amy55

I don't know if this is O/T or not. My daughter, my oldest daughter called me today. I know that I have talked about her before, but for a quick update....... She had filed a restraining order against me in 2009, she claimed that I called Div Of Youth and Family Services on her, because I was upset that she would not keep my ex from a birthday party that I wanted to go to. My mother was coming in for that birthday party, and I wanted to spend time with my mom, and not have my mom spend time with me and then the ex. But, blah, blah, blah, about that, I ended up not going at all, my ex did, and she filed a restraining order against me.

The anonymous tip was totally ridiculous. It was that she takes pills, well they are all prescribed, and she sees many doctors. She does receive Social Security Disability. Other things were even more frivolous. We went to court, and if a judge could laugh at someone, he would have laughed at her.

But anyways.....................

Now it is like she wants to be best friends with me. She says she feels comfortable talking to me. She wants her children to be close to their grandmother.

I used to walk on eggshells around her, but I stopped that, because in a way, sometimes I no longer do care if she cuts me out of her life.

What I do care about is my grandchildren, I would love to see them. I also know that if she gets pissed off at me again, it will take longer for my youngest daughter to come back to me. So, In a way, I feel like a prisoner, that I have to be on best behavior with this one, (in other words, just tell her what she wants to hear) or totally risk ever having my younger daughter back with me.

It would be good if I could just totally ignore this part of my life, but I can't.

I don't even know where my youngest daughter lives, ok, yes I do, somewhere in Baltimore. I don't have her number. I don't have her email.

I do love my oldest daughter, but she really is trouble. If I don't play "nice" I also won't see my grandchildren.

So they are coming up next week, and I am taking them to an amusement park for their birthdays, or to make up for the ones that I missed. I think the few days here will be really good.

Guess what I really worry about is, (first of all I do know my daughter is a drama queen), but when I talked to her today, she seemed "normal". She was apart from her H for about 2 weeks, and she said she felt physically fine away from him, but she always feels sick around him.

I guess when they come up here, she is going to talk alot, and I think I just want to stay in "la la land", in one ear, and out the other. (lol). It is the only way that I have been able to deal with her recently.

I know I can't fix her, I can't do anything.

So perhaps, I am just asking for a little support before she comes, and after she leaves.

funkynassau

I've had problems with my DD tho not like what you are dealing with. I've found the best thing is to suck it up for the day, try to watch what you say, dont instigate anything, keep your mouth shut as best you can, dont offer advice unless asked. Do it for the grandkids if not for her or yourself. It's not their fault you and DD have these problems, they probably will love to spend time with you. Sometimes you just have to rise above a situation and be the bigger person.

DesertEyes

Wow, Amy, that is a whole lot more than just "something". It's huge.

It sounds to me like your oldest daughter is just as dysfunctional as if she were an active alkie/drugie. I can't even imagine how difficult it must be for you to manage "detachment" while still trying to be able to see your grandchildren.

Oh I don't know about that. I think you are being a wonderful role model to the grandchildren. You are a beacon of sanity in their life. I still remember the few healthy people I met as a child, who inspired me to find recovery. Without them I would have never _known_ that there was any other way to live. I think you are doing a _lot_ for the grand-kids.

Oh yes, that you have. We are all here for you.

And yes, the hardship you are dealing with is perfectly valid in this forum. You are dealing with life on life's terms, being an example of recovery to your grand-kids, and an example to the rest of us on how do the right thing for your grand-kids no matter how much it hurts.

Mike

LoveMeNow

I would be very concerned about her pill usage, even if its prescribed. That is how many people's addiction start, including my husbands. They are no more or less an addict even if its legal. The behavior you describe could be addiction.

Anyway, I hope you have a wonderful time with your grandchildren. It's ok to have healthy boundaries but important to refrain from unsolicited advice.

ETA - are you working any kind of recovery program?

amy55

Wow, what thoughtful replies !!!!!

I now know to keep my mouth shut. I think I already helped my daughter with that also. She went down to Florida to see my mom, her grandmother, and her cousin is down there. She has been fighting with them for so long. I told her to keep her side of the street clean, and then at the end of the day, if you knew you did your best, and you are happy with you, then you did just fine.

I didn't hear about any fights down in Florida, so maybe she did listen to me.

I no longer say to much to her when she is fighting with other people except for the above.

It took me a long time to get stronger where I didn't have to agree with her, but didn't disagree with her, where I actually really say nothing, and she can answer her own questions. (If that even makes sense)

So I think I'm pretty strong now to deal with this, even though she still feels no remorse about that frivolous restraining order, (after all, it wasn't her fault, and the judge just dismissed everything, so there is no reason for me to be upset, lol)

Yes, I can do this.

I am thinking that she wants to get away from her H as long as she can. She says she feels better away from him. He is a gambler, unemployed for last 5 years, has anti-social personality disorder, possible aspergers. He attempted suicide a few months ago.

And now, she wants to be my friend, because she trusts me. It just feels so weird.

I am so not trusting her, and I want to, but I can't.

amy55

I can't be concerned with what pills she takes. She is a drama queen, but she has been diagnosed with almost every immune system disease imagineable, and then told it might be something else. Latest one is ganglionopathy, prior scleroderma of her internal organs. So I stay away from that stuff. But she is also totally fine when she is away from her H. Amazing !!!!!!!!!!

My program is SR, and putting to use all of my past therapy. Friends and Family is the best. !!!!!!!

amy55

Mike,

Thank you, and many (((((((((hugs))))))))))), you do know just what to say, and you have helped me so many times.

I guess this is a bigger deal then what I thought. I have kept to my own side since January, she has gotten pissed at me twice since then, I didn't help her pay off her $5000. credit card bill. I didn't tell her how awful her H was. I only gave her the advice that I would give anyone here.

I have missed so many Christmases and birthdays with my grandchildren, I just want to give them a really special day at the amusement park.

My daughter has problems and I will listen to here, I will be empathetic, but will offer no advice. Will hold her, will hug her, then it is what it is, and her life is her decision.

I can no longer listen to all the fights that she has with people. I think she has gotten use to my reply by now, to just keep her side of the street clean. I don't remark on what other people do, because I don't know if I can really believe the scenario.


I guess sometimes I worry about why I am not N/C with her. I should be!!!
But she is my daughter, but what is my real motivation, my grandchildren, or my youngest daughter, that she did turn against me. She also turned my son against me, or thought she did, but my son does have his own mind and I am on good terms with him now.

LexieCat

She sounds like quite the piece of work! One thing I don't get--how does playing nice with her have anything to do with your youngest daughter? They keep in touch with each other and you're afraid she will badmouth you to little sis?

I think it will be fine. Concentrate on bonding with the grandkidlets, and like you said, let any crazy talk float in one ear and out the other.

Repeat after me: "Really? Wow, that's really something. Huh, no kidding? What a shame." LOL, I have become quite skilled at pretending to listen.

amy55

Hey Lexie, you crack me up (lol). But yes, she badmouths me or whoever she is mad at for the day to someone else.

I know before I finally left my marriage, that I think my other 2 felt that she was the most sanest person to talk to, plus she uses all of her illnesses to keep them on her side. I have no idea of what she had told them, but she had them convinced that I was bi-polar, and wanted to kill my dog. That was something that was written in the restraining order.

My son and I are just fine now, and if I talk to him now about the oldest daughter and some problems she might have, he just says "is that what she is saying?" then he says, then I don't want to hear it. So, he has caught on to this.

I am getting more skilled at saying something, but not really saying anything, (that can and will be used against me in a court of law). (lol)

amy55

But I guess another way of saying this, she uses her medical condition to keep them teamed up with her. If I disagree with her and get her upset, then it causes a medical condition where she is hospitalized, and it is all my fault again.

I do plan to have a good time with grandchildren, but I am also fully aware, that I will then be her "go to" person. It's all a set up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I know it, I feel it. Be nice to her for any amount of time of course, I am going to get it wrong and send her to the hospital!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sometimes I like it better when she hates me. At least then, I can't do anything else wrong !!!!!!!!!!! (lol)

theuncertainty

No experience to offer, so sending hugs, Amy55. Hope you have a great time with your grandkids!