Finding out new info and detaching
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 21
Finding out new info and detaching
I've posted once before about my current situation ... I guess the problem I'm having is how does everyone deal with new information they find out. For example I left my alcoholic sociopathic ex boyfriend but am finding out things he has done while during our relationship. I ask mutual friends not to tell me things but they seem to keep telling me or I find out from strangers things my ex did while with me. Tonight I found out he cheated on me with a woman from out of town on the floor above our condo. It was a one night stand in a vacant apartment. While I was downstairs in our bed, thinking he was just hanging out with the neighbors and their guests from out of town. They went off and had sex. I know I'm supposed to detach and not care and I'm trying my hardest but how can I not be affected by this? I'm crushed. I'm trying to maintain no contact but all I want to do is yell and tell him what a terrible person he is.
How do you Detach or stop caring? When does detaching start to work? How do you make the pain go away? No contact doesn't seem to be helping me. He's having the time of his life while I'm at home struggling with the pain and hurt he's caused me. This just doesn't seem fair! I just don't understand.
How do you Detach or stop caring? When does detaching start to work? How do you make the pain go away? No contact doesn't seem to be helping me. He's having the time of his life while I'm at home struggling with the pain and hurt he's caused me. This just doesn't seem fair! I just don't understand.
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,038
I am sorry for the horrendous behavior of your ex and the pain it is causing you. I am struggling to understand detachment, too.
I think you are going to have to allow yourself to feel the emotions his cruelty has caused you. Otherwise the repressed emotion could harm you later.
So you have no choice. There is going to be suffering.
But then have your dreams for a better life for yourself and do something to make your dreams come true. Make today not just about him and what he did. But do something fun and be kind to yourself. And move forward. Build a better life. One little step at a time.
((((Hugs!!!))))))
I think you are going to have to allow yourself to feel the emotions his cruelty has caused you. Otherwise the repressed emotion could harm you later.
So you have no choice. There is going to be suffering.
But then have your dreams for a better life for yourself and do something to make your dreams come true. Make today not just about him and what he did. But do something fun and be kind to yourself. And move forward. Build a better life. One little step at a time.
((((Hugs!!!))))))
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
To me detachment does not mean that I don't feel anything.
I was thinking about this yesterday. I had a friend who set my ex and I up. I still like and care for her, but it has been hard and painful to me to see her so I ended the relationship about a year ago. It is her birthday next week.
When I was considering ending the relationship I was mulling over that she had unintentionally said something to me that was very painful. I wondered if I needed to say it to her in closing out the relationship. I asked a trusted person about it in my life.
The response was, will saying it mean that I DO anything different in the relationship (like if I say it will it mean that I keep up with the relationship for instance). It would not change anything, except possibly hurt my friend, and leave us no room to talk about it since I was ending it.
I did tell other people close to me in my life about what had happened and got healing on that end.
This man is your ex, will this new information change that? Chances are he will behave with it in a similar fashion to what he has done with the drinking info you provided to him. In my case my loved one who drank and had an affair has not apologized for either....but it was the expectation that I would get one from him that kept me in the loop.
When I could acknowledge how much pain I was in, get comfort from loved ones who could be supportive of me, that was helpful.
When I kept on the rollar coaster by going to the source of the pain/discomfort and expecting he would help to heal it that was the definition of insanity (doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results). I just kept getting more hurt when I did that.
I had to detachment from "how" I had always done it in the past, and I had to be open to trying it a new way. Unfortunately for me that meant actually FEELING my feelings instead of stuffing them, focusing on "fixing" other etc.
I am so sorry for this, it hurts. Hugs to you.
I was thinking about this yesterday. I had a friend who set my ex and I up. I still like and care for her, but it has been hard and painful to me to see her so I ended the relationship about a year ago. It is her birthday next week.
When I was considering ending the relationship I was mulling over that she had unintentionally said something to me that was very painful. I wondered if I needed to say it to her in closing out the relationship. I asked a trusted person about it in my life.
The response was, will saying it mean that I DO anything different in the relationship (like if I say it will it mean that I keep up with the relationship for instance). It would not change anything, except possibly hurt my friend, and leave us no room to talk about it since I was ending it.
I did tell other people close to me in my life about what had happened and got healing on that end.
This man is your ex, will this new information change that? Chances are he will behave with it in a similar fashion to what he has done with the drinking info you provided to him. In my case my loved one who drank and had an affair has not apologized for either....but it was the expectation that I would get one from him that kept me in the loop.
When I could acknowledge how much pain I was in, get comfort from loved ones who could be supportive of me, that was helpful.
When I kept on the rollar coaster by going to the source of the pain/discomfort and expecting he would help to heal it that was the definition of insanity (doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results). I just kept getting more hurt when I did that.
I had to detachment from "how" I had always done it in the past, and I had to be open to trying it a new way. Unfortunately for me that meant actually FEELING my feelings instead of stuffing them, focusing on "fixing" other etc.
I am so sorry for this, it hurts. Hugs to you.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Time is the only thing that truly eases pain, IF you allow yourself to feel it and to grieve the relationship.
Try not to let your imagination paint the picture where is on top of the world, and you are down in the dumps. You don't hear EVERYTHING about what is actually going on in his life. He is still an alcohoilc sociopath, running from his problems and his feelings by indulging in whatever comes along. You, on the other hand, are making empowering choices, as painful as they might be right now, towards a healthier and far happier long term future.
You are going to be okay. He hasn't made that choice yet. In my book, that puts you way ahead. Good luck to you.
Try not to let your imagination paint the picture where is on top of the world, and you are down in the dumps. You don't hear EVERYTHING about what is actually going on in his life. He is still an alcohoilc sociopath, running from his problems and his feelings by indulging in whatever comes along. You, on the other hand, are making empowering choices, as painful as they might be right now, towards a healthier and far happier long term future.
You are going to be okay. He hasn't made that choice yet. In my book, that puts you way ahead. Good luck to you.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Might this help? http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ain-stops.html
Maybe your friends fear that you'll end up going back to him and want to make sure you know the whole truth? You certainly are within your rights to tell them that NO, you DON'T want any more info, though, if that's the case. They certainly should honor your request, if they are good friends.
Maybe your friends fear that you'll end up going back to him and want to make sure you know the whole truth? You certainly are within your rights to tell them that NO, you DON'T want any more info, though, if that's the case. They certainly should honor your request, if they are good friends.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
There are two parts to a relationship ending.
The physical part, where you no longer live with or see them any more. This is the easy part the one where we no longer have it witness the drinking/ drug behaviors. This part brings a sence of relief.
The emotional part, this is the hard part because no matter where we are or where we go we bring it with us. We go to work- we bring them. We go shopping - we bring them. We can't escape them until we resolve them.
One of the best ways to resolve our emotions is to start getting real with our own perceptions about the people we loved. We tend to build them up and into these wonderfully amazing people who just happen to have drinking and drug issues.
Our illusion is that if we take away the drink/ drugs then they won't be liars or cheats or manipulators and sociopaths and then OUR lives will great.
You need to start getting your mind moving in the direction that this is NOT a loss for you but rather a blessing. And finding out all the things he did while with you enforces the fact it's a GOOD thing this relationship is over.
Learn from it and never allow yourself to get into another relationship with someone who drinks.
As for wanting to tell him off or what you think about him, what's the point he's a sociopath who has no remorse or guilt.
Want to get it all out of your system, write him a letter.. Tell him everything you want to say to him, get it all out. Then DON'T mail it burn it and while you are burning it repeat to yourself over and over again how lucky you are he is no longer a part of your life.
The physical part, where you no longer live with or see them any more. This is the easy part the one where we no longer have it witness the drinking/ drug behaviors. This part brings a sence of relief.
The emotional part, this is the hard part because no matter where we are or where we go we bring it with us. We go to work- we bring them. We go shopping - we bring them. We can't escape them until we resolve them.
One of the best ways to resolve our emotions is to start getting real with our own perceptions about the people we loved. We tend to build them up and into these wonderfully amazing people who just happen to have drinking and drug issues.
Our illusion is that if we take away the drink/ drugs then they won't be liars or cheats or manipulators and sociopaths and then OUR lives will great.
You need to start getting your mind moving in the direction that this is NOT a loss for you but rather a blessing. And finding out all the things he did while with you enforces the fact it's a GOOD thing this relationship is over.
Learn from it and never allow yourself to get into another relationship with someone who drinks.
As for wanting to tell him off or what you think about him, what's the point he's a sociopath who has no remorse or guilt.
Want to get it all out of your system, write him a letter.. Tell him everything you want to say to him, get it all out. Then DON'T mail it burn it and while you are burning it repeat to yourself over and over again how lucky you are he is no longer a part of your life.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
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Originally Posted by lala1027 
I'm trying to maintain no contact but all I want to do is yell and tell him what a terrible person he is.
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