope in his promise to quit for any length of time. I've been fooled before. For now, I'll be open minded regarding my request that he go to Rehab. I'm grateful that he has chosen some type of recovery, which is different than when he has quit drinking on his own in the past. He has gone to 2 meetings in 2 days. I'm taking life one day at a time.

Mfanch, I will take your advice to "watch what he does rather than listen to what he says". I would love to hear more about how your "one year rule" worked in your day to day life. I think that I could totally be on board with that, but I am at a loss as to how to pick up the pieces between now and when we would start dating.

LexieCat, your wisdom and advise is always so grounded and helpful. Congratulations on your 5 year anniversary.

aaSharon90, You are definitely a success story and I'm sure your "learning to live a day at a time without alcohol" was a key factor.

mountainman, I hope they are talking to him about 90 in 90. That could make the difference.

PaperDolls

I think it's important to just stick with this. What a healthy way to deal with this!!

I figure, how he gets and says sober isn't your business. Rehab, AA, Church, whatever ..... does it really matter? The end goal is the same.

For what it's worth, I think his comment about rehab only for low-bottom drunks is just an excuse. But really, what does it matter?