fedupbeyondall

Yup, we southerns don't like to just be plain rude and although I'm not a woman I still love to use it. It really says it all, with out saying it at all.

nbay2013

Yep...that's me. I remember saying to him, we love each other's crazy.

ARGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG

The crazy I had (have) is some travel anxiety and panic attacks sometimes.
I was very ashamed of that at the time. And there is that low self esteem thing again.

nbay2013

It's a good one. When someone lectures me and takes my inventory or any other uninvited opinions, I just say, "Duly noted". In my head, I am saying, "F**c Y*u" Hehe.

funkynassau

To the people who say they thought they should hang onto a loser because it was their chance to get married, and they better jump at it, even tho the guy is a lousy candidate, wow, I can relate.

I moved out of my parents' place at 18 and shortly after moved in with a guy I met. He talked marriage really quickly. My mother was an abusive miserable b*tch and I had moved out to get away from her. So, being young and naive I fell for his crap because I was soooooo desperate to get away from mother, the first guy that came along reeled me in. I sort of liked him, he wasnt an addict of any sort, and he was willing to give me a new last name, another way to get away from mother. So I settled for this guy, believing at 18 he was my only chance in my entire life to find a husband, and I married him one month after turning 19. There were so many red flags but I was young and stupid and I ignored all of them. It was a lousy marriage, lasted just over 3 yrs. But it gave me a new name! Geez how thick I was in the head. Thank heavens there were no kids. I left him, he whined and cried, and I just moved on.

I think we all make mistakes, lots of time, and really we should not beat ourselves up over what we did and can't change. It helps make us who we are today, hopefully older and wiser! I did get married at 30 to an awesome man, we have two grown kids, and love each other dearly. That first guy did remarry, no idea what happened, dont care.

Mightyqueen801

LOL, so good to know I'm not alone in my cringing.

I spent HOURS of my life trying to figure out just how to phrase things so that he would understand what I was trying to say. Obviously, the reason I wasn't getting through was because I wasn't expressing myself clearly enough.

But now, twelve years after we split, my ex does know the reason our marriage ended. You see--it was my mother's fault! (At the last, she is the one who called the police when he threatened to grab my daughter and disappear after I told him he had to enter a rehab or leave. I was still trying to explain...)

Mightyqueen801

Re the feeling of shame: I think I'm better and then those old ghosts of emotions raised their ugly heads again. Probably because I just had a semi-milestone birthday. (55)

I am not sure I wouldn't end up living alone/being alone if I had the choice, but I never did get another chance for a real relationship, and so the choice to be alone isn't really mine. I still wish I'd had some more opportunities to find out, and I wish I didn't wish that. I once asked my therapist to please tell me how to stop wanting to be loved, and he laughed. I was a little upset, because it was a serious question, and he said we can't stop, it's human nature.

Oh well. It is just not something I was ever meant to have, I guess, but it bothers me. Some people have multiple chances to be in love and be loved in a lifetime, and I never even got one. (And I'm talking about a romantic-type relationship--I know my mother, my daughter, my friends love me.)

But I agree that I will never stop learning!

Chickadees

My XAFWB's sister said that to me upon meeting me at a family wedding. It was the only thing she said to me. I remember at the time feelling like it was a slight of some sort, but she said it with a smile on her face so I just shrugged it off.

Did I mention that at the time she lived in the Southern States?

Too funny.

lillamy

I wasn't. I wasn't invested at all. I was scared. I actually think I married him because I was scared of what he would do if I said no.

owathu

There was a time before we got married when we had been drinking and were laying around in bed and I started really crying. He asked what was wrong and I said, "I can't drink like this, it's too much, I can't handle this much alcohol...I don't want to become an alcoholic and it scares me that this might be our future, that me keeping up with you will make me an alcoholic." I just kept repeating, I can't do this, I can't do this, it's too much. Needless to say, I married him less than a year later. I don't know what I was thinking making it legal. Jesus.

nbay2013

That is a powerful image Owathu; I am curious. What was his response?

healthyagain

I was 22 years old and totally inexperienced (you know, men, dating, relationships). I wanted to have a bf, eventually start a family, and I was pushing for it. I was meeting people online, looking for a "potential mate." Now, when I look back and think about it, I was apparently showing some strong codependent tendencies even before I met my AH! A disaster was about to happen anyway. I had no boundaries, and this is why I accepted such a relationship. I cannot say I did not know he had issues. I just wanted us to succeed as a couple, and I ignored the problem, thinking that my "love" would make him stop drinking.

I just wish I had known better, and I love the label "codependency." It tells me a lot about myself and my mistakes. It also tells me that there is a way out, and that I CAN change MYSELF. Now I know for a fact (and accept it) that if my AH had to choose between me an alcohol, he would pick alcohol, and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it.

Springs

The first vacation we planned together it was so annoying and frustrating to make plans with him. I cleaved into that feeling of annoyance and pushed on to make the plans work out instead of saying maybe we aren't ready to plan a vacation together.

wysiwyg

3 or 4 months after we started dating, I went with a bunch of work friends and my then ABF (now AH) to the beach after a long shift to have a few beers and hang out. The guys were sitting in one group, and the girls were sitting a few feet away. The girls were joking around, having a good time, and the guys were talking about baseball. I told a joke to the other girls that had a punchline regarding a rather obvious part of the male anatomy. ABF only overheard the punchline and thought I was making fun of his physical appearance. He stomped over to our group, yelled and insulted my appearance and told me I was ugly and then stomped away from everyone off the beach. I yelled out I wasn't talking about him, but he kept going. Everyone around me was dumbfounded - it was one of those needle-scratching-off-the-record moments. 2 other girls and I ran after him and explained to him the joke had nothing to do with him at all. He calmed down, but never actually apologized. I was hurt for months, but I eventually stuffed down that hurt and tried to not think about it - if I tried to discuss it with him he'd deny me my hurt and tell me I had no right to be upset because he only misunderstood me and it wasn't that big of a deal (to him).

That fall, he and I went to a concert a few blocks off of Times Square, where ABF proceeded to get loaded. As we left the venue, there was a bum panhandling down the block. He kind of stood in front of us and blocked the sidewalk while he asked for money. I was used to ignoring panhandlers, so I just stepped off the curb and walked around him. ABF told the guy to *blank* off, and the bum became agitated and started following us, yelling things. ABF hauled around and got in his face as they both screamed obscenities at each other. Don't ask me why I did this, but I went into this primal mode and shoved myself between the two of them and outshouted them both to SHUT UP. I then pushed the two apart and managed to pull ABF out of the situation. People had started to gather at that point to see what was happening, so I was able to pull him into the crowd and away from the bum. ABF was LIVID that I got between them and didn't allow him to "give that *a-word* a beatdown." I tried explaining from 10,000 perspectives why it was a downright terrible idea to get into a fight with a bum, but he held it against me for weeks and brought it up several times over the next few years that I was too controlling (guess he was right there!) Again, I was very upset and distressed about the situation, but I made all sorts of excuses about his behavior and shoved my own feelings deeper and deeper down inside me.

Both the experiences above made me question our relationship at the time, and all sorts of alarms were going off in my head about ending it, but I took pity on him because he had a crappy childhood and was a very wounded person. I was convinced I could help him and be with him as he "healed". Should have listened to my instincts when the relationship was only a few months old, not a decade! Unfortunately, the next 10 years was just a slow progression of me accepting worse and worse behavior on his part.

Maybe I could win a round of "Codependent BINGO" with this post!

PippiLngstockng

I went hiking up a mountain with AH, then ABF or maybe even just BF, who knows. It was night when we arrived towards the summit and pitched our tent. We got inside and I was young and thin and tired and used to boyfriends being nice to me. I said, 'oh, I am so thirsty' and was being girlie and sort of 'help me I'm little and pretty and you are a big strong man'. Which in the past, guys would love and jump to get me water and cuddle up to me, leading to a nice evening with me taken care of and the guy all happy and into me. Weird, maybe, but that's how it used to work.

But AH, he picked up the water bottle and threw it angrily at my head! Then he didn't talk to me!

To this day I wonder about this. Until that moment he had always seemed gaga for me. Later, we referred to this scene as 'the water-bottle incident'.

That for me was the prelude to future abuse. I was just dumbfounded at the time. Being in utter shock, I never responded, just shelved it for later examination.

The first red flag regarding the drinking: we had a toddler, our first child, and AH was drinking more than previously. It bothered me and it was expensive. I asked him why he was drinking so much, expressed concerns for our son, etc. Instead of agreeing to cut back, AH insisted that from then on he would only drink in the garage, where it wouldn't disturb us. I couldn't get him to go back to drinking normally or visibly. From that day til 14 years later in our marriage, AH hid all his drinking from us.