funkynassau

I didnt grow up in a family where anyone was an alcoholic but I did grow up with massive low self esteem, thanks to a mother who didnt treat me well. I didnt think I deserved any of the things people take for granted, like higher education, travel, a nice house, even learn to drive a car! It took me years to get over all of that, and a bit of that crap lingers to this day. I found a good man who loved me for me, and got me to see that I was worthy of good things in my life, just like anyone is. So I understand about taking abuse from others because you dont think you deserve more. My mother did a real number on me, and she had no clue the damage she did.

With lots of hard work and learning to love me, I turned things around. It can be done, you just have to work really hard at it!

Mightyqueen801

There really are people out there who live in a world outside of alcoholism and substance abuse. But I could once have written what you wrote above.

I laughed--not like funny haha, but in recognition, of your first sentence. When I finally had the police take my husband out of my house and walked into an Al-Anon meeting feeling so alone in the world, that was the number one thing that shocked me at the meeting. They were going around the room all talking about MY HUSBAND. Sometimes they called him "my mother" or "my son" (or "my alcoholic", lol), but it was as if everything they said were the exact same things I would have said. I knew then I wasn't alone, and that was very important. That was the first step I needed in learning that I had to change if I wanted things to change in my life.

shil2587

There are definitely good people out there. I have been lucky enough to find one. Although he is in AA, he is the kindest, gentlest and most loving person I have ever met Like Jessica has already said, it's like dealing with a disease, the person is separate from that - in some cases. Keep looking, there are good people out there.

Wavy

One of the things that finally helped me to realise that I was in a terribly unhealthy relationship was getting to know some "normal" healthy kind men and that they treated me with respect. It was a huge contrast to XABF and probably one of the reasons he tried to keep me isolated for so long, so that I couldn't see there were better people out there! But there are! Although I'm in no mood to go looking right now!

lorelei

Sometimes we put up with less than healthy behaviour towards us because we don't see how we deserve any better, but we do. The old saying, we can't control other peoples actions but we can control our reaction rings true, if you arent being treated how you want to be, do something positive to change it, but remember their behavior says so much about them and nothing about you. Be strong x

HopefulinFLA

No, they are not all the same. My AH has ALWAYS been respectful and kind, never emotionally, verbally, or physically abusive. On the days that he's not drinking he's my best friend. Alcohol makes him very irresponsible, and it always comes first. It's very much a Jekyl and Hyde scenario. He does things drunk that he would never do sober. The disease really is separate from the man. it makes it very difficult for me to draw the line and decide when I've had enough.

He is a good man with a very big problem.

Eddiebuckle

You did not hurt hum by not wanting anything to do with him, you hurt him by not playing your role in the world as he sees and expects it to operate. I recently re-read M Scott Peck's book People of the Lie, and while it deals with extreme examples, it offers insight into how we all, hopefully to lesser degrees, harbor dishonesty as to who we are and our expectations of others.

OP has been hurt by relationship(s) with alcoholics, but at some level needs to recognize that his/her choices brought this alcoholic person to such an elevated position in his/her life. There are dysfunctional people everywhere, some who refuse to grow, others whose efforts are focused on damage control, try feebly, etc. We often give far more thought whether to let a stranger into our home than we do whether to let them into our hearts. Ultimately, which is more important?

Hammer

Yeah, that was how Mrs. Hammer was back before the relapse.

She had three years in AA when we met.

If you look at the full 12 Step model and anyone who would and did actually follow that . . . They Would be a wonderful person.

shil2587

I have bumped this thread because I wrote how wonderful he was, before the hideous relapse he is now on. Hammer, you got it so right, I wish I had been able to see it then. My A is now being verbally cruel, paranoid and very very selfish, but I let him in and now find it very hard to get him out of my heart again. If anyone else thinks their A is the exception, like I did, they are only fooling themselves. Get out before you fall in love. It's not worth it.

new beginnings

I'm so sorry! I was hoping you were one of the lucky ones. I am truly sorry things have turned in this direction for you. I know how difficult and heartbreaking it is.

cherrywaves

I do not know how to use this lol