Skymitchg

Hi everyone. I am kind of freaked out today. From reading posts and literature from alanon everything leans towards it is a progressive disease and gets worse. Does that mean all the attitudes and behaviors as well as the drinking?
AH went out to a band practice yesterday, came home, had been drinking, but didnt seem too intoxicated. I left after he came home to go to my daughters to watch a movie, took ds with me. They had to keep stopping the movie and my 1 year old grandaughter wouldnt go to bed, so it ended up being really late. Apparently he told my mother who was at home with him that this must be an ultimatum from me, was really angry and hitting things and smashing /stomping and staggering. He was sleeping when I got home, so not knowing any of this I tried to go to sleep beside him and couldnt because he was loudly snoring. So at 2 am I had enough and went to sleep in another bed where it was quiet. I heard him throw something this morning and stomp and slam the door.
He has never been physcially violent with me, but now I am a little freaked out.
All I was doing was watching a movie and trying to get some sleep. )-:

lillamy

Not all alcoholics get violent. But if you are frightened in your own home, there is a problem.

FireSprite

In my experience, yes, most definitely. The alcohol affects his brain activity, but doesn't necessarily equate to violence.

With my AH I had a few instances of being fearful that he was becoming violent, but that wasn't his "norm".... those incidents almost always happened when he was drinking more than normal, was in a blackout state or maybe mixed drinks he didn't normally mix..... and they always had more to do with the dialogue happening inside his head, not anything I could know about.

wicked

How does your mom feel about him acting like a tantrum throwing child?

Like lillamy said, not all drunks are violent, but that is a scary thing,
to have a drunk throwing things, stomping around, having a tantrum.

Yes, it is progressive, and it will get worse, that is the nature of the disease.

What are you doing for yourself? To take care of you?
That is what is important, and of course your mother's safety too!
I am sorry you are living with this.

Beth

wicked

Yes! There is nothing you can do about the crazy talk going on in his head.
He does not know what you were doing, he just knew he did not like it.
From my experience, there is no talking or reasoning with someone who acts like this.

Beth

Skymitchg

My mother seems to be sitting on the fence. He talks to her a lot. She didnt seem frightened, but she did admit today that she walks on eggshells when he is in a bad mood because the littlest things set him off. This is usually when he is in a not hungover state (he says he doesnt get hangovers)
At the moment him and I don't seem to be talking very much.

What i am doing for myself is trying to figure things out. Been to two Alanon meetings but missed one this Saturday. Some of the stuff makes sense to me, some of it I am still trying to wrap my head around.

That was my thought that he was throwing a tantrum like a kid. Ugh.
He is probably upset, I didnt talk to him or interact with him very much all weekend. He was drunk from before I got home on Friday until last night basically the whole weekend. So I did things for myself and ds and did not include ah. Went to a jazz festival, babysat grandaughters, went bowling, went to the library, went to watch a movie.

It was awesome when I was able to forget and push thoughts of him out of my head. What he was doing, where he was. I am trying to detach.

LexieCat

At the end of my drinking I didn't get hangovers, either--just withdrawal symptoms.

The majority of alcoholics aren't violent. And alcoholism doesn't cause violence. But when someone is abusive by nature, the alcohol can lower the inhibitions against resorting to violence.

wicked

Yes, the walking on eggshells is a sign things are going downhill.
She probably wants to keep the communications open, but now that he is acting
out, she has to tiptoe around him. I know you do not want that for your mother,
and if you are a grandmother, that means your mom is at an age where she has
earned peace in her life. (as you have, as we ALL have! I am a Nana too!)

Yes! That is awesome, and learning about AlAnon and detaching takes some time
to wrap your head around.

Yep, that is what alcoholics do when they do not get their way, or at least my
ex husband did. King Baby tantrum.
My way of having a tantrum (when I drank) was to completely withdraw from
everyone in my life. Sadly, that included my own children.
You are expected to sit around and watch him get drunk all weekend?
I think not!

Yay! This sounds like recovery to me. Keep going to Alanon, and learn to detach.
His tantrums belong to him and are his way of trying to control the uncontrollable.

Does your mom have someone to call or somewhere to go when he is acting like this?
Unless he gets to recovery, it will only get worse.

you and your mom deserve peace and serenity. not tantrums and eggshells.

Sending positive and peaceful thoughts to you,

Beth

Skymitchg

Thank you all for all your replies!
My mother doesn't have anywhere she can go, she rarely leaves the house as she is disabled and has problems with mobility. If it bothers her enough she can go to her room and close the door or she can find me.
I had her in a ltc home for a few months, she didnt really like it there, but it was more serene most of the time, and it greatly relieved some of my stress and responsibility. But she wanted to come back and due to the high cost of the home I had to let her.
I don't feel like any of this is heading towards recovery. I just feel like things are getting crazier.

PippiLngstockng

Hi Sky,

Your posts remind me of where I was last summer. I started going to Al Anon at a time when AH's drinking was particularly crazy.

Then, the Al Anon meetings completely put him on edge. And the detaching thing put him right over.

Those were some big changes.

We were walking on eggshells, too. And my Mum was staying with us and she felt scared of AH, too.

If I had to do it again, I would be squirreling money back then ( and before). I'd be making a 'just in case I can't live with this' plan. Just don't let him know.