dandylion

WoW Florence, what a post!!! I know this resonates with a lot of others.

I soo agree, that sleeping together feels like one of the most intimate things a couple does together.


dandylion

Hammer

used to.

wife1020

I have been sleeping separate for a long time. Not every night but many. I would only feel pure hatred course through my viens when he would be passed out snoring and I cant even wake him up to get him to move. HE should be the one to sleep on the couch. Ultimately I ended up buying a bigger bed for my 7 year old son and many nights we share that bed. My husband did just get a CPAP which is amazing. He is drinking less but has apnea. This really helps. I can actually share the bed with him now but ultimately I have asked him to move out so soon I will have MY room to all to MYSELF. Pretty excited here.

MsPINKAcres

When I was with my now exah ~ it was very similiar to all your shares ~
loud snores, passed out in the recliner, the first years of our marriage, begging him to come to bed, longing for the intimacy - not physical - the emotional part - hoping, praying it would somehow help the situation ~
help me fill that emptiness that alcoholism & addiction creates in your soul

years went on. . . the disease progressed and the sleep patterns got worse ~

Even in the short period of recovery in our marriage ~ he chose not sleep in our bed ~

As I grew in my own recovery ~ discovering myself, my wants, my self-esteem and my voice ~ I decided never again to beg someone to spend time with me ~

I am a lovable person ~ I may not be perfect in any way - but I am clean, well kept and able to carry on a pleasant conversation ~

If someone wants to be a part of my life they will put forth an effort - if not ~ then I won't ever beg or waste my time again ~

That includes asking someone to please come to bed with me again!

For me, It was very liberating to take back control of your life ~

pink hugs to all!

new beginnings

As I lay awake another night because I am forced to leave the bed because if his snoring, I want to ask how did y'all get your A's out of the bed to sleep elsewhere? My AH just crawls in bed and doesn't care that I have slept on the floor and couch for years because of his snoring. Sometimes I think he pretends just to get me to leave the bed. (I doubt he is but it seems that way) I have back issues and am sleep deprived. Any advice on how to reclaim my bed?

NWGRITS

My husband (not an A) often sleeps in the baby's room (our guest bedroom until she gets off the boob and out of our bed) because he knows he snores. I have a chronic illness which is severely affected by my sleep. I lose enough with the baby, so he tries to make sure I'm not further disturbed by his snoring. I hate it, and sometimes will ask him to come to bed regardless of the snoring. Sometimes it works out, but he usually ends up in the other room during the night.

Now, my MOTHER, the A in my life. Holy cow, can that woman snore. Like shaking the walls bad. I had to start sleeping with a fan on to try to block her out (and now I can't sleep without it). I never knew a person could snore so loud. She was down the hall with both of our doors closed, and I could still hear her. It's no surprise she's always slept alone.

lizw

Cool topic. Me and a recovery friend discussed this same thing the other day. She tells me sleep deprivation is a form of torture used in times if war. Oddly enough tho it was used by my parents on myself and siblings growing up.

I recently drove myself crazy as I was unable to admit this is a serious problem of mine due to a chronic illness I suffer from and for the first time in 6 years have finally started taking some medication that a smart doctor prescribed to me.

Another al anon friend of mine sleeps separately from her partner who isn't a A from time to time, even has her own room in their house, she's got this cool 4 post antique bed she brought for herself, as she also told me no matter how nice her partner is or isn't, nothing beats a good night sleep and at times she can't get this sleeping next to her partner.

I certainly understand that it can rob a couple of intimacy but my recent experience is that sleep deprivation actually robs me of from my whole life, rather than just one aspect of it.

Sleep is such a basic physical human need.

Wavy

I don't think its possible to make an A sleep elsewhere. It sounds like for the people who managed to keep their beds their As merely passed out somewhere else rather than willingly relinquished the main bed. I can't make my A move out the bed once he's in it and yes it annoys me too - why should I have to give up the nice comfy bed to sleep somewhere uncomfy when he's so drunk that he wouldn't care if he was asleep on broken glass. But we can't make them do anything, so have to make the best of the situation we can for us with whatever boundaries we need.

I slept in a separate bedroom for a few months and the challenge was to stop him coming to go to sleep in my room instead of his. It didn't matter where I went he would follow, there was no chance of not being affected by his drinking. Now I have a chance, I'm leaving!

PippiLngstockng

My young children eventually replaced AH, sleeping beside me and by being the ones to share meals, jokes, pasttimes. As time went on he would spend his nights in the basement and downstairs library, before going to sleep on the guest bed. Good riddance.

Earlier, I racked my brain wondering what I had done to keep him so distant. I figured it was all the babies I'd had, my rounder curves, my maternal self.

Then the babies grew and took to their own rooms. My body firmed up, not unintentionally. I reclaimed my athletic past and my size 4 jeans. 30 year olds were asking me out and still when I was with AH - I wasn't there.

Ok, so the theory didn't hold. It wasn't some flaw of my own.

It was him.

I cut loose. I'm not alone in my bed any more. I have - me.

new beginnings

Wavy, Good for you!!! I wish you all of the success and happiness. I am working towards a way to leave. I swear some days I feel I have entered this alternate universe. I had no idea my AH was an A. And now I am finding that so many people deal with similar if not exactly the same issues everyday just as I have. I feel blessed to have found this sight.
Again, thank you for sharing! I will look forward to hearing updates about your new fabulously happy life without the A in it!

Lyssy

Sleeping alone for many, many years 15+. Like so many that posted before I valued my sleep way too much. I was/am the primary income in the house along with medical insurace coverage through my work. MY livelihood was in jeopardy. He had a choice years ago. He made it and now it is just the way it is.

Oh, and to say he snored, um, yea, NOT! It was like laying next to a train ALL night. Serious earth rattling tremors.

My health and mental well being was way more valuable.

As for getting him out of the bed, well, if I wasnt sleeping, neither was he. He finally got tired of geing kept up all night and retreated to the couch.

MTSlideAddict

I’ve slept separate from my AH for many many years. He sleeps on the couch and I sleep in the room. This has been an issue between us. I used to cry myself to sleep holding my stuffed bear every night. I was very lonely, and most nights I still am. There was always some excuse as to why he couldn’t sleep upstairs. First it was that the pillows were uncomfortable, so I bought new ones. Then it was that the bed was too small and the mattress hurts his back. I upgraded to a King size frame, and we picked out a new mattress together. Nothing changed. He slept up there maybe two days a month, and usually as an attempt to mend conflict due to his behavior while drinking. I eventually stopped trying to get him to go upstairs to bed. I set up the bedroom as my own with the décor I like and lots of candles. I made it my sanctuary. It still is. I hang out in the room sometimes to get away. I read in there. I meditate. I do whatever I want. I still get lonely a lot, but when he sleeps with me up there it’s kind of a weird bitter sweet now. I feel like he invades my space in a way when he sleeps in bed, but at the same time I like the intimate feel of him laying next to me that our marriage has lacked for most of our marriage. I don’t know. It’s kind of sad really.

lizatola

I just spent the weekend with friends of mine. No addiction in their lives but the husband( a dentist) snores like crazy. He said he's been sleeping in a downstairs bedroom for 5 years now. I've heard others talk about this and a friend of mine snores, and she chooses to sleep in the guest bedroom. This is not really just an issue regarding alcoholism, I have lots of friends who do this mainly for sleep issues, not because of relationship issues.

MTSlideAddict

I think what hurts so much in a Alcoholic relationship, at least with mine, regarding this issue is the already lack of intimacy. If I felt connected to him in other ways I wouldn't feel so lonely without him next to me in bed. I also think that if a decision was formed in the relationship together regarding sleeping separately then it would be easier to process. As for me, though, it kind of makes me feel abandoned, but the latter I wouldn’t want either. I’d rather be lonely in bed, then share it with a smelly, snoring, drunk. I do have some friends that are completely fulfilled in their relationship and they sleep separate. I’m not one of those though.

ichabod

My husband is in his 4th year of sobriety, but he snores just as much as he ever did.

When he was drinking it drove me nuts and we slept separately 9 nights out of 10. I am not remotely as irritated by it now that he is sober and it feels wrong if we sleep apart.

I think it is because now I want intimacy whereas before I just wanted him away from me.

wolfpackfan45

My husband isn't an alcoholic, but we sleep in separate bedrooms . He has congestive heart failure and is on loads of medication. One of the side effects of the meds is constant coughing and the need to urinate. He coughs off and on most of the night ,which was waking me up, plus he gets up to go to the bathroom several times. In addition to all this ,he snores too. I'm a teacher and have to be at work at 7:30 AM ,so after several weeks of trying to function on very little sleep I moved to the other bedroom. I had to get some sleep. I just couldn't function.

djayr

Sleeping together and snuggling with XAW was really the highlight of our marriage. We both loved it. But I loved her and looked at her more like an afflicted, child like person who just wanted love. So I would give it to her and receive a warm feeling in return. That is a gift from God and we have always shared that.

About 7-8 times she wet the bed, which really upset me. I would gently try to get her to link that with her drinking.

Then about 15 years into it she cheated on me. And that changed EVERYTHING. Separate bedroom. Then separate apartment. Then divorce.

Alcohol took the best thing we had, and that was snuggling.

It tortures me, that this woman does not love herself. So I tried to show her love and we had a deep connection and the sort of intimacy (sleeping-snuggling) that is often missing for many in this forum.

Yet none of that helped her - was it a form of enabling, endorsing her drunkenness by still caring for her in this way. We are divorced now and she is drinking herself to death as I type this, if I see her and give her a hug or we lay on the couch, am I "hurting" her descent to the famous bottom?

The tension between loving someone (and wanting them to know they are loved), while simultaneously forcing consequences on someone so they "hit bottom", it tears me up. I cannot be "mean" to this woman, she is a rather pathetic mentally disabled child at this stage.

Plus, my behavior in either direction, giving or withholding affection, has NEVER gotten her to the hospital where she has detoxed 8-10 times over the years. It takes a medical emergency. Period. She goes down to an inch of her life every time. That is where she is headed right this minute. Her body is failing.

So when I saw her yesterday, I burst into tears. She looks terrible. But I will snuggle if I want, because if she's going to slip from this life of pain (her inner pain which I will never understand), I am moved out of compassion to see that she does not depart it without some feeling that she is loved. It's all very dramatic and painful.

Add to that, that each time I see her could be the last...and here come the tears. This woman who has shaped my life in so many crappy ways, yet somehow I am not ready to say goodbye. I'm not ready for the sad ending I guess.

Lord help me, I can only do what God moves me to do in my spirit.