BeYourself1

Hi there~

Quick question for everyone: how many of you sleep in a different bedroom than your A?

When my ABF drinks (ok, so maybe I should just write, "every night"), his snoring is that of a 747 on takeoff. Initially, I would wake him up, tell him that he was snoring, and 5 mins later we would be in back in the same scenario. That progressed into me waking him up and telling him to sleep in the other room. As this would many times turn into an annoying argument, I began to leave the bedroom in middle of the night. Now, I just start off in the other bedroom. In the morning, he will apologize and complain about how he misses cuddling and knowing that I am there. Boo-hoo, cry me a river!

How many of you are in a similar situation with your roommate? Whoops, I mean your partner?

LovesVWs

I leave mine snoring on his drinking couch every night. My sleep is too important to me to bring him to bed with me.

BeYourself1

LovesVWs, Thank you for sharing your experience. I miss sharing a bed with him and waking up next to him. I didn't realize how much sleeping in the same bed mattered to me. If you don't mind me asking, how long have you two been doing this?

healthyagain

We sleep in separate rooms quite often. Mine snores + argues in his sleep. When he falls asleep drunk on the couch, I leave him there.

LovesVWs

About a year. I would rather sleep with him, but frankly I need a decent sleep to be with my kids and frankly, they come first.

dandylion

I am in a profession where I have frequently interacted with the families of alcoholics and I can tell you that the snoring and other sleep disturbances is an almost universal complaint.
The most common "solution" is to sleep separately. Most don't seem to like it at all---but sleep deprivation drives them to this inevitable end.

It appears to be just another of the fallouts of living with an active alcoholic. The cost of doing business.

dandylion

AnvilheadII

actually, snoring along is one of the big wedges that drives couples apart. my last ex (not an alcoholic) has sleep apnea (extremely overweight) and he would be asleep AND snoring within 8 seconds upon his head hitting the pillow. EIGHT seconds. at the time I was launching into perimenopause and my sleep wasn't very sound and there was NO WAY I could beat him to sleep!!! so i'd end up on the couch, or my daughter's bed if it was her week at her dad's.

over 13 years later and I STILL don't sleep well and am STILL very sensitive to snoring. hank does snore some at night....he seems to have a sensor and when I wake up at 12, 1 or 2, he will start snoring. then the bulldog chimes in. so I bail. now HE has begun to adopt the sleep patterns of a perimenopausal woman, so for everyone's sake most nights I sleep on the couch.

is it ideal? no. but it is what it is.

LovesVWs

I work in sleep disorders medicine. I can honestly say snoring screws up healthy marriages not just alcoholic Codie ones.

Therefore my stance is to take care of me and my sleep and my productivity with work and kids before I worry about the physical need of having my husband beside me.

Yes I miss him. But frankly I don't care if he sleeps in the basement forever

NotTheMama

We have been in separate rooms for almost 2 years. It started off because of his snoring, and the smell of the alcohol. He has reached the point where he is night blind and sleeps with as many lights on as possible. Some nights I get up and every light in the house, except mine, is on.
It breaks my heart, but I know that we will, most likely, never sleep together again.

Hammer

We probably have as much or more mental disorders rather than sleep disorders.

Since she has been back from rehab, Mrs. Hammer has slept on the living room floor for probably a month or so it, then she would hop in bed all frisky for a day or two, and then sleep in a ball on the far edge of the bed for a week or two – on and on. Emotional Dysregulation all over the place.

But through it all one thing has remained constant – She is “Gassy.” A LOT Gassy.

Since her anorexic check-in weight at rehab was near 90 lbs, and now she is back near 115 to 120 lbs . . .

(sorry, a break for my sponsor – THANK YOU, THANK YOU, God, for restoring Mrs. Hammer from the Eating Disorder. Happy. Very Very Happy.)

. . . 115 to 120 lbs, at least as near as can tell from a butt grab measure. That makes for Happy Hammer Hands. Cannot really say any real weight as we are forbidden from discussing weight, clothes, etc., etc. – part of the body dysmorphic aspects of the eating disorder.

But back to the farting. Mrs. Hammer has been having to eat 5 meals a day to put back on that much weight. And since we are a veggie household, that means A LOT of beans. I guess you follow what that leads to.

I suppose that is a Sleep Dis-Odor?

At any rate, the “weather” (Mrs. Hammer’s disposition) has been cloudy to mostly orney across these long months, and the kids have noticed that and mom’s tendency to fart a lot. And they joke about it all. I just grin and bear it.

=====================

When the kids and I were traveling last month on our road trip vacation, most of the rooms we would get were 2 double or queen beds.

The kids would bounce back and forth between the beds and usually wind up with some combination of two kids in a bed, and just one kid in the other bed after they went swimming, had supper and cleaned up. After getting me cleaned up, the car cleaned and re-packed for the next day, I would find the left-over open spot and get some sleep for the next day.

First time the boys wound up asleep in the same bed, with my daughter in the other one, I went to get ready to sleep.

Daughter looks at me and starts her smart ass tone . . ..

==================

Daughter: Dad. Sleeping with me is going to be just like sleeping with mom.

Hammer: Oh?

Daughter: I am going to roll over, face the wall, and then fart at you. Then I am going to pull out my phone and text all my friends about how much I hate you before I fall asleep.

Hammer: [laughing at how bizarre our reality is] Yep. Just like your mom.

Then she giggles and says goodnight.

The kid is a little jackass. Just like her dad. (me).

==========

Daughter just came by and looked over my shoulder at what I have been typing.

Daughter: (tapping me on the shoulder) Hey Dad.

Hammer: What?

Daughter: (in loud voice) This is going to be just like talking to mom . . . .

-----------------------

Made me cringe and she just started laughing. Me, too.

Ahhhh, good to get to laugh at all this crap.

new beginnings

Thank you for posting this. Each day on this site I realize just how stupid I am about all of this. I haven't slept with my AH in years. Even though I purchased our bed, and he travels all week every week. The three weekends a month he is there, I sleep on the couch, the floor anywhere. His snoring is so loud the kids hear it upstairs when he is down. He keeps commenting that none of his roommates thinks he snores in rehab. Well now I understand why. I had no idea it was because he was drinking. And of course he isn't able to drink in inpatient rehab! Thank you for that light bulb going off!!!

BeYourself1

OP here-

I'm glad to know that I'm not the only one sleeping in a different room. While it doesn't happen very often, the nights that he does not drink are so peaceful. But, upon waking, all I hear about is how he didn't sleep well. Gee, I wonder why????

You know, I wonder if I would be less angry/frustrated/annoyed/etc. if we had to sleep in different rooms because of actual medical issues (meaning, something he cannot "control"). He did admit to knowing that alcohol contributed (ahem, causes) his snoring. Yet, he continues to imbibe. So, how can I not be ticked off? Let it go, right?!?!?!?

SparkleKitty

As little as this helps, BeYourself, it isn't personal. He isn't drinking/snoring AT you, or to spite you. He drinks because he is an alcoholic and is not, right now, able to stop. You might feel "less angry/frustrated/annoyed etc." if you turned the focus on what you can to do make your life a bit happier, rather than waiting for him to do something you want him to do but he isn't ready to do. I say this with great empathy as I have been in your shoes.

As the say around here, let go...or be dragged. Hugs.

dandylion

BrYourself, He is not drinking to upset you or to deliberately hurt you. He is drinking because he is an alcoholic--and that is what an alcoholic does. It is a disease that is lying to him and keeping him in denial (the alcoholic voice in his head).

As you learn more about the nature of the disease--what actually goes on in the alcoholic mind--it enables you to not take it personally. He is not drinking because of you or at you--he is an alcoholic. He is in denial.

Will it make you like sleeping in separate beds? Likely not! But it will help you get to the point of realizing that this is part of accepting him as he is. It is your choice to stay and live with his behaviors. If you stay, you will have to accept him as he is.

tough stuff, I know. Alcoholism is tough o n everyone that it touches.

dandylion

unsureoffuture

I do the snoring is terrible. I need my sleep to function. Also when he binges every so often, he reeks of alcohol, it's repulsive. There is no intimacy between us and hasn't been for years so I choose the loft to sleep in.

lizatola

I sleep in a separate bedroom from AH. It started mostly because of his snoring and major teeth grinding. It really upsets him that I won't sleep in the same bed with him but his snoring was so loud (he's overweight and it started before he started drinking again, too, so it's not just related to the drinking) that I couldn't get a good night's sleep.

He just bought snorestop in an effort to try to get me to come back to the bedroom, but things are so bad between us right now that I'm not sure I want back in. Plus, the guest bedroom is darker and much quieter.

lillamy

Only the last 15 years or so of our marriage...

BeYourself1

I know not to take it personally, but sometimes during those "weak" moments, it really gets to me. I read in another thread to "ignore his behavior, not him". When one is imbibing, how does one ignore a behavior without ignoring the person?

dandylion

BeYourself, I think you are referring to detachment---so that you are not so emotionally entangled and "brought down" by his behavior. Alanon will help you with developing detachment skills---as well as reading the "stickies" at the top of this main page (use the search button on "detachment". Also, you can ask for pointers from others on this forum.

You won't be able to change his behaviors that relate to drinking, but you can gain some distance from them through detachment to work on yourself and your own feelings.
Detachment, alone, will not magically create the "warm" and mutually satisfying relationship of your dreams--but, you can gain some breathing space and some perspective. It is up to you to do your changing---he will not change until he eants to do it for himself---all the nagging, fretting, wishing in the world will not really have any effect.

dandylion

Florence

We slept separately for the last 2-3 years we were together. If he made it to bed three nights a week, it was a "good" week. It was lonely for me and I asked nicely and meanly and passively and directly for it to change, but he wanted to pass out on the couch in front of the TV with the lights on. And so it was.

I raged and cried about it at first. My bedtime would roll around and I would ask him to come to bed with me, and he would say no. And so it was.

I'd go to bed lonely and sad. I would wake up in the middle of the night, turn off the lights and the TV, and beg him to come to bed. When he did, he was crappy with me. Most of the time, he wanted me to leave him alone. And so it was.

Later, I would wake up and turn off the lights and TV so I didn't have to pay for the electricity and ruin the TV with the cable menu burned into the screen. And I left him there and grumbled about how inconsiderate and selfish he was. I thought when he'd quit drinking, these old patterns would cease. They didn't. So I went back to bed alone, and began to resent him coming in and waking me up in the middle of the night on the rare occasions he did get up and come into the bedrooms, coughing and snoring and throwing elbows.

Believe it or not, this was one of my dealbreakers. This, to me, was one of the most basic intimate things that a couple does, and drunk or sober, I still didn't get it. He couldn't stay sober, he couldn't stay employed, he couldn't stay honest, and he couldn't have sex, and he couldn't even make the effort to sleep next to me. I got so little from him, and this thing, the decision NOT to sleep next to me at night, with all the cuddles and intimacy and comfort it meant to me, became a symbol of everything I was missing by staying in the relationship.