euchella

and my question is, what do I do as his former wife of 31 years who still loves him, but knows better than to get sucked back into his morass of pain? He and i ran into each other for the first time in six months a few days ago, and I was polite to him and his girlfriend, with whom he drinks, and the chance meeting prompted him to once again email me (his calls are blocked)that he wants sobriety. I have have called him and talked, telling him we can only be friends, and I cannot help him. But I sent him a list of addiction specialists via email, sent him two encouraging texts--verses from Proverbs-- and am clearly about to get sucked back in. Where do I draw the line? Do I say he is on his own after all this pain and confusion? Do I offer email and tgext encouragement once a week? Do I even believe him? How can I know if he is telling the truth about wanting sobriety?

nbay2013

Hi Euchella,

Wow that must have been really really hard running into him and I bet a lot of intense emotions came out of that. I would advise you to stay his ex-wife and know that he knows how to find help without you. He knows how to find God without you. You are not his one and only answer to sobriety. I think you are experiencing a relapse of codependency. Keep writing here until the moment passes.

Hugs,

Carrie

FeelingGreat

Hi Euchella, I think you know what's happening. If he wants sobriety he has to want it for himself, not you, not his girlfriend.
Take a step back...it doesn't matter if you believe him or not. He either will or won't.
If you're maintaining contact for your own emotional reasons, at least be clear to yourself about that.

LexieCat

Sounds to me as if you're already sucked back in. You're talking about being friends, sending him encouraging emails and lists of addiction specialists. Trust me, if he wants to get sober he can find an addiction specialist and people to encourage him. They are found in the rooms of AA.

You already let him go once, let him go again.

djayr

Anytime the A says they want to get sober, it's like a chorus of angels in heaven singing. The words are beautiful. But how often are they backed with action. In my experience less than 1% of the time, and the talking can go on for months...with all the cartwheels I've done over the years ANY time XAW has talked rehab, she knows that she can placate me by saying she wants to get sober, is getting ready, is getting close etc.

Hammer

Well, euchella,

I suppose you are looking for someone to tell you this.

Might as well be me.

Get the hell out of this AND
Stay the hell out of this.

You already KNOW THAT.

Ok. All better on that part?

Really YOU cannot get better doing this, you are not going to get him better doing this.

You are just going to delay yourself. But you know that, too.

Me too. Maybe that is the point. Dunno. I remember this phrase from somewhere -- To delay is to deny. Suppose that is it.

Sorry we are all here in this mess.

Best to you.

dandylion

djayr---TRUER WORDS WERE NEVER SPOKEN!! To co-dependents who have exhausted themselves praying, cajoling, encouraging, preaching, ranting, nagging, crying,.........those words from the alcoholic---"I want to get sober"-----truly does sound like a chorus of angels singing in heaven!!!!!!!!!!! .............for a while (sob).


dandylion

AlcoholicLove

What do you do?
Nothing.

NYCDoglvr

The best thing is no contact. Talk is cheap, it doesn't matter what he says, only what he needs. I suggest going to Alanon.

NWGRITS

This. His recovery, his life at this point are none of your business. Move on and let him deal with his own chaos. As is sometimes said on here, "He has his Higher Power, and you are not it."