Update on dating (an addict) post divorce of A
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
Update on dating (an addict) post divorce of A
Well...
Things are still lovely with the new man. We are at about 2 months.
New things have come to light.
He's got lots of codependent leanings (and can acknowledge it and make different choices).
He's been addicted to pot before (and has since quit).
He's has addictive behavior around sugar (and will admit it is not in balance sometimes).
He forgot his meds for a few days and was pretty low, particulary about work, but not about anything else.
He knows he is also addictive about exercising, but also loves it and sees how it gives him much more groundedness and happiness in life when he does that rather than mope or overeat or veg on netflix.
I am not surprised I picked someone with similar addiction issues, but disappointed, nonetheless.
I want to make this work, if possible, but am afraid I won't make good choices. Nothing is going wrong right now, but would you be running?
He's so honest and communicative. He has brought up ALL of this to me by saying, "I want you to see me and I want to deal with this honestly. I am not running away from any of this."
The idea of leaving someone so wonderful seems impossible, but I want to be able to consider all options.
I know people in recovery do make it work together...advice on what I should be expecting if things are healthy?
Thanks!
fp
Things are still lovely with the new man. We are at about 2 months.
New things have come to light.
He's got lots of codependent leanings (and can acknowledge it and make different choices).
He's been addicted to pot before (and has since quit).
He's has addictive behavior around sugar (and will admit it is not in balance sometimes).
He forgot his meds for a few days and was pretty low, particulary about work, but not about anything else.
He knows he is also addictive about exercising, but also loves it and sees how it gives him much more groundedness and happiness in life when he does that rather than mope or overeat or veg on netflix.
I am not surprised I picked someone with similar addiction issues, but disappointed, nonetheless.
I want to make this work, if possible, but am afraid I won't make good choices. Nothing is going wrong right now, but would you be running?
He's so honest and communicative. He has brought up ALL of this to me by saying, "I want you to see me and I want to deal with this honestly. I am not running away from any of this."
The idea of leaving someone so wonderful seems impossible, but I want to be able to consider all options.
I know people in recovery do make it work together...advice on what I should be expecting if things are healthy?
Thanks!
fp
God's Kid
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 1,820
You know I always thought my life would be different when I found the perfect man who had no issues.
What I missed in recovery for along time was that the only person I am responsible for is myself. I truly believe I had a compulsion to always focus on my parter. I actually couldn't help it.
I have spent half my life establishing, analazying and identifying others issues and 'helping' them work on them or find ways to work on them. And obviously this worked splendidly when they agreed with me which was a lot of the time. Even after I found recovery I kept this behaviour up for a long time cause how could I be wrong? I was in recovery now! It was my god given job now to impart the wisdom I was learning.
It has taken me a long, long time to learn that my partner is my companion and my job is to accept and love them as they are, as they so me and to walk along side them while we experience life together. However this does not mean I tolerate abuse and I remove myself from abusive situations immediately - sometimes temporarily other times for good. This is in all my relationships not just romantic ones.
I reckon god or the universe has put this man in ur life. Could be forever, could be for just a little while. I also believe god works thru people so there will be something in this man god is gifting to you. I haven't a clue what that is but it will be learning of some kind.
As long as he is not abusing you I'd say enjoy it and keep experiencing how you feel a day at a time - forget about him. He's survived this long on this planet on his own.
There is no greater gift than to love and be loved aye?
What I missed in recovery for along time was that the only person I am responsible for is myself. I truly believe I had a compulsion to always focus on my parter. I actually couldn't help it.
I have spent half my life establishing, analazying and identifying others issues and 'helping' them work on them or find ways to work on them. And obviously this worked splendidly when they agreed with me which was a lot of the time. Even after I found recovery I kept this behaviour up for a long time cause how could I be wrong? I was in recovery now! It was my god given job now to impart the wisdom I was learning.
It has taken me a long, long time to learn that my partner is my companion and my job is to accept and love them as they are, as they so me and to walk along side them while we experience life together. However this does not mean I tolerate abuse and I remove myself from abusive situations immediately - sometimes temporarily other times for good. This is in all my relationships not just romantic ones.
I reckon god or the universe has put this man in ur life. Could be forever, could be for just a little while. I also believe god works thru people so there will be something in this man god is gifting to you. I haven't a clue what that is but it will be learning of some kind.
As long as he is not abusing you I'd say enjoy it and keep experiencing how you feel a day at a time - forget about him. He's survived this long on this planet on his own.
There is no greater gift than to love and be loved aye?
God's Kid
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 1,820
PS if he does want help with his 'issues' tell him to go see a therapist or join a 12 step group. Your his partner not his therapist and it is a hazard trodden road setting urself up as such with u soley support him and ur needs going unmet however I would not resent him for trying.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Findingpeace---I think you are right to be leery--as you do recognize that there are a lot of red flags, here. After all, the relationship is only about 8wks. along (give or take). This is when everyone is still on their very best behavior---wearing their shiny new shoes and putting their best foot forward. Everything usually looks "perfect" in the new l overs' eyes---as is how Nature planned it (hormones, bonding, and such).
Life experience teaches us: 1) everything that looks like a "minor" issue in the pink cloud period---can become magnified in multiples of ten---later. 2) Whatever "addiction" type issues that he has now--having a relationship with you will not make a difference (you already know this from your own experience--LOL). 3) If you are like the rest of us--you will still have rudiments of co-dependency going on that cause you blind spots with addictive type people (or any other "wounded" types). 4) You really don't know another person very well until you have known them for a l ong time--and, in a variety of different settings and situations. At least, not well enough to safely commit your heart to them. 5) Addicts (as well as co-dependents) can present as the "most wonderful people in the world" ---until addiction takes over. this is pointed out every day on this forum--"He is like Dr. Jeckle and Mr. Hyde".
What I am saying to you, findingpeace, is to walk cautiously and give this relationship lots of TIME. Know that it is ok to walk AT ANY TIME you want to. Do not settle. You already know what heartbreak looks like--and there is NO reason good enough to repeat this again.
I would give this same advice to anyone that I love.
dandylion
Life experience teaches us: 1) everything that looks like a "minor" issue in the pink cloud period---can become magnified in multiples of ten---later. 2) Whatever "addiction" type issues that he has now--having a relationship with you will not make a difference (you already know this from your own experience--LOL). 3) If you are like the rest of us--you will still have rudiments of co-dependency going on that cause you blind spots with addictive type people (or any other "wounded" types). 4) You really don't know another person very well until you have known them for a l ong time--and, in a variety of different settings and situations. At least, not well enough to safely commit your heart to them. 5) Addicts (as well as co-dependents) can present as the "most wonderful people in the world" ---until addiction takes over. this is pointed out every day on this forum--"He is like Dr. Jeckle and Mr. Hyde".
What I am saying to you, findingpeace, is to walk cautiously and give this relationship lots of TIME. Know that it is ok to walk AT ANY TIME you want to. Do not settle. You already know what heartbreak looks like--and there is NO reason good enough to repeat this again.
I would give this same advice to anyone that I love.
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Originally Posted by FindingPeace1 
The idea of leaving someone so wonderful seems impossible, but I want to be able to consider all options.
I know people in recovery do make it work together...advice on what I should be expecting if things are healthy?
I know people in recovery do make it work together...advice on what I should be expecting if things are healthy?
It seems to me you are future-tripping. If you like him today, keep liking him! If you wake up one day and think "I don't know if I like him anymore", then stop seeing him.
I know I am making this seem trivial, but my point is to snap you out of some obsessing about things that haven't happened yet. To stop looking for the what-ifs. And embrace what is right now.
Really, have fun with it.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
TWO months in....and you WANT to make this WORK.
red flag.
two months in. assuming you haven't dated each and every of the 60 days.you've spent somewhere around 30-40 days IN his company??
regardless you have a mere 60ish days of knowledge to BEGIN to get to know this guy, maybe by now know the correct spelling of his middle name and the city in which he was born. he is ON meds, has admitted addiction issues which are not managed, has bouts of depression or manic behaviors around exercise and sugar.
red flags.
you say the THOUGHT of LEAVING someone so WONDERFUL seems IMPOSSIBLE. it's been 2 months. you shouldn't BE that invested already. just using the term LEAVING makes it sound like a long term commitment. you just met, you are just dating.....no one is THAT wonderful....that you think so sounds as if you already have stars in your eyes....as you gaze upon THE ONE.
red flag.
two months in. assuming you haven't dated each and every of the 60 days.you've spent somewhere around 30-40 days IN his company??
regardless you have a mere 60ish days of knowledge to BEGIN to get to know this guy, maybe by now know the correct spelling of his middle name and the city in which he was born. he is ON meds, has admitted addiction issues which are not managed, has bouts of depression or manic behaviors around exercise and sugar.
red flags.
you say the THOUGHT of LEAVING someone so WONDERFUL seems IMPOSSIBLE. it's been 2 months. you shouldn't BE that invested already. just using the term LEAVING makes it sound like a long term commitment. you just met, you are just dating.....no one is THAT wonderful....that you think so sounds as if you already have stars in your eyes....as you gaze upon THE ONE.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
Back to my own recovery work. Remembering that it doesn't have to be such a big deal. However it plays out, I will be fine. What do I need? Are my needs getting met? What are my bottom lines? Breathing. 
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Originally Posted by FindingPeace1
Back to my own recovery work. Remembering that it doesn't have to be such a big deal. However it plays out, I will be fine. What do I need? Are my needs getting met? What are my bottom lines? Breathing.
Have confidence in YOU. That YOU will make the right choices. That YOU will not get enmeshed with this guy. YOU will acknowledge the red flags and determine if they are something you can live with or not. YOU will choose. YOU are in the drivers seat!
And he's lucky to have YOU in his life. ; )
Keep your focus on you.
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