misskitty4321

Hi. I'm new. My husband has a drinking problem. He maintains that he is not chemically dependent (he didn't drink at all for a month to prove it to me), and I'd know if he had, so that's something. But, he drinks nightly at home - mostly vodka straight from the bottle. He also drinks beer and even though he hates the taste, wine (for the effects). He drinks about 6 - 12 beers/week, and 1-2 750 ml bottles/week (usually slamming 1 bottle in a single evening then having nothing for a few days, then slamming a 2nd bottle). I've told him that it bothers me, but that just drives him to hide it better. He drank before we got married but not to this degree. It seems to be escalating. He tells me he knows it upsets me but since there's really no "consequences", he doesn't think it's a problem. He doesn't go to bars, drink in public, drive drunk, go to work drunk, miss work because he's drunk, yell when drunk, hit when drunk, etc. But, he does stumble around in the late evenings which keeps me awake, and he's not sober in the middle of the night in the event of an emergency. When I was 9 months pregnant, this was a huge concern of mine. Mostly, I'm worried about his health - both physical and emotional. He struggles with depression and has refused to take meds for it, so he attempts to "self medicate" with another depressant - which only makes him worse (crying, suicidal, etc.) I've thought about leaving him. I have a good support system to do so. I've also prayed that he would die (I know that's terrible, but it really seems like an easier path than divorce). He's just sooo miserable and drinking just turns him into the black hole of saddness that sucks all the happiness out of the room. I don't want to live like this. I've gone to counseling and her advice was "find ways to deal with what's happening until you decide you've had enough" - basically implying that divorce was inevitable. My friends and family don't understand what the problem is because he's making good money, isn't beating/cheating, isn't endangering our child, etc. The lying and hiding is the worst part, but the drinking itself bothers me for the reasons I mentioned. So, here's my question: Is his alcohol abuse "problem" enough for me to leave or should I wait for some kind of "consequence" that I could point to as the straw that broke the camel?

misskitty4321

I also want to add that while drinking doesn't make him violent, he does have a violent streak. In fact, he drinks when angry to calm himself down. If that doesn't work, he punches something (holes in walls, boards in the backyard, etc.) He has yelled at strangers before for no particular reason (like he would overhear something in their conversation and launch into a verbal assault over it). And, as I'm typing this I realize that his emotional problems are far deeper than his alcohol problems, and he is clearly using alcohol to cope, and he'll never go to counseling because he thinks it's bs, and he'll never take medication because he doesn't want any side effects. I really don't see this improving. Ok, so new question - Should I threaten to leave if he doesn't get help? Actually move out until he works on himself? Or, just get out now while the man I should have married is still single and I'm still young enough to have more children?

bobbysocks

hi Misskitty and welcome. Nobody can tell you what to do. You will know when you have had enough and can not live like that anymore, as I, and many others have done. And I am not a professional in any field, but it sure sounds to me like your husband is an alcoholic. There are "functioning" alcoholics that can keep functioning even when drunk. My A/H says the same thing- "I dont see what it hurts- I dont beat you-etc,etc. NOT the point! I, as you have, told my husband his drinking bothers me as Ive had so many very bad experiences with alcoholics. He doesnt get it. That is DISRESPECT. If I do something that bothers someone, or hurts them in any way(which I'd NEVER do on purpose, knowing it bothered them)- I wont do it anymore. PERIOD. Alcoholics dont seem to understand this. My A/H is a vodka/beer drinker too and mixes it. You need someone to be there for you in case of an emergency-as we all do. SOBER and in their right mind. I can not tell you what to do- and I am not- but personally- I wouldn't wait for "consequences". You dont know what the consequences may be-and neither does he. My hubby went from a happy drunk to a violent mad man and beat his step dad up really bad. Why waste your life on someone that obviously doesnt respect you enough to NOT hurt you. Even though by hurting you I mean the drinking is bothering you. Thats hurting you isnt it?my A/H suffers from bipolar, depression, and a host of other mental problems. he too has meds from the dr but wont take them. your story sounds SO similar to mine. I have stopped alcohol of ANY kind coming into my home. i figure hubby will be gone soon. but my sanity and peace of mind mean more to me than anything he has to offer. Just my opinion, and I hope it helps you.

bobbysocks

I was tying as you posted the additional info post I suppose, or Id have addressed that part too. I have to say (and this is JUST MT OPINION) any person that has a violent streak-drunk or sober can be very dangerous! NOBODY should live in violence and fear. Sounds to me like you are in a situation (and living with a man) that some would refer to as a "ticking time bomb". Id get out before he "goes off" and does something he cannot take back.

SparkleKitty

I am curious why the effect his drinking is having on your relationship is not considered a "consequence"?

Soberpotamus

You have the right to make up your mind to leave or stay, based on whatever reasons you determine are enough. No need for any "evidence" or visible consequences to justify your decision. It's no one's business but your own.

Also, there are consequences... his physical, mental, emotional states are suffering... and your marriage is suffering. That's plenty.

LexieCat

Looks to me as if there are PLENTY of consequences. Why do you want to wait around for some REAL disaster to strike? I don't get the idea of waiting until the pain reaches the stage of being unbearable to make changes to make your life better.

Have you been to Al-Anon? If not, I strongly suggest you get going. Al-Anon helped me clear my thinking so I could make good choices about what I wanted in my life.

dandylion

misskitty, there comes a point in time when we have to stop worrying about our image and do what is in our own best interest. Actually, what other people think of you is none of your business!! You are the one who has to live in your skin--not them. They are not going to take responsibility for you--so, they don't get to make your decisions. When we are so worried about what others think--and we have to have them in perfect agreement with us--it is a sign of "people pleasing" and that we are at the mercy of our own insecure ego. (typical of all of us co-dependents).

Most importantly---your child is being negatively affected by this--even if you think he isn't. Your child's mother is being harmed---and you can't be giving him the very best of you if you are desperately trying to fight something that is out of your reach.

Your back is loaded down enough already, you don't need another straw to break your back!!!!

I am saying all this to give you some food for thought.......

very sincerely,
dandylion

amy55

I just need to say, how much longer with the holes in the walls, the boards in the yard, the screaming and yelling before it is focused at you? Sorry, but I have been there done that, and 2 black eyes, and multiple holes in the wall to prove it.

This is just the beginning. Do you want children to see this? He will get worse, it is just a matter of time.

Oh, and welcome misskitty. Sorry that you needed to find us, but you found a bunch of great friends and people who understand what you are going through. Just know that the people responding to you are all in the BTDT, I got the t-shirt group.

(((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))) and hang around for awhile

Ok, edited to add: I became an expert at fixing holes in the walls even when it involved wallpaper, its' nothing I should be proud of

onefootoutdoor

My AH also thinks his drinking is ok because he goes to work everyday (despite in the past losing the same job twice due to alcohol), helps with the kids(he thinks!), and doesn't "abuse me". He also thinks it's a credit that he's not "running around" or hanging out at the bar.

It's true you are the one who has to decide if/when you're ready to leave. I was ready to leave last year and yet here I am, still married. (I just got a job though, so we are divorcing in a couple months and he is getting really nasty about it, but that's another story).

You're doing well to seek advice and solace on these boards. It will help just knowing there are others that have been, or are, in the same boat and will also help you sort things out in your head.

I just want to add that he is"endangering" his child with that kind of drinking and how it affects you, if not physically then emotionally. Also, you have enough to sort out without worrying about the possibility of another relationship. Figure out how you feel about the one you're in first.

bigbasscat

What addicts/alcoholics don't want to face is that outside of legal or financial consequences, there is the loss of "self," the loss of "the spirit" and the loss of "love" that is a guaranteed result of addiction/alcoholism.

When you lose the ability to live without alcohol or drugs, you've lost your self, when you lose hope, you lose spirit, and if you live in addiction/alcoholism, you lose love of self and the love of the other people in your life.

funkynassau

There are all sorts of consequences because of his drinking! He's so wrong to say there are none. He upsets you a lot, the fact you are here proves it. The fact you have gone for counseling also proves it. He punches holes in walls, he yells at strangers, those are consequences too. Just because he can keep a job and doesnt drive drunk or beat you doesnt mean there is not a problem. There's a HUGE problem.

I am sorry you have to live like this, as it's no way to live. The man needs help and he's got his blinders on to that fact. He has to hit bottom somehow before he'll see that what he's doing is not good, not healthy, wont keep a marriage together, and will have a negative effect on your child.

I'm not you, but if I was, I'd leave him. I'd go somewhere safe and work on helping myself to have a better life and better for your child too. You cant win with an alcoholic, they are pretty much on another planet til something wakes them up and they decide they need to stop the drinking and get sober, for life, not for a month. Only you can decide how much you are willing to tolerate, but you do need to take care of you and your child.

DarkDays

It will get worse over time.

Hope everything works out for you.

Good luck.

amy55

My ex didn't hit me, until he did.

amy55

Alcoholic, abuse...... 2 different things. Also throw in a little bit of mental instability, got a bomb ready to go off. Not saying at all that your H might be a little mentally unstable, but what if? And what normal person punches holes in walls?

((((((((((hugs)))))))))) we are here for you, and please keep coming back. Read some of the stickies on top. We do care about you.

AnvilheadII

Or, just get out now while the man I should have married is still single and I'm still young enough to have more children?

oh dear, jumping ship to run and catch the one that got away isn't a healthy mindset! instead of fantasizing about those FUTURE children, focus on the real one you have NOW. what is best for THAT child?

it sounds as if your husband has some serious psychological issues - depression, rage as well as alcohol dependence as a coping mechanism. that's a volatile DANGEROUS combination....it WILL get worse. it already IS worse. children should not have to live with out of control adults punching walls, lashing out at others completely unprovoked. the child does not HAVE a choice.....but YOU do.

bobbysocks

I can't help but think how your situation describes mine to a "T" as the saying goes (as does so many people's here). My A/H has said this to me so many times I couldn't count them. "I don't cheat on you,I don't go to bars, I don't beat you,or beat the dogs, I am a good person, I'd help anybody, 'blah, blah, blah. There are so many reasons (to an alcoholic) why what they DON"T do justifies their being an alcoholic. NOT SO!!! My hubby has destroyed so many of my belongings when he was drunk. We lived right beside a river once and when he'd get drunk he'd get mad and throw my belongings in the river. DONT listen to it! Its just their way of justifying their behavior/addiction. and there is NO justification, reason or excuse!

Springs

Hi - My RAH didn't see the pain his drinking was causing me as a sign of a serious drinking problem either. Until things got worse and I moved out. I'm still hurt that causing me pain, stress, worry, and sadness wasn't a consequence in his mind but somehow my physical absence is.

misskitty4321

Just wanted to thank you all for your support. Turns out I didn't need to wait for a more concrete "consequence" of the drinking, since my husband escalated his behaviors to include abusing pills and huffing toxic chemicals to get high (which I caught him doing). I took the baby and moved out the next day. After which, he called in sick to work for 2 days and went on a bender - drinking 2 bottles in 2 days plus beer (thank you joint account!) He wants me to move back (obviously) and is "willing" to do whatever I suggest such as counseling or church, but I sense that he doesn't really think there's a problem and doesn't want to change. Since I moved out, he has caused more damage to the home. I'm not sure what to do at this point. My "gut" tells me to cut and run - call a lawyer and get this moving. Or, should I give him a chance to fix his problems?

Danae

I'm going to be one of those who advocates getting a lawyer today, and moving on. You did a wonderful job by taking the baby and moving out! Congratulations. Keep taking care of you.

If he does decide to fix his problems, that will be great. But you don't have to live with him and be a hostage to his issues while he does it.